jtcjulia Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 My fiance got a bj from a hooker. I'm so overwhelmed. We have a four month old son, our sex life was good, we were looking for a place to live and last december on our 3 year anniversary he asked me to marry him. why would he do this? He's been begging my forgiveness since it happened two nights ago. he claims it was a huge mistake and that he loves me and our family and can't stand the thought of ruining our life together. if he really loves me would he have done this? his uncle brought the girl home from the strip club for his birthday and my fiance was paying for half of it as his present, he claims she came onto him and there was no extra charge as though that makes it less bad. I'm so lost! I was so happy our life, we've had our ups and downs in the past but everything seemed to have come together. I thought we were on track to a happy life together. Should i have done something different? a few days before this happened he had told me he sensed i wasn't fully satisfied with our sex life and i know i may not have been showing just how much i appreciated him, he discussed an open relationship or trying a threesome, i told him i wasn't comfortable with either and the only thing that could make me stop loving him was his cheating on me. so why would he go and do this knowing he would lose me than beg my forgiveness. friday night i even tried spicing up our bedroom play with some new stuff. I could tell right away saturday night something was wrong because he kept calling really late saying he couldn't sleep then sunday i heard from his cousin her dad brought the prostitute home so i asked if something happened and he admitted it. I don't want to walk away from our family together but I don't see how i can ever be intimate with him again knowing he did this. I need space but it's impossible with him calling constantly and wanting to see his son. I need advice in the worst sort of way - heartbroken and distraught
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Well first, understand that I am in no way defending him nor do I ever normally defend a man in over 90 percent of arguments but what I'm saying is not to be in his defense but to be truthful. Sometimes men make very bad and stupid decisions when the stars align just right. In fact, a lot of men cheat, without the stars aligning but because they go out looking for it or don't really try to stop it...and the majority of women don't ever find out about it and yet everything goes on normally in the relationship like nothing ever happened. The fact that when you confronted him and he admitted it and didn't deny it when confronted was a very good thing because most guys would have sworn up and down that aw man they would never do that, that this girls a whore, why would I stick my thing in her mouth, ew that's so disgusting! yet they banged the crap out of her all night for example. The stars aligning meaning...he was probably drunk, probably getting egg'd on by his uncle or whoever, and went ahead and did it in the moment because he put himself in a really bad situation, he should have gotten out of there when his uncle decided to bring her home. Receiving oral is pretty bad but intercourse is even worse, even though they are both cheating, even kissing is cheating..but I'm trying to look at the positives here, at least It wasn't intercourse. I think the thing that also makes me want to put a little more effort into your post than just slam it to hell like the other is because you have a 4 month old son. This is a whole other deck of cards, I understand your emotions and your hopes and dreams, but this is an actual human being..it doesn't get any bigger than that. What you need to do is calm down and try and get yourself together. Give yourself some time to ball tears and release those emotions because you're going to need to talk to him about this. Tell him you need a few days or a week or so, he's the one that cheated, this isn't your fault. And then set a date you'll get together to talk. Once you feel in a not-so-shaken state, you need to sit down together and tell him that you need to know everything that happened with this girl, and you need to know the truth...no lies, just the truth. Don't cut him off, don't go nuts and cry, or get mad it him, because you want to contain yourself and just listen quietly and let him tell the story, If you react and get pissed then he'll shut down and definitely won't tell you crap. Then try not to react. Find out if in fact that is all he has done with her, then tell him to send his happy ass down to the clinic and to get an STD test. This is for safety but also for the humiliation for him to think about what he's done while having his blood drawn for such a stupid decision that he made. Tell him you need some space, and time to think about this. And then you really need to think about whether or not you can take this man back for what he has done, you don't HAVE to get together with