My story

[wayward 99]

What is your problem? Do you find pleasure in picking apart posts to find weakness or failure?

[2sunny]

Have you done EVERYTHING in your power to make sure your husband KNOWS full well you're not still pining away for the other man?

[Funsize]

He should divorce you and you should have zero access to the kids. Someone with your morals, Or lack thereof shouldn't be raising children becaus you clearly can't teach them what is right or wrong.

 

Lets be honest. Every single one of your posts is an excuse. He did nothing wrong. You made vows to love and support and the moment it gets difficult you start resenting him for no reason. Then you cheat on him, hurt him, f*ck him around and do the same thing to another man in the process.

 

Now you've successfully broken your family, Ruined two men and ruined a relationship with your parents without accepting even 1% of the blame.

[jnj express]

Hey W99---I don't understand why you are still in this mge. Nor why you would consider even thinking about staying??

 

You and your H., have gone so far as to physically abuse each other---you obviously can't stand him, he doesn't like you----so why are you still married

 

Kids are NOT a reason to live in misery---as to your parents---they arn't living your life, and they are not in your shoes, and they arn't going thru what you are going thru, so why are they getting input. Plus your father has abused you---tell them to stay out of this---do it as nicely as possible, but do it

 

You don't trust your H., he obviously will never trust you---what is keeping you in this mge----COULD IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH FINANCES, Could it have anything to do with you having to face the big wide world alone---WHY are you still in this obviously farce of a mge.

 

As to your 4 yr. lover----one statistic you need to know---97% of affair hookups---FAIL.

[stillafool]

 

You don't trust your H., he obviously will never trust you---what is keeping you in this mge----COULD IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH FINANCES, Could it have anything to do with you having to face the big wide world alone---WHY are you still in this obviously farce of a mge.

 

 

This has got to be the reason because clearly if it were for the kids benefit the affairs never would have happened.

[SandieBeach]

He should divorce you and you should have zero access to the kids. Someone with your morals, Or lack thereof shouldn't be raising children becaus you clearly can't teach them what is right or wrong.

 

Lets be honest. Every single one of your posts is an excuse. He did nothing wrong. You made vows to love and support and the moment it gets difficult you start resenting him for no reason. Then you cheat on him, hurt him, f*ck him around and do the same thing to another man in the process.

 

Now you've successfully broken your family, Ruined two men and ruined a relationship with your parents without accepting even 1% of the blame.

 

I think that this is oversimplifying things. I had been cheated on, so I have a hard time defending a cheating spouse. BUT...I think that most marriages that result in an affair have problems. Of course, there are serial cheaters who can have a perfect spouse at home and still never be satisfied. I certainly hope my husband is not one of those people, because then we are doomed.

 

My husband and I had similar problems. He was often lying to me about the finances - most were small lies as we never had any financial problems, but it always starts with the small lies, right? I loved him very much during our marriage, but on a deeper level did not trust him, and because of our bad communication skills, we never talked about it. This just led to more problems, and at some point in our marriage, I almost cheated on him! I thank God that I did not do it, because I could not live with myself (what stopped me was the thought of hurting him, whereas my husband did not consider that at all).

 

All I am saying is that it does not sound Wayward's husband was a perfect angel who did nothing wrong, and she is accepting the blame - I see it in most of her posts. Whether or not their marriage can or should be repaired is one thing, but that it's solely her fault because she is an awful parent, wife, daughter, human being as you suggest is just too black and white.

[nofool4u]

What is your problem? Do you find pleasure in picking apart posts to find weakness or failure?

 

Hey, I treated you with kid gloves and even commended you on how you want to handle custody.

 

I can see now why people want to disown you.

[wayward 99]

can't stop with the personal attacks?

 

a wasteland of bitterness.

 

Thank you, sandiebeach. I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

 

Thank you for some good questions to ask myself, sunny2.

[nofool4u]

can't stop with the personal attacks?

 

a wasteland of bitterness.

 

Oh brother

[bentnotbroken]

Oh brother

 

 

IKR......:lmao:

[2sunny]

I haven't seen this much defending bad behavior here in years...

[wayward 99]

Listen, I am at step one of cleaning up my life and owning responsibility for destructive choices. I do not believe that poor choices have to define the rest of my life even if I pay (and others) the consequences of the past.

 

What I can control are my decisions NOW and I left IC tonight with a pretty clear head about what I need to do and continue doing.

 

I may have touched a raw nerve here but I don't think I deserve vicious personal assaults. I don't have the emotional energy for that type of toxicity.

 

I wish everyone here well and for anyone who read what I wrote and tried to offer me words in the spirit of helping, I thank you.

Edited March 16, 2012 by wayward 99

[Kidd]

Listen, I am at step one of cleaning up my life and owning responsibility for destructive choices. I do not believe that poor choices have to define the rest of my life even if I pay (and others) the consequences of the past.

 

What I can control are my decisions NOW and I left IC tonight with a pretty clear head about what I need to do and continue doing.

