We had sex

[kaylan]

I feel like Ninja described my relationship to a T. I am very independent and yes, I do have an emotional wall up. To Mr. Baseball, he finds that aspect of me incredibly sexy and he has commented that he loves it when I tell him what to do from time to time. The chemistry is insane, especially when we're intimate, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

 

But then that rollercoaster always occurs, especially when it comes to finding time to see each other. The last few fights that we had, it was always about him being too busy with work to see me and I took offense to his lack of effort. That is why he called me immature because I would say things like " Forget it" or " Whatever".

 

I can't say I don't like the drama, it does feel like a high and I constantly feel like I have to test the waters and see how far he's willing to allow me to go. Like our second date, when I walked away from him because we fought over something insignificant, he actually came after me to confront me. He publicly lectured me that he had been never treated so disrespectfully before and that he was willing to drop me then and there. I got teary-eyed and wanted to walk away again, but he just grabbed me, hugged and kissed me.

 

And even tonight, we almost got into a fight because we couldn't come to an agreement about when we'll see each other next.

 

I don't know. I feel like he's everything I want in a guy for an SO, but at the same time, I can't deny I'm in a way, the main problem. What can I do?

 

All I can say is this.

 

Looking back on how things were with my ex, I realized theres a right and wrong way to go about getting that high I need in a relationship. Theres a way to achieve that edge, and get my fill of combative energy without negatively impacting the relationship. I love debate, I love that raw energy we created when we fiercely argued something. Part of me always felt playful in all of it.

 

I cant explain it well I dont think. Its like we would disagreed on something, have a debate, then someone would get mad...but later Id just kiss her and be over it. I didnt take it so seriously. I mean she did make me bonkers sometimes...but at the same time I couldnt get enough of her. I guess Im saying we need someone whos emotionally open and available to us completely, despite any drama. She wasnt always, and eventually her heart shut down on me.

 

Not everyone deals with drama the same way. I got over things quickly and easily. My ex didnt...especially since she had a lot of pressure from her mom that impacted our relationship. Not to mention she wasnt over her ex completely when we started dating.

Its really weird...I sometimes think we get conditioned by movies and tv shows into thinking that to have such a great love, that sometimes there needs to be a great struggle.

 

Anyways...in the 2 and a half years Ive had to think about my last relationship, Ive realized exactly what I want. I want the fire, I want the passion, I want the intellectual sparring. I also want a chick who will give me sh!!t and wont take my sh!!t...I dig strength and confidence...but with all that I want us to get along...I think its entirely possible to have all of those things I want and not have big giant fights all the time.

 

Theres no reason you should already be almost crying over someone you just met. I can tell you that a hugely bad sign. My ex and I didnt reach points like that until we were best friends before dating. I think youre moving way to fast here and simply ignoring certain flags. New and lasting relationships do not start this way.

 

Slow down girl, slow down.

Edited March 13, 2012 by kaylan

[Mme. Chaucer]

I just can't reconcile "the last few fights we had" with a pair of people who have been on 3, or is it 4 dates.

[kaylan]

I didnt really address this last part before. Ima give you some real talk.

 

And even tonight, we almost got into a fight because we couldn't come to an agreement about when we'll see each other next.

 

I don't know. I feel like he's everything I want in a guy for an SO, but at the same time, I can't deny I'm in a way, the main problem. What can I do?

Look...I think you are being way to hard on yourself. I understand you recognize a problem within yourself. Great...why is that great?...because self reflection is good. However, I think you are really missing the beat if you dont throw some blame on this guy.

 

Why zero in solely on yourself in this thread? Yes you were previously diagnosed with a mental/emotional condition. But this dude does trigger off the wall reactions in you...is that not a sign that things are moving too fast? Is that not a sign that maybe this guy and you just dont fit? Why isnt he trying to stem the tide and slow things down? Why is he sleeping in the same bed with you when you first just met? Why is he allowing fights with you to continue? Why was he flaking out on you before? And why after inviting you to sleep over last week, and you feeling offended by it...why would he go for it again, but succeed this time? All this after he told you he didnt want to speak to you again.

 

Personally I dont exactly trust his intentions. He knows hes leaving the state soon for an extended period of time as well. It would seem to me that hes trying to have his fun and you might not be seeing clearly. And why the hell did you even sleep with him after you protested to his invitation to sleep over last week? Why did you get so offended when the ladies here told you that you set a bad precedent by sleeping over your first date? And now youve slept with him and look like a hypocrite.

 

With all of your seemingly wacky behavior, the first night sleep over, the coming on too strong, the acting like theres an "us" when you two just started dating, and all the fighting as well....how do you expect this guy to behave?

