Dear Men, how do you show your love for a woman?

March 13, 2012

#1. Massaging her feet until she falls asleep on the couch.

Response: "I think you have a foot fetish."

I neglected #2 and will provide an anecdote about someone who has me figured out which can illustrate. She'll often surprise me with a simple and inexpensive food item, something that is a bit of a 'secret' between us that is a holdover from when we were both children, and she'll give me a hug and a kiss and tell me she loves me. That's it.

March 13, 2012

Massaging her feet until she falls asleep on the couch.

You do that?

You have a foot fetish!

March 13, 2012

And yet, somehow, the voice sounds so familiar.....

I remember one time, being totally clueless, picking the pink package because I thought, hey, pink must mean 'girl'. Turns out I picked right, but my logic was totally whacked. Interesting the little things one remembers. Life's in the details. Ooh, there's another #2. Remembering the little things.

March 13, 2012

My H shows his love by considering me every day. Did I get a chance to work out? Did I get coffee yet this morning? Does my car need gas? Little, daily considerations like that. There are bigger things he does, but these are the things that make me feel most loved.

He likes to be shown love through 1. sex, and 2. food. Luckily, I do my best work in the bedroom and the kitchen

March 13, 2012

I am showing her my love by letting her go.

March 13, 2012

My boyfriend does the whole nine yards of what you listed. He's a lot more "romantic" than I am in general. Knowing that *he's* a romantic, I've raised the bar sometimes to try to go out of my way to conceive of something he might find romantic, and he really appreciates this. That's part of our team-work dynamic.

Another thing he does: I love ballroom dancing. Dressing up and going out all night. Him... not so much. But every few months, he dons the tux and we go out. We've even taken lessens. ALL for me. THAT means a lot to me. (In compromising, I go to car racing events with him... and wear all the racing team memorabilia he wants me to, and cheer alongside him. I'm really not into racing. But either way, we have a good time, and for me the give and take is all the romance I need.)

In general, I would say base it off of what you're comfortable with, how you like to show affection, and also on what she likes. If you don't know, try a few things and see what results you get. Generally, she'll let you know when you're doing what she really likes (yay positive feedback).

For me, the most profound thing my boyfriend has ever done for me, he did within the first month of us seeing eachother, before we became "official". I had huge trust issues... huge... and he approached me with the attitude of very much "I know you're not going to trust me easily" and "I'm going to show you that you absolutely can trust me not to hide anything." Even on our first dates he poured his life story to me. Showed me photos of all of his friends. Told me all of the most embarrassing stories of his teenage years and dating mishaps. As things progressed, he even saved his login information onto my computer for his email. I'd been hurt pretty bad, and even without me exactly telling him all of what had gone down, he pretty much hit everything perfectly to build up my trust. (I never asked for any of this, and I was mortified by the email thing and later got rid of his password because I felt uncomfortable having access to his private email). But it was still a great gesture, because he very clearly showed himself to be not only interested, but understanding and willing to go the 10 miles to prove it to me.

While I don't know how romantic that seems to anyone, it wasn't romantic to me but kind of weird, but in hindsight, I can say it was the most amazing thing he could have done.

Moral of the story: anything that shows her you really care works, and it doesn't have to be overly physical or flowery.

March 13, 2012

Dear Men, how do you show your love for a woman?

My guy is actually very romantic

I can tell you how my man does it

My H shows his love by..

My boyfriend does the whole nine yards

March 13, 2012

Hahahahahah!

I think Ariadne's response means: we asked the wolves - not the sheep - how do you like your lamb chops?

*** EVERYBODY PLEASE LISTEN:*** My goal was to hear how men feel they show their love. And I was looking for spontaneous and instinctive signs - e.g. like a mother checks her baby at night not because she wants to *show* the baby she loves it, but because she simply loves her baby and this is how she is putting her love into action.

Also, anything a man does in the first few months of a relationship should not be regarded as a sign of LOVE. Your new boyfriend may fix your car on the third date, but will he take care of you if you became disabled on the third date? I was talking about real love. Not attraction or infatuation... catching a flounder for the mate type of thing.

March 13, 2012

That's a beautiful answer, Tman. Thank you! So, what if there are infractions in the woman's trust in you and respect for you? Would it be possible to re-build the special feeling of mutual trust and respect?

