Was I wrong to snoop?

[Diamonds&Rust]

However, I only believe snooping is wrong without just cause.

I don't share that value, or at least I don't define suspicion of infidelity as a just cause for violating privacy.

So excuse me for absolving her from wrong doing since hes an idiot.

It's fine to offer absolution. The question "was I wrong to snoop?" for many will always be answered with "Yes," and I think there are other people here who agree.

Like Ninja said, if he took the gloves off, she shouldnt be criticized for following suit. Why have her end up being hoodwinked for a long period of time?

I think the sentiment expressed here in the snooping-is-wrong camp is that the relationship can be ended without presenting evidence. If you need evidence for a divorce settlement, it's a little bit different; however, if you're just trying to leave, more lies shouldn't stop you from doing so.

Going through a phone is not enough to end a relationship I think.

It's probably enough to end a relationship in many cases. I would not want to feel like my privacy was being invaded in a relationship.

Edited March 12, 2012 by Diamonds&Rust

[lexaton]

I lol'd....good point. People will lie till the death sometimes if you dont have proof of their wrong doing. Im sorry, I dont think guilty parties can get mad about snooping. Only the innocent.

 

If someone drops the gloves and decides to be dishonest, dont expect someone else not to to the same.

 

So your saying him getting mad is because he is innocent??

[kaylan]

I don't share that value, or at least I don't define suspicion of infidelity as a just cause for violating privacy.

This all just the tip of the iceberg. Doesnt matter if this chick is out of state. Who says he cant visit? And who says if shes far away that he isnt talking to other girls? His behavior is so textbook just like Ninja said.

 

It's fine to offer absolution. The question "was I wrong to snoop?" for many will always be answered with "Yes," and I think there are other people here who agree.

I agree its wrong to snoop under certain circumstances. I dont feel this was one of them. Agree to disagree, difference of opinion, yada yada. Its not like Im alone with my opinion.

 

I think the sentiment expressed here in the snooping-is-wrong camp is that the relationship can be ended without presenting evidence. If you need evidence for a divorce settlement, it's a little bit different; however, if you're just trying to leave, more lies shouldn't stop you from doing so.

I agree she should bail if you cant trust him. I personally would have left already because I would find his behavior disrespectful, and giving me reason not to trust is enough reason to leave.

 

So we will see what happens. The guy just sounds hella shady to me, and I hate to see something get played.

[lexaton]

 

It's probably enough to end a relationship in many cases. I would not want to feel like my privacy was being invaded in a relationship.

 

Yeah it might be.. if this sort of thing was on going and I constantly was suspicious of other girls. In this case I am a first time offender and arent relationships about mistakes and growing together?

[serial muse]

Thanks for all the feed back guys!

 

I should have possibly made it clear that this is the kinda guy I never had to question about any of these. He always made is apparent from day one that I am the only girl for him, his best friend and that he'd always want to work things out with me. So I'm really more pissed that he pulled a fast one and was like Peace out on a whim like that, not wanting to discuss anything just be like Later!! Like I am the bad guy who cheated or did something so utterly hurtful there is no going back.

 

I am sorry but I only looked through his phone. Yes it's wrong and I wish I just bluntly asked him what was going on with this girl but I didn't. Going through a phone is not enough to end a relationship I think. Hell if he looked through mine I would be ok with it. Kinda bummed they felt they needed to look but I would go out of my way and do everything I could possible so they would feel fine.

 

Also, this girl is out of state. I do not think there is any cheating but the fact she is still texting him after apparently he doesnt text anything back is beyond me. If I was her and I'm sending text after text with no response I'd get the point. But she still continued which made me believe that he has been texting things back to her still although he said he wouldnt.

 

I think lying to me is bad enough.. But i don't know for a fact he has still spoke to her after all this. His reaction seems like he might have that's why he retaliated like he did. Either way all of this is extremely out of character and I think he really is just trying to be a macho man and have major power.

 

So bottom line there was no penis insertion, just the fact he could be lying about talking to her still and then I went through his phone and admitted it.

 

I think the trouble is that a lot of people can agree that snooping is "wrong" - the question that matters in a relationship is whether its a dealbreaker. For me, personally, it isn't, per se - but it's a very, very bad sign. This is from someone who was cheated on in my previous marriage, was gaslighted but refused to snoop for ages, and then finally broke down and checked his phone. So to me, it was worth it, because I found out what I needed to know to leave the marriage for good.

