No contact is so hard!!!!!

[meanttolive4ever]

any advice on my post that i posted? i just want to know what to do.

[dreamguy]

meanttolive4ever, I hope the following will answer your last post.

Caveman, I respect your opinion. Everyone is entitled to have one.

Allow me to give you my opinion on this and, perhaps, to come out with a synthesis of both opinions.

I think that whenever there are things that do not seem to follow some clearly defined rules in life then statistics and experience are the only ways to predict the outcome.

Statistics and experience show that whenever someone dumps you (and they know how you feel about them of course) the best thing to do is to leave them alone (if not forever then at least for a certain period of time). Now the time it takes for them to contact you again, if they truly care, depends on what you did and said before you actually resolved to leave them alone.

The more you push and cling before you go away the more it takes time for them to be convinced they have lost you once you disappear from their life.

Imagine, for example, you always call your ex within short intervals. Then I can almost bet they will never call you. They have become conditioned to anticipate your calls and they will take advantage of it ! What you often need to do is to break the chain of predictable events they have become accustomed to. Then you begin confusing them and modifying their expectations, and you stand a chance of making them realize they may have lost you for good. Once they come to that conclusion, they normally start analyzing what they have lost in you and they start remembering good times they had with you. They will never take the necessary time to make that analysis as long as you contact them within short predefined intervals of time and they know they still got you by the ba*** !

Again, since life is never black or white... it's often a mixture of both, some shade of gray, I'll try to combine your point of view with mine. Blindly applying the no contact policy is not a must ! I'd say that if you really have to contact your ex, don't do it more than once every 2 to 4 weeks ! The key is to pick random days and times to call them so they cannot accurately expect your calls. Don't always call 15 days later (call 16 days later sometimes and 27 days later the next time. Call at 11:00 am sometimes and at 8:00 pm the next time). This will surely confuse them as they won't be able to make a pattern of your calls.

As humans, we always tend to prefer situations where we can predict the pattern of events (Such as earthquakes for example). Why ? Because it simply makes us feel safe, it makes us feel in control ! Don't make your ex feel safe about having you in their life, make them lose control.

[Caveman]

If you just leave em alone, doesn't it just give em reason to look for another? Or does going after em push em into the arms of another???? Doh!

 

Thank god I have a massive supply of hand lotion...

[dreamguy]

Excellent point Caveman.

That's the Dilemma we all go through.

That's why I said "I'll try to combine your point of view with mine. Blindly applying the no contact policy is not a must ! I'd say that if you really have to contact your ex, don't do it more than once every 2 to 4 weeks !"

The simple fact that you're still contacting them makes them know you still care. So there's no need to say anything more (more of the same will get you more of the same). Just be cool and show them you're still there in their life as a person they once knew (but not as someone who's pitifully waiting for them to return). I'm working on that aspect every day. It's damn hard and I can tell you I haven't mastered it myself yet ! Just like you guys, I don't have all the answers but you can be sure that every time I post a reply on this forum I learn a lot of new things and I discover new ways.

It's just like being a trapezist and walking on a tight rope ! If you fall, you're dead ! If, after you call, you talk about your feelings and/or the past relationship you had with them then it's as if you fell off that high rope !

After 3 weeks of no contact with my ex, I'm still hanging on. I want to be sure she realizes the importance of having lost me before I get in touch with her. That way I'll maximize my chances of getting a positive feedback.

You can bet I won't be using some mushy talk when/if I call her again.

It's all about keeping them in doubt. Just like you're in doubt yourself when you ask "If you just leave em alone, doesn't it just give em reason to look for another? Or does going after em push em into the arms of another????" you gotta keep them in doubt about whether they have lost your love or not ! They gotta to open the subject first and when they do, you cannot allow yourself to fall in the trap of getting sentimental all of a sudden again. This is the hardest part but if you play it well you can turn the tides and make things work for you.

Someone once said "If you want to test a person, give them power".

I'd say that , when it comes to relationships, If you want to test a person strip away their power !