him, just because you have a son together If you're going to have a miserable life together. He still needs to be a responsible dad and you need to make the right decision for yourself. I'm not sure If you're going to take him back but after you think about it and your life you may well decide it's best to try again, and If so you're going to need to come up with a list of terms. First... - Write a letter and tell him all the ways that what he did made you feel, and how much he has hurt you, and what you're going through and what that night felt. How much he has jeopardized, how he just asked you to get married, etc.. That will help you get it off your chest and take the pain from your chest to the paper, and he'll have to read every word instead of stare off into space, plus he'll remember this letter longer than he will your words. - Then have him write you a letter that says that he will never cheat on you again, have him sign it then you keep that sucker. - Then tell him you're going to need to see a family therapist or what not to work out those relationship issues. Or at least a pastor, I'm not religious but those guys will at least help you work out your issues and get out those emotions to somebody who will be a mediator, that's If you cannot afford a professional psychologist to work out some of your problems in a more clinical method. This is a huge problem here a few days before this happened he had told me he sensed i wasn't fully satisfied with our sex life and i know i may not have been showing just how much i appreciated him, he discussed an open relationship or trying a threesome, i told him i wasn't comfortable with either and the only thing that could make me stop loving him was his cheating on me. - Also no parties with this uncle of his again outside of family oriented functions, in fact no more trips to the strip clubs for a long long time If ever. Let him know the wedding is on hold for now, the priority is the baby and also working out this relationship and seeing If it has the potential to move forward again. Tell him he has a lot of repairing to do to build your trust and It's going to be a slow process, but If he's willing to put in the time and effort then so are you. Really take a good look at your "downs" a lot of women sweep under a lot of heavy crap under that category as If all healthy relationships suffer from those things...you both have a lot of reflecting to do and he's got a lot of work to do to rebuild your the hurt and broken trust. One thing I can tell you for sure Is you'll never trust him in the same way again, he lost that and It's a terrible thing to lose. Hopefully you can move forward and continue on with building a life, or maybe you'll find out It's best for the both of your future happiness to be apart and raise the child as separate parents (which is not a horrible choice, I wished my parents made that choice instead of dragging me through their miserable marriage for 14 years!) Hope this helps with some guidance, that's all it was meant for. Don't be afraid to include support for yourself right now, be just be careful who you tell because they likely won't forgive him and might cause more drama or damage than good at this point in the process...really think about that because you can't take it back later on.
gaius Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 jtcjulia said: i told him i wasn't comfortable with either and the only thing that could make me stop loving him was his cheating on me. so why would he go and do this knowing he would lose me than beg my forgiveness. I think you just answered your own question. You gave him the one term that you would find unacceptable and he not only ran off and did exactly that but then told you he did. If that's not saying he doesn't want to be with you on your terms I don't know what is. Let him see his son if he wants but call off the wedding and let him find the woman that wants threesomes and an open relationship. Unless you're willing to compromise on your one demand in order to keep him. 4
norajane Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 gaius said: I think you just answered your own question. You gave him the one term that you would find unacceptable and he not only ran off and did exactly that but then told you he did. If that's not saying he doesn't want to be with you on your terms I don't know what is. This is a very good point. He went and did the one thing he knew for sure would ruin your relationship. Keep him in your life for your son's sake, but don't marry him. He is nowhere near ready or able to make a commitment like that, and clearly does not want to based on his actual actions (not words). 3
Maria7 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 wow i really feel for youu. A Prostitute! I would have him out the door, once a cheat always a cheat.. but obv u love him, you need to tell him to that you need space.. take your time and think what u want and if u can forgive him.. from there make the right decision.
