My story

[standtall]

Yikes! Ya can't say I didn't warn you ww99.

[stopdropandroll]

 

The one piece of advice I am NOT taking is staying single for the rest of my life. That is the kind of mindset my dad has (even the pastor of my church did not share that view) which led my father to punching me this summer, because yes, he was THAT pissed off that I would consider divorce (he is VERY conservative and a little crazy too).

 

Staying single isn't just a piece of advice, it's what is required of you. Your statement about that shows how little you care about anyone or anything besides yourself.

[nofool4u]

I doubt you (and some others) even read the posts- you see the word "cheater" and you smell fresh blood. I hope you enjoyed your vents at my expense.

 

At your "expense"? The only people this is expensive for is your H and kids.

 

Sure, you are going to ruffle feathers with your story. I commend you on doing right by your husband where custody is concerned. Because its not fair when a mother cheats, and to add insult to injury, forces the stbx-H to become an every other weekend father. Too many women would do that. You have chosen to do the right thing. I applaud you there.

 

 

The one piece of advice I am NOT taking is staying single for the rest of my life. That is the kind of mindset my dad has (even the pastor of my church did not share that view) which led my father to punching me this summer, because yes, he was THAT pissed off that I would consider divorce (he is VERY conservative and a little crazy too).

 

Only way I'd tell someone to stay single for the rest of their life is if its clear they aren't meant for monogamy. Some people are too fickle and get bored if they don't have a fresh face to have sex with now and then.

 

But again, there must be more to the story if both your pastor AND your father are handling this situation in the fashion they are. It doesn't excuse physical violence at all (nothing does with the exception of self defense).

 

Anything else go on in your life that would have almost everyone disowning you?

 

 

I will say I find it ironic that NoFool4U spent about 4 posts "crucifying" me (bad pun) over affairs and how I would steal my kids away from their father (clearly didn't read what I wrote)

 

Nope, I clearly DID read what you wrote, but only saw your latter posts about the 50/50. Again, kudos to your decision to do right by your husband with regards to custody.

 

 

and then questions why the church would want to excommunicate me for said offense.

 

Yes, why would they? Pastors I know would want to help you, not throw you out. So unless this is one of those child molesting hacks of a pastor, they typically would want to help you get to a better place, not kick you out.

 

 

You depict me to be the whore of Babylon so why would you be incredulous that a church would also find offense?

 

Sorry, you are being dramatic now. Nowhere have I depicted you as any such thing.

 

 

For the record, in my former church, even if I offered proof of the end of my affair, if I filed for divorce and not husband, because I do not have "biblical grounds" (which include desertion or being the victim of adultery), then the church was prepared to excommunicate. I don't really buy into that.

 

Then you didn't adhere to the values of the church in the first place.

 

 

So here, more fresh blood to circle about! Again, it is helpful for me to read some cautionary stories and get thoughtful advice, and to type this out. If you don't actually read what I write or apply custody laws of Antarctica to my story, then don't bother.

 

Oh, please, get over yourself, for once.

 

I know full well what custody laws are. With regards to "Antarctica", you tell us. I'm sure they are similar and if you wanted to be granted the role of custodial parent, I'm sure you would get it no matter what you have done, unless you abused drugs or the kids. Adultery doesn't typically factor into custody.

 

50/50 is only really granted to fathers if the mother is the one that agrees. If the mother doesn't agree, and wants custody, again, she'll get it as long as she isn't some sort of criminal.

 

So again, I at least commend you for not screwing your husband over even further by turning him into an every other weekend father.

[wayward 99]

Where I live, it is 50/50 unless one of the parents is unfit. I am not revealing my location in the US, but 2 lawyers have told me as much. Which, despite Black Jack's thoughts otherwise, is not the case for either one of us.

 

I happen to think taking custody away from fit parents just because of gender is barbaric. I think that both parents should have access to their children unless there is a compelling reason otherwise.

 

Google the Presbyterian Church in America. That was their stance on excommunication. If you don't believe me, whatever.

