No contact is so hard!!!!!

[Caveman]

Go to a therapist. It will help you understand your feelings.

[dreamguy]

b18bme,

 

I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. So please understand that I'm only doing this to help you get out of this awkward and painful situation !

 

First of all HANG ON because you're not alone, everyone on this forum is with you !!

Just think of all the people on this forum who have gone through the same (if not worse) experience you're living. That's right, we all think our pain is the most intense and no one else on earth ever felt the same. It's a typical human behavior.

 

I myself am still going through the hardest break-up I have ever encountered !

I had been with this gorgeous girl for about 8 months. About 3 weeks ago she said "I need some time alone". I tried to understand why she needed that time by herself. As you can imagine, she gave me all sorts of reasons many of which were probably true and many others were fake (she just made them up so she wouldn't look like a bad heartless person). You see, when people want to break up with someone, they hate to feel they hurt that person (it backfires on their self-esteem and makes them feel cruel. They just don't want that !).

I went to her place once after that and, although I remained very calm and composed, I couldn't get her to give me the absolute truth about the reasons behind the break-up decision. You can say that I used my visit as a pathetic EXCUSE to see her once again ! But, in reality, it was simply of no use ! In fact, it drove her one step further from me ! And when I left her house, I was still as confused as ever !

 

I'm gonna teach you how to use your own weakness to build up your strength !

You said "I'm afraid that she'll forget about me if I don't call her".

You also said "I feel like I cannot escape the pain and it is so intense. I will be strong and will not contact her. I hope she will contact me someday again."

Ask yourself this: "What is worse ? To refrain from calling and endure your current pain but eventually force her to respect you and MAYBE call you again OR To call and feel relief for the few minutes you have her on the phone but then make her think you're weak, pathetic and a wuss and make sure she loses all remaining respect and attraction for you and never calls you again ?"

To put it simply, your weakness is "your fear of losing her". Right ? Ok so understand what I said above and use your fear of losing her to convince yourself NOT to call her !!

 

You said "I hope I did not make her hate me. I guess only time can heal the feelings of pain"

I can assure you she doesn't hate you. She didn't break up with you because she hates you, and even now (after all you've done) I can almost be sure she still doesn't hate you. People who break up often do it because they feel so indulged and pampered in the relationship that it loses its charm. The charm of wanting what you cannot have !! And that my friend is why people tell you to constantly remain a CHALLENGE in the relationship (do not always be available, do not talk about your feelings too much and too soon, do not call many times per day, etc...).

About time healing the pain, some people might tell you to forget and forgive.

I say you cannot forget because the memories will simply always exist somewhere in your mind.

I say you should not forgive in the sense that what she did to you is acceptable. IT ISN'T !

What you should do instead is, LET GO. This girl has already kept you up and crying for weeks. She ruined your past, why do you allow her to keep on ruining your future !!

Tell yourself this "I'll stop calling her and try not to think of her for the time being and, as I live each day like a normal person who's willing to be happy and perhaps meet someone else, I won't try to predict the future. If she calls then so much for the better."

What if she doesn't call you ask ? Do what I asked of you above, and by the time you realize she is not going to call "if this becomes the case and she just doesn't phone you", I can assure you that you will have already overcome most of your pain and you will be stronger and ready to deal with it. Hell, you might even be in a better relationship with another person !!

No one can predict the future, stop wasting time and energy trying to analyze every possible outcome. Live in the present, day by day, and believe in yourself and your own happiness. This will dramatically increase the odds of her getting back to you someday (if it's bound to happen) !!

[meanttolive4ever]

well its been almost i think a month since i last talked to my ex. Ive gotten a new job and i realized i dont have time for a relationship even if i wanted one. I work all the time now. I think someone told my ex that i work there and he came in the other day. And he never comes in there. and our paths keep crossing but at different times. I dont know. I still wanna be with him deep down in my heart. But he hasnt contacted me in awhile. His sister has been calling me but i dont want to talk to her. Cause i know she'll try to get me over there. But its like anywhere he goes he doesnt bring the girl he's with and she wasnt with him the other day when came in. So i dont know if they're still together or not. I hope they're not but then again i hope they're happy if they are. I miss him a lot and i havent tried to contact him since last month. But we were together for 10 1/2 months so i dont know if that qualifies that maybe he'll come back or not. He gave me the whole "its not you its me " story and its the biggest piece of bull ive ever heard. but that happened back in February. So i dont know.