And that's what your ex does to you when they break up with you. They might have the hidden intention of getting back with you someday. They are testing you to see how much pain you can handle before turning into a wuss (they want to draw clear-cut limits to your personal threshold to pain). Once they get the answer, they'll use it against you EVERY TIME in the future to get what they want.

Be smart, don't cave in but don't let them lose all hope ! Again, this is the hardest part of a relationship and it's so unfortunate that many people have to go through it before things hopefully work out in the end.

Last but not least, as Kate once posted, ask yourself: Is this the person I really want to be back with or is it just the chase and the race to win back my pride ?? Only you can answer this question.

[Caveman]

"Be smart, don't cave in "

 

umm, I'm a caveman...so I guess i'm screwed!

[dreamguy]

You were smart enough to admit it so I doubt you're screwed

[meanttolive4ever]

if you miss someone does that mean that they are missing you? could it work that way?

[Caveman]

NOPE

[dreamguy]

If you miss someone it normally means you had good times with them.

So, although they could be missing you too (when remembering the good times), it doesn't mean they miss you as much. It might be more, it might be less. It's really a subjective issue.

[Caveman]

NC is easy in my situation...I call her and she doesn't pick up the phone...so i really only have contact with her pre=recorded voice...awesome!

[dreamguy]

Caveman, what's the interval between your phone calls ? Try to stretch it as much as you can since, as I said, "more of the same will get you more of the same". It's time to change plans dude. Plan A failed... go for plan B (considerably stretch the interval between your phone calls) and have plan C ready (which might be going out with another girl). You cannot believe how nice plan C can sometimes be for your ego !

[Caveman]

Depends...I've not called for 2 weeks...then called and she didn't answer...I've waited 1,2,3,4,5, days...all the same result...usually have to play some kind of twisted game to get her to call me...

 

Pretty much pointless, she is ditching me for a rockstar...from a gimungous band...

 

But I'm not a quitter...

[BrotherD]

Dreamguy

 

Appreciate your advice. Very helpful. Thank you!!!!

 

I'm at 2 mos. NC will nary a hint of a phone call. My ex is stubborn. I am in the "it's over" stage. It seems hopeless and that's how I'm treating it. The relationship is dead at this time. I still get a rumbling feeling in my gut when I wonder if I'm ever gonna get a call. I deserve one.

I am holding fast to NC as I was treated horribly. I am still in the grips of trying to let go and be done with it. I have days when I say to myself, "it wasn't all bad.."

 

Well it was.

 

And yet I still want at least some closure

 

I have alot of unresolved feelings. Painful ones at that. There is a part of me that knows we had something. It was too intense not to.

I'm in catch 22 mode as I CANNOT INITATE CONTACT. I am clear on this. The tricky part is , how do I keep the door open if the ex wants to talk while I'm adamant about doing NC?

 

Help me here

 

Thanks!!!!!

[Kate]

thank you all so much for letting me know that you can identify with what i have said!! it makes this whole NC process so much better...i really thought about calling him all weekend. some days it's all i want to do...then, sometimes, i really think, "what the hell am i missing, and who is he?? what am I missing?"

 

and i realize, it's HIM who is missing. all of my friends/acquaintances have said that i could have done better -- and these people would NOT just say it to make me feel better. i am starting to realize now that 1) he never treated me the way i should have been 2) other people noticed 3) i was so stupid in losing myself that i blinded myself from the fact that he wasn't good enough -- and so i think i almost treated it like an abusive situation -- you know, when the woman (usually the woman) is treated badly so the worse she feels, the more she crawls back...i was doing that to myself.

 

i am starting to think that i woulid really be scared to marry someone who wasn't as willing to work something out as i was -- SIMPLY PUT. why does anyone want someone who isn't as intent on fixing a situation as they are?? so STUPID! things should always be equal, and they are not. not only will he realize what he HAD, i will wake up one morning and be like "oh man, i can't believei lowerd myself like this".

