b18bme Posted June 9, 2004 Posted June 9, 2004 Well my girl gave me the "I need some space" story about three weeks ago. I being stupid did not give her all the space she needed. Two days ago she finally spit out that she does not want to be in a serious relationship anymore. After 1.5 years that was very hard to hear. It has been 2 days since we talked and I want to call her so bad, or even just a text message. She invited me to her graduation party on friday and I told her I would go. I think it may be the last time I ever see her or talk to her. I just don't know how I am gonna survive without her. She was with me everyday for the past 1.5 years, and it feels like I am loosing my best friend. It seems as though it is not really having an affect on her. She goes out and parties and hangs out with other guys. Could it be because I have not really left her alone so she does not feel like she has lost me yet? Will it hit her one day and she will feel like I do? I just want to talk with her so bad, just one more kiss, just hold her hand again, put my arms around her and feel her body close to mine. I know I will never get to do any of these things again, or is it possible that one day we might get back together after she realized what has happened and realized I was a great guy with a lot to offer? I need some help with all of this it just hurts so so so so so BAD!
Kate Posted June 9, 2004 Posted June 9, 2004 I can promise you this -- if you DO leave her alone, you WILL hear from her. Please read my post I recently put up about my best friend who I dated and then left me high and dry...read the update at the end. He told me one week ago today it was over and he needed space. It was horrible...I cried all day, didn't leave my couch for 3 days, but then I was mad at myself because I started thinking about how much I have to offer. I KNEW deep down that I have so much, but I was smothering my boyfriend. When you smother, they CAN'T see what is in front of them...it's like if fogs the truth...don't fog up her lenses. Don't call her, read powerful books, stay on this computer here (that helps) and I PROMISE you JUST when you stop thinking about her for even a second, she will contact you. You don't have to lie and say you feel the same, but sound totally focused on yourself, how happy YOU are with YOu, and tell her you know she needs space...but ONLY if she contacts you!!! Contacting someone when they say "goodbye" or "go away" is like picking a scab. Just as it's about to heal, it starts bleeding again. I promise, that scab WILL heal...and you will have the answer what you want...you can't make her want to be with you, but you can clear her vision so that you know whether or not she really wants to even think about it. As long as you stand in front of her, she WILL NOT KNOW. The only way for you to know is to stay AWAY. I think you will be pleasantly suprised if you follow this advice!! DO NOT go to her graduation party. Or at least wait until she calls you and wants you to go -- if you feel you HAVE to, go for like an hour to be nice. Go with a friend, then LEAVE. Have FAITH. The longer you don't contact her, the better and better your chances get. And don't answer her calls -- SHE called it off!
BrotherD Posted June 9, 2004 Posted June 9, 2004 Kate Enjoyed your post. Especially the scab analogy. Thanks for your perspective. It was much appreciated.
sid3 Posted June 9, 2004 Posted June 9, 2004 I think your right, the longer you go with no contact the better your chances of her contacting you. I speak from experience, I stayed and acted too needy, she became aware that she wasn't going to loose me. Don't give someone else too much control over you. now if I can only follow my own advice, good luck!
Anguish Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 Listen to what Kate is saying!!! This is VERY important. When you feel like you can't not make contact, force yourself, and then force yourself some more. Before you know it, it will be second nature. And who knows, maybe after it becomes second nature, you won't care if she calls or not...