 

I may have touched a raw nerve here but I don't think I deserve vicious personal assaults. I don't have the emotional energy for that type of toxicity.

 

I wish everyone here well and for anyone who read what I wrote and tried to offer me words in the spirit of helping, I thank you.

 

You will find plenty of vitriol and bitterness here from betrayed spouses, to be sure. It's an internet forum so there's not much to be done about it. As a BS, I'm pretty bitter about my WW myself. It colors our responses, plain and simple. For some, it becomes their goal in life to save BSs from the toxic people that have damaged us so badly (and many of us refuse to see the wisdom in leaving our waywards for a better life). The actual presence of a wayward here gives a chance to attack the wayward thinking that still somehow tries to justify terribly hurtful actions. If you are offended, they can assume you either defend your position or that they are "helping" you with their tough, direct stance. In this way, they can feel justified. Their choice, I suppose.

 

That said, you can also find an immense amount of wisdom from those that have been there, done that. I find myself more inclined to help WSs find a path to repairing the damage that they have done. Even though my WW and i are divorcing, I don't define her by her affair. She was a wonderful partner for me for nearly 20 years and she's the mother of my children. I still wonder what happened to my wonderful wife. Something in her is and was broken at some point. I have enough forgiveness in me that we could have (and still could) reconciled but she continued to lie and has stopped trying. She couldn't stay on the right path to reconcile. I believe waywards can be truely remorseful and be forgiven if they know what to do and have the courage to follow-thru. They need to see that there is a hope and that there is a way out without just finally giving up on the M (which is just the final selfish blow). I also hope that I can lend support to BSs as they struggle to forgive remorseful waywards.

 

I am one of many. The reality is that you will get a lot of opinions here, many of them bitter (their prerogitive). Take what works for you and leave the rest. If you must, you can edit your "ignore" list and not have to read posts by certain posters. Personally I think it is important for WSs to truly understand the pain and devastation that BSs go thru but engaging with the bitter ones is a distraction and a pitfall into which you have fallen repeatedly. Where you need to focus is finding the jewel in there that is going to help you. Even the ones that are the most pissed off have got a point worth consideration.

 

Certainly, you can leave LS if you like. It's the easy way out but you have followed that path plenty already. I encourage you to stay and only engage those where engaging brings value. I do hope your IC brought you a sense of direction. What I do know is that one IC session will not remotely tell you what you need to do ongoing. If you don't fix what is broken within you, you'll just take it into the next relationship with you. While the people here are not professionals, I have garnered 1000 times the value of those "professionals" by interacting with a ton of people with real life experience. I doubt you know what you are tossing away by walking away. I agree that you are at step 1. Throw away this resource at your own risk. It's my hope that you stay, have the courage to share your new found decisiveness, open it far and wide to opinions (and criticism) and glean what you can from it all. Of course, I also hope you make the hard choice to do right by your H and family and will continue to say so.

 

Good luck to you and yours.

[2sunny]

Listen, I am at step one of cleaning up my life and owning responsibility for destructive choices. I do not believe that poor choices have to define the rest of my life even if I pay (and others) the consequences of the past.

 

What I can control are my decisions NOW and I left IC tonight with a pretty clear head about what I need to do and continue doing.

 

I may have touched a raw nerve here but I don't think I deserve vicious personal assaults. I don't have the emotional energy for that type of toxicity.

 

I wish everyone here well and for anyone who read what I wrote and tried to offer me words in the spirit of helping, I thank you.

 

 

I do agree - that when I started taking a hard look at me, my behavior and the way I participated... I could THEN start getting honest with myself - and others.

 

That included OWNING the way I participated - and changing ME! I really needed to understand what I was doing backwards. Those were my actions.

 

Then - I needed to begin repairing the damage I caused! This took courage and strength to change ME! I needed to stop harming myself and others.

 

I needed to set things right...to obtain some new balance.

 

It is a process...but it is the way to freedom.

 

I hope you can change... And restore some peace of mind to yourself and those around you.

[bestplayer]

Listen, I am at step one of cleaning up my life and owning responsibility for destructive choices. I do not believe that poor choices have to define the rest of my life even if I pay (and others) the consequences of the past.

 

What I can control are my decisions NOW and I left IC tonight with a pretty clear head about what I need to do and continue doing.

 

I may have touched a raw nerve here but I don't think I deserve vicious personal assaults. I don't have the emotional energy for that type of toxicity.

 

I wish everyone here well and for anyone who read what I wrote and tried to offer me words in the spirit of helping, I thank you.

 

wayward 99 , sadly you are not the first & wouldn't be the last person who has been picked apart just because you shared your story & asked for advice on this board . The fact is that some people on this board can spill only poisnous words & insults . Dont expect any sensible advice from them they are here only to vent their anger & frustrations on someone who confessed his/her mistakes . I myself dont understand how they get any satisfaction from flaming you even if they are BS .

