TheSingleGuy Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I've been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. Women tell me, if they are able to manipulate their man, they lose attraction. I gave this a lot of thought about a year ago. At the time, I made list of common manipulation tactics that women routinely employ to get men to do things they'd rather not do. But I just realized, recently, that if a guy doesn't like a behavior, and allows it, and doesn't address it, this is also manipulation. If she's doing something that bothers you, and you don't assert yourself, she'll feel that she's manipulating you. So, the title of the thread: cell phones and manipulation. I notice a pattern with the women I date. They almost never text while on a first date with me. But then usually several dates into the new relationship, she'll begin to text others in my presence. Often times, at this point, she'll feel the need to explain who she's texting. "It's my friend Liz" or whatever, and often it will come with an explanation as to what they're texting about. Eventually, the texting will no longer be accompanied by any explanation, either who she's texting or what it's about. Society has an unspoken rule that says we never ask someone who they're communicating with if they're texting in our presence. So, now, we have a new "boundary" that says she can text & communicate with others in your presence and she doesn't need to explain any of it. But if we get on an elevator, and two people start talking in another language, right in front of us, most Americans consider this to be rude. Why not speak English in our presence. Are you talking about us? Something to think about. Sometime, shortly after she starts texting a third party and feels no need to explain anything, she'll make me aware that she's been communicating with a male friend. Usually, I'll find the mention of the male friend, oh, probably, 6 to 12 weeks in. Of course, I have no idea who this new male friend is and instinctively, I don't like the sound of it. But I never say anything about my discomfort. And I'm certain she's reading that and picking up on that. She's now crossed a boundary and to this point, I've never asserted myself. Most women will label me as extremely insecure. I am. That said, if her having male friends bothers me, there's nothing I can do to change that. I can't alter the way I feel. All I can control is how I react to those feelings. Should I just tell her right there, that I can't keep seeing her if she maintains friendships with men? Should I immediately mention a story about one of my female friends? Tit for tat? Should I continue to do what I've always done, and that is, make a mental note and as she eventually builds up a list of these mental notes, I eventually dump her with no explanation? Getting dates, for me, is not an easy thing. So just parting ways this early is a lot easier said than done. I would really like to know if other guys notice the same patterns as well...no texting on first dates, eventually texting with an explanation and so on and so on.
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Have you tried just dating men instead? It may take some getting used to at first, but you may find that you never really liked women all along. Society has an unspoken rule that says we never ask someone who they're communicating with if they're texting in our presence. Why do you think that is? But if we get on an elevator, and two people start talking in another language, right in front of us, most Americans consider this to be rude. Why not speak English in our presence. Are you talking about us? I don't know this to be the case for most Americans. I actually find it bizarre to take not understanding a stranger personally. Should I just tell her right there, that I can't keep seeing her if she maintains friendships with men? Actually, you should tell her right away that you have this policy. She has a right to know that you seem to take relationship advice from the Dog Whisperer.
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 oh lord, this old craaap.... We've had 'mobile 'phone' discussions before, and frankly, i am of the considered opinion that both sides can be equally to blame. I used to run a restaurant, and i'll be honest with you - at lunchtimes, probably because it was a work break, and therefore a 'professional' day, the men had far more use of their phones than their female companions - and these were colleagues, girlfriends, wives and even at times, mothers..... and sometimes, they'd spend the whole time they were there - on the 'phone to someone else. Using a mobile 'phone to the extent that the person you're with is excluded from your attention, is just bloody rude, - and men are frequently more guilty than women. Why? Because they think they're entitled to carry on using it, it's important, ot course.... gimme a break.... 1
zengirl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I've been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. Women tell me, if they are able to manipulate their man, they lose attraction. Who are these women that tell you this? Because you don't have any female friends (and don't believe in them) so why would random women just tell you this? This is so confusing to me.
ditzchic Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 It really comes down to this.... If a woman is texting in your presence, short of some kind of legitimate emergency dealing with family or something of the sort, she isn't all that interested in being there in the moment with you. There doesn't need to be any kind of game playing that goes along with it. Take it for what it is. Her mind is elsewhere. If you want to play a game based off of that, so be it. But it's kind of counterproductive.
carhill Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I prefer to view the cell phone dynamic as a canary; an indicator of a person's style. If compatible, that. If other, that. No great mystery to be solved.
FitChick Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 if a guy doesn't like a behavior, and allows it, and doesn't address it, this is also manipulation. That's a definition of "We teach people how to treat us." I never text, don't see the point. 1
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Who are these women that tell you this? Because you don't have any female friends (and don't believe in them) so why would random women just tell you this? This is so confusing to me. It's secondhand knowledge from entrepreneurs that sell information about how to bypass consent using dog-training techniques. Fascinating stuff, really.
zengirl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 It's secondhand knowledge from entrepreneurs that sell information about how to bypass consent using dog-training techniques. Fascinating stuff, really. Seriously? Weird. As to texting on dates, I think it's rude. Granted, I'll text in front of hubby since I'm with hubby A LOT and would have no time to talk or text to anyone if I had to wait till he left the house. But if we're having a "date night" the phone usually stays in my purse still. The OP takes stuff WAY too personally, though.
veggirl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I would be shocked and totally turned off if a guy was texting on a date with me. I would never do that. I will text when I'm with my BF if it is something like giving a friend directions to meet up with us or some such thing, but never just casual conversations, they are always relevent to what I am doing with him. Funny, this conversation actually came up this weekend when we were out. He doesn't text with his friends when we are together either, puts his phone on vibrate.
fishtaco Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Most women will label me as extremely insecure. I am. I hope you know this is not a good trait to have. Maybe you can date an insecure woman, then you'll understand each other. Maybe even take your insecure behaviors toward each other as signs that you are loyal to each other... you restrict her behaviors just like she restrict yours. Hey, a match is a match. Or maybe you can change. Up to you.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 texting on a date is the sign of a rude person, not the sign that someone is manipulating you. And people tend to stop being on their best behavior when they become more familiar.
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