lexaton Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Long story short. A week ago I saw my boyfriend get a text from a girl calling him baby and flirting with him on a friday night. He didn't respond because I was sitting right next to him but I asked him about it. He said it was just a friend and I said it's not right to speak that way to any other girl then me. He agreed and said he wont talk to her again and deleted all of his texts. Last night I was with him and saw her name in the more recent people he text messaged. There was not any text I saw. Just her name in the scroll. So he deleted it. But I still felt as though he did text her and then just deleted it, or he got a text from her and deleted it. But there was definately some text from him or her between them yesterday. Today is his birthday and I snooped on his phone. She wrote a message 'happy birthday babe!! hope your having an amazing day' xx.. I am sorry but friends do not kiss kiss friends and call them babe. Esp since my bf says they are more antiquates now. I called him out. He twisted around like I was the bad guy for snooping (which i admitted was terrible and I wish I didnt) and he got so mad that he never adressed the origional issue of the girl and then left saying he needs space and that he cant trust me any more. I think he is being over dramatic and kinda still hiding something. if anything I should be the one who cant trust him. But im willing to work though things and I like to talk things out.
mortensorchid Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Yikes. Technology has made us all a little braver, hasn't it? Well, maybe that's not exactly right to blame technology. After all, when then Model T was invented it gave rise to infidelity, and now the Internet. But then again, how many boughts of infidelity would require the use of a car or telephone? Just about all of them. What I would propose is this: First, apologize for coming across the text messages, say it was an accident or something. Then ask who this woman is. If she really is just a friend then you have nothing to worry about. If it's something else ... Well then you have to ask yourself if you want to still be with this guy.
Jynxx Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I called him out. He twisted around like I was the bad guy for snooping (which i admitted was terrible and I wish I didnt) and he got so mad that he never adressed the origional issue of the girl and then left saying he needs space and that he cant trust me any more. I think he is being over dramatic and kinda still hiding something. if anything I should be the one who cant trust him. But im willing to work though things and I like to talk things out. Well, let's look at it logically. He either was cheating on you or he wasn't. If he was, then you can't trust him, he can't trust you for going through his personal stuff and it would be better to end the relationship. If he wasn't, you've wrongly accused him of something AND went through his personal stuff. So yes, no matter what scenario, you are the bad guy for snooping no matter if he actually did cheat on you or not, and he's totally in the right for not trusting you anymore. Also, you can't both a.admit what you did was terribly wrong and b.not understand someone getting mad about it. If you really realised snooping was wrong then you would understand why it is the end of the relationship for him. 1
FitChick Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 since my bf says they are more antiquates now. Do you mean elderly? 1
FrustratedStandards Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 You are being dramatic, jealous and insecure. I call everyone babe, doesn't mean i'm having an affair with every guy I call by that name. Geez. YOU are the reason men are so messed up these days. And to answer your question, YES, you are always wrong to snoop. It's a breach of privacy. I would dump you right away too. That's ridiculous. 1
CC12 Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 he got so mad that he never adressed the origional issue of the girl and then left saying he needs space and that he cant trust me any more. But he already addressed the issue when you brought it up previously. I like to talk things out. That's not what you did in this case, though. You didn't believe him so you went behind his back and snooped. He has every right to be angry at you, especially since you chose to "call him out" on his birthday. I think you've handled this badly. He told you he wouldn't talk to her anymore. It's possible that she's still texting him and he's ignoring her, which is the resolution you were fine with before. If you trust him, then give him the benefit of the doubt and believe what he tells you. If you can't/won't believe him, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. 2
SmileFace Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Now this is why I end all friendships with guys when he is in a relationship.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Am I in the twilight zone? Are all you ladies for real!....all of you...go to my room! now! This guy is clearly cheating from a mans eyes...I mean this is completely text book, he made every red light go off as If you were giving a demonstration in cheating and how not to react when busted. You had suspected something was off, especially on a Friday night and unless you are a super jealous freaky girlfriend...which honestly If you were you would have been smart enough to read his texts when he wasn't there and find out the truth without him having a leg to stand on...yet you are not that girl. You seem like the average trusting, suspicious when alerted by a different or noticeable reaction/pattern that your bf does not typically do and you went ahead and went with your gut feeling, checked his phone and bam, busted his ass red-handed. He got pissed when you found out, so he got all irate and started to turn the tables back on you (couldn't be done better in a tv-series) and acting all defensive and trying to change the topic of conversation to how you shouldn't snoop. Not because you checked his phone but because now he's all panicking because he's not the smooth operate he