 

at the end of the day, it's all about what YOU think about yourself. obviously we all have issues here of self-respect. cause if you waver back and forth and let these people think that they are actually God-like enough to let you WAIT to see if THEY want to be with YOU, you are giving them something and they are TAKING something from you they shouldn't. it's not necessarily their fault, either, because you are actually enabling them to do it. stop being the enabler. people will only treat you as well as you allow them to, thats what i now realize. all the times i was scared to say how i felt it was cause deep down i was afraid of losing him....and it backfired, cause then when i finally blew up it was confusing to us both. i let him walk on me, he didn't walk on me. but at the same time, i can't say how important it is to find someone who won't walk on you just cause you let them........because they WONT DO IT.

[dreamguy]

BrotherD, "The tricky part is , how do I keep the door open if the ex wants to talk while I'm adamant about doing NC?"

I'm not sure if you got the "No Contact" idea the wrong way. What it usually means is "no contact" from your side. If your ex calls, then it's ok to answer. The important thing is what you say and how you say it when you answer. It's better to stay cool without sounding depressed. It's also better not to mention the past and re-open healing wounds. And most important, NEVER tell her the same things over and over again. She will stop calling if you repeat yourself every time she does ! Trust me, most people have a good memory and they tend to remember very small details in relationships. It's useless to keep on repeating it to them because then your words lose their value.

To answer your question, I think the door is always open when you answer her. Just let her be the one to make contact. If you can do that and stay strong then it's great. If you can't and you need to call, then I think it's best to keep your phone calls spaced (do not call every day or even every week). Then, check her reaction and how she talks to you when you call. If you sense ANY discomfort from her side then I'd suggest you end the conversation as quickly as possible and STOP calling.

There's an exception to that, so that some people on this forum do not misunderstand me and my point of view about NC. I still think that the persons who went to great length in showing their true feelings to someone (by calling every day and texting someone a lot, etc...) should not consider calling their ex as an option.

The only case where it might be acceptable to call is when you got out of the relationship in a rather dignified (and not needy) way. Even then, the calls should be spaced and short.

Then again, it's my opinion and it's your choice !

Kate, loved your last line "i can't say how important it is to find someone who won't walk on you just cause you let them........because they WONT DO IT". You're really an inspiration at times !

[dreamguy]

Double post. Deleted it.

[sid3]

Glad your feeling stronger about the N/C Kate. I am too. I was emailing about once a month, once or twice it was three weeks. Your right about the enabling, I enable her to have control. I figure as long as I try and make contact, she can treat me to more of the same (no reply), and know that she can come back anytime she wants. I set myself up for disappointment. I've amde it a week now with N/C, I had been at four weeks, until let my weakness get the better of me, don't you. Stay strong.

 

In regards to the post about ,"if your missing someone does that mean their missing you." Um, two people missing eachother, would probably get back together pretty quickly. I know my ex misses me at times, and I think my sticking to the N/C will in time begin to put cracks in the walls that she has built. Time will tell. I have no idea what goes thru the dumper's mind. When someone is willing to work on the relationship, admits their mistakes,and loves you completely flaws and all, I would have to think there are moments when they question their decision. Maybe not, just a thought.

[not over him yet]

I am going through the same things. It has been a month, with no phone contact (he'a far away right now), but for a few e-mails, which never suggested future contact.

 

First things,

 

b18bme, you said you wrote a letter, I hope you didn't send it!!!!!!! If you havn't yet DO NOT!!!! Those types of things are better left written down, but not sent. I made the mistake of an e-mail (but only because he is studying for something . . and I just wanted to let him know that there was no hard feelings, so I wouldn't feel guilty about him failing out of something he really wants to do, assuming he even really cared). No contact means NO CONTACT!!!!

 

I almost made the mistake of calling today, but thankfully hung up before I left a message to get my key to my house back (it went right into voicemail, thanks God!!! so no evidence of contact on caller ID). I just need to change my locks.

