sid3 Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 the pain is intense, it's going to be a rough day. Would like to start it off on a brighter note, but the truth of the matter is what it is.Get through today. That's all you should do. I am going to do the same.
Apollo432 Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 I just wanted to thank you all for helping me to keep strong. I had N/C going for the last two weeks and I actually saw my ex yesterday at work. I have read this entire thread and it seems we are all going through the same thing. When I saw her yesterday I was not expectiong it and it threw me off big time. I kept it simple and asked how she was and left it at that. She failed to ask me any personal questions (I spent the whole night wondering why?)not to mention I heard that she was "talking" to someone else. I definatley think that they will all realize what they lost and try to get us back one day. We all need to stay strong and be true to ourselves and to the ones we love. IT WILL MAKE US STRONGER IN THE LONG RUN:) Still hurtin after 4 weeks I hope these feelings go away soon.
dreamguy Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Kate, "should i have not given him the ultimatum-type thing? i don't think it was an ultimatum, but i did say not to contact me until he knows what he wants and that i'm moving on". First of all, if he really loves you, then the word ultimatum shouldn't even exist in his dictionnary. Real Love is forgiving and tolerant." You didn't say "don't you ever call me again !" you just said "don't contact me until you know what you want". Ok, let's pause for a second and I'll ask you this: If he never contacts you again what will the reason be according to you ? Right, that he never knew what he wanted and he was never able to make up his mind. Now ask yourself this: "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with a wavering and hesitant person ?" I don't remember who but someone on this forum said "A good relationship should make you feel you can take on the whole world, it shouldn't make you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders !" Damn girl ! This is the 21st century and only strong-minded people survive ! Unless you have millions of dollars (and there are plenty of gold diggers out there) then it takes TWO to make a relationship survive. Do you think that by calling him, making him feel guilt, making him feel sorry for you and begging him ... etc... and thus maybe making him come back (out of pity) you will ever know whether he's strong-minded or not ? NO ! This is why everybody repeats the same thing over and over again: "You cannot force them to love you, you might force them to come back (although it rarely works if you beg and plead) but if they are not ready then they'll dump you again !" You know Kate, without self-conviction it just wouldn't work. And right now, your ex doesn't have it yet. Same goes for me... my ex has not reached a point of self-conviction that she wants me and only me. Here's another question for you. Would you take your ex back if they were still unsure. Are you willing to get close to them only to have them dump you again soon enough and force you to go through the same pain ? I'd say that's a very high price to pay ! Why ? Because the only dumb mistakes are the ones we repeat. And if you force them to get back then you'll only be losing precious time. You'll be wasting seconds, minutes and hours... letting it all slip away when you could have used that time to meet someone else (more worthy of your love) and improve yourself to become a stronger and better (more experienced) human being. Sid, The simplest yet smartest thing is to keep on doing something when it works for you. Your decision to always postpone another day is working... stick to it and be strong !
dreamguy Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 bmang11, We all need to stay strong and be true to ourselves and to the ones we love. IT WILL MAKE US STRONGER IN THE LONG RUN How about this. What Doesn't Kill You Can Only Make You Stronger. (I think it was Machiavelli who said that, correct me if I'm wrong).
Apollo432 Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 That makes a lot of sense. We are all better than that. Why would we want to take someone back or allow ourselves to give in to the other person when they really don't know what they want. I know I feel this way. I know that she is copnfused and not ready to make the type of commitment I was asking for even though we talked about getting married and starting a family. I think she needs to go out and do things on her own to determine if she could give 100% to this relationship. I can't say that I will be there when she does decide but I do know that I respect her for taking the time and hope that she finds what she is looking for even if it is not me. I ask myself that everyday. Why would I want her back if shes not ready? I would have this doubt in the back of my head and it would linger there forever. I also told her to call me when she knew what she wanted. It was not an easy thing to do but, it was the only way I would ever know for sure.