I suppose anything is possible, but this would be individual in nature. I think that people can and have rebuilt despite terrible breaches in trust if they both want to. I can guess that it would take time and persistence on the part of both parties.

March 13, 2012

I think this really depends on the individual person and their love language, rather than gender.

March 13, 2012

I think this really depends on the individual person and their love language, rather than gender.

My love language. I would spend time with her and do things for her to make her life easier. Like prepping the food for her, buying the right stuff, fill her car up with gas, washing the car, cleaning the bathrooms, talking and listening to her (not the yes honey, whatever honey type), walking HER dog when she has work stuff. Hearing the inflection in her voice and then preparing the night, I mean bath tub, for her.

:lmao:

The can't get my hands off of her is a side effect.

I'll even wear a button, t-shirt, pink or red to support her causes.

I'll take her call when she calls, respond to her emails/texts ASAP. I'll take the call while in the bathroom. BTW, I don't take calls from anyone, including parents, clients, or managers; when I'm in dispose.

I took my friend's kids out for a walk, they don't have separation anxiety or maybe I'm just a great uncle?

When a man treats a woman like a lady, it's precisely then when he treats her most as a sex object, i.e. he does it for the purpose of getting sex. When he truly loves, he does things that are less romantic and more meaningful.

At the end of the day, it is sex, companionship, sex, kids, sex, passing genes on, sex, love, sex, companionship, sharing life's twists, sex, and of course

:bunny:

:bunny:.

Isn't that, in fact, the definition of romantic: Doing something meaningless under the color of love? Like take a piece of napkin and shape it into a heart and give it to a woman - she'll give you credit for being romantic.

I plan on learning to do the towel folding thing on cruise ships! Make the elephant so it'll be the elephant in the room.

Women want men to be the same as they were at the very beginning of the dating phase - which is when they didn't love them yet, when they were thinking of the woman as a "great lay!" We nagged "If you loved me, you would want to marry me" but somehow them marrying us meant absolutely nothing after the wedding day.

That is hard because everyone some what mellows a bit. My friends who did what they did in the beginning of the dating phase; they did things to impress not "maintence" stuff. They wanted to fill the love bank. Once you win them over, sometimes life changes; kids take some time away, empty nest, the weather, finances, job, whatever changes the dynamics over time.

Urgh... I am just pissed at woman's nature and all the mistakes we make.

Maybe?

March 13, 2012

Ok, well my boyfriend is not into romance and soppy stuff, so here are the real, digging deap things, he has done out of love for me:

- I had come out of social isolation, and had no friends in the area. When he was going to have a boys day out on his boat with his mates, he knew I did not want to be alone all day, and so he brought me along with him, even though he knew his mates would think he was being " pussy whipped" as they folkes call it down here.

I was with him every day, too. But, he sensed I needed him to be with me during this difficult time.

- He told me that if I became paralyzed, that he would look after me. I am not sure if he would stay with me for long romantically, but he did say he woulds tick by me and look after me.

So, yes, he basically told me that he would look after me if I fell ill, and would stick by me.

Also - he often finds me " cute" and the things I say to be " cute", and often, he will go " awww" after I say something. Not to show me he loves me, but out of his own conviction.

- I left my wallet at his place recently, and he said that when he went through it, as I asked him to in order to seek out a bank card, he saw NO money, besides a few cents, and he said he went " awwww".. cosz he felt so sad that I am having hard financial times right now..

He said the wallet thing nearly brought a tear to his eye. LoL, thinking of his silly girl, with moths flying out of her wallet hahaa...

MOre so then anything, his shiows his love, through his reactions to me, I would say: from going " aww" out loud when I am cute to him, and other times, I also come across as very blonde...

I am very ditzy at times... and he cannot hide his smile and the way he laughs at me when I do or say silly things, shows me he loves me, based on the way he looks when he does it ( it is different to when he laughs at, say, a comedian)

He seldom does the romance crap, as we both find it to be sappy, but when he feels close to me, he will go pick a flower.

March 14, 2012

- He told me that if I became paralyzed, that he would look after me.

Sorry to be cynical, but saying he would and actually doing it are two very different things.

he saw NO money, besides a few cents, and he said he went " awwww".. cosz he felt so sad that I am having hard financial times right now..
He said the wallet thing nearly brought a tear to his eye. LoL, thinking of his silly girl, with moths flying out of her wallet hahaa...

