verhrzn Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I've been going back and forth on this topic for a long time, and I'd love your guys' input on it. I have been pretty good friends with this girl for several years. About three years ago, she broke up with her boyfriend (she'd been dating him for a year.) Within a month, he started dating her roommate. (There may or may not have been cheating.) I was also good friends with him, but took her side because of how poorly he handled the break-up. It's been several years, and my friend's anger towards this ex is still intense. In the year following the break-up, she did several things out of revenge that I didn't agree with: she ostracized people who remained good friends with the ex, and worse yet, told her professors at university what a jerk and cheater her ex was. This was a big deal, because her ex (and the roommate/current gf) were both in the same department, so these were the professors who would write his letters of recommendation. I thought that was very unprofessional and immature, but said nothing out of loyalty. I also distanced myself from her ex. A few months ago, while out with this same friend, we saw the ex at a bar. I tried to be friendly, but my friend immediately made us leave the bar, and stood on the street loudly declaring what an a**hole he was. Thinking back on all of this, I'm ashamed of how I let this behavior go on. Last night, my own ex threw a birthday party and invited our mutual friends, which included this girl (and not me, obviously.) Apparently her ex showed up to the same bar, and went over to greet his old friends. The girl was very cold to him, and then wrote on Facebook how she should have pushed him on the way out, because he's such a jerk, etc. This was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back for me. She has spent three years complaining, both privately and publicly, about her ex. She has turned a lot of our social group against him to the point where he cannot even be friendly (and I admit that I am fully culpable in this.) But what really gets me is the hypocrisy. My ex and I dated for about 3-4 years, and have been broken up for about a year and a half (there was lots of off-on dating.) Towards the end, he became very emotionally abusive. We finally stopped speaking about 6 months ago. My friend knows all of this. And yet I hear from a mutual friend that she and my ex left the bar together. I've had my suspicions that they might be dating, which I am trying to be all right with... But the hypocrisy that she can publicly humiliate her ex, after three years, while dating MY ex, when we dated longer and with how badly he treated me, a supposed friend... I've been debating for a while if I should 1) reach out a hand to renew friendship with her ex, and apologize for the way I've ignored and mistreated him and 2) sit her down and really lay out that I think this behavior is wrong. My question is, am I a disloyal friend to her if I DO reach out to her ex? Do I have any right to tell her her behavior is immature? Should I even bother, or should I just get rid of her as a friend?... Because frankly, her righteous anger really makes me wonder how supportive of a friend she is. On a purely selfish note, I'm also having a lot of problems knowing my ex could be/is dating my friend. It leaves me feeling very confused... and frankly, I can't bare to think how smug and satisfied he must feel, that he not only got a relationship before I did, but it's with my hot and amazing friend. Talk about maximum damage... Anyone been in a similar situation and have pointers?
CC12 Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 frankly, I can't bare to think how smug and satisfied he must feel, that he not only got a relationship before I did, but it's with my hot and amazing friend. Er, your hot and amazing friend is also extremely immature and also kind of nutty, so don't let yourself feel like he's doing better than you are, or anything. It's not a competition, anyway. I'm sure it hurts that your friend might be dating an ex, but really, she's allowed to date whoever she wants and so is he. And they both have a history of treating others badly, so they deserve each other, in a way. I've been debating for a while if I should 1) reach out a hand to renew friendship with her ex, and apologize for the way I've ignored and mistreated him Sure, there would be nothing wrong with you apologizing to him, but consider your true motivation. Is it just to piss of your friend? Because it would be kind of crappy to use him to get back at her. 2) sit her down and really lay out that I think this behavior is wrong. Which part of her behavior would you be addressing? Her dating your ex? In that case, I wouldn't say anything. If you want to let her know, as her friend, that she has let this anger at her ex go on for too long and it's unhealthy, etc, then sure, you can do that. But would it help? Would she be open to hearing about it? Are you really trying to help her, or do you just want to tell her off?
alabaster2 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Talk to her, but gently. It will be for her own good.
zengirl Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 She demonstrated her character in requiring vengeance after the breakup (the ex wasn't a good guy, but neither was she there). We may not want our friends to date or even regularly hang out with our exes without being vengeful, but she went above and beyond that. She sounds deeply selfish. Thus, I'm sure she has a way to justify all of her actions, including her recent actions with your ex (which are wrong but don't surprise me, based on the other descriptions of her). I hate telling someone to dump a friend --- that's up to you --- but I can say that I would not keep such a friend. Personally, I would also speak my mind, rather than just never saying anything about it, and tell her why I could no longer be friends with her. But I'd never have any hope of 'change' with someone whose behavior seemed genuinely and generally selfish. P.S. Was her roommate also her friend at the time? Just wondering. Girls like this often travel in packs, and I don't think it's a healthy pack for someone like you to be in. 2
The Outlaw Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 That's just crazy and immature. You may just want to try talking to her about it first, rather than just walking away from a friendship. If she doesn't want to listen, she may just have to find out for herself.
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