 

He still doesnt seem like he does the most he can to make sure he has time to see you...especially if you are STILL fighting about this. How many hints do you need? And he knows hes leaving the state for an extended period soon...so what do you really think this dude is about? He doesnt make time for you as it is, so you make things more serious even though he soon wont be able to see you at all. I wouldnt be surprised if you were being hoodwinked? But you are too goddamn run by emotions and a need to have someone in your busy life that you dont acknowledge the red flags for what they are.

 

I personally think you are settling on what you really want because you are too busy to actively date more. But thats just me. Ask yourself if you thinks its possible to get a guy out there who will make time to see you, be attentive, not fight with you all the time, and also be super attractive to you? Granted you and this dude have good chemistry now, but from previous posts, I wouldnt be surprised if attraction becomes an issue in the future.

 

And work on his snoring? REALLY? All of this crap and you guys JUST started dating not too long ago. A chick who isnt my girlfriend is not allowed to complain about how I sleep. Especially if I only just now smashed her out. (excuse my slang)

 

Come on bro. Real talk here...I felt compelled to say all this cus you filled us all in about your condition and you dont seem to be operating properly at the moment. You can do better brah.

Edited March 13, 2012 by kaylan

[Jane2011]

Now, again don't jump down my throat and accuse me of acting on my emotions. I'm the kind of person who needs to rely on sexual chemistry before getting serious.

 

I'm the same way. I need to feel hefty sexual chemistry -- that's acted on -- before I can fully appreciate other aspects of a guy. I'm not sure why. I'm just weird. For a while, based on input from various sources (friends in real life and people online), I was second-guessing and beating myself up for it. Like, why can't I be one of those women who forms full non-sexual bonds with a man for a month or two before consummating?

 

But the thing is, I just can't. I just wouldn't be me if I waited a month or two. (I have waited a month before, but more often than not, it's sooner than that). And plenty of my other friends/confidantes insist that it's all good (about having sex quickly) if you and the guy are on the same page. One even says (in general to the more chaste bunch): "You know what? We are living in a sexual culture. It's no big deal. Some great relationships come out of fast sex. Deal with it."

 

I'm in agreement, and though I'm not planning to have first or second date sex any time soon, sex within the first five dates or so, yeah...I'm not gonna stop myself if I want to. If the guy doesn't like me after, so be it. There are plenty of guys who are on the same page who don't think the relationship is all about sex, or respect you less, just because you had sex with them before you were together for a long time. Last guy I was with was completely cool with us having sex quickly and wanted a relationship with me. (It was something else that made it end).

 

I don't have anything against people who wait, and I even respect it in a lot of ways. I'm just saying, no matter how sound the case is for waiting, I prolly won't ever change. Some dude is going to have to like me regardless of me having sex with him within the first five dates, anyway, or I will remain a spinster.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I feel like Ninja described my relationship to a T. I am very independent and yes, I do have an emotional wall up. To Mr. Baseball, he finds that aspect of me incredibly sexy and he has commented that he loves it when I tell him what to do from time to time. The chemistry is insane, especially when we're intimate, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

But then that rollercoaster always occurs, especially when it comes to finding time to see each other. The last few fights that we had, it was always about him being too busy with work to see me and I took offense to his lack of effort. That is why he called me immature because I would say things like " Forget it" or " Whatever".

I can't say I don't like the drama, it does feel like a high and I constantly feel like I have to test the waters and see how far he's willing to allow me to go. Like our second date, when I walked away from him because we fought over something insignificant, he actually came after me to confront me. He publicly lectured me that he had been never treated so disrespectfully before and that he was willing to drop me then and there. I got teary-eyed and wanted to walk away again, but he just grabbed me, hugged and kissed me.

And even tonight, we almost got into a fight because we couldn't come to an agreement about when we'll see each other next.

I don't know. I feel like he's everything I want in a guy for an SO, but at the same time, I can't deny I'm in a way, the main problem. What can I do?

 

He calls the behavior immature in order to make you feel like it isn't acceptable. It's mildly manipulative... and I think you already understand that.

 

Also... it sounds like your fights boil down to you wanting more than he is willing to give. Does that sound right? With most guys effort=interest.

 

I've had some crazy sexual chemistry with women I wasn't willing to put that much effort into. Sexual chemistry is not the same as emotional chemistry in my opinion.

 

It's good that you have your wall up. I hope this works out for you. If not make sure you learn from it. These experiences can be a great opportunity to grow.

[Professor X]

I just can't reconcile "the last few fights we had" with a pair of people who have been on 3, or is it 4 dates.

 

I think it's safe to assume we'll see her posting again in a few weeks with a breakup thread.

 

P.S. Sorry for the skepticism.

[westrock]

I don't think I've ever mentioned this but I used to be bipolar, or at least at one point, I was diagnosed with bPD and I was very prone to ups and downs. I think my emotional/ irrational outbursts occurred more out of habit. I tend to have a tendency to take people the wrong way and act out unexpectedly.