See, this is exactly what I don't respect in a man. If he were a real man, he would've offered to help you, not told you it "nearly brought a tear to his eye." Would your (God forbid) disability also nearly bring a tear to his eye?

Sorry for sounding negative - I really apologize - but I just have to make my point: we women need to discern the stuff that have real value from the fluff - "the oak vs. gloss," as Tman titled it.

When we think of our parents' love, we don't talk about the occasional cute notes or compliments we got from them - we talk about the great support, comfort, and most of all, sacrifice that our parents have given us.

March 14, 2012

Sorry for sounding negative - I really apologize - but I just have to make my point: we women need to discern the stuff that have real value from the fluff - "the oak vs. gloss," as Tman titled it.

When we think of our parents' love, we don't talk about the occasional cute notes or compliments we got from them - we talk about the great support, comfort, and most of all, sacrifice that our parents have given us.

I agree with you.

Occasional gestures, gifts, etc mean little if the daily norm is disregard.

That's why the most important demonstration of love, to me, are the daily acts of consideration: coming home early so that I can get a work out in, making my coffee while I struggle to wake up, taking my car to fuel up every week, day in, day out, year in, year out.

That's what to look for in a partner, and it should be mutual! (maybe not the same stuff, but he could write a list of the ways I consider him daily, too)

March 14, 2012

I agree with you.

Occasional gestures, gifts, etc mean little if the daily norm is disregard.

That's why the most important demonstration of love, to me, are the daily acts of consideration: coming home early so that I can get a work out in, making my coffee while I struggle to wake up, taking my car to fuel up every week, day in, day out, year in, year out.

That's what to look for in a partner, and it should be mutual! (maybe not the same stuff, but he could write a list of the ways I consider him daily, too)

I agree with that. Your husband changing diapers while you're making dinner = 10 points. Your boyfriend of 5 weeks chaning diapers while you're making dinner - maybe he's a keeper, but maybe he's just hoping for a thorough blow job later.

March 14, 2012

..

*** EVERYBODY PLEASE LISTEN:*** My goal was to hear how men feel they show their love. And I was looking for spontaneous and instinctive signs - e.g. like a mother checks her baby at night not because she wants to *show* the baby she loves it, but because she simply loves her baby and this is how she is putting her love into action.

Also, anything a man does in the first few months of a relationship should not be regarded as a sign of LOVE. Your new boyfriend may fix your car on the third date, but will he take care of you if you became disabled on the third date? I was talking about real love. Not attraction or infatuation... catching a flounder for the mate type of thing.

Did my post not qualify?

I show it by trusting and supporting her (in addition to the other affections mentioned by the OP.) I've had difficulty with women not being ready for such trust and support because they in the past don't trust or can't trust. ...I assert that two people whom have wanted and now have each other, have to then risk loss of each other by trusting each other to have separate lives and separate interests. This keeps people from becoming co-dependent which often ruins a relationship, and if you're really fortunate it reveals loyalty that is extraordinarily validating. I haven't been lucky in my relationships to get to the point where all this can work. I've gotten mostly damaged goods who just aren't up to partnering with me on the levels I believe make it a lasting love.

Other than that I always try to establish that I'm one steady identity that doe not change rules from mood to mood. I take responsibility not to have "moods" (or at least bad ones). I have grown a bit resigned to the likelihood that I will probably be a bachelor forever. I don't want to be and I hope not.

We live in a society totally negelectful of social and emotional development and thus both partners often have trouble understanding that trust has a dynamic which is counterintuitive. I don't know anyone who trusts and therefore understands my tust in them. But if I love someone I don't even consider that they may betray me. It hurts when I find I've been wrong yet again.

March 14, 2012

Did my post not qualify?

Who said it didn't?

We live in a society totally negelectful of social and emotional development

I'm not sure I agree with this, at least not that it's "totally" neglectful...

March 14, 2012

I agree with that. Your husband changing diapers while you're making dinner = 10 points. Your boyfriend of 5 weeks chaning diapers while you're making dinner - maybe he's a keeper, but maybe he's just hoping for a thorough blow job later.

That's it!

March 14, 2012

Who said it didn't?