 

But that's the thing; it rarely ends in anything good. It's always going to be a negative result - either you find out definitively that someone is cheating, or you find out nothing - which could just mean you didn't catch him/her, this time. See what I mean? Think carefully before you go down that rabbit hole; if you're just anxious and suspicious, it's a hard habit to break. The happy-ending stories to snooping are usually from folks like me, who just needed their suspicions confirmed once and for all. If it's a regular thing in your relationship, then that means your relationship is in serious trouble: either your partner is really breaking your trust, or you are really insecure. Either way, it's tearing things apart.

 

Anyway, the key is how you see it, and how your partner sees it. Your BF has drawn a line in the sand, and said that snooping is a dealbreaker for him. You can disagree with him - you clearly do - but you can't change his mind for him about that.

Edited March 12, 2012 by serial muse

[Diamonds&Rust]

In this case I am a first time offender and arent relationships about mistakes and growing together?

Only if you both want them to be. It doesn't sound like he wants that.

[lexaton]

I think the trouble is that a lot of people can agree that snooping is "wrong" - the question that matters in a relationship is whether its a dealbreaker. For me, personally, it isn't, per se - but it's a very, very bad sign. This is from someone who was cheated on in my previous marriage, was gaslighted but refused to snoop for ages, and then finally broke down and checked his phone. So to me, it was worth it, because I found out what I needed to know to leave the marriage for good.

 

But that's the thing; it rarely ends in anything good. It's always going to be a negative result - either you find out definitively that someone is cheating, or you find out nothing - which could just mean you didn't catch him/her, this time. See what I mean? Think carefully before you go down that rabbit hole; if you're just anxious and suspicious, it's a hard habit to break. The happy-ending stories to snooping are usually from folks like me, who just needed their suspicions confirmed once and for all. If it's a regular thing in your relationship, then that means your relationship is in serious trouble: either your partner is really breaking your trust, or you are really insecure. Either way, it's tearing things apart.

 

Anyway, the key is how you see it, and how your partner sees it. Your BF has drawn a line in the sand, and said that snooping is a dealbreaker for him. You can disagree with him - you clearly do - but you can't change his mind for him about that.

 

 

Yeah I just find it really unfair that I have forgiven him so many times for other arguments, never once threatened the relationship because I feel ike everything other then cheating can be worked through and then I fault once and it's like this.

[serial muse]

Yeah I just find it really unfair that I have forgiven him so many times for other arguments, never once threatened the relationship because I feel ike everything other then cheating can be worked through and then I fault once and it's like this.

 

I hear you - but the truth is that I think his defensiveness on this issue with the texts is a genuine red flag for you to pay attention to, too. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise?

[lexaton]

Only if you both want them to be. It doesn't sound like he wants that.

 

But he has said that before. Actually a lot of things he has said yesterday are things I have said to him before except without actually breaking up with him. He reversed it now.

[kaylan]

Yeah I just find it really unfair that I have forgiven him so many times for other arguments, never once threatened the relationship because I feel ike everything other then cheating can be worked through and then I fault once and it's like this.

Like some of us have said before...he feels guilty about something and is flipping things on you.

 

If youve forgiven him for other things and he cant even give you the same, then Id guess hes hiding something.

 

And if by some small chance he wasnt hiding something, would you want to be with someone who couldnt show you any forgiveness when you have shown them forgiveness?

[lexaton]

I hear you - but the truth is that I think his defensiveness on this issue with the texts is a genuine red flag for you to pay attention to, too. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise?

 

 

It may be a blessing in disguise but I don't think it is. I don't think he was cheating. Just being disrespectful to me by not ending complete communication with her.

 

Balls in his court right now. He was super hungover yesterday so hopefully he is thinking more clearly now

[lexaton]

Like some of us have said before...he feels guilty about something and is flipping things on you.

 

If youve forgiven him for other things and he cant even give you the same, then Id guess hes hiding something.

 

And if by some small chance he wasnt hiding something, would you want to be with someone who couldnt show you any forgiveness when you have shown them forgiveness?

