Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I met a guy almost 4 years ago. He was not a guy I would have noticed in a crowd. He and a guy he had been talking to approached my friend and I at a bar. He was extremely intelligent, successful, and British - and also married. Initially this was not problem for me because for one he was there on a business trip and was talking to me about how to get into his company, and he had only been married a week and spoke of his wife adoringly. Fast forward through many business trips over the years where he would meet up with me and my friends and go out whenever he would be in town. I was extremely flattered most of his attention was on me. I told him some very personal things over the years and he heard of every fallen relationship. I heard stories of his childhood, and celebrated the pregnancy of his wife and subsequent births of two children. We flirted a bit but I thought it was harmless but in July it took a turn and we kissed. Last week we saw each other again and I admit I had been fantasizing about it for a while. We slept together and now I cannot stop thinking about how hurtful and awful of a thing it was to do, but I also lost some respect for him. And I am very hurt. He is still in town but was too busy to see me and said he would call me at the end of April when he came over again. I couldn't handle it and I said goodbye to him to his work email today and removed him from facebook. Any emails he writes to my email will be bounced and permanently deleted unless they contain the words "regret, sorry, apologize or apologise". I wish I could delete that part but part of me still wants to hold on just for those words. I am very sad and I am going to miss him. Why do men cheat on the wives they love? I romanticized and thought maybe we had such intense chemistry that it could not be denied. But now I see it wasn't that at all or he would have seen me again this week.. How do I get over a guy I didn't realize I cared so much for? I cried today over this. I think I have been falling in love with him unknowingly over the years.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I met a guy almost 4 years ago. He was not a guy I would have noticed in a crowd. He and a guy he had been talking to approached my friend and I at a bar. He was extremely intelligent, successful, and British - and also married. Initially this was not problem for me because for one he was there on a business trip and was talking to me about how to get into his company, and he had only been married a week and spoke of his wife adoringly. Fast forward through many business trips over the years where he would meet up with me and my friends and go out whenever he would be in town. I was extremely flattered most of his attention was on me. I told him some very personal things over the years and he heard of every fallen relationship. I heard stories of his childhood, and celebrated the pregnancy of his wife and subsequent births of two children. We flirted a bit but I thought it was harmless but in July it took a turn and we kissed. Last week we saw each other again and I admit I had been fantasizing about it for a while. We slept together and now I cannot stop thinking about how hurtful and awful of a thing it was to do, but I also lost some respect for him. And I am very hurt. He is still in town but was too busy to see me and said he would call me at the end of April when he came over again. I couldn't handle it and I said goodbye to him to his work email today and removed him from facebook. Any emails he writes to my email will be bounced and permanently deleted unless they contain the words "regret, sorry, apologize or apologise". I wish I could delete that part but part of me still wants to hold on just for those words. I am very sad and I am going to miss him. Why do men cheat on the wives they love? I romanticized and thought maybe we had such intense chemistry that it could not be denied. But now I see it wasn't that at all or he would have seen me again this week.. How do I get over a guy I didn't realize I cared so much for? I cried today over this. I think I have been falling in love with him unknowingly over the years. Ewww. Ewww. Triple Ewwww. That bastard used you. Maybe you are in love with the idea of him. He has a wife and kids. They are his priority. If you keep going that route with him, he will spend all his holidays with his family while you are waiting for him to steal moments. He will lie to them, yes, the kids will be affected if they aren't already and I am pretty sure you are not his first fling. Please, you need to heal from this fraud of a man. He is disgusting.
