IceIceBaby Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He is not the normal type of guy I am attracted to and I am not the normal type of girl he is attracted to. He has always dated loud girls, heavy drinkers, center of attention type of girls. The exact opposite of me. At first this didn't seem to really be a problem. But as things have progressed we're seeing that we have very different views on money and raising kids. He grew up in a house where his parents spent all their money, used credit cards with no concerns. His parents swore and said inappropriate things in front of him as a kid and they still do in front of other peoples kids. My family is the complete opposite and I tend to operate more like my family. My boyfriend thinks we will just work this out (I say he is being naive) and that we will find compromises. My concern is that these differences will eventually drive us apart. I think it's more common for people to go out and find some who shares their values in money and child raising. We love each other very much but I'm finding it concerning to constantly be finding important things that we disagree on. So my question is...can people who are this different ever stay together? Is is possible to compromise on such important issues? Or is this relationship doomed?
FrustratedStandards Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Oh man. I really wish there was a nicer way of saying this. But no, it won't work out. I loved (and still love) my ex boyfriend very much, and aside from the fact that he had a kid, the bigger catalyst in our breakup was the fact that his mentality was very different from mine. It showed in the little things, and eventually when we wanted to get more serious, we realized that the bigger things were clashing as well. It's very hard to begin a life with someone whose fundamental beliefs are so different, because you will argue about the littlest things. And the sad part is, the little things won't even matter, but the principles behind them is what will trigger the argument each time. I'm really sorry to say this, but I don't think it will work out. If you try, it will be very difficult to accustom yourselves to a completely different lifestyle. And I firmly believe that deep down, people can't change these things. They were raised this way, and no matter how much they want to change their minds, they won't be able to. It's engrained, it's how their brains developed, it's the environment in which they grew up. As kids, we grow up thinking that the way our family operates is what is normal. Now try telling someone that their view of "normal" is in fact "not normal". It's impossible.
ascendotum Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Definitely opposites attract, but as you have pointed out its only as time goes by that the aspects to their lifestyle and personality that attracted you start to diminish and the aspects that annoyed you but you were willing to overlook earlier on start to bug you. Couples that are opposites can work in the long run, but it just takes more work by both to keep the relationship going and it means compromises (again by both). I have been in one and it didn't last past 8 mths. In your case given that you said this.."I'm finding it concerning to constantly be finding important things that we disagree on." + given his cavalier attitude to finances, I think your concern will come true. Money is a major factor in so many relationship breakdowns. Has he compromised on any aspect so far?
jobaba Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He is not the normal type of guy I am attracted to and I am not the normal type of girl he is attracted to. He has always dated loud girls, heavy drinkers, center of attention type of girls. The exact opposite of me. At first this didn't seem to really be a problem. But as things have progressed we're seeing that we have very different views on money and raising kids. He grew up in a house where his parents spent all their money, used credit cards with no concerns. His parents swore and said inappropriate things in front of him as a kid and they still do in front of other peoples kids. My family is the complete opposite and I tend to operate more like my family. My boyfriend thinks we will just work this out (I say he is being naive) and that we will find compromises. My concern is that these differences will eventually drive us apart. I think it's more common for people to go out and find some who shares their values in money and child raising. We love each other very much but I'm finding it concerning to constantly be finding important things that we disagree on. So my question is...can people who are this different ever stay together? Is is possible to compromise on such important issues? Or is this relationship doomed? Depends how open minded the two people are. I am willing to date (and have) women outside of my race, background, religious beliefs and education bracket. Most people on the other hand will not settle for anything too far away from themselves.
carhill Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 IME, it depends upon what 'opposites' there are versus what 'incompatibles' there are, relevant to the psychologies of the parties involved. But as things have progressed we're seeing that we have very different views on money and raising kids. He grew up in a house where his parents spent all their money, used credit cards with no concerns. His parents swore and said inappropriate things in front of him as a kid and they still do in front of other peoples kids. My family is the complete opposite and I tend to operate more like my family. My boyfriend thinks we will just work this out (I say he is being naive) and that we will find compromises. Those are some fine canaries. I'm hoping your BF is right but I'm betting that you're right.
Author IceIceBaby Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Thank you both for your thoughful responses. He actually has compromised on some things. Some minor things over the past year. He has tried to be smarter with his money, but then he'll go and do something stupid with his money and it seems like the good behavior was all for nothing. His family's way of spending seems so ingrained in him. For example they vacation two to three times a year and have the expectation that their kids and their significant others will come on these vacations. I think that would be great, but I also think my boyfriend and I should be saving our money to start our own life. He and I can not afford to vacation multiple times a year. My boyfriends theory is "you only live once." But I don't want to live my one life just scraping by with huge credit card balances. I actually see him being a great father in many ways. He's great with kids and I know he would love to have his own. But his family is so vulgar in front of children. My boyfriend is usually fine but every once in a while something will slip out. He gets that it's wrong but we both know there will be no controlling his family.
cerridwen Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Those are some big issues that you differ on, OP. I expected to read about how you were a nightowl and he an early riser. Instead, I better understand your concern. I married my opposite but our differences were much more superficial. Had they been difference related to child-rearing, money, extended family, so forth, the marriage would have never happened. Those issues are simply too important. Given that his family is unlikely to change, how might you handle having children around such...behavior? Why would one choose to? In terms of progress he's made, being a great father includes being financially responsible and he seems to still struggle greatly along these lines. I applaud you for not burying your head in the sand. These are real concerns many overlook. I would recommend extensive couples counseling long before marriage was considered. There's a huge chasm of difference to close. 1
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