 

BrotherD, unfortunately, you may never get closure, and you may never get the chance to say all that you needed to say to officially close out a relationship. Unfortunately, this usually means more to the person who wants to get it off their chest than to the person you are telling this to . . . I am dying to have that closure, and its killing me, but sometimes it really would do more harm than good. Especially if you are like me and your feelings are changing constantly from one moment to the next.

 

Maybe its easier for me because it's like my ex never really listened or believed what I told him, when all I ever did was be truthful and pour my heart out to him like I did for no one else in my life (not even a previous fiance, and that's why I wanted to be completely honest and open this time, but I just choose the wrong person).

 

Kate, your situation sounds so much like mine, its not even funny. Even that Kate is your name scares me too.

 

In my humble opinion (and it is humble, because I was crying and missing him so much before, and reading these posts has helped me so much to stay strong tonight). The No contact rule is less able making him want you enough to get back, but to protect your own self-esteem, because if you are meant to be together, he/she will call, and MAYBE you can work it out, but if not, you don't need that other person, who has already had so much control and power over you, so have that feeling of empowerment. YOU are the one that needs to maintain YOUR empowerment, and in the long run, when you look back, you will be happy that you did.

 

Thank you all once again for posting here. You have gotten me through a tough evening (one month anniversary from day we broke up)

[Kate]

this seriously sucks. each day that goes by, yes i heal a little...but then i question if i am even doing the right thing. basically what happened when we were breaking up was not a solid breakup -- he said he needed space and that we would be on a "time apart". this was not malicious on his part, he really did need a time apart. lots of stuff happened and he needed the space. however he needed space from the beginning and was with me cause he really didn't want to lose me, but wasn't ready at the time...so what happened was he didn't treat me right at all throughout our whole courtship. then we started fighting, naturally. so, my question that remains is, what do i do? he said we were on a break cause he didn't know what to do. that's fine, and i respect that, but why would i give him that kind of control as to the amount of time, etc.? he is right in that he needed time...but for me to drag myself along is nuts. so, instead of saying i saw us together in the future, blahblahblah, i simply wrote him an email one week ago saying that i was moving on because for me to wait in limbo is insane.

 

people who need space are right and fine in telling us that's what they need -- i have been on the other end slightly, never to this extent though, but i totally respect it -- and that is ok, but those of us who are pining after the people who need the space need to realize this : THEY NEED SPACE and contacting them will seriously prove our weakness to not continue without them. they really want to see that we have backbones, and they need space because they probably feel they have to support us AND them. if you don't contact them and draw the line -- as i did with telling my guy i was moving on, (slightly risky thing to say and that's where my worry is) then things have time to heal the way they should.

 

my dilemma is this -- should i have not told my ex that i was going to move on? i think that this was ok to day because i feel like we were struggling already with space issues, even though we never set it in stone. i feel as though if we were to continue with HIS control over what he needed, and i obviously needed to be wtih him more than he needed me, things would continue to go off-balance. so yes, i did slightly risk him moving on as well now...by making that statement...he could think that i am too weak to give him space in order to give us a chance....but you know what i think? i think that at the end of the day there is no way anyone can erase feelings. i think that if i had said, "ok, i'll be waiting", things would STILL be the same. i don't think he will lose any feelings he has about us, i think it will give him the time to heal and be at a place that he really can give me 100% as he wasn't doing before.

 

a good friend of mine, hearing the situation very objectively from me, said that if i stayed with him and tried to make it work that maybe things would get better...but then he would reach a point where he really WAS ready to transition in life...and it would NOT include me. i think he is totally right. i think my ex's decision to take space meant that he really did want to be with me. but that he wasn't capable of giving me waht i need at this time. and i think deep down that both he and i KNOW we needed a solid break, but my ex was too weak to make that sound of a decision for fear of losing me forever. i respect that, but also myself, and think that this is for the best. so, the NO CONTACT thing serves a higher purpose than just to see if your ex returns, it means more than protecting your feelings and making you look less pathetic ( if you actually did look pathetic at the end -- I TOTALLY DID and can't believe how i acted ) , what NO CONTACT does, actually, is makes the clean break of a bone versus a fracture. it ensures that what happens down the road -- be it a few weeks or a few months, bones take different times to heal -- at least it wouild be a clean start, not a fixed fracture. i think going from a CLEAN BREAK -- which means NO EMAIL, NO PHONE, NO LOOKING FOR THEM IN CASUAL PLACES LIKE THE GYM, NO TALKING TO ANYONE WHO KNOWS THEM ABOUT THEM, etc. -- to a fresh start will ensure that the right thing for the 2 people will happen.