[dreamguy]

meanttolive4ever,

 

I don't mean to give you a false hope only to let you down later on but believe me, your paths aren't crossing by pure luck. There's something more to it.

1) it could be that he's the greedy selfish type of person who likes to keep on feeding on others` sadness and pain so he can feel better himself (and this could be why he constantly bumps into you to check if you still have feelings for him which would make him feel great of course !)

2) it could be that he still has feelings for you and he is trying to get back with you (although it's a possibility, I seriously doubt this is the explanation to it because if he did and he was ready to do so, he would have at least contacted you by phone, email, sms, etc...)

If you want to do something smart, avoid all eye contact with him whenever your paths do cross (just pretend he isn't there and that you're busy doing something). If he really wants you back, he will initiate a conversation with you (whether by phone or by getting close to you and saying "hi how are you").

Now, if he catches you looking at him by any chance, don't do anything. Wait for his response for a couple of seconds:

- If he says "hi" or nods his head then simply return his "hi" in a blunt and dull way. Just as you would with a stranger on the street.

- If he doesn't have any reaction, then look away (just look away while keeping your head up, don't look down then away !) and continue whatever you're doing.

 

As for his sister calling you it can also mean two things, none of which is really beneficial for you.

1) she might be feeling sorry to see you get hurt and is trying to make up for her brother's cruel behavior.

2) she might be in the game with him and he could be using her to indirectly test the waters on your side.

Again, if you want to do something smart (although you will have to be a good actor because you will have to lie to her and use a confident yet relaxed tone of voice), answer her ONCE AND ONLY ONCE to tell her that you're really doing great and you thank her for her concerns but there really is no need for her to worry. You're happy and living it well, the past is the past !

If you don't answer her this ONCE, it will mean that you're still suffering and you're avoiding everything that reminds you of him.

 

Did you ever think that he never brings this girl he's with because she might not be aware of your existence and he wants to keep her in the dark about his past relationship with you ? (that is, if there really is another girl in his life right now).

 

You're absolutely right. Lines like "it's not you it's me" or "you're too good for me" are total crap ! Never fall for that stuff. You gotta see right through it.

I'll tell you what really qualifies that maybe he'll come back. First of all he has to miss you then he has to realize he has feelings for you. But that's not enough because your behavior will affect the final outcome. You gotta stop all forms of contact with him (email, phone, sms, via relatives, etc...) until he comes crawling back (if he does).

You can never make someone love you if they don't. You can never make someone jump back into a relationship if they don't want to or are not ready yet. Such foolish and emotional attempts always drive the person away. If you don't believe me, ask anyone who insisted on doing it. They got a door slammed in their face or a phone hung up on them.

I don't advise you to call him or get in contact with him in any way, especially that your paths keep crossing and you know very well that he can walk up to you at any time and say "hi" when he is ready and when he sorts things out in his mind and heart.

So don't feel sad (although it's easier said than done). Just give it more time and keep on updating us about the latest news.

[meanttolive4ever]

like back in march he would come up to me in my old work and start flirting with me..sticking his tongue out and smiling n crap..i dont know. he had another girl the same one he's supposedly with now. But he would call me when she was at school because he was bored. i dont know...its starting to make me wonder but i cant analyze everything. but oh well..we'll just see what happens.

[dreamguy]

"Stick his tongue out " ? How old is he anyway because he sounds pretty immature to me.

 

"He would call me when she was at school because he was bored" ? What is this ? Do you accept to be that someone he calls when he has nothing better to do ?

 

Tell me you're not serious when you say "we'll just see what happens". Don't just sit back and let it happen, you have to MAKE it happen. Dump him on the spot.