 

 

Very well said kaylan. Very true. His colors will show sooner or later. All I can do is be myself and open about what I want and have those boundaries respected. I apoligized for the phone now its his turn to apoligize for flipping out and breaking up with me

[serial muse]

It may be a blessing in disguise but I don't think it is. I don't think he was cheating. Just being disrespectful to me by not ending complete communication with her.

 

Balls in his court right now. He was super hungover yesterday so hopefully he is thinking more clearly now

 

I didn't necessarily mean cheating - more along the lines of what kaylan wrote.

 

In my experience, someone who is genuinely offended and put off by snooping doesn't react in a hot way. Defensiveness is immediate and hot. Someone who feels that the problem is really just snooping would respond more thoughtfully and sadly.

 

So yes, I think he is trying to flip things onto you. Doesn't mean he's cheating, but he was evasive and you fear that he lied. And he is avoiding that discussion by making it all about snooping. Even if he just wants to avoid talking about how he hurt your feelings, it still isn't all about snooping. That's why he won't forgive you for this - he can avoid accepting responsibility for his stuff indefinitely, while he retains the moral high ground.

[lexaton]

I didn't necessarily mean cheating - more along the lines of what kaylan wrote.

 

In my experience, someone who is genuinely offended and put off by snooping doesn't react in a hot way. Defensiveness is immediate and hot. Someone who feels that the problem is really just snooping would respond more thoughtfully and sadly.

 

So yes, I think he is trying to flip things onto you. Doesn't mean he's cheating, but he was evasive and you fear that he lied. And he is avoiding that discussion by making it all about snooping. Even if he just wants to avoid talking about how he hurt your feelings, it still isn't all about snooping. That's why he won't forgive you for this - he can avoid accepting responsibility for his stuff indefinitely, while he retains the moral high ground.

 

 

"He said I never once cheated on you, once been dishonest with you and have not spoke to that girl since you told me not to" Maybe he is telling the truth. But that girl has got to go.

[aj22one]

Look if y'all can't trust each other (you snooping, him allegedly maybe cheating) then what's the point of staying together? Maybe I'm missing something.

[lexaton]

Look if y'all can't trust each other (you snooping, him allegedly maybe cheating) then what's the point of staying together? Maybe I'm missing something.

 

I do trust him. I just went about it wrongly. I'm sure if I asked he would tell me what was up. But I didn't want to bring her up again and really talk about her again which in fact exactly happened but way worse. I never thought me looking through the phone would potentially end the relationship. I really didnt think of the repercussions. haha

[dispatch3d]

Him breaking up with you over that is an overreaction for sure. The texts you were reading were way off regular guy/girl behaviour. At the very minimum the girl is flirting with him a lot and generally girls stop doing that if you don't reciprocate any. The people I know that did **** they shouldn't all the time would flip out when caught as well. Like go way off the wall, accuse you of stuff, I could go on and on.

[Jynxx]

Relationships are not supposed to be hostile, but you only get respect when you give it. The OPs bf is showing her none.

THEN WHY ON EARTH DOES SHE NEED TO SNOOP BEFORE ENDING IT? If her bf shows her 0 respect, why would she only break up with him if he's also cheating on her? She should just break up no matter what.

When people are insinuating that nothings going wrong and that it doesnt seem like he is cheating, I call that defending the guy.

Fair enough. For the record, I'm not defending the guy in any way.

You talk about laws as if investigators never snoop on people with just cause. She had just cause. Again, he took off the gloves, so I dont fault her for what she did.

Hey, I know this guy, and I have very good reason to believe he once committed an illegal act. So it's okay for me to hack his email and read every message sent and received, then?

 

As I've told another poster before, we're not in kindergarten anymore. You can't take the law in your own hands and go play detective when you think someone is lying or is "being shady" about something.

 

Snooping is a no-no, that is why there is no country or government agency or private corporations, that snoops on anyone

Raping is a no-no, then why are there countries where rapists are more or less certain to walk away unpunished when caught?

 

Other people, organisations or governments being morally corrupt are no excuse for you to start being morally corrupt. If anything, we should protest, call them out on their unacceptable behaviour and force them to stop, not lower ourselves to their level.

 

Him breaking up with you over that is an overreaction for sure.