thought it was while he gave his buddies high fives while telling him how much of a pimp he is, or when he's flexing in the mirror admiring his studlyness. You got him, you busted him. If It wasn't a big deal then he wouldn't reacted this way, in fact the biggest mistake you made was not reading the old texts because that would blown his ass out of the water and that's why he's especially angry, because you came oh so close and he almost got oh so busted and he can't even believe that he left those texts on his phone this whole time so now he's going to delete every single one and defend his phone like a lion and keeping it on lock. I would bet my left nut he's up to something and I wouldn't even worry, I'd be sitting back in a recliner with my hands behind my head without even a .001 sense of worry that I'd lose it...because this guy is a text book cheater, and that girl is NOT a friend. He needs a break now to clean up the mess with this other girl and figure out what he's going to do...or hey, why not make a convenient escape attempt out of this since you still think it's your fault and he can blame you for all of this? perfect! You really think he didn't know any better? you really think he deleted those texts to prove a point or hide evidence? It's not right to distrust someone in your relationship and snoop through their stuff, but it's not right for a man to cheat either, so when he takes off the gloves why keep yours on? You just better be right...and you were! so your hands are clean in my eyes, you caught him slipping up and he is thanking his lucky stars you didn't found out any more details so he can try and cover this up. 11
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Well, let's look at it logically. He either was cheating on you or he wasn't. If he was, then you can't trust him, he can't trust you for going through his personal stuff and it would be better to end the relationship. If he wasn't, you've wrongly accused him of something AND went through his personal stuff. So yes, no matter what scenario, you are the bad guy for snooping no matter if he actually did cheat on you or not, and he's totally in the right for not trusting you anymore. This is all totally true. The answer to your question about whether what you did was wrong is yes. Handling your boundaries in the future like an adult is well within your reach, however. You almost had it with calling him out on his behavior to begin with. It sounded like you also knew he was acting shady before you snooped. Lesson learned, maybe?
CC12 Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Am I in the twilight zone? Are all you ladies for real!....all of you...go to my room! now! Why are you so incredulous at the replies? The question was, "Was I wrong to snoop?" You answered the same way everyone else did: It's not right to distrust someone in your relationship and snoop through their stuff
tigressA Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I totally agree with Ninjainpajamas. He is pissed because you busted him. When I snooped in my last relationship he didn't get upset with me; he was very calm and understanding. This was because he had nothing to hide. If your boyfriend was innocent of wrongdoing, he would want to assuage your fears instead of immediately trying to make you feel guilty. Yes, it's wrong to snoop. But your boyfriend certainly is guilty of cheating. 2
kaylan Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) OP...your bf is a lying (and probably cheatng) sack of crap. Dump him. He gave you very good reason to snoop and I dont think you should feel bad for it at all! Hes trying to attack you since he got caught red handed. Screw that noise. Leave the fool. I totally agree with Ninjainpajamas. He is pissed because you busted him. When I snooped in my last relationship he didn't get upset with me; he was very calm and understanding. This was because he had nothing to hide. If your boyfriend was innocent of wrongdoing, he would want to assuage your fears instead of immediately trying to make you feel guilty. Yes, it's wrong to snoop. But your boyfriend certainly is guilty of cheating. Is it weird that Id find be happy and upset at the same time if a girlfriend of mine snooped? Happy because to me it would show me she cared about the relationship. I mean in my eyes it a bit cute that she wanted to make sure everything was ok and have me all to herself. I would think to myself "awww silly...u know youre my one girl...and no one else" But at the same time Id wonder what I did to make her insecure...and I dont want someone to be always going through my stuff. Id want her to be able to trust I am loyal and honest with her. Im super duper faithful too, so Id imagine something was really wrong for her to snoop on me. btw...I cant help but say you are damn photogenic. Edited March 12, 2012 by kaylan
JesseJames Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I don't see a problem with said snooping if there was good suspicion of brazen conjecture with an ex or evidence. I'd say you had. Several texts and calling him babe? If that isn't flirting, then I don't know what is. It's not like you went through his lock box. It almost sounds like she was the one being a nosy bitch. What is messing dudes up is.... Maturity.... not being lady-like...politeness... it's what we've been craving for decades. The boomers... nnnno. The xers... hell no. Shouldn't be long until many of you get depressed, overweight, and ready for yet another career change. Oh wait, that's already here. It seems so many are preparing for the hole at fifty. If a chick could put her thinking cap on for a day, she would see men and life in a much different light. Many dudes have to be totally responsive, and acquiesce to the women these days in their pursuit of greater life prospects. That's not good. Abortions, in vitro, misandry, suppression and lots more to that list is what we get. And then what do you get? Pissed off girly puppets that get upset and overly defensive over what should be nothing, but is because of the lack of maturity and the other nasty things that I listed. If you think I'm generalizing, I'm not. I'm reading this dude's mind. And yours. And yours too, fag.