Even if things did work out between you two and you eventually got back together, would you be able to live with the fact that you were "the someone" he called when he had nothing better to do ?

Obviously he has no respect for you whatsoever and without respect there can be no love. There can only be lust.

And you gotta make the difference between both.

Love is when u feel the other person is a part of you in everything (when that person's happiness sometimes counts more than your own !).

Lust is when you simply have a need or a desire for physical contact with someone.

 

Ask yourself why do you want him back so much ? I seriously doubt that the answer will be "Love". Not after all you've seen. So is it lust or is it just to get revenge by dumping him once you have him. Because either way it's not worth your time. Believe me you can meet new people who would deserve to have you. You gotta set your mind to it and acknowledge that this relationship is over (not because he ended it but because YOU don't want him anymore). It would be a lot easier for you to come to that conclusion if you only allowed yourself to see the flaws in his character instead of just dwelling on the few qualities he has skillfully managed to show you in order to capture you heart.

[dribliz]

Being sweet and thoughtful to a distance and keeping the distance is a winner! The roses were a good idea. Just keep it distance do your thing. I promise they will come back. I've been on both sides. I was the one totaly heartbroken over a guy and I chased and it just pushed him further away. Once I backed off and seemed ok he came back wanting to work it out. Sometimes ppl just cant' see what is right in front of their noses. Take it away and then they realize. Now I am the girl on the other side. I am confused and not clear of what to do in my relationship. I love the guy to death I have wanted this for so long but for some reason I am unclear. I don't know why. I chased him for like 3 years and all i wanted was for him to want me back in the same way and get married and now I have it and am unclear.

 

We have been together for over four years now and just a week ago we had an arguement and I told him we were done. We didnt' talk for a week then he left a note at my house. I didn't respond. Although it made me think and it was heartouching. I just need my space to get clear in my own head. That was last sunday he called me today and begged me if I would go to lunch with him. I declined. Then he asked if I would at least give him 10 or 15 min in person to talk to him. I dont' really want to. I probably will though. I would rather not. I know he loves me I know all of what he has to say I am just unclear in my own head. I love him so much but right now I just want to let it all go and be alone and get clear on some things. It's not fair for me to hold onto him when I am unclear cause it just hurts him so until I am clear I am going to let him go. It makes it harder and makes me more confused for him to contact me. It makes it much much much harder. Respect the space and leave her alone cause if she is anythign like where I am she just needs some alone time and to get clear whatever that may take or however that may look. As for me I 'm sure I'll end up back with him but I dont' want to give a false hope either cause I am so confused in myself. I love him with all my heart and there is nobody else I can see myself with and I can't honestly imagine my life without him but....... I have to figure out what my fear is and I can only do that being on my own. So when I talk to him tomorrow I plan on sticking to my guns and just telling him that I have to let him go for now. IT's going to be hard. I risk losing him which scares me but I need the space right now. I need some alone time. It's a big decision to get married and I'm scared and I have to figure out what my fears are. If they are fears or if they are doubts. I have to get clear. Contacting and chasing only prolongs and makes thigns worse. I PROMISE!!! Let go if it is meant to be it will work out I promise! Good Luck! Whatever happens happens for a reason just remember that.

[meanttolive4ever]

well he gave me that "its not you its me" excuse and "i dont know how to feel" go deveryone keeps talking to me about him its driving me crazy...more than likely we'll prolly get back together but he's gotta make contact first. and i havent been happy since that day..i mean yea ive done fun stuff and i smile jus t to let people know im alright..but i havent really been happy. Even tho i have dated. Its just not the same. But i know that i do love him and would do anything for him.

[Kate]

wow you guys, i am totally struggling. i have posted on here 1000times but anyway... my guy had a crush on me for 3 years and sounds just like the girl who needs time away from her bfriend and is thinking about marriage.

 

my ex had the biggest crush on me, ever. then, we started relations and it turned into a relationship. i called him too much, always initiated everything, and could never get reciprocation cause i was always the one doing it. then we woulid fight and he would pull away drastically. then, after the last 3 fights, he said he needed space...then a break...then the last one we WERE on a break and i called him and fought with him again and probably ruined it for good.