 

every second of each day i worry that i didn't say the rigth thing...but what is the right thing??? what THEY want to hear? just because i am worried about losing them? that's what got me here in the first place! saying what HE wanted to hear to keep him...then blowing up later and not being fair to myself OR him. that' s no way to be honest in a relationshp. i worry that me saying i was moving on will ruin things...but guess what? it won't cause it's the truth! i HAVE to move on to know if this clean break is really clean. if i contact him (which I was honestly going to do this week, even before writing here and that's why i am writing a NOVEL) then it's a bone fracture. then it has to break ALL OVER AGAIN...i learned this in my first relationship where I was the dumpER! i totally needed space to asess the realtionship and make sure it was what i wanted...but i was too weak to do it, and obviously my boyfriend didn't want to cause HE was the one being hurt and it was the last thing he wanted. in retrospect, i realize this: if HE was the one who initiated the CLEAN BREAK at a time where I obviously needed space, etc., it would have helped SO MUCH. i would have respected him so much more, felt less pressured, and known that i didn't have to babysit him. even if he wrote me a letter like the one i wrote my ex via email one week ago, as long as he stood his ground and initiated the no contact, i woiuld have respected him more. in fact, we broke up once, and he left me alone to collect my thoughts for a week...and I CAME BACK!

 

leaving people alone really works. at the end of the day, we must all get over our fears of losing them just cause we aren't in contact with them. we must recongnize the power of what it means to grip our balls and believe in ourselves. i'm totally going through this right now. this has a ffected my job, my day to day activity where i put on a fake smile, just like everyone else on here. we all need to form an alliance and stop being such pussies. our needs are important here, and just because we were "hurt and totally worried about doing and saying the wrong thing" doesn't mean that we have to succumb to someone else's needs. what about ours? it also doesn't mean we have to be victims, either. just cause the other person wanted space doesn't mean that we are too weak to give it to them! i mean think about how THEY see it -- they are asking for something as a test to see if you can give it to them.

 

i haven't heard from my ex since last monday when i sent him that email...i realize now that even though i am DYING for him to contact me, and even though the email i sent had guilt-trip undertones, those were my feelings..and i believe that even though my ex misses me and wants to contact me, by making NO CONTACT, i am now making up for all of the weakness i showed in our relationship. i made many points in my last email about the fact that i don't think he treated me well from the beginning, and that even though he had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship that he still could have been there more for me. i wrote about my pain, etc., and know that it sounded weak...but at least he knows how i feel...AND, most importantly, BY NOT CONTACTING HIM, I AM SAYING THIS "IF WE ARE TO GET BACK TOGETHER YOU WILL TREAT ME THE WAY I DESERVE, NOT OUT OF YOUR CONVENIENCE. I AM WORTH IT BECAUSE I DIDN'T ACT LIKE A PATHETIC AND NEEDY LOSER WHEN I KNEW YOU NEEDED TIME ON YOUR OWN. I CAN MAKE IT ON MY OWN TOO, AND THERE ARE OTHER SUITORS THAT WOULD BE HAPPY TO COURT ME IN LIFE. IF WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN IT WILL BE BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH STRONG -- NOT BECAUSE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME AND NOT BECAUSE I AM DESPERATE TO HAVE YOU BACK".