pteromom Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 - He got a bj from a prostitute - He's trying to get you to agree to open relationships or threesomes So I'd say that it is obvious he wants to sleep with other people. He's proven that he will. So... if you stay with him, you need to do so with the understanding that he is unlikely to be faithful. 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I cannot relate. Before u read my post, I want to make it clear that my post is PURELY to share with u, some of the differing views that different women have, regarding their boyfriends and hookers. In your case, and with MOST women, it is very hurtful. However, I am not like most women, apparently. I feel no emotions when my boyfriend has slept with hookers, on two occasions... There is no emotions involved, and he can divide between emotions and sex. I am the one who arranged it, and suggested he do it. He wanted me to come and watch though, so I did. He did not want to do it without me being there. I am not telling u what he did is okay; I just thought u would be interested to know, that some people do not care at all if their deaply loved partner does occasionally have hookers. I do not think it is healthy for men to be with a women from a young age, and never have sex with another women for the rest of his life. THIS IS JUST MY OPINION. To me, it is RIGHT; where as to many men, they say THEY are just FINE with never having sex with another women for the rest of their lives. Where as some guys can love their partner deaply, and still have the desire to enjoy sex with severl women, purely for the varity; a new women. SOme men genuinely love their wives, and can divide between sex and emotions. Some men would rather have more than one sexual partner, for the rest of their lives, if they meet their partner at a young age. It does not mean they love their partner any less. I am only trying to show the differing views differnt women have. Most women get very hurt, at the thought of their husban with a psostitute EVEN THOUGH there is NO emotions involved. With me - I find emotional connections hurtful, with OUT actions; on the other hand, I do not find the sex without emotions hurtful in the sightest. This is just the way I see it. I love my partner deaply. I just encourage him to go to hookers occasionally. And yes I love myself and have self respect - I have slept with 2 men in 6 years, and love myself just fine. I just do not want my 24 yr old partner to never have sex again with a women. For physical, natural reasons. Personally, I cannot engage in sexual acts with men, unless I like them a lot. I cannot have sex without feelings towards the men. Where as, my boyfriend CAN, and has. You need to make sure it was a once off thing, in your case: - ask him if he had strong urges to have sexual encounters with other women - ask him if it was only a sexual thing - make sure it was just sexual, and not him needing another emotional connection If it was genuinly because he just had the overwhelming desire to experience another women, he was weak, and in a moment of weakness, he gave in. It is up to u if u want to forgive him for being weak. He knows that he needs to be faithful in order to keep you. I would suggest he as space, to see if he truly wants to experiencde other women, rather than settle down and only be with u sexually for the rest of his life. Being with one women for the rest of your life is a huge deal. You need to ensure he is ready for it.
Author jtcjulia Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 his sister called me the other day and said she felt i needed the truth. my fiance and his mom had been talking about what happened and he DID sleep with her, unprotected, on the bed we share with our son, on the sheets i bought. when i asked him what really happened he denied it then when i told him his sister had already told me he said they were just trying to save me the hurt. it hurts no matter what but now he's a liar too. when he told me he just got oral and ejaculated in her mouth it was to make me feel bad that i don't let him do that to me so he could take the stress off him, he was blaming me! and he's still calling all the time and any days he's said he wanted our son for the night he's changed last minute and now it comes out that he thinks i've cheated so i don't have a right to be angry. I DIDN'T! there were incidents a long time ago where i could have cheated and i explained to him that i didn't but i understand how he would have to have a lot of faith in me to believe me, he said he did. now apparently he feels he knows i cheated (and a psychic cab driver told him i've had affairs) this is too much to deal with on top of already feeling so crappy myself does him saying thing like he thinks i've cheated and all the other sketchy things mean he doesn't actually feel bad at all?
norajane Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 It means he's an assh*le and he's trying to shift blame, as though he would look less bad if you looked just as bad. He's an assh*le. 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 regardless of my own relationships style I posted about, it isw so very wrong of him to lie to you in such a hurtful way!!!!!!!!! He knows your not ok with him being with prostitutes, ever, and he KNEW it would hurt u so much if he slept with one; even worse, he LIED about it, which he knew would hurt u even MORE. Doing it is one thing, lying about it is ANOTHER way in which he NEW he woulc badly hurt u. Not cool. GIve it time. If this guy is still heart broken and on love after months apart, and he has thougth about u every day and cannot move on, THEN consider what it would take for u to reconcile. U do need to let this guy go, but still, SOME men do trily love their wives so much, that they just do not get over them, and will happily wait for their wives for years. He might love u so much that he will not be with other women because he loves you, for months. Or, when you let him go, he may get over it eventually, and then u can do much better. Some people can save their marriage, others not so much....