 

i just HATED being taken for granted. but i did what everyone else does wrong...i contacted him repeatedly and didn't give him space. then, it weakened things when we were hanging out cause i was on edge and pleasing him. horrible!! then after the last fight he clearly didn't want anything to do with me, though he said he thinks things will work out in the future, just please give him a break. how long do i have to wait? it's been 5 days and i'm going nuts. i can barely work, but at least i am eating and sleeping. it's affected my job and i'm in sales so it SUCKs. i don't know what to do. i guess if they really love you, and you LEAVE THEM ALONE they will come back. i'm doing my best not to call him, though i ALMOST did today in a state of dispair and weakness. but also, i went 5 days w/out calling him LAST TIME we broke up and he called me...and i resisted even after a voicemail...but he texted me AGAIN after 2 days so i caved in and the whole cycle started again. he wanted to see me cause he wanted to make sure i was still "there", but wanted his space. i don't think that's right, so that's when we had a nice talk and then said we would just take space but then i called him up and started in on him and a whole nother break up insued.

 

now i don't know what to do -- i sent him an email saying don't contact me, i need to move on from you. it's just not fair for people to keep you in limbo, and i do have some self-respect to retain, so unless i KNOW he wants to be with me i won't. at least i have that going for me. but it doesnt' make it any easier. all i want to do is call him, this has been the worst day of my life it feels like. my stomach is in knots and i think i have an ulcer.

 

keep reminding yourself of what you DIDN'T like about the person and that there is a possiblity your dream person exists. there is always someone who can make you feel better.

 

i think staying out of contact completely is the only way to know if someone loves you or not, because they either come back or they don't . there is the answer. easier said then done, but just keep repeating it to yourself. trust me, they are just as nervous as you are. but haven't shown their weakness the same way. i have now been on both sides of the coin. it sucks both ways.

 

PEOPLE NEVER EVER KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE UNTIL IT'S GONE. WE HAVE TO BE STRONG TO SUPPORT THIS FACT.

[sid3]

Your right, I found out. Also am finding out that if you make contact you aren't gone. Basically letting the other person know that their loved and missed even while it's not being returned. What kind of ego boost must that be. I've about had it with that, failed too many times with N/C to break down again.

[Kate]

yes it doesn't ruin it for GOOD if you contact them, but def. prolongs the crappy process. what do you mean you failed with N/C?

[sid3]

I failed in that I put my needs first and sent some emails, I have resolved to stop sending any now. It is not letting her see what it is like for me to be gone.I am struggling with letting go.

[Kate]

then how does this no contact thing work? i sent my ex an email saying that although he wanted time apart, there was just no way i could sit idle, waiting for him to come back to me. i said for him to only contact me if/when he is ready for a fully commited relationship, and even then i can't promise him i will still be there because i am moving forward. although i said not to contact me, i wonder what this has done. do you think i ruined chances of us being together because now he knows that he can't contact me unless he wants a relationship? well i guess at least i will know that if he ever does contact me, it's for a good reason. why do i want to sit around and wait for someone, who, every time i hear from them, i am HOPING they want me 100%?

 

telling someone to stop contacting you and you stop contacting them forces the truth of the matter. the way i see it, although i secretly want him to call, write, anything (which i doubt he will, but there is my answer anyway!) it's so much better for him to know that he can't have me when he wants me. by restricting someone from using you, it forces them to know whetehr or not they really care about you and you will know it if they do.

 

do you think this was right for me to d o? i really didn't see any other way out of this thing. it was killing me the first time he said he needed a break -- i treated it like a break up, but he called me 5 days later! that's NOT FAIR! because all he wanted to do was "talk", but what that secretly means is that they really want to see that you are still there, waiting in the wings for them. this obviously didn't work for us, because i called him drunk 2 nights later and wanted to hook up -- and i guess i was demanding cause he didn't want to and then we got into another fight. it just mdae things so much worse than they were.