Kate Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 all i want to do is send a text, cause i'm now worrying that I sacred HIM away in my email. i'm worried that i came off too strong, -- i repeated so many times that i think he's not the one ... that we are not right for eachother....that i was miserable...blahblahblah....i'm wondering if that was just wrong and sent him in the other direction? i reread it tonight and i can't believe all of the things i said, however most of them i felt deep down. but it was harsh. he would never have waited this long to contact me before. what if he is moving on?? i'm scared...
sid3 Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 No texting! No Emails! No calls! Patience,Perseverance,Positivity! We are not weak, we are strong, and will get stronger by the day. We cannot be controlled by someone else's hurtful actions, we can only continue to love;ourselves first. If and when the time comes, the love will either grow or fade and our ex's will have lost the best things that could have happened to them and will surely wonder at some point, what if. N/C, don't do it! And don't worry, I've been doing that for months, it doesn't change anything, just makes you mad(as in crazy)As far as your email goes, I was told some hurtful/harsh things, I was able to forgive, he can too.
dnice05 Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Hi I have been with my girlfriend (my ex now) for six years, to make the long story short she needed space. I have been calling each other for a week like every other day but now that I read this fourm I will stop calling her. Every time I would call her I would feel bettor for that moment. After the phone call I would feel like crap. I was feeling all of them things everybody is talking about mood swings like crazy. Especially when she told me that she kissed some other guy. Im going to stop calling her and ignoring her phone call but do you think this will bring her closer to the other guy??? Should I explain to her why im not accepting her phone calls??? If I don’t accept her phone calls how will I know if she wants me back???? Thank you for all the help this is the best fourm I have seen you guys are the best made me feel so much bettor and kept my mind of her. Thank you
meanttolive4ever Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 what does it mean when they say "its not you its me" and "i dont know how to feel"
dreamguy Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 It's pure BS ! "its not you its me" It means don't blame yourself and feel bad and try to reclaim your pride because I'm going to walk all over you. I'll take all the blame so that you leave me alone without any fuss. "i dont know how to feel" Have you ever heard of someone being taught about a feeling and how to experience it ? It's like breathing. You can't learn it. You just do it. "i dont know HOW I feel" ... I might buy that but "i dont know HOW TO feel" never! Feelings have been around ever since man was created ! They are part of his creation and existence.
Kate Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 i think dreamguy is right here. i think you need to put this guy in his place by ignoring him. he sounds immature. i think also that you will be VERY suprised at your results! i think you will get exactly what you want. at least my ex is extremely mature and honest and genuine. sounds like yours is playing games and you should capitalize on that girl!
meanttolive4ever Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Originally posted by Kate i think dreamguy is right here. i think you need to put this guy in his place by ignoring him. he sounds immature. i think also that you will be VERY suprised at your results! i think you will get exactly what you want. at least my ex is extremely mature and honest and genuine. sounds like yours is playing games and you should capitalize on that girl! Ive igorned him for like almost a month and a half and he hasnt called me since then. Well i called him you know whatever lol. But i havent seen him since then either..i think hes in hiding because hes afraid to see me with someone else...even tho he said he " i could see you with someone else" right after i said i couldnt see him with anyone else. like i said i think hes just scared that if he sees me out with another guy that he'll start regretting it. So imma try to go all out lol.
tomw Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Hi Gang, I've been ckecking this site out for about a week and I'm having a tough nite. Getting kinda wasted so please forgive me. short story is I broke up with my 5 yr girlfriend cause of some major diss and respect issues with her and her daughter. Felt like I had to keep my balls intact. 1.5 months ago. Happy Birthday! I have been pretty much OK with this - had many crying days and feeling like S... but over all i have excepted that we are through and that my 50% rule had been broken. I have pretty much tried to keep with the N/C rule except for an occastional email about finding more of her stuff and getting it back to her. But since last weekend I had inadvertant contact with her 3 times. Concert, bar, and public. Each time she has been really bitter and mad. at the concert i had a date with me and the x and I saw each other. I went to say hi and she was really pissed and hurt. I ran into her at a local pub last nite on my home from practice and she would'nt speak to me, she left the bar. i'm feeling a strong urge to logic my way into reconcile but i know it is not right. After reading some of the stuff on this site I start feeling like maybe in a yr or so we might make it afterall. But i am really upset that she is so hurt - it just makes me want to hug her up and hold her. I feel like I have tried to move on. Dates and even an uck buddy. But I'm feeling like there will never be any gal as good as she was - in so many ways - that why it hurts so much. Such dispair ahead! ! I need to know how to stop loving someone, or at least thinking about her all the time __ \/\/
Sunny3715 Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 I too can say Kate is right. You have some really good advice! My recent ex and I were friends three years before we got together. We then spent the next 4 years in a happy relationship. What is really hard after a break/break up or whatever is that you not only lose a boyfriend/girlfriend but many times a bestfriend too. When you are used to seeing someone day in and day out it is very hard to not have contact. But sometimes the lack of contact makes both of you realize what you want with that other person. Unfortunately sometimes that is what it takes. I did things backwards. I stayed friends after we decided to take a break. I am not saying this was a HUGE mistake but it has made my feelings linger on. And besides that I think if we had spent some time apart we would both have been able to step back and look at what we meant to one another. Instead he just sorta knew I would always be around. AND that is NOT the message I wanted to send. So try to spend time on yourself, doing things YOU love and spend time with people who make you feel good.