No it's not. This is a textbook example of a dealbreaker. If my partner did something like that to me then there just is no way I'd be able to overlook this and trust her again. And without trust, what's the point?

[kaylan]

THEN WHY ON EARTH DOES SHE NEED TO SNOOP BEFORE ENDING IT? If her bf shows her 0 respect, why would she only break up with him if he's also cheating on her? She should just break up no matter what.

She wanted to know the truth. I dont fault her for that. Btw, all caps does not suit you.

 

Fair enough. For the record, I'm not defending the guy in any way.

Duly noted.

 

Hey, I know this guy, and I have very good reason to believe he once committed an illegal act. So it's okay for me to hack his email and read every message sent and received, then?

What does someone committing an illegal act have to do with your life personally? Are you dating this this man?

 

In OPs case the behavior of the boyfriend is important to her life and directly affects her life. So your little comparison fails. Sorry.

 

As I've told another poster before, we're not in kindergarten anymore. You can't take the law in your own hands and go play detective when you think someone is lying or is "being shady" about something.

Law? This is not law and order buddy. This has to do with her relationship. He was being shady, so I believe she had the right to find out the facts he wouldnt give her.

 

If you dont like my opinion, tough cookies. Get over it.

 

Raping is a no-no, then why are there countries where rapists are more or less certain to walk away unpunished when caught?

 

Other people, organisations or governments being morally corrupt are no excuse for you to start being morally corrupt. If anything, we should protest, call them out on their unacceptable behaviour and force them to stop, not lower ourselves to their level.

Your comparing rape to snooping? Wow...you really are bad with this comparison thing. You really seem to be reaching here.

 

I dont find it morally corrupt to do surveillance for the greater good. If governments need to spy for good reason, like preventing terrorism, then so be it.

 

No it's not. This is a textbook example of a dealbreaker. If my partner did something like that to me then there just is no way I'd be able to overlook this and trust her again. And without trust, what's the point?

Oh wells. You seem unable to recognize the OPs bf trying to shift blame onto her when hes clearly feeling guilty of something. OP is better off with a more trustworthy man who doesnt act sneaky about his correspondence with other women. Edited March 12, 2012 by kaylan

[Jynxx]

She wanted to know the truth. I dont fault her for that.

And what exactly is the point of that? And is it really worth invading someones privacy for that?

What does someone committing an illegal act have to do with your life personally? Are you dating this this man?

 

In OPs case the behavior of the boyfriend is important to her life and directly affects her life. So your little comparison fails. Sorry.

That is bs and you know it, unless you can point out where the line is between things that are important to your life and things that aren't. I'd like to see you try, but until you do and manage to convince me your argument is moot.

 

Law? This is not law and order buddy. This has to do with her relationship. He was being shady, so I believe she had the right to find out the facts he wouldnt give her.

Oh, right, I forgot, when it comes to close relationships all things outside of that become null and void. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll leave you to it then, I'm sure you have more important things to do than arguing on the internet, probably some honor killings in your family or something.

Your comparing rape to snooping? Wow...you really are bad with this comparison thing. You really seem to be reaching here.

For crying out loud, I showed her why her argument is retarded as it absolves more or less any crime and any scummy behaviour, I didn't defend a rapist or anything. If you didn't see that then I'm wasting my time agruing with you, if you did and chose to ignore it to take a cheap shot at me then it worked, you've annoyed me, congratulations.

 

I dont find it morally corrupt to do surveillance for the greater good. If governments need to spy for good reason, like preventing terrorism, then so be it.

Figured. Didn't expect much else from people with your mindset. Hey, as long as it's for the greater good all is acceptable, right?

Oh wells. You seem unable to recognize the OPs bf trying to shift blame onto her when hes clearly feeling guilty of something.

What? Why would any grown man try to shift blame on someone with whom he just ended a relationship? Once dumped there's zero incentive to continue lying to her or trying to guilt her into thinking he didn't cheat, unless you wanted to restart the relationship later at some point or something ridiculous. Being mean to her to look innocent when it doesn't matter anymore would be like kicking someone when they're down. And he didn't, he pointed out she crossed a line that she never should've crossed and maybe she can learn from that and remember to not do that again in future relationships.

