denbar84 Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I apologize for the length it went way longer than I hoped for. For the people who make it through and provide some insight, I thank you sincerely. I should mention I am 28 and she is 24, both career focus.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on restarting a relationship with an ex. As the story goes my ex and I broke up back in late October over issues around her feeling like she was a secondary priority, that her opinion was not important. I truly did recognize my mistake and mentioned to her that she was right and that I know I need to work on things. That I shouldn’t lose sight of what is important in life. She mentioned she had heard that before from people and that they always lie. With that I said than its best we move on and that retaining a friendship would not be suitable. She become very defensive and called me childish. At this point, November until pretty much today she had been in contact with me in every form possible. I had ignored her a bit, reduced contact and even talked to her for her reasons to always call. 99% of the time it was totally unneeded. For about a month and a half after our breakup she wanted to hangout here and there and I figured it might be going down the road of maybe getting back together. Just before Christmas she told me that she was seeing someone, someone I had a feeling was in the background. At this point I became angry and hurtful towards her, my lowest point, for leading me on. I was very disappointed with myself and know I disappointed her as well. I said to have fun with your new boyfriend and all the best and to just move on. The contact continued even when it was ugly, she was putting up with a lot of my crap, honestly at this point I was hoping it was enough for her to leave me alone. But it didn’t, in actuality she contacted me even more. I became distant and removed from her life completely, she would call and ask to meet up with vague voice messages about why we needed to talk. This brings us to the beginning of February. I would like to note, not once during this entire breakup did I contact her myself, or agree to be friends I continued with my statement that we need to move on and you had made the choice to leave me, so continue with your new life. When early February came 5 days had gone by with no contact, the most in almost 4 months until I received a seemingly simple but weird email. It stated that she was sorry for the hurtful thing said to me and that it was unfair of her to not be more understanding of my hard time prior to our breakup and knows that I didn’t mean those hurtful things said. It finished with I know you will be successful with whatever you do and all the best. My first impression was ok, this is weird but nothing for me to respond to. Three days late a text now, “I betrayed you as my partner and feel terrible, I am so sad to know I let you down. No response from me. This continued with 3 voicemails, probably 8-9 texts messages and god only knows how many phone calls over the next 2 days. All ignored. Eventually, I cracked and said that I will meet up to hear what she has to say. This mini meeting she stated that she has lots of growing up to do and that she would love to try again when she is stable and ready. She mentioned that she broke up with this guy (admitted to it being a rebound and felt bad about hurting someone she considered a friend) and was focused on figuring us out and that she needed to stop distracting herself. I said maybe one day we can and wished her luck on her self discovery. It ended with her saying that maybe in March we should talk and see where we stood, I said maybe. Even when she said she needed to work on things she kept in contact with me. I said lets talk in March, it never happened. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]During February we saw each other once or twice a week talked on the phone at least once everyday, sometime it was pleasant other times we fought. Again all contact initiated by her. I do notice her attitude towards me is very different, more leant and loving. Comforting me and such when I would get upset about certain things. Very different than anytime during the breakup. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Speeding up to today, she mentions to me and I totally believe it that she does not want to date this other guy, he’s been cut out of her life 6 weeks ago but instead would like to see if we can build something together again. That she said she saw me as the father of her children and husband. That she continues to have dreams that I am in her life in the future and that she believes we would be a great couple. The confusing part here is that she is worried about getting back together, that we are not the right fit for one another. It feels like she now is over analyzing everything and is super nervous.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]She wants to take it slow, which I agree. She believes we have new insight into how we work and what would need to happen to make it successful but is cautious. She mentions that she wants to not be so “flightly” as she calls it and wants to really make sure she is making the right decision. To me it seems she is hitting a major life stage. I do not know what to do. Last night during dinner she apologized that she couldn’t commit to being together yet and is upset with herself for not knowing what to do. It came out of no where. I mentioned should we keep space until you figure out what you want. Her initial response is maybe, than to “what happens if you are gone for good”. I said that it was a possibility and that we both might move on to find different people. Its not what I want but it is a possibility. She became upset and said that we will figure it out later. Just to state she has dated more people than I and has had a few relationships that have lasted I would say of some length(over a year), me I have date a few women the one prior to this one for 8 years. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]What should I do, I know she does care and loves me a lot, we just spent the entire weekend together with her family and had an awesome time. Many times during the trip she told me she loved me and was very affectionate the entire time, mentioned that she finds me very handsome/sexy. We had great conversations about life event, ideas and things we thought we interesting. Out strongest connection besides the physical one is that we love talking to each other. It was what attracted both of us initially. We are intimate and do all the things a couple do do when they date except have the tile. It seems she is very nervous with whatever she does regarding us or with any relationship issues that come up. I feel she wants to come back badly since she does talk about our future, IE living together again and vacations we can take, ideas of us moving to a new city thing discussed when we dated but than is held back with something. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]What should I do, how should I proceed with this? Should I distance myself or see her once or twice a week? And by the way I totally believe her that this other guy isn’t an issue anymore, we have never lied to one another even when it was difficult. Or is she just holding on to me because she is afraid I will be gone for good? If that’s the case why not just continue seeing the other guy? [/FONT][/sIZE]
Exit Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Just my opinion but I would keep some distance until she is willing to commit. Don't be "doing all the things couples do, just without the label", that means she already gets what she wants, she doesn't have to worry about losing you, but she doesn't have to make it an official relationship either. You wouldn't show up to a job and work without pay and have the boss tell you "we don't really have a title for you". Don't put the work in to acting like somebody's boyfriend when you aren't getting the recognition either. You've spent some time with her, a weekend together, dinner, so you should be on her mind. I wouldn't keep doing it though. If she wants to be with you it shouldn't be that hard to decide.
Author denbar84 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 I agree as well. The reason why I am giving her more of a break and space is that I know in the last year she has gone through many life changes IE leaving a small town to a big city, finshed school to full time work, being on her own entirely, as well as emotionally growing up to adult life and relationships. I can tell she is a terriably confused person right now and is scared to make any decisions since she feels she has made many mistakes before, ie boyfriends and jumping back into things when they werent the most appropriate. I now feel like I am put under a huge microscope and is having every aspect of who I am and my life evaluated and analyzed, too the point of being unfair. Its like she is being super vigilante in finding faul with me. She admits when were and could be a great couple again but still has reservations. Early last month she was so eager to try again, a month and a half later she is still tippie toeing. She mentions and I believe her that she is only with me right now and doesnt want to date anyone else. That she needs to figure us out. I figured in this amount of time she should know where she stood. Maybe I am wrong. I mentioned last night we do everything a dating couple do and spend the same amount of time so why can't we say we are dating. She says why do we need to label it. What gives? Do you think she is still weighing her option with this other guy even though she tells me that she doesnt want to date him, that she doesnt have those feelings for him.
Author denbar84 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 Just my opinion but I would keep some distance until she is willing to commit. Don't be "doing all the things couples do, just without the label", that means she already gets what she wants, she doesn't have to worry about losing you, but she doesn't have to make it an official relationship either. You wouldn't show up to a job and work without pay and have the boss tell you "we don't really have a title for you". Don't put the work in to acting like somebody's boyfriend when you aren't getting the recognition either. You've spent some time with her, a weekend together, dinner, so you should be on her mind. I wouldn't keep doing it though. If she wants to be with you it shouldn't be that hard to decide. How do I distance myself without her feeling like I am being childish or difficuilt, should I tell her that I think we need time apart so she can figure out what she wants?
Author denbar84 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) Help so confused ??? Edited March 13, 2012 by denbar84
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