dreamguy Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Tomw, I need to know how to stop loving someone, or at least thinking about her all the time Unfortunately no one can tell you how to stop loving someone. Sometimes you can't even explain it to yourself !! The heart has its reasons that the reason does not know of. (Descartes, french philosopher). Only time can make you reach that state but nothing is garantueed when it comes to Love. As for how to stop thinking about her all the time. Fill your free time as much as possible. It usually helps.
bloot Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Hi i've told my story in "dumped by a commitment phobe, no contact in effect". i bumped into X 11 days ago in town and apart from that i have had no contact with him. but, wait for it........ i turn up to the pub last night to watch england v portugal (we were robbed) and who is standing outside? he knew i was going to be there for a fact. i didn't say much, was friendly. any way the pub was too full so the group who i was with were deciding where to go. he's hinting that i should come with him! he goes off, and then i get a text telling me which pub he managed to get in. what the ****......................... I DIDN'T TEXT BACK he dumped me (rather than sort out our problems)after a 1.5 year loving relationship and thinks we can be friends 5 weeks later. to be fair i did say i wanted friendship but now i'm not too sure. i've been feeling better since i inforced the NC thing. i still love him i would've love to spent the evening with him. but i cannot pretend that i'm not hurt. i know he still loves me but he's got to think about his actions. i wasn't prepared for last night and it has ****ed with my head. anyone know what the hell he is thinking????????? anyways, just to let you know that the NC thing has worked.......
dreamguy Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 he dumped me (rather than sort out our problems)after a 1.5 year loving relationship and thinks we can be friends 5 weeks later. to be fair i did say i wanted friendship but now i'm not too sure. i've been feeling better since i inforced the NC thing. i still love him i would've love to spent the evening with him. but i cannot pretend that i'm not hurt. i know he still loves me but he's got to think about his actions. I can say I went through the EXACT same scenario with my ex-gf. The fact is, you don't have enough information/proof yet to know if he really regrets his decision and wants you back OR he is just playing a game and testing the waters while remaining as confused as ever. Here's what I've done with my ex so far: She called me on Monday (after 3 weeks of N/C) and I answered. I acted cool and just talked about general things... Then she hinted that she was free during the week (exactly as your bf hinted you should go with him to that pub). You made the right thing by not going. I didn't invite my ex anywhere when she hinted she was free. I too have been feeling better since I enforced the N/C thing and I cannot pretend that I'm not hurt but she's got to think about her actions ! The thing is, hints are in no way a certitude ! And I wouldn't accept anything less than certitude before making my move. I'd advise you to give it a bit more time until he finally steps out like an honest person and says: I would like to see you and be with you again. The final decision is yours.
bloot Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 thanks dreamguy i think he his COMPLETELY confused and yes testing the waters. alternatively, he is feeling damn guilty about everything and trying to make peace. but i have no doubt he is missing me. i feel that it is very unfair to finish with someone and then try to keep them close to you. he needs to think about why the relationship ended not "it just wasn't working" i have had THE hardest month of my life and and don't know where to go from here. it feels like the ball's in my court now and i don't know what to do with it. does he really think that in reality we can just hang out and be friends right now? or does he have other motives???
dreamguy Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 does he really think that in reality we can just hang out and be friends right now? or does he have other motives??? Just answered that in my last post I'd advise you to give it a bit more time until he finally steps out like an honest person and says: I would like to see you and be with you again. If he doesn't that he was simply testing the waters. The final decision is yours.
