Motor35 Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 hello is it normal for a man to talk often of his ex wife? they were together for 13 years and have a child together. they divorced almost a year ago. he mentions her very often and i am now starting to wonder if the mentions might be a red flag...maybe he is still attached? i haven't dated for years and have no idea who to ask for advice. thank you so much for reading this
FitChick Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Never date anyone divorced less than two years. It generally takes that long before they are totally ready not only to date but to get involved again. This is what I've been told by many divorced men.
norajane Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 He's still "newly" divorced. He'll be talking about his ex for a while longer since they were together 13 years and have a child. It's perfectly normal in most cases, since his entire life was wound up in that family, one way or another, for years and years. Unwinding your head takes a bit. It's up to you to decide whether you want to ride it out or not.
carhill Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 How does he mention her? When I was dating while separated, I only talked about my then stbxW when asked direct questions by my dating partners. Otherwise, nada. Since divorcing, I will mention her when relevant to a topic and in a neutral way. Example: Some asks me about going to a particular country. My response: 'During a trip my exW and I took there, we did xxx and xxx and had a great time, bla, bla'. IMO, this is a normal healthy response. An unhealthy one might be 'If my exW hadn't been such a b!tch we could have gone xxx and done xxx. Why I ever married that <deleted> is beyond me' See how that works? While I would join the respondent in supporting a healthy time for recovery and reflection, in reality, around here, very few people stay single for longer than ten seconds. I think my best friends wife put our situation in perfect perspective, to wit 'You know carhill, you would be smart to let go of any thoughts about getting back together with stbx (we were separated) since she's got a new pair of boots parked (literally, as in they were there) at her door' That's how it goes around here in reality. Two years later, those boots and the white pickup are still parked there. IME, whether that has been as a dating partner, tampon, or husband, women around these parts talk about their exes all the time. I've just learned to ignore it. If I didn't, I'd have been single and alone all my life Good luck.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 That means he is emotionally not moved on from that. It doesn't have to be a marriage, could be a long-term relationship as well. He needs to realize and accept that he is not over her so that he can move on. Because anyone he is with (unfortunately you) is going to be secondary emotionally, whatever he feels for you gets watered down and mixed up through the memory and emotion of his ex. In fact he may even act out with you with the thought of his ex wife in his mind, that's very typical there. Therefore I hope you take a step back and realize the state of emotional availability this man is in, a very limited state. He needs someone consoling of his emotions and to be "supportive" but he's really only using you to deal or even overshadow those emotions he is trying to avoid. You're not having a relationship with a man, you're having a relationship with him and his ex wife...his past. Imagine all the things day to day he sees that reminds him of her and his children...that life, If he's talking to you about a little bit of it or often, imagine all the times he doesn't say anything to you what he's thinking. I wouldn't fall too emotionally for this man, even though you may think he's a good man/father and all that crap. I see women all the time fall in love with hopes and dreams because of the "potential" of the man not what is occurring day to day. He may treat you well, he may even be otherwise a good boyfriend...doesn't mean a thing to me though If he heart is somewhere else, yet I'm sure he will tell you his feelings for you are true, but I wouldn't expect a guy in his position to have a real understanding of where he is emotionally either because he's "in it". Be careful, because I don't think you'd leave him for this even though I think that's what he needs, but put all your eggs in one basket and you may find yourself one day with a lot of broken eggs! Talk to him about this, let him divulge information about his emotions and feelings for his ex wife, ask him about that relationship and try to look objectively at what point in the process this man is emotionally in getting over and past this woman because until then, you're just the third wheel in his heart ultimately.
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