uriel Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 Kate's right. And please don't go to this girl's graduation party. That sends the WRONG message. Let her see you having fun at someone else's. -- uriel
Kate Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 by the way, people can surprise you for sure. last night i met with my "guy" and we had a long talk after 1 week of no contact. i brought a list of topics and we had a nice meeting together as friends/whatever else we are. i found out that he has wanted a relationship with me for years, but was too afraid to break it off with his ex 2 years ago cause i lived 2000 miles away. when i moved back, it so happened they had broken up, blaa bla bla...what i am saying is this : he told me he has always wanted me and still does. but doesn't have the energy to give me what he wants to. he said it's the most frustrating feeling in the world -- and i have been through this once before, so i know he is speaking the complete truth to me. the most frustrating feeling in the world, he said, is wanting what is right in front of you but not having the means to get it. (me). just because people want something doesnt mean they can have it. that's when you have to back off so they can be capable of treating you properly. you can say "it's not fair, waaa waaa.." all you want, cause i did that -- but the fact of the matter is that if you leave people alone...and pretend you are all alone in the world and focus on yourself...they can see clearer. i don't know if your ex is or was going through something, but i can promise you this -- whatever it was, you can speed up the process by NOT CONTACTING HER AT ALL!! this is not mean, you may feel you are playing games, but you are not. you are taking care of #1. why the hell would she respect someone who couldn't take care of themselves?? no matter how much she cares, that's the reason she ended it in the first place. don't give her another reason to seal the lid on it. then, after you have done all this, and she STILL doesn't come back, you have your answer!!! i promise, you will no longer be feeling sorry for yourself, nothing -- because guess waht?? you will have your SELF back. that's what i did and I feel GREAT. i still get weak at moments daily, have rambling scary thoughts that make me want to pick up the phone, but remind yourself please that all of thouse crazy thoughts are simply illusions to destroy you. that is the weak side of your human nature taking over. don't let it. what you need right now is control, and you can only attain that by severing all ties. if you continue, you will get back together and it will still be weak, just waiting to break. make a clean break...and bone fracture is always worse than a bone break...think about that analogy...why do people hope it's a break and not a fracture?? it's the same in both of our cases. i realize now at this moment that if i eve rever hope of things working out CORRECTLY, i need to totally pull out of this thing and look at it as friends and what HE needs. i know for a fact if I hold out long enough...keep MY options open, etc., that we will both generate such a huge mutual respect for one another. keep it broken until you are in a position of STRENGTH. you are NOT right now. and if you talk every day, a week of no contact is NOTHINg...it will SEEM like eternity, which is good, because perhaps the healing can speed up. do NOT let her try to get back into your life in any way. show some freaking respect for yourself and stop being such a pansy because "you love her". you need her to love you. and she will not if you chase her. women need a strong man who will not cave. hit me back with an update.
Author b18bme Posted June 10, 2004 Author Posted June 10, 2004 I sent her a text message last night that read "Yay, Its official. I am so proud of you. I hope you didn't trip down the walkway he he he. You really are a star". I sent this because last night is when she walked for her graduation. She wrote me back 6 hours later at 3:30 in the mourning saying" Thanks for the message talk to you later. At first I was really pist when she didn't even right and say thanks but when I got the message it felt good to know that she got it and was thankfull for it. I have to go to her graduation party. I am going to go wearing some clothes that make me look really good, and have a smile on my face, and act like I am doing just fine. I also want to talk to her mom and tell her thanks for all of her hospatality, and trusting her daughter with me, she was really good to me and I want to give her a hug and let her know how I feel. I want to look really good and seem just fine I think she will see she is gonna loose an awesome guy. After the party I will not contact her at all untill she contacts me, if she ever does. I just want to leave one last impression with her of me being happy and looking great.
Kate Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 that's ok i suppose...you know hwat's right...just LEAVE her with that impression...for good!!! please! she will crawl back, give yourself a 2week time limit if you must.
Author b18bme Posted June 10, 2004 Author Posted June 10, 2004 What do you mean give a 2 week time period? I feel better and then worse. Its like a rollercoaster I cant make up my mind on how to feel. It sucks really bad. It is really hitting me hard right now and just an hour ago I was fine. I just can't even express in words how I feel. HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!
Kate Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 ok listen. welcome to my world, too. day to day i feel sad...then angry...then sweet and just want him back...then angry...blahblah...THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO BE AWAY FROM HER. after a certain amount of time, everthing becomes clear...for you AND her. this is what she needs to want you back. just do it if you want her. go into soldier mode and believe in yourself. this sounds stupid i know but remember how it works -- you leave her alone, she will come to you. stop analyzing (i did it all day too) it sucks and makes no sense. look at the bottom line unemotionally. NO CONTACT. i fi were you, i would find ANY excuse not to go to the party. you are being weak and pretending you want to "thank her mother" whatever else. forget it!!! suck it up this is part of life you must go through. hard as it is, freaking relax and grip your manhood. i know she would be hurt, possi bly, but you need to be as creative as you can here. YOU CAN DO IT -- i am and I NEVER thought I would. JUST GIVE HER SPACE and she'll come to you. right now all i want to do is call my guy and ask him to see me...and hang out like old times...but i bet you when i leave work at 6pm and I don't call him and wait till 7pm, he'll see I didn't...and probably call me tonight or tomorrow night...it's just the way it works...they want to see if you are strong enough to RESPECT their space. i know it sounds wierd (respect??what about me????)but that's the way it is. hit me back
Author b18bme Posted June 10, 2004 Author Posted June 10, 2004 I just called her and now I feel really crappy. She is going to a party tonight and I just don't know what I am doing I cant beleive I called her I am feeling so much worse after. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.
