BF communicating with ex-girlfriend

[gritz1]

My boyfriend and I have had a rocky time with my jealously and suspicions and his flirtatious nature. In the first few months of dating there was minor indiscretion on his part as he hooked up with an ex-girlfriend. I can't confirm sex but I do know there was heavy petting.

 

We've been living together for a couple of years and each time there have been "unsafe" or disrespectful situations, he seems dedicated to work on not repeating his actions. A few these situations have been:

 

1. A new female friend of his was depressed about her dating life and needed reassurance and attention of men. She would seek him out whenever he was out socializing and have 2-3 hour conversations with him. I walked up behind them during one of these conversations when he was hugging her and then he gave her a peck on the mouth and told her that if he wasn't with me he would definitely date her. (I told him this was hurtful for me to hear this and that he was getting her hopes up and hugging her like that in public was uncomfortable for me as friends that observed this asked me if I was okay.)

2. I found that he was texting a new acquaintance late at night flirting and complimenting her on how pretty, witty and smart she is. She asked him several times if I was okay with their conversations and he told her I was when I didn't know anything about them. (I told him this is inappropriate behavior and is a form of emotional cheating and can lead a woman to believe that he is not in a committed relationship. Most importantly, the attention he was showering on her is attention that should be directed at me.)

3. At a surprise birthday party I threw for him, he was in the pool with a gal spooning with him and his arms around her. (I asked him if I could speak with him and told him this doesn't look good, is inappropriate and made me feel uncomfortable.)

4. He went to a mutual girlfriend's home late at night alone and very drunk. They'd been publicly touchy-feely with each other in the past quite a bit. He didn't tell me about it and I had to track him down and find out that he "fell asleep on the couch." (I told him that he was putting himself in a precarious situation with his challenged judgment and inhibitions.)

 

As far as I know nothing else seriously physical has occurred with anyone else. Most recently I"m presented with a new situation and I don't know what to do.

 

A little over a year ago his college girlfriend invited him to her wedding, then started contacting to ask whether he would be attending. She told him that she wanted to be sure that whatever they had was over before she married this man and she thought she would only know if she saw him one last time. He asked me about us going to the wedding and I told him that I thought it was inappropriate and not fair to her new husband. He hadn't seen her in 10 years and this was not a wedding that qualified us traveling to attend it.

 

This ex-girlfriend recently reached out to him because she has a work training to schedule and chose our town so she could also visit him. They've texted and talked a couple of times and she booked her hotel. He hasn't told me about any of this, so when I found out I Facebook stalked her and realized she divorced less than a year later.

 

I'm not sure what to do with this information. On one hand I feel like I need to let him see her because we may deal with his "what if" for the rest of our lives. On the other hand, I may need to squash this now so he has to commit to me being the one.

 

Help?

[wild wolf]

So, your boyfriend chats, flirts and tells other women that if he was single, he'd be with them? You man is not exclusive to you and is disrespecting you in so many ways. Especially the fact that he never tells you about these women until you "track him down".

 

I would leave this boy ASAP. Do you want to deal with the questioning for the rest of your life? You shouldn't have to wonder. And the whole situation with the ex is inappropriate. I had a male friend who I had a past with and was one of my best friends but once my relationship with my bf became serious the communication was no longer appropriate.

 

It is up to you to decide how much you want to deal with. I say get out now and find someone who is 100% committed to your relationship.

[shayla]

Disrespectful and inappropriate on several levels. You are so much nicer to him than he deserves. That little scene in the pool should have gotten him fired and fast.

 

You do not have to tell a grown as* man that he is disrespecting you by spooning with another woman in a pool or any of these other situations. If he cannot treat you any better than this, he is not worth your time.

 

Throw that one back, kick that one to the curb, whatever metaphor you wanna use....just get rid of him!!!

[Diamonds&Rust]

Your boyfriend is behaving like a 12 year old.

 

Also, please don't talk about the rest of your life being spent with somebody who does not behave appropriately in a monogamous relationship. You can do better.

 

You can do better.