kaylan Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) You are being dramatic, jealous and insecure. I call everyone babe, doesn't mean i'm having an affair with every guy I call by that name. Geez. YOU are the reason men are so messed up these days. And to answer your question, YES, you are always wrong to snoop. It's a breach of privacy. I would dump you right away too. That's ridiculous. I only call my girlfriends babe. I will call my female friends hun though. Pet names aside, if hes hiding and deleting text messages that come from another woman, hes obviously got something to hide. Im with Ninja on this....and the folks jumping on the OP and defending the bf are obviously the kind of people who easily have wool pooled over their eyes. Partners like her bf would cheat on you with the greatest of ease and youd never be the wiser. Dont be so naive guys. Edited March 12, 2012 by kaylan 3
Lolita_Sky Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Yeah I agree with NinjaPajamas and Kaylan. He's cheating he's displaying all of the signs. Trust me I've been through the same exact thing. My ex was like this and when I called him out on it his whole demeanor changed. He stormed out of the room.....with his cell phone in hand. When you see the signs in the beginning its always best to end the relationship, because they will eventually.
SadGrl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Your guy is a cheater and he will give you STD's! brake up with him and nomore sex with this guy ever!
oaks Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I am sorry but friends do not kiss kiss friends and call them babe. Some people just talk (write) like this to their friends.
zengirl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Seems suspicious, but I don't know that I can go so far as to be sure he's cheating (I don't know the guy or the way he normally talks/texts to his friends). Definitely seems like he's crossed some boundaries. Regardless, it's always 'wrong' to snoop. That doesn't change depending on whether you find what you're looking for or not.
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 What is messing dudes up is.... Maturity.... not being lady-like...politeness... it's what we've been craving for decades. The boomers... nnnno. The xers... hell no. Shouldn't be long until many of you get depressed, overweight, and ready for yet another career change. Oh wait, that's already here. It seems so many are preparing for the hole at fifty. If a chick could put her thinking cap on for a day, she would see men and life in a much different light. Many dudes have to be totally responsive, and acquiesce to the women these days in their pursuit of greater life prospects. That's not good. Abortions, in vitro, misandry, suppression and lots more to that list is what we get. And then what do you get? Pissed off girly puppets that get upset and overly defensive over what should be nothing, but is because of the lack of maturity and the other nasty things that I listed. If you think I'm generalizing, I'm not. I'm reading this dude's mind. And yours. And yours too, fag. huh? ....and the folks jumping on the OP and defending the bf are obviously the kind of people who easily have wool pooled over their eyes. Partners like her bf would cheat on you with the greatest of ease and youd never be the wiser. Dont be so naive guys. It's not naive to point out that you didn't need to snoop to tell he's cheating. It's also not defending the bf to point out that it's wrong to snoop.
Jynxx Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 It's not right to distrust someone in your relationship and snoop through their stuff, but it's not right for a man to cheat either, so when he takes off the gloves why keep yours on? Because relationships aren't supposed to be a hostile thing maybe? Because she would sleep better at night knowing she didn't deserve a cheater and she's better than him than knowing he cheated and she snooped so it's not even clear who has the best ethics? You either trust someone or you don't. If you do then you don't need to snoop, if you don't then you should end it so snooping is useless anyway. Im with Ninja on this....and the folks jumping on the OP and defending the bf are obviously the kind of people who easily have wool pooled over their eyes. Partners like her bf would cheat on you with the greatest of ease and youd never be the wiser. Dont be so naive guys. This isn't about defending her boyfriend at all. In fact, reread the thread an you'll see that not a single poster did defend him. This is about pointing out how her behaviour is unjustifiable regardless of her boyfriends behaviour. When I snooped in my last relationship... ... Yes, it's wrong to snoop. But your boyfriend certainly is guilty of cheating. So if you think someone is guilty of doing something wrong you can do something wrong too to try and prove your point? You're not in kindergarten anymore, grow up. There are laws against this, and for a very good reason. 1
aj22one Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Yeah snooping is a no-no. If you suspect something how about having a conversation about it? Then, if you're not satisfied with the answers you get or are still unhappy with the situation then you can decide whether or not you want the relationship to continue. Spying though is just not ok. It's not ok when the police and government do it and it's not ok when individuals do it.