 

right? ok i wrote a novel, but i need some support here. can you guys comment? how are the other dumpees doing? i'm miserable....but going one day at a time, just like an alcoholic...knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...and i can't wait until i feel STRONG again...and i can guarentee everone one here this -- when you finally feel STRONG again, you will hear from them (God's/whatever's work or something i think) and you will be again in a position of strength...just the way you were when you STARTED the relationship! won't that feel great?? i am working on me right now and can't wait to have my head and self-repsect back together. you can only make something work when you have yourself, and right now i do NOT have myself.

 

everyone, go out there and like youreslf...i promise you will be able to better deal with this. now i need to take my own advice....cause the second i leave this computer i will start thinking irrantionally again!!! think of NC as a huge real estate investment....it grows a more profitable fortune over TIMe...the longer the time, the more desireable it is...

[Kate]

by the way, when they do want you...and i mean really want you...the will call!!!! why do you want someone who calls you out of pity? if they call you, it means they really want you....so wait for that call but make it worth it by not calling them. and if they do call you...and you are NOT IN A POSITION OF STRENGTH OR DO NOT HAVE YOURSELF BACK YET, DON'T pick up the phone. giving them a taste of their own medicine for your benefit is not playing games -- it's doing exactly what they did -- needed time for themself!! you are entitled to the same. i will not answer the phone if my ex calls, cause i know it hasn't been long enough for me...and what will that do? insure my self-respect, establish boundaries, and make him realize i am not a weakling. talk to them when YOU are ready...even assess if you REALLY WANT IT!!!! some days i think he's not right for me, cause he didn't treat me the way i feel i deserved...maybe it is good he hasn't called me, cause maybe in a week or so i will really realize i don't want to be with him.

[ntovrhm]

(This is "not over him yet", just find got through registration)

 

Hang in there Kate, and everyone else. You are making the right decision, and would regret contact after you did it. You have already explained how you feel. I will write more later, but can't now.

 

STAY STRONG!!!!!!

[Kate]

ok ok i am nuts. i know i just posted the last 2 really long long posts about what to do/not to do...but i am DYING to text my ex and say "hope you are doing well". i'm really suprised he hasn't done that to me yet. but what will it accomplish? if he responds, i'll be disappointed cause he'll just simply be responding...and probably nothing more than a "u too" response. and if he doesn't, i'll go NUTS and probably start calling him again.

 

is that how it happens with everyone else? is it like an alcoholic syndrome for you guys too? i have a problem that i can't just make one call....i'm so compulsive, maybe i just listed one of my problems...so hmmm...maybe if i COULD just send ONE text....and not 2 or 20, he would respect me? i don't know...i guess if i am hesitant i should not. but i'm dying!! but, if this is an important case of who's going to blink first, and i couild ruin things by contacting him, then i suppose i shouldn't. but i'm thinking about doing it also cause i told him not to contact me at all. but then again, i CAN wait until i feel that things are smoothed over between us and we can start as friends or at least fresh again...

 

ok ok i must talk myself out of this -- if my major complaint was that through the whole relationship i chased him, why do it again? i know he is probably scared i won't talk to him again and if i text him then maybe it will be ok, but i can't risk going to him AGAIN. i need to feel like i will land on my feet. if i contact him, that is going to send him the biggest sense of security and validation and probably prolong ANY contact he will want to make with me. i guess the point is, he was the one who initiated space...i was the one who said no contact....he being the initiator should contact me regardless....it would also say a lot about whether or not he wants me...because i did say only to contact me if/when he was ready for a relationsihp again...is that too much of an ultimatum? i'm running in circles again, aren't I? i suppose i am worrying too much about what HE thinks. he obviously knows that it is not set in stone that he can't contact me....it's just what i said for my own well-being...if anything, if he does love me he will do so when the time is right for him. obviously it's not just yet....oh man, i need to set my own time limit here...i was thinking like another week before contacting him and seeing how it feels? i don't know what to do...my fear of rejection is still too great....and i want to suggest so badly a movie or something...but a week is too soon...even though it feels like a month....anyone?