Author b18bme Posted June 12, 2004 Author Posted June 12, 2004 Well i went to her party and it was ok. She looked really good and happy so I am happy for her. I took her a dozen pink roses and said congrats. I also took her mom a dozen yellow roses and I thanked her for all of her hospitality and trusting her daughter with me for the past 1.5 years. It was kinda awkward being there with her family and everything as they watched me hand the roses to my ex's mom. I was nervous and shaking. As I was leaving I gave her mom a really big hug and told her I don't know if I will ever see you again but I am really thankfull for everything. Dayna my ex heard me say that and she butted in with a "Whatever Austin you will to". I had Dayna walk me out to my car and I gave her a kiss on the cheek and a really big hug. She told me that this is what her mom said after the roses "He was so nice it is just really sad to see him like that". I said sorry for making her mom sad those were not my intentions. I left my last impression with the family and I hope it was a good one. I am gonna miss it all so much. Do you think the roses was a good or bad Idea????????? How do I get over my first love???? How do I make all of this pain stop???
jeff2705 Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 Someone please help me with this . . I had a 10 yr relationship with a girl that was very loving and intense, and we wound up going our separate ways about 4 yrs ago. I was very hearbroken when we broke up, but have recovered. She contacted me recently and has told me the following: She has another guy. She wants me as a "freind". They may break up, and wants to re-establish the freindship we had. She wants nothing physical right now, not even freindly hand-holding, etc. She talks about how she is unhappy, but tells me about instances where it seems to me that she is very happy! She is not guaranteeing anything, but wants to see if we still have a "connection". She is not loving in any way, not even in her manner of speaking. Talks to me like I'm one of her "girlfreinds", for lack of a better term. I cannot be just a "freind" to her, and I told her that, and she thinks I am being selfish. I do not want to go through the pain I did when we first broke up. Should I run for the hills, or see if she really wants more? She has always been my dream girl, and I have missed her terribly and always hoped she would come back. What should I do?
uriel Posted June 13, 2004 Posted June 13, 2004 Jeff2705, You're absolutely right in telling her you don't want to just be friends -- especially since you have feelings for her, she left you, and she's with someone else. She's not being fair to her current partner, even if she would act just like friends with you. She's not being fair to you. Her behavior here is incredibly selfish. Effectively, she's telling you she'd like to use you as the back-up guy, except that there's no promise that she'll even be interested if things with her current guy fall apart. Your being there for her would just be a convience from her perspective -- and turn you into a big patsy. No woman wants the big patsy. Believe me -- if she were crazy for you, she'd dump this other guy and get together with you. Sorry -- she still doesn't return your feelings. Tell her no more contact and get back on with your life. -- uriel
Caveman Posted June 13, 2004 Posted June 13, 2004 Don't tell her anything. Block her calls...that will drive her nuts.
Author b18bme Posted June 13, 2004 Author Posted June 13, 2004 I am really not making it guys I am having the hardest time she meant so much. I just dont think I can handle all of these feelings for very much longer. I feel like I am going to explode. Please someone help!
sid3 Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Your not alone. Many others are going through some pretty hard times. I am, the worst in fact. Sick of hearing love's a risk, not fair and all. It has become obvious enough, don't need to be reminded. The previous post suggested blocking her calls,it would drive her nuts. It's true, my ex blocked my calls and it drove me nuts, literally mad, very hurtful.
BlueRaincoat Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Originally posted by b18bme I am really not making it guys I am having the hardest time she meant so much. I just dont think I can handle all of these feelings for very much longer. I feel like I am going to explode. Please someone help! I am in the same sorta situation you are in. It is now coming up on the third day of me not trying to contact my boyfriend (now ex) of over three and a half years. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life although so many crappy things have happened to me. I'm here if you need someone to talk to, man. It sucks!
secondstage2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Originally posted by b18bme I am really not making it guys I am having the hardest time she meant so much. I just dont think I can handle all of these feelings for very much longer. I feel like I am going to explode. Please someone help! Hang tough, my friend. You'll pull thru. Trust me... I was in the exact same situation as you are 3 months ago. My girlfriend of 1 year dumped me because she thinks I wasn't good enough for her. The weeks that followed were a major rollercoaster ride for me. Intense feelings of low self-esteem, anger, self-pity, wanting to win her back, and hundreds of other ugly thoughts came to my mind. I had to fight all of these off, and I honestly would say the battle happening within me wasn't easy. Later, I then I found out that no contact policy is the best solution there is out there to mend a broken heart. Well, she didn't contact me back. However, I am happy to say that I have met a very, very nice girl since I moved on with my life. My new girl is so much better than my ex. She loves me deeply for who I am. I am very happy where I am right now, and I trust that the same thing will happen for you in the future. Just believe it would. If you contact her, she will cause you more agony than you can ever imagine. I have been there so you can say I am speaking from experience. No contact is the not only the best way, it is the only way.