 

if you are going on time apart from someone, you really need to lay down the law. it is such a crock of **** when they say that they "want to work things out...just give it time...." you are a TOTAL sucker if you sit around and wait. i have been on the other side of this and know that as long as they know you are waiting, they will never ever come to you. you have to cut off contact completely, let them bleed over it, and not cave in the first time they come running back. because they will, it's just a matter of time. people break up and say "time apart" because they want to see how weak you are and if they can have you at their leisure -- if they CAN, they will eventually drop you. be strong and don't tolerate that bull****.

 

even though i think about my ex every second and secretly want to call him and hang up, (makes no sense, it's like you want to know they are breathing -- and they will know it's you!!!) and all i think about is him all day long, i also know that he needs to be put in his place. people do go through things where either they are not ready, or they question what they are in .... that is normal, however let them think ALONE -- if you are in the picture in any way shape or form, you will continue an ugly cycle till one of you simply finds someone else....THEN IT WILL REALLY BE AWFUL. right now i am focusing on myself, trying to find a new guy to pass time with casually, etc. once they think you have moved on, and that they were the cause of it ""THIS IS SO IMPORTANT!!!!!!"", they will freak out, because nobody likes to be responsible for losing something on their own free will. this is all a big test for people, as genuine as it seems. think about it this way -- you are scared every time you call and it pushes your significant ex away...and each time you do that it does....well, every time you DON'T pick up the phone, don't call, etc., your EX comes closer as they worry they have lost you and obviously it is their fault since they initiated it. don't get sucked into this trap. ignore them completely. make them feel the way they have made you feel. they deserve it to know what they had. and, don't go back so easily. if they could leave you like that, do you really want them anyway??

[meanttolive4ever]

well i havent talked to my ex in over a month and he gave me the "its not you its me" " i dont know how to feel, i dont know whats wrong with me" deal...do you think that i have a chance that he'll be back? we were so perfect together.i guess we were just fighting too much and in the end we just quit. He even asked me if it was offiicial...and when i said no he was like "thats not fair" i was like " then why the hell are you asking me if its official". guys are dumb i swear. Then he said "why are you being such a b**** about it..?" i said "because you made me that way" he said "whatever" and left. ugh. i hate him now lol but i love him to death. I dont know what to do. This is so hard to do.

[Kate]

if you really want him, or want to see what he is made of, you have to "buck up" and grip your pride. my ex and i were fighting and that was when he said that he needs a break...that he did see us together down the road (and i think he DID but was confused as to why it waasn't working) and that he needs time apart from us to think. that's fine and all, but what you can't do is sit there and wait for them...you have to make a decision for yourself, or i promise you will be waiting forever.

 

maybe my ex really meant just that -- that he needed time and did expect to get back together...but that also meant haivng me on the side, feeling comfortable with the fact that i was there.

 

by telling him that it is one way or another, and breaking completely and then not caving in aagain the second he wants us back together, that is insuring not only my respect, but allowing me to know what he really feels about us. it is forcing him to make a decision either way, and i know that if he misses me enough (which i know he will) i will have him back again. but you also have to let time pass, or you are just picking the scab. i know in my heart that ( i know this is weak ) i have to find someone else right now. nothing serious, but a total distraction. it is the only way to get through it, and i know for a fact that every time we would fight or not talk that my ex was calling this other girl. fine, let him call her. she does not compare to me. but if i chase him, she will look like a pot of gold. let them see what else is out there and at the same time distance yourself.

 

like you, i am pining over the moment that he will call or text me and say he is ready...it's so stupid, i should just quit but i can't help thinking about him...thne agian, think about if you DID have them and they WERE totally committed....would you REALLY want them then, or is it just the chase??? i don't know, because my ex and i were great friends and had a lot of fun togheter, but there are certain places i don't know that we would have the best time at together (i'm really wordly, he's not for example)...also, i know he couldn't support me financially if we were to get together later on, i mean he can't even support himself...he's not ambitious about life and barely has a business plan and is always broke...and didn't go to college....and doesn't openly communicate his feelings about me....so waht the hell is it then? i have to seriously consider those factors, because maybe i am just being weak and wanting somehting cause i am told i can't have it but wouldn't want it anyway? i'm trying to wake up here...