Edited March 12, 2012 by Jynxx

[lexaton]

What? Why would any grown man try to shift blame on someone with whom he just ended a relationship? Once dumped there's zero incentive to continue lying to her or trying to guilt her into thinking he didn't cheat, unless you wanted to restart the relationship later at some point or something ridiculous. Being mean to her to look innocent when it doesn't matter anymore would be like kicking someone when they're down. And he didn't, he pointed out she crossed a line that she never should've crossed and maybe she can learn from that and remember to not do that again in future relationships.

 

Actually that's exactly what he did he deflected the original problem so that it was all about me snooping not what it was that I saw and discussing that. We didn't even address the original issue because he was too busy saying how terrible I was for doing that and I didnt trust him or have any faith in us or the relationship.

 

He spoke to me today. Said he over reacted yesterday but still feels insecure about us now because I "was clearly looking for somehing and didnt trust him which makes him wonder if I saw something would i have broken up with him..." He also said it makes him feel ike what we had wasnt good enough or strong enough to believe in him and how he feels about me. So he isnt sure how we can fix that and move forward right now. (He sounds like me a week ago when I origionally was hurt by him texting her)

 

Then I brought up how in all of our arguments I never once threatened the relationship even though I felt very strongly and wronged. Then he said that those sitches were diff to him because we were honest with eachother every second. (it's really that the shoe is on the other foot, he was the one messing up in the past and I had to accept and move on, now roles are switched and he is being fussy)

 

So I had to ask straight up about the girl. Beucase I need answers to move on too. He honestly thought I was lying the whole time about seeing a blank text from her on sat night. and he said that he doesnt remember seeing it because hew as so drunk and must have just deleted it to not talk to her. So now that he knows I saw it and wasn;t lying which was my incentive to checking his phone to begin with I think sees my side more and hopefully understands more where I am coming from.

 

In the mean time I know he needs space to let this digest because guys are so slow and can't process things as fast as women. I do believe him but in order for me to move on he needs to know that I dont want to be with someone who will break up with me in a second and not work things out right away also that he will need to text the girl 'I can't talk to u anymore" and her number must be deleted. Kinda extreme and I hate to do that but she is a prob I do not want to repeat.

[kaylan]

^Your better off, I wouldnt trust the dude. He was just looking for an easy out. Find a more trustworthy guy.

[Yookie]

Am I in the twilight zone?

 

Are all you ladies for real!....all of you...go to my room! now!

 

This guy is clearly cheating from a mans eyes...I mean this is completely text book, he made every red light go off as If you were giving a demonstration in cheating and how not to react when busted.

 

You had suspected something was off, especially on a Friday night and unless you are a super jealous freaky girlfriend...which honestly If you were you would have been smart enough to read his texts when he wasn't there and find out the truth without him having a leg to stand on...yet you are not that girl.

 

You seem like the average trusting, suspicious when alerted by a different or noticeable reaction/pattern that your bf does not typically do and you went ahead and went with your gut feeling, checked his phone and bam, busted his ass red-handed.

 

He got pissed when you found out, so he got all irate and started to turn the tables back on you (couldn't be done better in a tv-series) and acting all defensive and trying to change the topic of conversation to how you shouldn't snoop. Not because you checked his phone but because now he's all panicking because he's not the smooth operate he thought it was while he gave his buddies high fives while telling him how much of a pimp he is, or when he's flexing in the mirror admiring his studlyness.

 

You got him, you busted him. If It wasn't a big deal then he wouldn't reacted this way, in fact the biggest mistake you made was not reading the old texts because that would blown his ass out of the water and that's why he's especially angry, because you came oh so close and he almost got oh so busted and he can't even believe that he left those texts on his phone this whole time so now he's going to delete every single one and defend his phone like a lion and keeping it on lock.

 

I would bet my left nut he's up to something and I wouldn't even worry, I'd be sitting back in a recliner with my hands behind my head without even a .001 sense of worry that I'd lose it...because this guy is a text book cheater, and that girl is NOT a friend.

 

He needs a break now to clean up the mess with this other girl and figure out what he's going to do...or hey, why not make a convenient escape attempt out of this since you still think it's your fault and he can blame you for all of this? perfect!

You really think he didn't know any better? you really think he deleted those texts to prove a point or hide evidence?