 

Don't let him talk you into being his girlfriend anymore. He has not yet learned how to keep one. All five of your scenarios are troubling, it's amazing you've been so reasonable about them.

 

Also, reconsider being friends with any gal who is aware of your relationship but acts as though it's not an issue to be intimate with your boyfriend.

[minnie2]

You may be suspicious and jealous by nature, but it doesn't seem to me that you are overreacting to what he's doing. Not only the new situation, but also what happened before, the situations with the ex hook-up partners, and seducing other girls. It's not your imagination, you SAW or FOUND OUT what actually happened, and if I were you, there is no way I would trust him. But if you really want to be with him despite all that he did, and you want him to be faithful to you... Well, it's not impossible, but I suggest every form of stocking that you can think of. He deserved it.

[stillafool]

Why are you still with this Loser? At this point you can't be angry with him anymore but yourself. You have to ask yourself if this is the kind of treatment you want and deserve. It is up to you to make a move to make yourself happy, not him.

[Bluebelle38]

Open your eyes, for God's sake.

 

I can't believe you even want to stay with him. He has totally disrespected you countless times...

 

You seem to think he is some prized catch because he has all these women, but I doubt any of them would put up with him if he behaved like this in a relationship with them.

 

He is not ready to commit, far from it.

 

Cut your losses and get out before this gets worse... and it will because he has absolutely no self control and doesn't care less about how much a fool he makes of you.

 

[RiverRunning]

#1 is all you need to break up with him. Geez, I left my ex because he was still in contact with an ex-girlfriend (there was more to it than that, like...the fact that he obviously wasn't over her for about 2 years into our relationship, and nearly 4 years after she left him). And thank God they were a long-distance couple, so he never actually saw her during our relationship! But that crap sticks with you. It's not OK for him to be talking to his exes...especially when they're the meddlesome sort like this who want to make 'sure' the relationship is done and over with BEFORE THEY HEAD TO THE ALTAR TO MARRY ANOTHER MAN?! wtf, is this the Twilight Zone or something? 4 srs here?

 

 

He's flirting with other girls, cheating on you, and even telling others that he'd date them if he weren't with you. On the latter, sure, he may have been trying to cheer his buddy up ("See, someone will date you!"). But it's still nothing I'd ever say to another dude when I'm with my boyfriend. It's not appropriate, regardless of the intent behind it. ESPECIALLY when there are already so many other insecurities in the relationship.

 

I think the only way this one can survive, OP, is if you have a very serious talk and lay out the ground rules: no more contact with the exes, ever again. No more flirting with other women. No more holding other women, heavy petting, etc. No. Contact. Explain how much it hurts you. The passive-aggressive side of me even says, "Get in contact with one of your ex-boyfriends and see how HE likes it."

 

In my case, I didn't even need to get an ex involved. A guy I worked with was head-over-heels for me and my ex was so jealous he couldn't stand it (despite me reassuring him I felt nothing at all for the guy). Within a few months, he had dropped talking to his ex altogether, threw out pictures of her, etc. It was all well and dandy to sit and call me 'jealous' until he had his poop pile thrown back in his face. Unfortunately for my ex, it was too little, too late.

 

In your case, your boyfriend would probably just dump you and go on his merry little way. After all, he's got 100 other women to choose from by now probably. Why would he need you? He's shown over and over again how little respects you and how many options he has.

 

If he's at all resistant to your terms, you have your answer and it's time to leave. If he's willing to see your side of things, I think several things need to happen - i.e., at least for a little while, you need passwords to his social networking sites, access to his phone to check his texts, etc. After violating your trust numerous times as he has, he owes it to YOU to earn trust from you again. He's the one who violated YOU - so he doesn't just get to say, "Oops, sorry, ok, trust me now." Doesn't work that way. And if he's not willing to do that for you - again, I think you have your answer: this relationship is dead, dead, dead.

[flyaway]

Your boyfriend is literally a wandering penis, looking for another hole to stick himself into. Please, unless you enjoy the idea of getting STDs or getting your heart broken, leave this guy.