 

Does he know about your history with bipolar/BPD ?

[missyme04]

SEX is great! LOL!! hahahahaha

but doing it on your first day is I think "awkward" but don't worry it's only based in my perspective. Just take it slow

 

Let him wait first before doing it again. learn to control your sexual emotions. then fall in love first. hope that helps

[ComMan]

SEX is great! LOL!! hahahahaha

but doing it on your first day is I think "awkward" but don't worry it's only based in my perspective. Just take it slow

 

Let him wait first before doing it again. learn to control your sexual emotions. then fall in love first. hope that helps

 

Why there is no dislike button, this dumb bitch is annoying!

[xpaperxcutx]

Does he know about your history with bipolar/BPD ?

 

No. It's not a need to know basis right now. I don't tell anyone until I think they're ready for it.

[xpaperxcutx]

I didnt really address this last part before. Ima give you some real talk.

 

Look...I think you are being way to hard on yourself. I understand you recognize a problem within yourself. Great...why is that great?...because self reflection is good. However, I think you are really missing the beat if you dont throw some blame on this guy.

 

Why zero in solely on yourself in this thread? Yes you were previously diagnosed with a mental/emotional condition. But this dude does trigger off the wall reactions in you...is that not a sign that things are moving too fast? Is that not a sign that maybe this guy and you just dont fit? Why isnt he trying to stem the tide and slow things down? Why is he sleeping in the same bed with you when you first just met? Why is he allowing fights with you to continue? Why was he flaking out on you before? And why after inviting you to sleep over last week, and you feeling offended by it...why would he go for it again, but succeed this time? All this after he told you he didnt want to speak to you again.

 

Personally I dont exactly trust his intentions. He knows hes leaving the state soon for an extended period of time as well. It would seem to me that hes trying to have his fun and you might not be seeing clearly. And why the hell did you even sleep with him after you protested to his invitation to sleep over last week? Why did you get so offended when the ladies here told you that you set a bad precedent by sleeping over your first date? And now youve slept with him and look like a hypocrite.

 

With all of your seemingly wacky behavior, the first night sleep over, the coming on too strong, the acting like theres an "us" when you two just started dating, and all the fighting as well....how do you expect this guy to behave?

 

He still doesnt seem like he does the most he can to make sure he has time to see you...especially if you are STILL fighting about this. How many hints do you need? And he knows hes leaving the state for an extended period soon...so what do you really think this dude is about? He doesnt make time for you as it is, so you make things more serious even though he soon wont be able to see you at all. I wouldnt be surprised if you were being hoodwinked? But you are too goddamn run by emotions and a need to have someone in your busy life that you dont acknowledge the red flags for what they are.

 

I personally think you are settling on what you really want because you are too busy to actively date more. But thats just me. Ask yourself if you thinks its possible to get a guy out there who will make time to see you, be attentive, not fight with you all the time, and also be super attractive to you? Granted you and this dude have good chemistry now, but from previous posts, I wouldnt be surprised if attraction becomes an issue in the future.

 

And work on his snoring? REALLY? All of this crap and you guys JUST started dating not too long ago. A chick who isnt my girlfriend is not allowed to complain about how I sleep. Especially if I only just now smashed her out. (excuse my slang)

 

Come on bro. Real talk here...I felt compelled to say all this cus you filled us all in about your condition and you dont seem to be operating properly at the moment. You can do better brah.

 

Kay I don't think I'm being harsh on myself. I'm merely acknowledging that I have faults and problems that I need to work on, especially my need for drama. That's the main thing that has caused many of our fights. He has tried to stop the fighting, I was always the one who tried to prolong it. The thing is, he's very honest and straightforward and if he dislikes something he will tell me. More often than not, I'll take it the wrong way and I'll misinterpret.

 

As for him leaving, he never went in depth about it with me. The only time we actually delve onto that topic was in passing conversation with his friend, and even then it wasn't my place to ask. The only reason I even know about him going away was because I did a background check on him. If he feels like telling he will tell me. I trust him to tell me the truth. Which then leads us to the point- what are his intention.

 

If his motive was to have sex with me, I guess we can say he's accomplished that. I don't think there's a need for all the hassle of taking me out to dinner, driving me to places, and even bothering to ask me to be his girlfriend. So I don't know.

 

As for his snoring, it's a joke between us because he does snore really loudly. But he has tried to stop it when I was staying over at his place.

 

Thanks for your concerns, but if you have to talk about settling, I've settled for far worse in the past. I can tell you how many jerks I've been with but you can just look through my post history. In terms of having a guy treating me right, he's good for now. When we're not arguing that is. So I'll see. I'm not ready to jump into a relationship with him, I just want to date him. Hopefully when his second job ends soon, we'll be able to talk about things a little more in depth.

Edited March 13, 2012 by xpaperxcutx