 

As far as my parents, as I said, my mother's position is that it would be better off if I died than to divorce. My dad physically acted on that. They have stuck it out in a miserable marriage for 40 years. Kudos to them.

 

Dramatic? I just got called a sociopath. Honestly, there are some good people here with good questions for me and thoughts to consider, but some of you ARE REALLY BITTER and think it's okay to verbally beat up on someone. If you think you are a morally superior person, then enjoy that feeling.

[Chi townD]

Well, you've come on a forum where people have been cheated on or wronged in a relationship and it does sting to revisit what your husband is going through. Sometimes you have to take the lumps and the slap to the back of the head to realize the TRUE extent of pain your actions have caused. Even though people are harsh, there are people that will give you sound advice to help you (believe it or not)

 

Personally, You need to be contacting a Marriage Counselor that specialize in infidelity. You need to get your husband there ASAP. I know, I know....you're gonna tell me that he won't go. I don't give a damn, you get him there by whatever means possible!! Make a deal with him, tell him to go to just 5 appointments and after 5 if he feels that it's not working at all then he doesn't have to continue. However, you still need to go.

 

If you want to try and fix this. Then say you're gonna do this and that isn't enough. ACTION speaks louder than words. Buy book on the subject and read them! He'll see you reading them, you don't have to point that fact out to him. APPLY what you read into your life. Be religous about it. Right now, your words mean nothing to him. You actions have to be your words right now.

Edited March 14, 2012 by Chi townD

[2sunny]

You took your husbands bad behavior and the justified your own bad behavior.

 

You need to look ONLY at YOUR actions - the ones YOU caused.

 

You COULD HAVE left the M since you didn't like your husbands actions - but you didn't.

 

Instead YOU inflicted harm and pain onto the marriage. Then more harm and pain - then more.

 

This is you.

 

 

Since you are still mainly thinking of yourself - I suggest you NOT be involved with ANY man for a LONG while. Not your H - not your OM - that way maybe, just maybe the harm may end for long enough to asses the damage you caused - and then YOU can figure out how to participate with others that DOESN'T cause damage and harm.

 

 

Step away - lay low - find out how to BE an honorable woman!

 

No need to have ANY man in your life right now.

 

Focus on being a good mother - your kids need you to be present and productive for them.

 

Stop thinking of yourself so much... That is what got you to this place.

[2sunny]

And your parents saying they will cut you out = let them!

 

Parents who will hold money over love aren't showing loving behavior - gee, I wonder where you learned this...

 

How dare they tell you to stay married if you aren't happy - if you are causing so much harm to the family - but stay and just cause more harm... Sheez!!!!

[nofool4u]

Where I live, it is 50/50 unless one of the parents is unfit.

 

I am not revealing my location in the US, but 2 lawyers have told me as much. Which, despite Black Jack's thoughts otherwise, is not the case for either one of us.

 

I happen to think taking custody away from fit parents just because of gender is barbaric.

 

I agree. It happens in more states than not. And I still bet that in your state if you wanted custody, then the courts won't say, "No, its 50/50". If you want custody and fought for it, you'd get it. No matter how fit of a parent, he is.

 

But its a moot point, you are agreeing to 50/50, which is good.

 

 

As far as my parents, as I said, my mother's position is that it would be better off if I died than to divorce. My dad physically acted on that. They have stuck it out in a miserable marriage for 40 years. Kudos to them.

 

More drama. Kudos to them? I wouldn't say that. I ALWAYS am for divorce in the face of cheating. I don't support staying in a miserable marriage, for whatever reason. So if the "kudos to them" was you thinking I support that, you are wrong.

 

 

Dramatic? I just got called a sociopath.

 

Not by me, and the dramatic words were in response to my posts.

 

 

Honestly, there are some good people here with good questions for me and thoughts to consider, but some of you ARE REALLY BITTER

 

Oh no, not the "bitter" lame. How will I sleep at night.

 

 

and think it's okay to verbally beat up on someone.