 

It's not right to distrust someone in your relationship and snoop through their stuff, but it's not right for a man to cheat either, so when he takes off the gloves why keep yours on?

 

You just better be right...and you were! so your hands are clean in my eyes, you caught him slipping up and he is thanking his lucky stars you didn't found out any more details so he can try and cover this up.

 

This whole post is spot on!!!

 

... especially the bolded

[Ninjainpajamas]

Actually that's exactly what he did he deflected the original problem so that it was all about me snooping not what it was that I saw and discussing that. We didn't even address the original issue because he was too busy saying how terrible I was for doing that and I didnt trust him or have any faith in us or the relationship

 

He's not going to address the original issue, If you were in court and the prosecution brought up strong evidence to prove a point do you think the defense would

 

A) Answer the question, admitting fault and truth and losing the case

 

B) React crazily to derail the evidence as to avoid having to truthfully answer the question

 

Hmm this one is tricky, let me think about this one for a moment!

 

He spoke to me today. Said he over reacted yesterday but still feels insecure about us now because I "was clearly looking for somehing and didnt trust him which makes him wonder if I saw something would i have broken up with him..." He also said it makes him feel ike what we had wasnt good enough or strong enough to believe in him and how he feels about me. So he isnt sure how we can fix that and move forward right now. (He sounds like me a week ago when I origionally was hurt by him texting her)

 

He might as well drive a car with bull**** on the side of it.

 

Really? It makes you insecure why? Hmmm maybe because you almost got busted in a lie, maybe because you almost got caught red-handed in "cheating" which to me the only reason that could have saved you from penis insertion is being out of state...regardless the "cheating" was done with the words and the intent, not necessarily the deed...but hell lexaton, If it makes you sleep better at night!

 

So it makes him feel not good enough because he was up to suspicious behavior? because god-forbid he acknowledge how it would make you feel, no no, lets figure out a way to make me the victim out of all of this, and since you're not able to see through it, you'll actually try to rationalize the bull****...ridiculous!

 

Then I brought up how in all of our arguments I never once threatened the relationship even though I felt very strongly and wronged. Then he said that those sitches were diff to him because we were honest with eachother every second. (it's really that the shoe is on the other foot, he was the one messing up in the past and I had to accept and move on, now roles are switched and he is being fussy)

 

Irrelevant argument because he's just trying to deny, he knows he's not in the right or he's in denial of it, but he's got to figure out a way to confuse your brain.

 

So I had to ask straight up about the girl. Beucase I need answers to move on too. He honestly thought I was lying the whole time about seeing a blank text from her on sat night. and he said that he doesnt remember seeing it because hew as so drunk and must have just deleted it to not talk to her. So now that he knows I saw it and wasn;t lying which was my incentive to checking his phone to begin with I think sees my side more and hopefully understands more where I am coming from.

 

In the mean time I know he needs space to let this digest because guys are so slow and can't process things as fast as women. I do believe him but in order for me to move on he needs to know that I dont want to be with someone who will break up with me in a second and not work things out right away also that he will need to text the girl 'I can't talk to u anymore" and her number must be deleted. Kinda extreme and I hate to do that but she is a prob I do not want to repeat.

 

How about this Lexaton....tell him to give you the phone number to this girl and all of this will be cleared up, you just want to confirm she's a friend and she'll already know about you since of course he's told her he has a gf right?

 

And then this can all be cleared up and everyone will be on the same page

 

You may call guys "slow" because they are too stupid to make half-ass excuses and talk themselves out of hole they dug themselves into...however you can easily call yourself "slow" for not seeing the writing on the wall and what he is actually doing to you when someone is spelling it out for you...but no no, you want to trust him and work out it, well good luck with that, because once a guy goes down this road, usually will do it again once the dust has settled...yes, that's how stupid men are!

 

In my opinion, If you want to trust him again, let's see If he'll give you the number to talk to this girl...then I'll be impressed! But until you find out exactly what's going on, you have no idea what's been going on, and for how long and what his intentions are with this girl. You have no idea where this could have lead, and that's reason not to trust him again right there, period.

 

Oh and another thing Lexaton...If you forgive him easily, he will never respect you the same way again, he will judge you for being a doormat and letting him do this to you...so you better make sure he has to jump through hoops, under barbed-wire, and feels the fire on his ass before you let him back in, you should be dishing it to this guy right now non-stop and If he really loves you and wants to be with you...he should be crying and begging on his knees "no please don't leave me!"