I'm not sure I agree with this, at least not that it's "totally" neglectful...

Sure it is. How much time did your school spend on social development and emotional development? They may have "taught something" about it to some people in some classes, but the is no societal imperative to achieve social and emotional development by reforming education to make interaction between students and between students and their families a formal developmental model. We go though an education machine that centers on test-passing and the job of development is deemed done. Many people don't even remember the knowledge very long after and have never had their motivations for learning or living addressed. If there is any social and emotional development, it is the province of very few talented folks who rise on their own volition to help this happen but it's a mostly miss and haphazardly hit proposition.

PS: I didn't mean to imply you said my original post didn't qualify. I was just wondering if it did because you made your statement and I got no sense from anyone else if what I said qualified for what you were looking for.

Edited March 14, 2012 by Feelin Frisky

March 14, 2012

Sure it is. How much time did your school spend on social development and emotional development? They may have "taught something" about it to some people in some classes, but the is no societal imperative to achieve social and emotional development by reforming education to make interaction between students and between students and their families a formal developmental model. We go though an education machine that centers on test-passing and the job of development is deemed done. Many people don't even remember the knowledge very long after and have never had their motivations for learning or living addressed. If there is any social and emotional development, it is the province of very few talented folks who rise on their own volition to help this happen but it's a mostly miss and haphazardly hit proposition.

So very and sadly true. And something we need to work on in our schooling and formal education. Most educators are trained in the basic importance of social and emotional development and many truly want to, but it is secondary to meeting academic goals and often falls by the wayside. It's just not a priority in our country/culture, sadly.

March 14, 2012

I agree with you.

Occasional gestures, gifts, etc mean little if the daily norm is disregard.

That's why the most important demonstration of love, to me, are the daily acts of consideration: coming home early so that I can get a work out in, making my coffee while I struggle to wake up, taking my car to fuel up every week, day in, day out, year in, year out.

That's what to look for in a partner, and it should be mutual! (maybe not the same stuff, but he could write a list of the ways I consider him daily, too)

I completely agree. I like the fact that the bf demonstrates love and care in pragmatic ways as well, more so than lavish gestures and big words. Those do have their place, I think - little things like birthday presents, surprise gifts, etc, but they certainly come in secondary to the more important things, like being able to depend on him when I'm sick, him freely offering to pay our bills because I'm a student, coming home faithfully everyday after work and spending time together, etc.

I agree with that. Your husband changing diapers while you're making dinner = 10 points. Your boyfriend of 5 weeks chaning diapers while you're making dinner - maybe he's a keeper, but maybe he's just hoping for a thorough blow job later.

Eh, I wouldn't be quite so cynical. My motive is be thankful for any help willingly offered, instead of probing for ulterior motives. If those are present, they'll rear their ugly head soon enough, and you'll know anyway.

Pun intended.

March 14, 2012

Sure it is. How much time did your school spend on social development and emotional development?

I absolutely agree social and, especially, emotional development should be learned, developed and practiced - great point, FF! I am not sure though schools are the right place for that, though. I don't think they'd be effective. But TV, the internet and literature on the topic should be widely available and advertised, because it's such an important element of happiness. What's available is unqualified unemployed people who give you secrets about relationships, while the psychologists and counselors dwell on your childhood drama and what's wrong and what's right in a relationship. As they say, you want to be right or you want to be married? People won't do things against their feelings just because somebody tells them it's the right thing to do. Maybe they will, but they'll resent it. If we know how to make people (precisely, our partners) happy, they'll make us happy in return. Everybody wins. Does this make any sense to you?

Eh, I wouldn't be quite so cynical. My motive is be thankful for any help willingly offered, instead of probing for ulterior motives.

I agree. However, the topic is not gratitude - but ways of showing TRUE LOVE. I help my clients at work pro bono and they're very grateful, but I don't do it because I truly love them as my romantic partners. This thread has a much more narrow subject than the subject of making this world a better place.

Edited March 14, 2012 by RecordProducer

March 15, 2012

It took me a while to learn to fully appreciate the small acts of true love. In my 20s, my poor H suffered through me occasionally whining about him not being romantic enough, or not doing x, y, or z enough--mostly stuff that I heard my friends talking about their boyfriends doing for them.