[sid3]

make them feel the way they have made you feel. they deserve it to know what they had

 

Interesting point, something I haven't been able to do. Until now. stay strong Kate.

[meanttolive4ever]

Originally posted by Kate

if you really want him, or want to see what he is made of, you have to "buck up" and grip your pride. my ex and i were fighting and that was when he said that he needs a break...that he did see us together down the road (and i think he DID but was confused as to why it waasn't working) and that he needs time apart from us to think. that's fine and all, but what you can't do is sit there and wait for them...you have to make a decision for yourself, or i promise you will be waiting forever.

 

maybe my ex really meant just that -- that he needed time and did expect to get back together...but that also meant haivng me on the side, feeling comfortable with the fact that i was there.

 

by telling him that it is one way or another, and breaking completely and then not caving in aagain the second he wants us back together, that is insuring not only my respect, but allowing me to know what he really feels about us. it is forcing him to make a decision either way, and i know that if he misses me enough (which i know he will) i will have him back again. but you also have to let time pass, or you are just picking the scab. i know in my heart that ( i know this is weak ) i have to find someone else right now. nothing serious, but a total distraction. it is the only way to get through it, and i know for a fact that every time we would fight or not talk that my ex was calling this other girl. fine, let him call her. she does not compare to me. but if i chase him, she will look like a pot of gold. let them see what else is out there and at the same time distance yourself.

 

like you, i am pining over the moment that he will call or text me and say he is ready...it's so stupid, i should just quit but i can't help thinking about him...thne agian, think about if you DID have them and they WERE totally committed....would you REALLY want them then, or is it just the chase??? i don't know, because my ex and i were great friends and had a lot of fun togheter, but there are certain places i don't know that we would have the best time at together (i'm really wordly, he's not for example)...also, i know he couldn't support me financially if we were to get together later on, i mean he can't even support himself...he's not ambitious about life and barely has a business plan and is always broke...and didn't go to college....and doesn't openly communicate his feelings about me....so waht the hell is it then? i have to seriously consider those factors, because maybe i am just being weak and wanting somehting cause i am told i can't have it but wouldn't want it anyway? i'm trying to wake up here...

 

he said the same thing to me...he said that down the road that there's a definate possibility that we would get back together.He said he was going to try to rebuild the love that he once had for me..and that he still really cares for me a lot. I dont know. Im not waiting around on him..i already began dating again...and im about to again. i dont know if he's still with the girl before or if he's single again. But you know the funny thing. He never took the time to mourn or whatever its called after we broke up. He didnt let it "get to him" do you think it will get to him sooner or later?

 

Well my ex has a good paying job and he knew that i was jealous of that because i was looking for a job like his. He came home one day after work when i was there, and started flashing his money around. I was like get out of here with that. man o man. I think he was just trying to look good. He's changed so much since we broke up. Like one day i went over to his apt the same week we broke up and i was in his bedroom crying my eyes out. He comes in there changing clothes n stuff..he wouldnt even change in front of me which i thought was weird because we would always change in front of eachother. But i was sitting there crying looking at him and he said whats wrong..i looked at him and just shook my head. thats all i did was cry that night and i would lay in his bed and fall asleep. i just cant let him go because i know in my heart that we aer meant to be...maybe not right now but i know we are. Everytime i talk about him my heart just flutters and i always have a good feeling about it. Usually when i dont like an ex i always have a bad feeling about them and i know that they arent coming back..but with him it was different. I miss him so much and i feel like i want to cry again. Its killing me not being able to call him when i have a bad day or even telling him how much i miss him. I told him one day on here that i missed talking to him and he said sorry..and then he said "quit bugging my friends" i was like "what are you talking about?" he said "dont push the fact that we arent together" I was like "i dont understand". He said "i know how much you think this sucks". So i dont know if he misses me or not. I always thought that when you start to miss someone then that means that they are missing you...but i dont know.

