simpsonic Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) So my bf and I had been dating for four months, until last week he dropped a bomb on me saying that he was “not ready for a serious commitment right now” and that he was on a much slower path of getting there than I was.**I took that as meaning he didn’t want a serious commitment with ME so I told him it was best that I stop dating him, focus on myself, and eventually start dating other people.* * To give you all a little history, we were both looking for a relationship when we met, and we were exclusive from the start.**He treated me extremely well; he always went out of his way to see me, brought me soup when I was sick, gave me flowers and took me out on Valentine’s Day…the whole nine yards.**He also introduced me to his friends (and was affectionate with me in front of them), brought me to his office party, and we spent NYE together.**He made it clear that we were bf/gf.* All of these things were initiated by him.**So I know this wasn’t something purely casual.**I did tell him I eventually wanted our relationship to become long-term.**Maybe this scared him?**We have known each other for 5 months and he pointed this out to me.**Is this his way of saying were moving too fast and he wanted to slow down?* * I didn’t think things were moving too fast at all.*Just the opposite actually…I remember when we first started going out, he didn’t try to kiss me or even hold my hand*until the 5th*date.**We didn’t have sex until a month later.**Basically, this is the slowest-moving relationship I’ve ever been in.* * I guess I didn’t realize I was expecting more because it is just something I’m used to…with all the other guys I dated, things moved very quickly.**One of them told me he loved me after one month and another talked about going on vacation with me 2 weeks after our first date.**But things didn’t work with any of them in the end so… * As I said earlier in my post, I took my bf’s revelation to me as a cop-out from saying that he didn’t want to be with me, so I made the decision to stop dating him, move on, and eventually start dating others.*Deep down in my heart though, I want to be with him.**It’s only been a week, but I miss him so much.**He seemed really sad about everything too…he wrote me a heartfelt email the other night, saying that it was difficult for him to hear I wanted to move on, but he respected my decision.*I have not responded, as I’m still gathering my thoughts.**I really want to get back together, though part of me tells me if we do, he might never come around.**After all, I’ve always heard that if a guy isn’t ready for a serious commitment right now, he never will.**I’m at a loss here.* Edited March 12, 2012 by simpsonic Grammar
Author simpsonic Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Excuse all the symbols that are in my post...I posted this on my phone and they just keep showing up.
FitChick Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 You have to let him miss you to realize how important you are to him -- or not. That is the only test. It's possible that he is the right guy at the wrong time, too. You never know.
carhill Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Can you clarify what he meant by 'serious commitment'? What is his relationship history? How old is he?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Straight answer: No The only resolution that men can settle on which would end up being with you is just that....settling. He would come to terms that all the things you have been saying to him over the relationship or how great of a girlfriend are, whether by words or by actions and he pushes aside his ambitions to find a stronger match/ideal person in order to pursue/move on to other ambitions in his personal life. Meaning he settles for you in part for his romantic desires in order to pursue maybe career/life/family ambitions since he knows you aren't exactly a bad choice, however not his ideal companion/romance. The part women are confused with is because men in moments or flurries will indulge themselves in you and "act out" with you as If you were this ideal person. So that's why it become "confusing for you. However ultimately a man knows what the level and magnitude his romantic feelings can be achieved with a woman, after a very short time of knowing you but established and confirmed as the length of the relationship doesn't "change" or "enhance" the way that he feels about you. Therefore, regardless of his actions or his words performed in the relationship you must always keep in mind that there is a glass ceiling emotionally for him. A variety of excuses are given by men by the bottom line is always the same, you can make a pizza with many different ingredients and different ways but at the end of the day It's a pizza! Maybe not the best example, however the point being that all the details that you emotionally and mentally cling onto in hopes of them having a greater overall impact to your relationship and mainly his emotions will not turn something into what it is not...and there's no way around that. How a man treats you may just be his level of respect, morals, values, mentality on how to date a woman, so just because he treats you a certain way and does X number of things in X number of way (whole nine yards) doesn't establish anything without the emotional foundation. It's like the difference from making love to having sex sometimes, the act might be the same but the emotions can make all the difference but If you're only focused on how it makes you feel than you're living the romance on your own, how do you know what a man does differently when he is in love with a woman? how do you know this is all this man has to give? And that's what many women fail to see and understand, instead they just base it off a number or irrelevant details to support their own hopes and faith for something greater. 1
Yookie Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Thank you Ninjainpajamas. Posters like you make this board worth reading!
GildedLily Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 How old are both of you and does he have his career together? Has he said "I love you" yet? What do you mean by commitment, like marriage? What answer were you ideally wanting to get from him?