tomw Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Well i made it thru another nite. Finally cried myself to sleep last nite. damn this hurts. I keep thinking that someday we might get back together and things will be right but I know in my heart that that is not true. I have such a hard time knowing that she is hurting so much because of me. trying to stay busy this weekend - I'm off to a Sundance TW
oorG Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 Any updates? This thread has REALLY helped me out. Previously: My prior relationship lasted 4 years and at the end of it she wanted "space" - of course this was sort of hidden in the notion that she also wanted to screw around with the boss (at the job I got her, in another dept at my work). So, I told her to have a nice life, and that was that. 16 Months later (a few months ago) - she contacts me - for the first time since - and mentions how she wishes she never broke up with me. (No contact really does work -- too bad I was a complete mess for a good 2 months after the fact and by the time she returned I had already moved on.) Currently: I started dating another girl about 9 months after the ex mentioned above. Things have been great until about a few months ago - increased job stress and the suicide of a friend of hers really hit her hard - and I think she never mourned the loss properly. We've had a turbulent time since with arguments and her throwing blame on me for things (not emotional enough, not sensual enough, etc.). Rewind back a little to Valentine's Day when my card was ended with "I have my seatbelt fastened.. I hope you do too" - alluding to the fact that all her prior serious relationships (a handful of em - some of which were recycled - break up/get back/break up/etc) - all began to take a downhill turn after the 6 month mark. I was (of course) baffled by this since it was like she was foreseeing our demise (how lovely). She had been broken up with her ex for a little over a year - it was a hard break up for her since she was engaged to him (for a short time) and when he left her he accused her of being a narcissist. At this point - I understand where he came from - since she exhibits about 90% of the traits associated with that disorder - but - the same can be said for manic depressive disorder - and she only shows the narcissitic traits when she's heavily on her downs. She's never seen a doctor or diagnosed but I (and others) have seen these traits in her but she refuses to see anyone and doesn't believe she's depressed. About 1.5 weeks ago we got into a little fight (nothing huge) but calling her the next day she was VERY depressed, 3 days later she was a combo depressed/angry at me... I left her a message that night to call me and no return, I tried the next day, no answer - finally 3 days after that I reach her on her cell (bad time since she was at the hair salon) and she tells me that she wasn't 'avoiding' me but rather did not 'return' my calls - nice way to put it. Due to the hurried conversation here I told her to call me back - which of course she didn't. Now, at this point, I'm wondering... wtf.. what a stupid game.. the girl that called me EVERY day for over 9 months was now avoiding my calls - ironic since a few months into the relationship I told her I needed some 'breathing space' since talking on the phone daily for 3+ hours (with her talking/complaining about work the majority of the time) was just too much for me. So, the next day I reached her at work - and she mentioned how 2 days prior she had visited with the parents of the girl who killed herself and was there the day (I didn't know she was planning this visit)... Again, she is sounding depressed and I ask her about us and what not and while she doesn't mention anything of a breakup or not wanting me to see/call her I told her flat out that I won't remain in limbo while she avoids me and forcing me to guess what her silence means, so I asked her flat out what where we go from here and she said that she "needs time". I've heard this from her in the past month with respect to other things because she feels her life is so convoluted that she has no time for herself (she really doesn't) and since she has no hobbies to release her stress sometimes it is just too much (even though she likes to think she won't burnout from being a workaholic). I asked if by her having "time" if that meant she didn't want me to call her and she said no, but, I have not called her, and it is VERY HARD not to but I must maintain the no contact rule - both from reading what you have all said - and from looking at the example of my previous relationship - where she told me (14 months later) that she originally wanted space even more simply because I was pressing her as to the reasons why she wanted *any* space to begin with! So, yes, I can relate to all of your pain - Kate & Dreamguy, your posts have made quite the impact, thank you.