Author b18bme Posted June 14, 2004 Author Posted June 14, 2004 I called my ex to talk about nothing and anything and she seemed really bothered. I asked her what was wrong and if I was bothering her. She said sometimes. I asked when and she said well when you tell me you want to change and become a better person and how sorry you are for being the way you were. I will admit I said some really mean things sometimes and was very down on life for awhile. I just had so much stress and she was the only one there to have to listen and take my crap. I wish so bad I could take back some of the things I said back then. I told her I have been thinking of so much and I know that was not me back then. I was lost for awhile and treated everybody pretty bad. I told her that loosing her has made me realize so much and I will never be that mean person again. She said people dont change and you wont change. That really bothered me because she does not believe in me anymore. I told her that I have never lied and never given her a reason not to trust me. I can and will change. I also said that it sometimes takes a huge event in someones live to realize what they are doing and its kinda like a reality check. I know I dont wanna be that person anymore and I wont let myself. She said, Then maybe you can be a better person for your next relationship. I said you are damn right I am gonna be a better person and if you give me a chance I will treat you so good like it was in the beggining. She said "well just leave me alone for awhile and stop trying so hard to change my mind, it feels like you are trying to make me feel like I am doing something wrong and I am not." I told her that her wish was my command and I would leave her alone, but she had to have faith in me and believe that I can be so much of a better person. The last thing she said was "I do have faith, but we are not getting back together yet". Well after are conversation I broke down and cried for a long time. I hated everything and felt like there was no way to escape the pain. I had to go through and feel sorrow or I will never know what happiness is. I feel like I am so alone and feel like I am shrinking up and withering away. I know I was such a mean person and she was always so good to me. I will never be that mean person again. I just can't believe I was and I hate myself for it. I think I am gonna go see a doctor. I am so deppressed I just don't wanna do anything stupid to myself that I will regret later. I am truly not happy and the feelings just keep getting worse and worse. I have no choice. I have to have not contact or I will end up making an enemy of the person I love so much. I just cant believe it has come down to this.
BlueRaincoat Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Originally posted by b18bme I have no choice. I have to have not contact or I will end up making an enemy of the person I love so much. I just cant believe it has come down to this. Exactly. You seriously need to stop calling her. When she wants to talk to you, she will call. Until then, if it ever happens, you have to find other things to do to get your mind off of this person. Try to stay busy!
Kate Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 i have told you from the start to stop contacting her. i wish to God i could take my own damn advice. friday night, after 2 days of no contact to see if things would work themselves out, i called him drunk...we fought because i started it and it was worse than the day before. why would a person want to give someone that kind of control? because we are desperate to have that security back. but, it's soooo stupid. this guy has not done half of what i have done for him, why would i give him that power of me calling him? when i didn't call him, i got calls a week later. then when i did, things were horrible. turns out i am deeply angry with him for the way he treated/didn't treat me. what did you "do" to your girlfriend?? my guy took me for granted and i did everything for him emotionally and otherwise....i was unconditional....and he was only happy when there was nothing nothing nothing negative to deal with..that's not life. maybe she is angry with you? if she is the one breaking it off with you, like my guy, dont call her. i sent him an email today saying not to contact me again....very nicely put, though. i know deep down i was too good to him and probably too good for him and i lost my self-respect. and it is HIM calling the shots? not fair. DO NOT CALL HER if you want to see things clearly. i am going to have to do my BEST not to call him or pick up his calls or call to see if he got the mail i sent him today. if you can do it, i can....and vice versa....just try....i'm going to. you should write a notecard as to WHY you should not be with this person...write all of the negative things and reference it constantly. i know your heart hearts, but you hneed to use your head now. i think i will take my advice and not look back, write that notecard. sickly neough, i know that if he called and said he watned things back and would try harder i would take yhim. now i have to avoid him so i can avoid that happening...i already let it slip once last week when i wnet almost a week wi/out aaccepting his calles....then i got drunk and broke down by responding to his texts and telling him to come ot my yhouse that night when we were both drunk....badbadbad...and dont' take your cell out w/you at night, either!!!! hide it until you are sober, if you drihnk. that's whay i need to do. sooner or later, if you have a good heart, they will see it and be sorry. if you were good to her, there is no reason she wills tay away. maybe she is just tyring to contorl you. younger girls DO do that, though not to generalize.
Author b18bme Posted June 15, 2004 Author Posted June 15, 2004 I don't understand why God made feelings like the ones I am having. I want to talk to somebody but I cant say what I want to say. I feel like I cannot escape the pain and it is so intense. I will be strong and will not contact her. I hope she will contact me someday again. I hope I did not make her hate me. I guess only time can heal the feelings of pain.
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