Through a process of age and experience, I noticed that those boyfriends doing all the "great" stuff were not such great boyfriends! And my guy, well, he's still here, loving me daily in his own steadfast way. Consider my eyes opened

March 15, 2012

I absolutely agree social and, especially, emotional development should be learned, developed and practiced - great point, FF! I am not sure though schools are the right place for that, though. I don't think they'd be effective. But TV, the internet and literature on the topic should be widely available and advertised, because it's such an important element of happiness. What's available is unqualified unemployed people who give you secrets about relationships, while the psychologists and counselors dwell on your childhood drama and what's wrong and what's right in a relationship. As they say, you want to be right or you want to be married? People won't do things against their feelings just because somebody tells them it's the right thing to do. Maybe they will, but they'll resent it. If we know how to make people (precisely, our partners) happy, they'll make us happy in return. Everybody wins. Does this make any sense to you?...

Yes indeed. And I'm always happy to engage on this because I have made it my personal crusade and the grounds for a new media "environment" where people can "put the horse of motivation before the cart of force-fed education and motivation by threat of consequence for non-compliance". You are right, schools as we know them are not the best place to try to integrate social and emotional development imperatives. But what if a visionary media environment that reflects all the current knowledge about how "neuroplasticity" really gives everyone the power to overcome intellectual challenge and formally creates social development cooperatives and a slew of reformed communications models that maximize the nature of digital media came along to fit in between education and transition into the real economy with "school" becoming looked at as just a support element of a full-spectrum human development environment? Would you choose the old dysfunctional way for your children or would you insist on addressing motivation and individual facilitation where knowledge takes a re-engineered role?

I have been trying to find a way to get funding for my media environment but it's tough without having artists and others talented folks putting the touches on my presentation that I don't have the talent or knowledge for myself. This is not "bong vision" for me that I cooked up one night in a state of stoneness--it has been a calling since I studied interface design at NYC' School of Visual Arts in the late 80's and worked as a journalist in the 90's in the UN. I have had brainstorms upon brainstorms about what's possible but the Internet has been a huge commercialized disappointment and I don't want my precious vision to just "fit in to it". I want it outside of this polluted box and with the front edge of digital capacity. I have patentable informatics and journalism constructs that could really put motivation and reason out in front of education and grow a super-culture of understanding that observes new standards of human development and a new way to not just teach but accomplish things like economics and make knowledge a by-product of accomplishment. I'm human too though and need love, so I'm here more often than I should be. Hope springs eternal for serendipity to find talent, funding and motivated people as well as someone who might care for me personally. That's a big job though and not everyone is up to that.

March 15, 2012

But what if a visionary media environment that reflects all the current knowledge about how "neuroplasticity" really gives everyone the power to overcome intellectual challenge and formally creates social development cooperatives and a slew of reformed communications models that maximize the nature of digital media came along to fit in between education and transition into the real economy with "school" becoming looked at as just a support element of a full-spectrum human development environment?

I am sure this sentence makes sense to YOU!

Please cut it into six sentences that comply with the rules of the English language.

Would you choose the old dysfunctional way for your children or would you insist on addressing motivation and individual facilitation where knowledge takes a re-engineered role?

I think primary education in the US is divided into two main categories: (1) good and (2) bad. My kids go to a blue ribbon school and they thrive and learn a lot of great stuff. Their fellow middle-schoolers from inner city - not so much.

I have patentable informatics and journalism constructs that could really put motivation and reason out in front of education and grow a super-culture of understanding that observes new standards of human development and a new way to not just teach but accomplish things like economics and make knowledge a by-product of accomplishment.

Every change requires hard work and sacrifice. The best way to promulgate your idea is to already be part of the system that needs to endorse your novel methods. For example, it's very easy for a judge or a politician to propose and draft changes in the law, because they have the resources, the connections, the staff, and most importantly, the authority. If you're a visual artist, people won't care about what you say about the law or education UNLESS you incorporate your own (perhaps non-profit) organization and pursue your cause. So, it would help if you were in the field of education (or whatever field you consider your product to belong to). Of course, if your patentable product is so close to fruition, you can just invest in it yourself: pay experts or learn to develop it yourself. Then promote it and look for sponsors/grants. Piece of cake, ain't it?

Edited March 15, 2012 by RecordProducer

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