cerridwen Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I am very sad and I am going to miss him. Why do men cheat on the wives they love? I romanticized and thought maybe we had such intense chemistry that it could not be denied. But now I see it wasn't that at all or he would have seen me again this week.. How do I get over a guy I didn't realize I cared so much for? I cried today over this. I think I have been falling in love with him unknowingly over the years. What may be helpful is continuing to question/doubt/deconstruct the romantic notion above. How much was projection? What did you think, that actually never was? Stripping away the idealized, what are the facts? The reality is becoming more and more apparent to you as the fantasy falls away. While hurtful, it's also valuable in that it's potentially freeing. Again, resist romanticizing and fantasizing. It's hard but try to keep sight of the facts. A wife and children are involved. He is a married man with seemingly no intention to leave his wife. Deception, disillusionment, pain, are all part of this picture, and it's not often that things turn out well under such circumstances. Take a lot of space. I wouldn't recommend you accept ANY email from him while your vision clears. It will only serve to muddle it. Keep questioning your prior fantasies and consider accepting an alternate truth of what this is, who he is, and where you find yourself. 1
Author Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Ewww. Ewww. Triple Ewwww. That bastard used you. Maybe you are in love with the idea of him. He has a wife and kids. They are his priority. If you keep going that route with him, he will spend all his holidays with his family while you are waiting for him to steal moments. He will lie to them, yes, the kids will be affected if they aren't already and I am pretty sure you are not his first fling. Please, you need to heal from this fraud of a man. He is disgusting. My best friend said the same thing - that I was not the first fling.. I honestly never once thought I would be trying to steal him away, I just wanted to feel good about myself. He is the smartest man I have ever known, the most successful, most social, truly awesome person. I made him my benchmark for relationships. I started judging guys against him - that it wasn't so much height, body build, or hair style that mattered (he was lacking in each of these), but that there was genuine interest in personality and that "feel good" feeling that I had being around him. I don't think I have ever admired someone like I did him. That is what hurts too - that he has fallen in my eyes..and thus my opinion of myself has fallen too. I thought I must not be so bad if someone like him wanted to spend time with me and risk everything he had to be with me!
Author Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 What may be helpful is continuing to question/doubt/deconstruct the romantic notion above. How much was projection? What did you think, that actually never was? Stripping away the idealized, what are the facts? The reality is becoming more and more apparent to you as the fantasy falls away. While hurtful, it's also valuable in that it's potentially freeing. Again, resist romanticizing and fantasizing. It's hard but try to keep sight of the facts. A wife and children are involved. He is a married man with seemingly no intention to leave his wife. Deception, disillusionment, pain, are all part of this picture, and it's not often that things turn out well under such circumstances. Take a lot of space. I wouldn't recommend you accept ANY email from him while your vision clears. It will only serve to muddle it. Keep questioning your prior fantasies and consider accepting an alternate truth of what this is, who he is, and where you find yourself. Thank you, I believe beginning this process you described is what has stopped me from becoming his mistress. During our evening together he made it clear there would be times in the future again where we would meet. It was exciting and sexy to think about in that moment. But over the last week, I realized I am not cut out to be "the other woman". I am too insecure in myself and I need more control of things. I don't like the idea of some guy just calling whenever HE feels like it. Finding the truth of who he really is ...that is very heart breaking because I thought he hung the moon. I only felt sorry for him at first that he couldn't be faithful in his marriage. I wish I could turn back time and not have met him out this time when I was in a fragile place mentally. It is his friendship that I am going to miss. I can't help but ask myself though - was this his intent all along?? Did he wait for 4 years to score???
cerridwen Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I can't help but ask myself though - was this his intent all along?? Did he wait for 4 years to score??? It's sad, and telling, that you can't ask this question of him and know you're getting an honest answer. Feel better soon. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 It's sad, and telling, that you can't ask this question of him and know you're getting an honest answer. Feel better soon. I am pretty sure he didn't have to wait 4 years for anything. Guys like this prey on what they perceive as vulnerable/easy to get to. He charmed you, you took the bait. Guys like that hold fish hooks and go 'heeeere, fishy, fishy!!!". Sadly nice gals like us take the bait and we are hooked. What a smooth talker he is. I feel awful for his wife and kids. She probably thinks he's a great guy, too.
Author Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 I couldn't even fool myself with the email system. It didn't work. I signed in today and the bounce message was up on my screen like it tried to send it to him but failed. But the email was deleted from Outlook, permanently. Unfortunately or Fortunately (however I choose to look at it in the moment) I remembered I could sign into the webmail version of the email and get it. So I did. After 20 minutes I finally read it. Here is what it said. Keep in mind he is an executive with a very well known huge company and is probably trying to be a little vague too. "OK. I thought it might be coming to this. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this. Like I said don’t over analyse, but I certainly don’t want you to feel bad about anything. I’m happy to stay friends and give you a call if I’m in town but if that doesn’t work I’ll respect your decision."
cerridwen Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 "OK. I thought it might be coming to this. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this. Like I said don’t over analyse, but I certainly don’t want you to feel bad about anything. I’m happy to stay friends and give you a call if I’m in town but if that doesn’t work I’ll respect your decision." Well. Those sentences must make you feel extremely special. /sarcasm Brutal.