 

You got the cold hard truth. Your defensiveness indicates how you find yourself in the cheater's seat in the first place. It also could be an indication as to why others aren't so thrilled with your behavior.

 

If you think you are a morally superior person, then enjoy that feeling.

 

I am enjoying it.

[2sunny]

Organized religion actually supports divorce when cheating is involved. IF you/your parents - understand the religion the way it is in the bible - you would all understand that you already divorced yourself from the marriage when you cheated.

[wayward 99]

No fool 4 U,

 

There's cold hard truth, and I'm okay with that, and then there is attacking someone and saying very ugly things. I think that just reflects back on the person who says them, and truthfully I feel sorry for that that type of person.

 

There is much said about my actions here that I agree with, but some of the words are just about as ugly as what my dad did.

 

Sunny, I am telling you the interpretation on divorce/adultery at least in my former denomination. Two reasons for biblical divorce: being the victim of adultery or desertion (literally leaving the house).

[2sunny]

No fool 4 U,

 

There's cold hard truth, and I'm okay with that, and then there is attacking someone and saying very ugly things. I think that just reflects back on the person who says them, and truthfully I feel sorry for that that type of person.

 

There is much said about my actions here that I agree with, but some of the words are just about as ugly as what my dad did.

 

Sunny, I am telling you the interpretation on divorce/adultery at least in my former denomination. Two reasons for biblical divorce: being the victim of adultery or desertion (literally leaving the house).

 

So - looking at the dynamics of "being the victim of adultery" neither you nor your H have really been IN the marriage. Therefore - you haven't had a M - therefore - its easy to see there is no idea of this being a marriage...

 

Looking at your evidence:

 

He wasn't acting loving and kind when he FOCUSED on pron and "others"

 

You weren't acting loving and kind when focused on your OM

 

 

So - essentially - there really wasn't a M to speak of.

 

 

So what do you actually think you're trying to hold onto? Hold on to a broken/non existent marriage? Hold on to harm to self and harm to your husband and family?

 

No.....

 

Let go of what doesn't work - focus on getting healthy. Focus on participating in life as a woman who only participates with people in a loving and kind manner. THAT includes NOT participating with any man that is taken.

 

What are YOU going to DO to change YOU?

[wayward 99]

Looking at your evidence:

 

He wasn't acting loving and kind when he FOCUSED on pron and "others"

 

 

Wrong thread. No porn here that I know of (phew!).

 

What am I going to do?

 

NC with OM (he's not taken although other posters have kindly pointed out that that does not matter). Continue in IC and ask husband to go to MC to see what can be done. Clear my head and decide what needs to be done. I really don't know if it is a marriage, so no, I don't know if I want to stay. That does not mean I continue having an affair.

 

Work on remorse and show it.

 

He also has some say in it.

 

As you said, focus on my children.

 

I will say, I think things broke almost at the beginning. If there is anything to build together, it will be from the ground up, totally new. There is nothing much to go back to.

Edited March 14, 2012 by wayward 99

[2sunny]

Oops, sorry...

 

 

What have YOU been doing? Did YOU address the resentments you have toward your H?

 

What did you do to change everything?

 

How could YOU possibly figure on focusing on healing the M when you put time and energy into your OM? It's just not possible.

 

Why haven't you let go of all contact with OM?

[Kidd]

Oops, sorry...

 

 

What have YOU been doing? Did YOU address the resentments you have toward your H?

 

What did you do to change everything?

 

How could YOU possibly figure on focusing on healing the M when you put time and energy into your OM? It's just not possible.

 

Why haven't you let go of all contact with OM?

 

Are you even reading her posts? She's started NC already.

[2sunny]

She has indicated she is "working on it" - that is totally different than DOING IT.

 

I'd like to ask - how long have you been absolutely no contact with your OM?

[Kidd]

From a previoua post...

 

OM is over, done. Obviously I have struggled in the past to keep finality in that relationship, BUT I think that this time it is really over and I have taken steps to ensure that that it will stay that way. My heart is broken about it but my conscience was getting the best of me. I keep thinking about how I might lose my relationship with my kids b/c of him. I am sure this paragraph will inspire quite a bit of abuse but it is helpful for me to type out anyway.