 

I just miss him a lot and i know i cant wait around forever..i waited 3 months after we broke up and its still killing me. Not even two weeks later i hear about him coming into my work talking to my friend about why we broke up "because we had sex too much" ah, i dont know what to believe anymore..even at his sisters kids bday party he was flirting with me like elbowing me n crap. this is really starting to get on my nerves. I seriously dont know what to do. i'll hold on for how long i need to but ive just been working a lot keeping my mind off of him. It works most of the time but then there's times at night when we used to call eachother before we went to bed. and i just miss it. ugh. i hate being a girl sometimes.

[dreamguy]

Kate,

 

Although I'm a guy and I can financially support my ex, I still feel our cases our so much alike.

I can just take your lines and use "she" instead of "he". She's not ambitious about life and barely has a business plan and is always broke... and didn't go to college... and doesn't openly communicate her feelings about me....so what the hell is it then? i have to seriously consider those factors".

By the way, I loved your post. I completely identified with it right from the beginning to the last line.

 

"if you really want him, or want to see what he is made of, you have to "buck up" and grip your pride."

"by telling him that it is one way or another, and breaking completely and then not caving in again the second he wants us back together, that is insuring not only my respect, but allowing me to know what he really feels about us."

"fine, let him call her. she does not compare to me. but if i chase him, she will look like a pot of gold. let them see what else is out there and at the same time distance yourself."

"then again, think about if you DID have them and they WERE totally committed....would you REALLY want them then, or is it just the chase???"

 

Great stuff ! I think many people on this forum would benefit from reading these lines. You're a strong girl Kate, and guess what... you will get stronger with time. Keep believing.

[dribliz]

Kate,

 

I am the one who is taking some space from the guy I have been dating for four years. I have been on both sides of the fence. Both sides are very frustrating to say the least. But here is what i have learned from my experience. I know being the one sitting idle is very hard but I also know I would rather them figure it now than later. I am now the one that needs some alone time just to think and follow for sure what my heart wants and what makes me happy. Sometimes you just need to feel like it is your decision and that you are not making it out of pressure. What I am doing right now is working perfect for me and the fact that he is giving me the space I deserve and not giving me ulitmatums or pressuring me is making me that much more inclined to be with him number one but shows how much he really does love me cause he is respecting my space to find out what is best for me. That is true love. So if you really love you man. Don't contact him. Give him space. Honestly if it's meant to be then it will be and if not and you trully love him then you will be happy with his decision even if it may hurt. Don't ever give ultimatums or conditions on things like..... until your ready for a complete commitment blah blah blah.... that puts walls up within itself. You have to be open and just let things happen in their own divine order. Things will work out just as they should. Good luck. Remember give them space. Never a truer statement than if you love something let it go... if it comes back it's yours if it doesn't it was never meant to be.. It's hard to see the flip side of that sometimes cause it can be hurtful but what's meant to be will be. I promise. Keep yourself busy and remember what he is losing out on and what you have to offer. Look at as his loss not yours. Because truly that is what it is. You are wonderful and have a lot to offer someone and if he is too silly to see that than it's his loss because someone will come along one day that will have absolutely no doubt and love completely 100 % and nothing else could change their feelings. Good luck. Stay strong. Remember give them space. They dont' know what they've got till it's gone. SO BE GONE! YOU TOO SID!!!! STAY STRONG! You deserve it!

[sid3]

I'd say driblizand dreamguy have you and I alot of good advice and some of the most positive support. Your right. Until your gone they don't realize what they had. I have been rationalizing that she does know what it's like to have me gone because I haven't seen her. But what your talking about is entirely different. And I am reinforcing that in my mind, just because I'm not around, my reminders of love and my hope have been. Listen to them Kate, they know. Besides sounds like your doing pretty good. I made the mistake of telling her I wanted to wait, your far better of because you said you wouldn't. Hope things go well, if I can do the N/C ,I know it'll be a piece of cake for you!