Author Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 I don't know what to think. I wish I could have just kept my friend. Why did we have to kiss in July?? He called me 3 times since then and I couldn't make plans/avoided plans with him for that reason. I knew the danger. This time I took a friend with me, but the minute she left we were making out like teenagers in a doorway outside of the pub. Soooo stupid. If I had any self control at all, we could have stayed drinking buddies.
Kamila Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Once you cross the line with a buddy, that's it, it's very difficult to go back to where you were, just friends. It's sad, but that's the risk you both took when you crossed the line. I would try to go no contact on him and don't let his pity mail fool you. He's playing the fake victim here ...
Ariadne Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 "OK. I thought it might be coming to this. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this. Like I said don’t over analyse, but I certainly don’t want you to feel bad about anything. I’m happy to stay friends and give you a call if I’m in town but if that doesn’t work I’ll respect your decision." Translation: He is putting the hook back at you. With the "let's be friends" "call you when in town" "respect your decision" He knows that you are very attracted to him, and now after having sex you are in. Well, good luck with this. See what you do (but see, you didn't even resist reading his email). My take is you are going to resume the friendly conversations and have the affair when he is in business travel away from the wife. (Hopefully not but..). Mollyanna, your life still as complicated as before. Nice to see you around again.
EgoJoe Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 You are not without blame OP. Hold yourself accountable if you can.
Author Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Mollyanna, your life still as complicated as before. Nice to see you around again. Hi Ariadne. Good to see you too. Nah, my life has been pretty good for the last few years and not so complicated.. guess it couldn't last that way forever... Yeah I think he will call too. I fixed the email problem so it should now delete it. He has my phone number though. I will just have to be strong and YES, hold myself accountable. I know I am not without blame. I have been lonely the last couple months and needed someone to stroke my ego a bit. But I know I would never survive being a mistress. I hate myself enough already.
Ariadne Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 my life has been pretty good for the last few years and not so complicated..I will just have to be strong...I know I would never survive being a mistress. Well, that's good to hear. And maybe if you meet somebody that you like in the mean time it will help you forget the married guy. The thing against you is that you kept in touch for 4 years, and that you "did it" and now it may be a slippery slope. But see that nothing with a future can come up with this guy that has children even somewhere else. Good luck though.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I get you're hurt and all, but why are you putting all the blame on him? You say you lost respect for him, but did you lose respect for yourself? You knew he was married, had 2 kids .. So it's not like he fooled you. You yourself say you were fantasizing about this after kissing him, and then he made a move on you, you could have said "no" at anytime and told him that you don't fool around with married men. Molly, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you gotta take some responsibility for your part in this. You two both allowed a friendship to happen, you both allowed a 'kiss' and then both allowed sex to happen too. Own your part in this. Anyway, ending it was the right thing to do. Don't hold onto hope either. Grieve the loss so you can heal and find a man who will love only you and be committed.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I couldn't even fool myself with the email system. It didn't work. I signed in today and the bounce message was up on my screen like it tried to send it to him but failed. But the email was deleted from Outlook, permanently. Unfortunately or Fortunately (however I choose to look at it in the moment) I remembered I could sign into the webmail version of the email and get it. So I did. After 20 minutes I finally read it. Here is what it said. Keep in mind he is an executive with a very well known huge company and is probably trying to be a little vague too. "OK. I thought it might be coming to this. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this. Like I said don’t over analyse, but I certainly don’t want you to feel bad about anything. I’m happy to stay friends and give you a call if I’m in town but if that doesn’t work I’ll respect your decision." Email him back and tell him to focus his energy on his wife, not on you anymore, that you both crossed the respect and boundry line, and it ruined the friendship so it would be best if he left you alone. Consider changing your email address. Move all your contacts to the new address and delete your old one. This way you won't 'read' if he writes you.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 But I know I would never survive being a mistress. I hate myself enough already. Then use this and remember this if/when he contacts you again to get together. Get angry and remind yourself he isn't yours to feed your ego. He has a wife and 2 children. That you're worth more than a side dish. That ought to (hopefully?) be enough for you NOT to go see him. 1
Author Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 I knew there wasn't a future other than some fun when he came over to visit. We always have the BEST time and I look forward to his visits. I am bummed now that I don't have that to look forward to. I just broke up with someone a couple months ago so I guess I was vulnerable and he knew it and I knew it.. and there was always a lot of chemistry. So yeah... I think I just need to walk away from this.. I had hoped it would never come to that. I am gonna miss him. Why can't men and women JUST be friends???
