Chiyo Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 3 years ago my ex and I dated for approximately 6 months, followed by a few months of on-and-off that degraded into a cycle of not speaking, hang out, huge fight, repeat. Despite loving him, it was an emotionally abusive relationship, I was in a really bad place in the rest of my life too at the time (emotionally), and we didn't necessarily get into the relationship for all the best reasons. Turns out, he was dating someone long distance the ENTIRE time, before we'd even met, and when we first broke up, he got engaged. He admitted this to me a few months later (during the yo-yo stage in which he frequently instigated the getting back together). Being pretty messed up, and also not knowing how to handle being angry, hating, and loving someone, I was kind of in shock. As we had known, he was moving out of state in one month. In the mental state I was in, I decided the best course of action was to attempt to get myself to a level where I could somewhat forgive him (more myself), by attempting to be friends. I did not intend to speak to him once he left, but hoped that trying to get things to a civil level before then would help me find peace. What happened was a mix of him being a jerk, being a friend, and telling me he loved me more and it was unfortunate things "worked out this way". If this truly helped me process in the best way, I don't know, but that's what I did and what I put up with. Yes, I was in a very dark emotinal place. Yes I think I was pretty stupid too. He left, and I told him I never wanted to speak with him again. I told him I needed to be left alone to heal. He made it 1 day before texting me. After a few reminders to not talk to me, I got sucked into some kind of stupid smalltalk dialogue periodically with him (because I dumbly answered my phone after he would bug me enough times). This rewarded me with lots of "I'm sorrys" and "You were always my best friend" (????) type of groveling. Talking to him made me sick, but I was stupid and answered my phone. To make it worse, if his wife wasn't around, the "I'm unhappy... made a big mistake" and "I love you" talk would come back. My attempts to go back to a NC state were met with tons of begging to be my friend, and general begging and other "polite hello" type texts. Yes... block the number, stupid girl. For the most part, minus the I love you's and the "big mistake" parts, his wife knew he was talking to me (we'll ignore those issues.... not my side of the story...). I did love him. I did miss him. I did feel sickened by the entire situation, and I loathed him and wanted nothing to do with him. At no point did I ever want him back, or want to be his friend. But enforcing the NC rule proved much harder than I anticipated. After months of this, with any dialogue we shared being small talk, him groveling, and the occasional him reminding me that he still loved me and cared about me and wanted me to be happy... to which I would reply he wasn't allowed to talk to me about, and even threatened to tell his wife... finally, I was able to initiate a stronger NC rule. (That is, I was strong enough to enforce it). This one lasted 3 months, until he had a family death, which initiated the attempts to talk to me again. I caved to tell him I was sorry for his loss. Mistake, I am a sucker. He went back to begging me to be his friend, apologizing, blah blah blah. Again I went over the "I really need to not talk to you, don't contact me" speech again. When he contacted me a few weeks later, not only did I repeat myself, but told him I was seeing someone (had just started), and tried the tactic of telling him I really never wanted to speak to him again and I was seeing someone. 6 months later, I found an angry, threatening email in my spam folder from him, accusing me of sending his wife anonymous emails claiming I was sleeping with her husband (I found this ironically amusing all things considered). I did respond, telling him that I had not sent anything of the sort. I reminded him not to contact me any more, and this time told him that if he did send me any further correspondence, I would forward it directly to his wife (I did actually know her email address... it was her name...). I told my now current boyfriend about this, and while he didn't get the forwarding the messages part, he was just supportive of me and otherwise unbothered. A month later, I discoverd another message in my spam - this one a giant apology for "everything" (and probably some "I love you, never appreciated you, blah blah blah".) I told my current boyfriend about it, but I'm pretty sure instead of forwarding it to the wife, I just ignored the whole thing. That was over a year ago. Today I discovered Facebook has this nifty feature where if someone who is not your FB friend sends you a message, it gets stored in this "special" folder that I had never seen before. To my shock and horror, in it were 2 messages from the ex! One from last summer was another apology message, and one from last month was along the lines of, "I know you never want to speak to me again so this is mostly for my own sake, but I'm really sorry for all that I put you through." And then he said he's "realized he never should have gotten married." Clearly, if not already apparent, he's not only into head games hardcore, but also pretty emotionally unstable. I would imagine his most recent contact, and perhaps even the ones before it, are in response to some big fight between him and his wife (that's always been his MO). It's been almost 3 years since he and I broke up... over a year since I even emailed him telling him to leave me alone again. Why is he STILL contacting me? Is this ever going to stop? What's even more concerning to me is my own reaction to this. I do not have any positive feelings for him, I don't miss him, and I seldom think of him. If I do, it's nearly always negative memories, and if it's outrightly bad, it's never good ones. I have never tried to look him up on FB, or been tempted to contact him. I have been happily in a relationship now for nearly 2 years. Yet when I saw his name in my spam folder, it was like taking a knife to the gut. It literally triggered an adrenaline response like nearly running your car into another vehicle. It wasn't anything pleasant, but lots of dread and anxiety. I've told my bf about it, and while he doesn't care about the guy contacting me, he thinks it odd that I should still have such a strong negative reaction. I'm pretty concerned myself. Why do I still react this way? To be sure I've lost the anger and hate I once had, but why do I still have such a strong response that almost feels like a minute-long panic attack? Is this ever going to fully go away?
Exit Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I think when you have feelings for someone, even if the feelings are long dead, it can be a shock to the system when you stumble upon a picture of the person, or see their name, or see that you have an email from them. I don't think it really means anything to have a reaction like that, it's just mental association, your body still reacts based on all the crap he used to put you through. You do still have the ability to put an end to this completely, you can make your Facebook settings so people who aren't your friend can't message you at all, rather than just having their messages sent to a special folder. And you can set up blocks on your email and whatever else. Yes, with today's technology, there are dozens of ways for someone to try to contact you, but there are just as many ways to prevent it from happening. If you are happy with your current relationship and hearing from this guy just causes a panic attack for you, put an end to it for good, to make up for all the times that you answered your phone or replied to him when you knew you shouldn't have. I think the real victim here is his wife, who he is clearly not committed to. Edited March 12, 2012 by Exit
betterdeal Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Why do I still react this way? Self-protection against something that harmed you significantly in the past. In an ideal world you'd be nonchalant, maybe feel a light twinge of pleasure that you're so far away from the place you were when you were involved with him. But let's deal with this world. You have a relationship, and your emotions are geared to protect you and it from something you perceive as a threat. So far, so good. Not perfect, but the end result is good, right? If it really bugs you, change your email address, phone number and the like. Gradually, over time, your fear response may well die down.
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