[dreamguy]

Kate, What's your sign ? Don't worry I'm not trying to hit on you. DUH !! But I completely identify with your posts !! You ask questions and you answer most of them. It's great to have you on this forum.

I had a bad day today, felt like calling a hundred times !! But when I came here and read your post you boosted my ego like crazy !! You're strong and so is everyone else here. You might feel weak but I can assure you that in situations like ours (being dumped by someone we love so much) other people just couldn't find it in them to be fighters !! Whoever said that being a fighter is easy ? Whoever said that being afraid is stupid ? Fear is a sign of wisdom for it means you are able to accept the harsh reality as it is and face it instead of living in illusions like a coward !!

I don't think that sending that email was wrong Kate. You decided to let your ex know that you won't take his sh** and you went for it. But let it be the ONE and ONLY time where you do that. Repeat it once and it loses ALL its power.

Everyone out there reading this (including you Kate), I ask you to write down this line (from Kate's post) and memorize it by heart !! One of the best lines ever posted about break ups on this forum !!

 

"AND, most importantly, BY NOT CONTACTING HIM/HER, I AM SAYING THIS "IF WE ARE TO GET BACK TOGETHER YOU WILL TREAT ME THE WAY I DESERVE, NOT OUT OF YOUR CONVENIENCE. I AM WORTH IT BECAUSE I DIDN'T ACT LIKE A PATHETIC AND NEEDY LOSER WHEN I KNEW YOU NEEDED TIME ON YOUR OWN. I CAN MAKE IT ON MY OWN TOO, AND THERE ARE OTHER SUITORS THAT WOULD BE HAPPY TO COURT ME IN LIFE. IF WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN IT WILL BE BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH STRONG -- NOT BECAUSE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME AND NOT BECAUSE I AM DESPERATE TO HAVE YOU BACK". "

 

By the way, ntovrhm is right. "You are making the right decision, and would regret contact after you did it. You have already explained how you feel." . That's exactly how I felt after contacting my ex 3 weeks ago. I regretted it !

[ntovrhm]

You are WAYYYYYY to confused and emotional to do anything so rash . . . BE STRONG and YOU WON"T Regret it. Think of it this way, take baby steps and wait until tomorrow, then maybe tomorrow, if your still this confused, wait another 24 hours. You can't be weak, and a tepid response from him will only make you feel worse.

 

It's like giving up an addiction, and you are not alone. PLEASE don't contact him!! Not in the state you are in!!!

 

You feelings are changing by the minute, and once you send that text, you will not be able to take it back . . . .

[Kate]

you guys are going to get so mad because i'm writing so much here...

 

another thought though, he MUST be going through the same withdrawl i am, right? i mean, he DEFINITELY misses me too...even though he has his space now, if he is doing great then he is missing me and misses passing the time w/out me...has he found someone else?? rediculous...i know i was the most fun EVER...and if he is second-guessing his decision to leave me...which i hope hope hope he is doing, this is harder on him than on me. because he didn't say permanent break up, he said he needed a break from us. he never said, "i don't want to be with you anymore" or "this just won't work". it was the stupid "i needs space" -- and honestly, i thikn that is a crock of **** for people to say. what it really means is, "i need space and i'm not afraid of losing you cause you have always been there". they are not lying in that they need space, but are incorrectly handling the situation because they aren't trying to come up with a plan that works for BOTH people as a unit to make the relaitonsihp better, they are focusing on what they need. i don't know, it can be construed as selfish or unselfish, i'm confused again at this point.

 

i guess i'm not gonna lose him overnight, either, so i have to stop worrying about that. but my worry right now is about him -- he has a lot of pride, too much in fact...and i'm worried that he'll just move on cause i'm not waiting in the wings. but that's also not myfault....i did give him an opportunity to be with me if he wanted to give 100% and since i can't accept less, what can i do? i almost feel like i am ready to start slow again with him, but maybe i can't handle that right now. all or nothing.