[b18bme]

dribliz you really just helped me out a ton. I really wondered what it was like coming from the other person point of view... the one needing space. Thats why I wrote my girl a letter, that said I was scared at firt but realize that this is what needs to happen. I told her that if you love something let it go, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn' t then it never was. So I was finally gonna let go. I told her that I was confident that thing between us were gonna work out and I told her that this is a really good thing cuz it is showing me what I need to do different for when and if we do get back together, to treat me and her right in the relationship. I am starting to feel much better today, but tomorrow may be a different story.

[Good2Go]

No contact is easier than losing self respect. I wouldn't beg a woman back regardless of how I felt about her. It isn't going to make the pain any better. Ignore her, that's what works.

[dreamguy]

dribliz I liked your post, sounds like we have another fighter in here.

"Keep yourself busy and remember what he is losing out on and what you have to offer. Look at as his loss not yours. Because truly that is what it is."

Excellent point of view ! One of the biggest mistakes we all make when we're dumped is to think the problem lies within us (not the other person or perhaps both of us). This always brings you down, deeper and deeper into depression. Depression can blind you, just like love can and usually does. The longer you remain in a state of depression the harder it becomes to get out of it.

So I say STOP and think for a second !

Weren't you offering good things in this relationship ? Of course you were, and just because you're not the one who decided to walk away doesn't mean that you're worthless !!! In fact, I'll tell you what happened with me on the last day I saw my ex. She looked depressed although she was trying to hide it and then she said "I'm relaxed now but I'm NOT happy." Then, a few minutes later, she gave me that line that totally blew me off ! She said "When I'm with you I feel inferior". If you guys read my previous reply to Kate in this post you'll notice how I talked about my ex, I said "She's not ambitious about life and barely has a business plan and is always broke... and didn't go to college...". But damn ! To think that she actually had to come out and say "I feel inferior" ! I was really speechless.

Now what does this tell you ? It shows that if I had to follow the same logic we all normally have, I'd dive into depression and think she left me because I'm not good enough for her. When one of the main reasons why she left me is because the difference (in education, character, job status, etc...) between us scared the hell out of her although I never ever made any reference to those things during our time together.

So this goes to anyone who's feeling down because they were dumped. Sometimes people dump you because they feel so inferior to you in some ways and, after trying to control you to feel good about themselves, they realize they can't do it. They are left with no choice but to attempt an emotional turmoil as a last desperate act in the hope it will be enough to knock off your balance.

When they do, two things can happen.

1) You start running after them and they'll usually get rid of you because you're no longer a challenge and they now that the timing is perfect since (if they dump you at that specific moment) you will always remember them as superior, as someone who had the upper hand in the relationship !

2) You let them go and you opt for the "no contact" process. Then, it often backfires on them, and instead of feeling superior they plunge into their "inferiority" feeling. They lose grip ! So they start calling you again because, as my signature at the end of all my messages says: "They will feel that only by scoring with you can their self confidence be restored". Don't give them that luxury ! At least, if you care for them so much, give it back to them in very very small, well separated doses until you can be sure they are back because they authentically care for you and not because they want to get control once more ! I once bought a book by David de Angelo on the internet and somewhere inside it says: "Give Them The Gift Of Missing You !!" I love this line because the "no contact" process gives them just that !

 

And by the way, Sid, if you keep on replying to help people and if you keep on having this positive attitude then I think we'll soon have another fighter on this forum as well.

[Caveman]

Maybe I'm a retard or just a neanderthal, but I think NC is a load of crap...If you llike someone, you want to be with them. If you love them, you have to be with them.

 

I think NC is just a lame and cowardly way to break up...just like the "I need a break" line.

[sid3]

I have to disagree, I don't think your a retard. Although I think the I need a break is a bunch of crap, for some people they want to see what it is like to not have you in their life and see if the grass is greener. My ex was wanting some space to work on herself. I know for a fact had I not pushed I'd be with her right now. As for the no contact, I hate that as well, but without it she'll never know if there are always reminders.

 

Give them the gift of missing you

 

Good point. And if it turns out that it is actually the gift of never hearing from you again, someday you'll thank them!