Everyone has now got sick of these bitter & rude posters .

[SandieBeach]

Listen, I am at step one of cleaning up my life and owning responsibility for destructive choices. I do not believe that poor choices have to define the rest of my life even if I pay (and others) the consequences of the past.

 

What I can control are my decisions NOW and I left IC tonight with a pretty clear head about what I need to do and continue doing.

 

I may have touched a raw nerve here but I don't think I deserve vicious personal assaults. I don't have the emotional energy for that type of toxicity.

 

I wish everyone here well and for anyone who read what I wrote and tried to offer me words in the spirit of helping, I thank you.

 

I, for one, am glad to see the cheating spouses post about their experience. It helps me understand the frame of mind of those who feel that cheating is the only way. Don't get me wrong: it doesn't justify the WS actions, but makes me see things from a different perspective.

 

I would agree with other posters: don't spend much time reading those posts written in absolutes. Maybe they are right, and maybe they aren't. Only YOU know what YOU are capable of, and how much (or little) your marriage means to you. One thing is for sure though - you can take comments from the posters who will personally attack you, and assume that your husband probably feels that way. So, can anything you do even fix your marriage?

[nofool4u]

Listen, I am at step one of cleaning up my life and owning responsibility for destructive choices. I do not believe that poor choices have to define the rest of my life even if I pay (and others) the consequences of the past.

 

You are right, poor choices shouldn't define you for the rest of your life. But the question is, are your poor choices because of poor character?

 

Because lets face it, choosing to cheat takes a different type of character as someone who simply, for example, chooses the wrong type of medicine at Walmart. Whether or not a poor choice defines someone depends on if it is in their character.

 

But you are at least redeeming yourself by not trying to screw your husband over with regards to custody.

Edited March 16, 2012 by nofool4u

[nofool4u]

I, for one, am glad to see the cheating spouses post about their experience. It helps me understand the frame of mind of those who feel that cheating is the only way. Don't get me wrong: it doesn't justify the WS actions, but makes me see things from a different perspective.

 

And really, I'm glad too, when they are sincere and aren't trying to color their story with bunk and excuses. Although they are few and far between.

 

The very first post here was riddled with it, including saying that 50/50 custody scared her, thus insinuating that she might try to turn her BH into an every other weekend father.

 

It wasn't until later in the thread she changed that up, and it was nice to know a cheating spouse wasn't going to take the father to the cleaners, custody or otherwise.

[nofool4u]

you can take comments from the posters who will personally attack you, and assume that your husband probably feels that way.

 

Exactly! It may not be totally representative of his feelings, but its probably damn close given her description of how he acts now.

[Spark1111]

WW99.....your parents have a miserable marriage, want to disown you, and your father physically assaulted you this summer.

 

You and your husband assaulted each other this summer.

 

You grew resentful years ago over finances, and never let it go....to the point that you had affairs.

 

This is a train wreck into a plane crash a top the Titanic sinking.

 

All those years in IC, what did you learn about yourself?

 

In MC, what tools were you given to make matters better in your marriage? Did you and he practice them?

 

Because there is NO respect here, for the man and for the marriage.

 

And at this point, at least on this thread, anyone who is trying to point out how selfish you are acting really ignites your defensiveness.

 

All that therapy, all that time you invested and NOTHING improved?

 

Why?

 

I feel like I'm hearing, 'Yeah, yeah I tried, but he never changed.'

 

Did you just pay lip-service to all the advice, or did you not want to stay married to your H?

 

I'm not being snarky here, but it seems like you did invest a lot of time and effort yet nothing really changed or improved for him, for you, or for your marriage.

[2sunny]

Listen, I am at step one of cleaning up my life and owning responsibility for destructive choices. I do not believe that poor choices have to define the rest of my life even if I pay (and others) the consequences of the past.

 

What I can control are my decisions NOW and I left IC tonight with a pretty clear head about what I need to do and continue doing.

 

I may have touched a raw nerve here but I don't think I deserve vicious personal assaults. I don't have the emotional energy for that type of toxicity.

 

I wish everyone here well and for anyone who read what I wrote and tried to offer me words in the spirit of helping, I thank you.

 

Ok, so ONE step AWAY from cleaning up your life?

 

Have you NOW stepped in? And what are YOU planning to DO once you step in to clean it up? What does that look like for you? For others that you may have hurt or harmed? What's the plan to change things?

[Cobber9]

I would recommend pursuing a divorce before it gets anymore toxic, the damage that has been done is irreversible. Even though you had an affair(s), your husband telling parents, clergy, etc...cemented the divorce.

 

Think of your kids now, to give them some structure. Parents and children survive divorce, but the odds are more in your favor if you stop this toxic environment. As for your parents, they are aholes. Sorry, but blood is unconditional, and I dont care what side of the tracks you were raised on. Its deplorable that your parents wouldnt take you in during a time of need. People make mistakes, its life, now try to fix the mistakes as well as you can, and build a new life...for both of your sakes.