djones Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 Hey Guys, I have been reading the posts and I think we are all going through very similar situations. to contact or not contact is the question...I have tried doing the no contact thing but its so hard I find my self still e-mailling her. I dont know what really works. I guess it depends if that person was meant for you, no matter what you do if they are for you they will come back. Well at least thats what they say I dont know if its true....All I know is it sucks and I still feel like crap
Apollo432 Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 I have been posting on this thread every now and then but I mostly just read and love the advice and support everyone gives here. I was hoping for some wisdom. About a month and a week ago my GF of a year told me that she was needing her time and space. Then a day would go by and she was making a mistake. She thought that she didnt give herself enough time to heal from her last relationship(he was a drunk and broke) (It was 3 years and she was engaged we were going strong about 6 mos after that) Then she said she needed to find herself and told me that she didnt want anyone different it was just bad timing. She did this for about 2 weeks when finally I had enough and packed up her stuff and gave it back to her. (We were planning on moving in August so I could go to school or she could go to school). I guess she had second thoughts about leaving her entire support system behind. I told her everything that was on my mind I told her I didnt want to lose her but if she needs space I will have to let go. She hugged me and kissed me and told me she loved me and that was it. I work in the same building as her and we have a lot of mutual friends. I was talking to a buddy who ran into her best friend at a bar one night and he said that she had a new man now. He told me this as a friend even though I would rather not have heard. I called her right after that and told her what I had heard and that my heart was telling me it wasnt true. She said that she has been "talking" to someone but that she was getting committed again for awhile. She then told me that one of the reasons she needed space was b/c she didnt give her enough time from her last relationship. I wanted to believe her with all my heart but you know how the mind can take over. That was the last time we talked on the phone. I asked her if she thought there was a future for us ect..... she said right now I need you to be my friend and give me my space and then who knows what can happen. Fast foward. She has emailed me since then and I have bumped into her at work....I tried to put on the act but dont think I did a very good job. Then she started emailing me every few days wondering how I am and what I was up to. I replied the first few times but then just stopped. I dont want a pen pal. It seems like she is hiding behind her computer? I guess my question is do you think that I should reply to those emails? It is just small talk and it makes me feel like she is just trying to make herself feel better b/c she knows how much she hurt me? I WANT THE PHONE CALL! Do you think not replying is helping or hurting my chances for that? I have been hurt a bunch of times and always thought that it would get easier. It doesnt b/c you learn from all those old relationships and get into stronger ones. I want the opportunity to become her friend. Iam still leaving town in about a month w/o her and we had been planning it for about 4 months. We talked about Kids, family and getting married. I was even saving for a ring. (she doesnt know that). Any advcie for my poor soul?
crazydawg Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 She left you for someone else, I've seen it time and time again. NO CONTACT believe me she will wonder. I'm in a similar situtation and she "talking to someone else" yea FI-N right we both know the truth. Be seen with another girl or be seen with lots of hot women and look and feel better then she will wonder what she did. Girls want a challenge not a poor smuck they can get for free and easy.!
Kate Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 listen guy who had the girl who wasn't over her last relaitonship -- i got the same line from my ex who i dated for 7 months. we fell in love after 3 years of friendship -- all of those years he was in a committed relaitonship for a total of 4. he had a crush on me the whole time. he seemed estatic at the thought of dating me. then we started arguing...he took me for granted so badly. then everytime i would get upset, he would run -- once, literally with me chasing after him. then he said he needed time/space. he didn't want to lose me, wanted to work things out...but that he didn't have a "grace period" after his last relationship. we started datinga month after it. so what. that is a load of crap and i gave him waaaaaaaaay too much credit for too long. i have been posting on here since march, blaming everything on me. searching under every rock for what I did. i did nothing wrong. i am human and have my flaws. the only difference between me and him is that i was always willing to look at those flaws, he wasn't willing to look at his -- so it always appeared to be me looking for validation, wondering what i did...i always chased him. and i can tell you, that after the FIRST time i chased him after an argument, he took full reign from there on. this bs about needing space is totally that. don't believe it. i was a believer for too long, in denial here forever, debating with those who said it was true. the truth is, if someone really wants to be with you they will. my dad is my hero and idol and has quoted that since as long as i can remember. the problem is this: i was not too needy, i was just always there. and guess what? next time around i will always be there too -- the RIGHT person appreciates that. after too much "needing space" bs, after one month of that, doing EVERYTHYING for him...and i mean everything!! (i never ever begged or asked him not to take space -- not once) i give up. i told him today "i have given my all. i no longer want to pursue anything between us." that is it, i am done. and do you want to hear the superficial irony of it all?? i am a beautiful knockout of a girl -- smart as can be -- sensitive and caring as can be -- witty as hell -- travelled and very educated and i speak 3 languages -- help others before myself -- laugh all of the time / conversely he is: average looking -- not ambitious with his life -- flat broke -- no college education -- sensitive but always thinks of himself first -- no brain giant -- as average as can be. why did i love him then? he was a different person when we were friends: attentive, wonderful eye contact, sweet demeanor, and i thought he would do anything for love. i was wrong. he is inherently shy, and his poker faced demeanor is a form of self-protection. he never went out of his way for me unless it was a favor i asked him to do. his friends are 50% losers. he simply took me for granted all of the time. i was totally wrong about him but trust me it took FOREVER to see. i thought he was the best thing since ez cheese. wake up. if you ignore her or date someone else she wont hate you or not want you -- she left you and she deserves it. if anything, she will see what she truly wants. i know that will be the case for my ex, htough it will be too late as he only seems to want things he thinks he can't have.
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