Edited March 13, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[lexaton]

Actually that's exactly what he did he deflected the original problem so that it was all about me snooping not what it was that I saw and discussing that. We didn't even address the original issue because he was too busy saying how terrible I was for doing that and I didnt trust him or have any faith in us or the relationship

 

He's not going to address the original issue, If you were in court and the prosecution brought up strong evidence to prove a point do you think the defense would

 

A) Answer the question, admitting fault and truth and losing the case

 

B) React crazily to derail the evidence as to avoid having to truthfully answer the question

 

Hmm this one is tricky, let me think about this one for a moment!

 

He spoke to me today. Said he over reacted yesterday but still feels insecure about us now because I "was clearly looking for somehing and didnt trust him which makes him wonder if I saw something would i have broken up with him..." He also said it makes him feel ike what we had wasnt good enough or strong enough to believe in him and how he feels about me. So he isnt sure how we can fix that and move forward right now. (He sounds like me a week ago when I origionally was hurt by him texting her)

 

He might as well drive a car with bull**** on the side of it.

 

Really? It makes you insecure why? Hmmm maybe because you almost got busted in a lie, maybe because you almost got caught red-handed in "cheating" which to me the only reason that could have saved you from penis insertion is being out of state...regardless the "cheating" was done with the words and the intent, not necessarily the deed...but hell lexaton, If it makes you sleep better at night!

 

So it makes him feel not good enough because he was up to suspicious behavior? because god-forbid he acknowledge how it would make you feel, no no, lets figure out a way to make me the victim out of all of this, and since you're not able to see through it, you'll actually try to rationalize the bull****...ridiculous!

 

Then I brought up how in all of our arguments I never once threatened the relationship even though I felt very strongly and wronged. Then he said that those sitches were diff to him because we were honest with eachother every second. (it's really that the shoe is on the other foot, he was the one messing up in the past and I had to accept and move on, now roles are switched and he is being fussy)

 

Irrelevant argument because he's just trying to deny, he knows he's not in the right or he's in denial of it, but he's got to figure out a way to confuse your brain.

 

So I had to ask straight up about the girl. Beucase I need answers to move on too. He honestly thought I was lying the whole time about seeing a blank text from her on sat night. and he said that he doesnt remember seeing it because hew as so drunk and must have just deleted it to not talk to her. So now that he knows I saw it and wasn;t lying which was my incentive to checking his phone to begin with I think sees my side more and hopefully understands more where I am coming from.

 

In the mean time I know he needs space to let this digest because guys are so slow and can't process things as fast as women. I do believe him but in order for me to move on he needs to know that I dont want to be with someone who will break up with me in a second and not work things out right away also that he will need to text the girl 'I can't talk to u anymore" and her number must be deleted. Kinda extreme and I hate to do that but she is a prob I do not want to repeat.

 

How about this Lexaton....tell him to give you the phone number to this girl and all of this will be cleared up, you just want to confirm she's a friend and she'll already know about you since of course he's told her he has a gf right?

 

And then this can all be cleared up and everyone will be on the same page

 

You may call guys "slow" because they are too stupid to make half-ass excuses and talk themselves out of hole they dug themselves into...however you can easily call yourself "slow" for not seeing the writing on the wall and what he is actually doing to you when someone is spelling it out for you...but no no, you want to trust him and work out it, well good luck with that, because once a guy goes down this road, usually will do it again once the dust has settled...yes, that's how stupid men are!

 

In my opinion, If you want to trust him again, let's see If he'll give you the number to talk to this girl...then I'll be impressed! But until you find out exactly what's going on, you have no idea what's been going on, and for how long and what his intentions are with this girl. You have no idea where this could have lead, and that's reason not to trust him again right there, period.

 

 

yeah we will see. discussions aren't over. you do make some good points. i do not have any idea where this could lead or could have if they were in the same state. but i didn't see anything more then babe calling so the writing on the wall isn't black and white.

 

and yes ur right. confusion to the brain is what he did. he reacted terribly and did successfully make me feel guilty although him speaking or having her text him is what the issue really is.