SadGrl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Snooping is a no-no, that is why there is no country or government agency or private corporations, that snoops on anyone
kaylan Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) huh? It's not naive to point out that you didn't need to snoop to tell he's cheating. It's also not defending the bf to point out that it's wrong to snoop. Im saying its naive to assume the boyfriend isnt up to something like earlier posters have done. However, I only believe snooping is wrong without just cause. He stupidly had texts coming in from another woman right in his girlfriends face. So excuse me for absolving her from wrong doing since hes an idiot. Like Ninja said, if he took the gloves off, she shouldnt be criticized for following suit. Why have her end up being hoodwinked for a long period of time? Snooping is a no-no, that is why there is no country or government agency or private corporations, that snoops on anyone I lol'd....good point. People will lie till the death sometimes if you dont have proof of their wrong doing. Im sorry, I dont think guilty parties can get mad about snooping. Only the innocent. If someone drops the gloves and decides to be dishonest, dont expect someone else not to to the same. Edited March 12, 2012 by kaylan
Author lexaton Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Thanks for all the feed back guys! I should have possibly made it clear that this is the kinda guy I never had to question about any of these. He always made is apparent from day one that I am the only girl for him, his best friend and that he'd always want to work things out with me. So I'm really more pissed that he pulled a fast one and was like Peace out on a whim like that, not wanting to discuss anything just be like Later!! Like I am the bad guy who cheated or did something so utterly hurtful there is no going back. I am sorry but I only looked through his phone. Yes it's wrong and I wish I just bluntly asked him what was going on with this girl but I didn't. Going through a phone is not enough to end a relationship I think. Hell if he looked through mine I would be ok with it. Kinda bummed they felt they needed to look but I would go out of my way and do everything I could possible so they would feel fine. Also, this girl is out of state. I do not think there is any cheating but the fact she is still texting him after apparently he doesnt text anything back is beyond me. If I was her and I'm sending text after text with no response I'd get the point. But she still continued which made me believe that he has been texting things back to her still although he said he wouldnt. I think lying to me is bad enough.. But i don't know for a fact he has still spoke to her after all this. His reaction seems like he might have that's why he retaliated like he did. Either way all of this is extremely out of character and I think he really is just trying to be a macho man and have major power. So bottom line there was no penis insertion, just the fact he could be lying about talking to her still and then I went through his phone and admitted it.
kaylan Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Because relationships aren't supposed to be a hostile thing maybe? Because she would sleep better at night knowing she didn't deserve a cheater and she's better than him than knowing he cheated and she snooped so it's not even clear who has the best ethics? You either trust someone or you don't. If you do then you don't need to snoop, if you don't then you should end it so snooping is useless anyway.You misquoted here. Ninja was the first one to say the gloves quote, but I will respond anyways. Relationships are not supposed to be hostile, but you only get respect when you give it. The OPs bf is showing her none. This isn't about defending her boyfriend at all. In fact, reread the thread an you'll see that not a single poster did defend him. This is about pointing out how her behaviour is unjustifiable regardless of her boyfriends behaviour. When people are insinuating that nothings going wrong and that it doesnt seem like he is cheating, I call that defending the guy. So if you think someone is guilty of doing something wrong you can do something wrong too to try and prove your point? You're not in kindergarten anymore, grow up. There are laws against this, and for a very good reason.He is being shady. "Babe" texts from other people, swift deleting of messages, and being secretive about their cellphone while at the same time having the crap right in his girlfriends face...all super shady. You talk about laws as if investigators never snoop on people with just cause. She had just cause. Again, he took off the gloves, so I dont fault her for what she did. When someone starts acting completely out of character thats a very bad sign.
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