kaylan Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Um....Id take Leigh87s advice with a grain of salt, because her relationship style is definitely in the minority. This guy doesnt respect you and deserves to be bounced immediately. Also, plenty of men see sex as an emotional thing and plenty of men would be hurt if their girl had an emotional affair. Edited March 20, 2012 by kaylan
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 jtcjulia said: his sister called me the other day and said she felt i needed the truth. my fiance and his mom had been talking about what happened and he DID sleep with her, unprotected, on the bed we share with our son, on the sheets i bought. when i asked him what really happened he denied it then when i told him his sister had already told me he said they were just trying to save me the hurt. it hurts no matter what but now he's a liar too. when he told me he just got oral and ejaculated in her mouth it was to make me feel bad that i don't let him do that to me so he could take the stress off him, he was blaming me! and he's still calling all the time and any days he's said he wanted our son for the night he's changed last minute and now it comes out that he thinks i've cheated so i don't have a right to be angry. I DIDN'T! there were incidents a long time ago where i could have cheated and i explained to him that i didn't but i understand how he would have to have a lot of faith in me to believe me, he said he did. now apparently he feels he knows i cheated (and a psychic cab driver told him i've had affairs) this is too much to deal with on top of already feeling so crappy myself does him saying thing like he thinks i've cheated and all the other sketchy things mean he doesn't actually feel bad at all? OK, so now, we (and you) are expected to believe that (the uncle?) brought a stripper home, and that your fiance was paying for half of the cost, and that the stripper came-onto your fiance and that they had unprotected intercourse??? Strippers get invitations like that every night they work, and do you really think they run around having unprotected intercourse with all of them? (if not, why do you believe that a stripper had unprotected intercourse with your fiance?) Why don't you rewind the tape and tell us how his sister feels about you, and about the engagement.
CC12 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 SincereOnlineGuy said: Strippers get invitations like that every night they work, and do you really think they run around having unprotected intercourse with all of them? (if not, why do you believe that a stripper had unprotected intercourse with your fiance?) I don't really understand your logic here. Of course not all strippers/prostitutes have unprotected sex with all the men who proposition them, but it's not entirely implausible that this one stripper had unprotected sex with this one dude. It's entirely irresponsible, but it happens, for sure. Although I do find it strange that the sister or whoever knew that one intimate detail that he didn't wear protection. How does she know that? One doesn't usually announce to his mother or sister that he barebacked a hooker. OP, do you find that a little fishy?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 CC12 said: How does she know that? Ya couldn't be satisfied with "Why does she believe" it???
mostlyclueless Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 I don't know, I have plenty of my own problems, but I think women should go through relationships assuming that the dudes we are dating either 1. have ****ed a prostitute or 2. would if they were sure they wouldn't get caught. This one just got caught. Does he love you? Does he make you feel valued, appreciated, cared about, and safe? Do you communicate well and share your goals and values?
chrissylee Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 mostlyclueless said: I don't know, I have plenty of my own problems, but I think women should go through relationships assuming that the dudes we are dating either 1. have ****ed a prostitute or 2. would if they were sure they wouldn't get caught. This one just got caught. Does he love you? Does he make you feel valued, appreciated, cared about, and safe? Do you communicate well and share your goals and values? I don't know the OP or her bf but I can answer the first question at least. No he doesn't love her. He cheated with a hooker. She should run as far away as she can from this loser before he gives her a STD that he got from a hooker he slept with.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 mostlyclueless said: I think women should go through relationships assuming that the dudes we are dating either 1. have ****ed a prostitute or 2. would if they were sure they wouldn't get caught. This one just got caught. That's a nice theory, but it doesn't fit with our societal tradition that we only ostracize pregnant teenagers and not just all teenagers who are having sex (with other people).
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