HeyFriends Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Straight answer: No The only resolution that men can settle on which would end up being with you is just that....settling. He would come to terms that all the things you have been saying to him over the relationship or how great of a girlfriend are, whether by words or by actions and he pushes aside his ambitions to find a stronger match/ideal person in order to pursue/move on to other ambitions in his personal life. Meaning he settles for you in part for his romantic desires in order to pursue maybe career/life/family ambitions since he knows you aren't exactly a bad choice, however not his ideal companion/romance. The part women are confused with is because men in moments or flurries will indulge themselves in you and "act out" with you as If you were this ideal person. So that's why it become "confusing for you. However ultimately a man knows what the level and magnitude his romantic feelings can be achieved with a woman, after a very short time of knowing you but established and confirmed as the length of the relationship doesn't "change" or "enhance" the way that he feels about you. Therefore, regardless of his actions or his words performed in the relationship you must always keep in mind that there is a glass ceiling emotionally for him. A variety of excuses are given by men by the bottom line is always the same, you can make a pizza with many different ingredients and different ways but at the end of the day It's a pizza! Maybe not the best example, however the point being that all the details that you emotionally and mentally cling onto in hopes of them having a greater overall impact to your relationship and mainly his emotions will not turn something into what it is not...and there's no way around that. How a man treats you may just be his level of respect, morals, values, mentality on how to date a woman, so just because he treats you a certain way and does X number of things in X number of way (whole nine yards) doesn't establish anything without the emotional foundation. It's like the difference from making love to having sex sometimes, the act might be the same but the emotions can make all the difference but If you're only focused on how it makes you feel than you're living the romance on your own, how do you know what a man does differently when he is in love with a woman? how do you know this is all this man has to give? And that's what many women fail to see and understand, instead they just base it off a number or irrelevant details to support their own hopes and faith for something greater. youre like a relationship guru or something..
ComMan Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I think the guy dodged a bullet, he did not even wanted to fight to get you back. You must be FAT or something. Not someone would want for any long term. You sound needy and emotionally unstable. I bet you can't even cook.
Author simpsonic Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) I think the guy dodged a bullet, he did not even wanted to fight to get you back. You must be FAT or something. Not someone would want for any long term. You sound needy and emotionally unstable. I bet you can't even cook. Yeah that must be it. He is 25 and I am 28. He finished law school last year and moved across the country to take his first full-time job. He has lived here for just over 6 months now. He had been in 2 relationships before me, the first one lasted for 2 years and the other lasted 5 months, which ended at this time last year. He admitted that he was a commitment phobe: he said he stayed in his first relationship longer than he wanted to...he wanted to get out within that first year but stayed because it was "easier". His second relationship ended exactly the same way it did with us. Of course these details weren't revealed until just recently. In the beginning I only knew about how long they lasted and that they ended because things just didn't work out. I didn't press for anything further because I thought those were enough details I needed to know. Besides, that conversation took place when we first started dating so I didn't think it would have been appropriate to press him. I know I spoke in general terms when I told him about my relationship history. His definition of serious commitment was integrating his life with another person's. He said he wasn't ready for that because he liked his own space. I did notice that, as we would just talk 3-4 days a week, and see each other the same number of times a week. I casually mentioned to him that I wanted to hear from him more. I suspected that HE suspected this was going down a path he was not ready to take. And no, he had not said "I love you" during our entire relationship. I talked to a friend about this last night and she said, "There's no doubt that he likes you. But I don't think he loves you." That really hit me. *Now I don't feel so bad about moving on. Edited March 13, 2012 by simpsonic Spelling
FitChick Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 He is too young to settle down because he is just starting his adult life. Maybe in ten years he'd be a great catch.
LexiB Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 How a man treats you may just be his level of respect, morals, values, mentality on how to date a woman, so just because he treats you a certain way and does X number of things in X number of way (whole nine yards) doesn't establish anything without the emotional foundation. It's like the difference from making love to having sex sometimes, the act might be the same but the emotions can make all the difference but If you're only focused on how it makes you feel than you're living the romance on your own, how do you know what a man does differently when he is in love with a woman? how do you know this is all this man has to give? And that's what many women fail to see and understand, instead they just base it off a number or irrelevant details to support their own hopes and faith for something greater. Excellent point here. OP, I had a similar situation recently. Dated a guy for 4 months, guy pulls out all the stops, I bring up becoming official and he tells me he's not ready for anything serious....after all that. They say actions speak louder than words. Well...how do you proceed to try to understand a man when his actions and words can come through in surround sound and still not mean anything?
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