[Kidd]

From a previous post... (I can never quite get those quotes to work via my iPhone). To your point, it's obviously a recent decision.

 

OM is over, done. Obviously I have struggled in the past to keep finality in that relationship, BUT I think that this time it is really over and I have taken steps to ensure that that it will stay that way. My heart is broken about it but my conscience was getting the best of me. I keep thinking about how I might lose my relationship with my kids b/c of him. I am sure this paragraph will inspire quite a bit of abuse but it is helpful for me to type out anyway.

 

PS. Sorry for the duplicate post

Edited March 14, 2012 by Kidd

[stillafool]

 

Please tell me, what is the right thing to do before God?

 

 

I think it would be to not commit adultery. People always say they are staying in their rotten marriage because they don't want to hurt the kids. Do you think having an affair on your family is not hurting the kids?

[2sunny]

From a previous post... (I can never quite get those quotes to work via my iPhone). To your point, it's obviously a recent decision.

 

OM is over, done. Obviously I have struggled in the past to keep finality in that relationship, BUT I think that this time it is really over and I have taken steps to ensure that that it will stay that way. My heart is broken about it but my conscience was getting the best of me. I keep thinking about how I might lose my relationship with my kids b/c of him. I am sure this paragraph will inspire quite a bit of abuse but it is helpful for me to type out anyway.

 

PS. Sorry for the duplicate post

 

Struggled to keep finality...

 

My heart is broken...

 

 

The whole idea is to NOT EVEN THINK OF YOUR OM!

 

That is when you can consider yourself no longer a cheat.

 

DO everything possible not to think of him... Stay busy. Get busy DOING things for perfect strangers - random acts of kindness.

[bentnotbroken]

No fool 4 U,

 

There's cold hard truth, and I'm okay with that, and then there is attacking someone and saying very ugly things. I think that just reflects back on the person who says them, and truthfully I feel sorry for that that type of person.

 

There is much said about my actions here that I agree with, but some of the words are just about as ugly as what my dad did.

 

Sunny, I am telling you the interpretation on divorce/adultery at least in my former denomination. Two reasons for biblical divorce: being the victim of adultery or desertion (literally leaving the house).

 

 

Don't feel sorry for the person. Feel sorry for your family. They are on the receiving end of the consequences of your actions. I agree our actions are a reflection of who we really are...what do your posts and actions say about you?

[bentnotbroken]

I think it would be to not commit adultery. People always say they are staying in their rotten marriage because they don't want to hurt the kids. Do you think having an affair on your family is not hurting the kids?

 

 

Playground logic for an adult. It is always sad to see that with grown people.....but unfortunately that is becoming more the the norm.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Google the Presbyterian Church in America. That was their stance on excommunication. If you don't believe me, whatever.

 

PCA is an ultra-conservative denomination, but excommunication is a bit harsh even for a PCA congregation. If you are willing to look, there are other denominations that do a better job of living out God's loving Grace. I would think that other PCA churches would be more welcoming to broken individuals.

 

Like someone else posted, maybe there is more to the back story.

[nofool4u]

No fool 4 U,

 

There's cold hard truth, and I'm okay with that, and then there is attacking someone and saying very ugly things.

 

Ok, show me the ugly things I wrote, and if I deem it necessary, I'll reword it.

 

 

I think that just reflects back on the person who says them, and truthfully I feel sorry for that that type of person.

 

But of course it does, and of course you do:rolleyes:

 

There is much said about my actions here that I agree with, but some of the words are just about as ugly as what my dad did.

 

Again, show me which one of mine, and I'll correct if necessary. But I won't correct if its on the money, and you simply didn't like hearing it.

[nofool4u]

From a previoua post...

 

OM is over, done. Obviously I have struggled in the past to keep finality in that relationship, BUT I think that this time it is really over and I have taken steps to ensure that that it will stay that way.

 

Key words bolded.

[Kidd]

Key words bolded.

 

Good point.