Author Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 I get you're hurt and all, but why are you putting all the blame on him? You say you lost respect for him, but did you lose respect for yourself? You knew he was married, had 2 kids .. So it's not like he fooled you. You yourself say you were fantasizing about this after kissing him, and then he made a move on you, you could have said "no" at anytime and told him that you don't fool around with married men. Molly, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you gotta take some responsibility for your part in this. You two both allowed a friendship to happen, you both allowed a 'kiss' and then both allowed sex to happen too. Own your part in this. Anyway, ending it was the right thing to do. Don't hold onto hope either. Grieve the loss so you can heal and find a man who will love only you and be committed. I'm sorry if I didn't seem like I was taking responsibility. I just didn't voice it. We have discussed it all week where I have told him over how bad I feel. I have also discussed that with a couple of my friends. That is what everyone WANTS to hear from me, that I am horrible and nasty and disgusting and all that. On here, I was just trying to get the other stuff out too. Sorry. I know I did wrong. I have kept myself up at night feeling like karma is going to bite me in the ass for this. I NEVER would have imagined I would do this. She doesn't seem real to me though and I feel bad because I don't feel WORSE!!
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I knew there wasn't a future other than some fun when he came over to visit. We always have the BEST time and I look forward to his visits. I am bummed now that I don't have that to look forward to. I just broke up with someone a couple months ago so I guess I was vulnerable and he knew it and I knew it.. and there was always a lot of chemistry. So yeah... I think I just need to walk away from this.. I had hoped it would never come to that. I am gonna miss him. Why can't men and women JUST be friends??? They can. There just has to be 'rules and boundries' that neither of you cross or talk about..Ever. Unfortunately you both crossed the lines. He's unhealthy for you in the long run as your heart will hurt more and more (you can't be friends with someone you 'want that way'..) and secondly, you aren't good for him either, you two share a selfish friendship that is dangerous to his marriage and wife. I'm sure she wouldn't approve of the friendship one bit. I think if two people meet and connect on some level that's great! BUT, if one or both have sexual desire or feelings there, it eventually gets in the way and can ruin things.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I'm sorry if I didn't seem like I was taking responsibility. I just didn't voice it. We have discussed it all week where I have told him over how bad I feel. I have also discussed that with a couple of my friends. That is what everyone WANTS to hear from me, that I am horrible and nasty and disgusting and all that. On here, I was just trying to get the other stuff out too. Sorry. I know I did wrong. I have kept myself up at night feeling like karma is going to bite me in the ass for this. I NEVER would have imagined I would do this. She doesn't seem real to me though and I feel bad because I don't feel WORSE!! I didn't mean to make you feel worse, I read after I posted already that you actually do own your part in it. Though your first opening post makes it seem like you put all of this on him and you were the victim. Anyway, she is very real..They have a life together and children. Because you're not part of that side of his life it may not feel or seem real to you. He has friends and in laws, neighbours they socialize with. Little concern - Maybe get yourself checked out for std's...?? And please tell me you two used a condom!
Author Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 you aren't good for him either, you two share a selfish friendship that is dangerous to his marriage and wife. This was the best thing I have heard, the most helpful to remember! There was a lot of great advice but this one really set off an alarm in my head. It is TRUE, I am not good for him. I flirted too. It took him 4 years to act on it, but I lead him to believe there was a chance, didn't I? If I had been stronger and a better person, I would have made it clear without any uncertainty that we would never ever cross that line!!
Author Mollyanna Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Little concern - Maybe get yourself checked out for std's...?? And please tell me you two used a condom! Yeah, another part of that night that led me to believe he doesn't usually do this and I am soooo special. Drunken trip through the CVS store at 4:30 in the morning laughing and giggling...
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 This was the best thing I have heard, the most helpful to remember! There was a lot of great advice but this one really set off an alarm in my head. It is TRUE, I am not good for him. I flirted too. It took him 4 years to act on it, but I lead him to believe there was a chance, didn't I? If I had been stronger and a better person, I would have made it clear without any uncertainty that we would never ever cross that line!! I doubt he was planning or thinking ahead "Oh in four years I'm gonna f..k her/kiss her" etc.. Men don't work that way..Well, most don't. I think neither of you 'thought' at all and just let it happen. I'm glad I've helped. And I hope he respects your decision and leaves you alone. In the meantime, you're lonely and in need of some fun - So, call your bestest women friends and go have a weekend away or a fun evening out if you can't go somewhere for a weekend. Keep busy and find hobbies that interest you. Change things up! Go shopping, get a haircut, buy something special for yourself. Life goes on!
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