Am I doing something to chase these men away?

[Lolita_Sky]

I have never been in a relationship that lasted past 6 months. And before you judge I have never cheated on any of my exes, never left them for anyone else. I have always been faithful to all of them. They always end up dumping me. I have only once broke up with one of my exes and it was because of distance not because of anything else.

 

I don't know what I do wrong. All of my exes has suffered (supposedly) bad treatment from their exes. All of the things they have told me their exes did to them I have never done. I sit down and try to talk about whatever situation or concerns there might be in the relationship. Yes there are times when we argue and have our differences but like always we always manage to sit and talk about them like mature adults.

 

I am affectionate, kind, respectful, considerate, I always have their best interest at heart. I am not the type who is insecure, I have never been jealous of my exes with their female friends. They have all however been the jealous type. Except for one of my exes he was cool with me hanging out with my male friends.

 

But the majority of them were jealous types. I don't have trust issues either despite me being treated badly in my previous relationships.

 

I just don't know what I do wrong. I'm not the perfect person I have my faults too. But when I take a step back to truly analyze myself and my personality I see that I have great qualities within myself and that I am a GREAT catch!

 

I truly am. But for whatever reason these men doesn't want a woman that treats them right.

 

Am I missing something here?

Edited March 11, 2012 by Lolita_Sky

[FitChick]

You're the nice girl and these men are probably used to drama. We see the same with women who don't like nice guys and find them boring. People like this believe they don't deserve to be loved.

[PlumPrincess]

You're quite pretty and you look nice. It's possible that you pick the wrong guys, because the guys you have been dating don't seem to be particularly nice based on your description.

[ThatDudeXO]

I hate to say it but you say they all received bad treatment from their exes?

 

Sorry to say this but maybe you are a rebound? It's harder for a guy to fall in love, so when they've already fallen in love and been ruined or heartbroken from love we tend to be very cautious afterwards.

 

Like myself and a few friends, after a long term relationship we tend to play the single dating field for fun for a long long time after a breakup or we spend time with women we enjoy company with but do not want anything serious with.

 

If they are the jealous type as you say, they will be so much more cautious in getting into a new relationship or making it a long term thing. I'm the jealous type and we're quite crazy you see

 

An individual like myself has fallen in love, loved it but been hurt way too bad to ever risk it again for a long time. Guys like me these days spend more time searching for the ONE than actually spending time in various relationships getting to know someone else. We'd only invest in a relationship if it we were to fall in love quite early on.

 

So in summary, it's not you at all. I refuse to believe you're doing any thing wrong by the sounds of it. I think you just haven't met the one whose right for you and the one who you have truly fallen for and vice versa. Just keep playing the field and you'll find the right one!

 

 

(I probably wrote a lot of crap but that's what's on my mind!)

[Lolita_Sky]

I hate to say it but you say they all received bad treatment from their exes?

 

Sorry to say this but maybe you are a rebound? It's harder for a guy to fall in love, so when they've already fallen in love and been ruined or heartbroken from love we tend to be very cautious afterwards.

 

Like myself and a few friends, after a long term relationship we tend to play the single dating field for fun for a long long time after a breakup or we spend time with women we enjoy company with but do not want anything serious with.

 

If they are the jealous type as you say, they will be so much more cautious in getting into a new relationship or making it a long term thing. I'm the jealous type and we're quite crazy you see

 

An individual like myself has fallen in love, loved it but been hurt way too bad to ever risk it again for a long time. Guys like me these days spend more time searching for the ONE than actually spending time in various relationships getting to know someone else. We'd only invest in a relationship if it we were to fall in love quite early on.

 

So in summary, it's not you at all. I refuse to believe you're doing any thing wrong by the sounds of it. I think you just haven't met the one whose right for you and the one who you have truly fallen for and vice versa. Just keep playing the field and you'll find the right one!

 

 

(I probably wrote a lot of crap but that's what's on my mind!)

 

Actually I have never been in a rebound relationship. I've never been the rebound girl. The last guy I dated my most recent ex (broke up three weeks ago) his last ex cheated on him and that was way in the middle of last year and then for some reason got involved with a woman who was going through a divorce. She initially rejected him and to this day they still talk despite him doing sooo much to win her heart. But yet and still he dumps me and would rather have nothing to do with me when I have done nothing to hurt him emotionally. I guess I should have seen the red flags then when I started talking with him. He just wasn't over this woman. But I have learned from that and have chalked it up to experience.

 

Over all though even now while being dumped I don't feel any less of a woman. I still feel beautiful and feel that I can find someone much better than him. So I don't have self esteem issues ugh. I just wish I could find someone who is at least close to the same wave length as myself.

[PlumPrincess]

Actually I have never been in a rebound relationship. I've never been the rebound girl. The last guy I dated my most recent ex (broke up three weeks ago) his last ex cheated on him and that was way in the middle of last year and then for some reason got involved with a woman who was going through a divorce. She initially rejected him and to this day they still talk despite him doing sooo much to win her heart. But yet and still he dumps me and would rather have nothing to do with me when I have done nothing to hurt him emotionally. I guess I should have seen the red flags then when I started talking with him. He just wasn't over this woman. But I have learned from that and have chalked it up to experience.

 

Over all though even now while being dumped I don't feel any less of a woman. I still feel beautiful and feel that I can find someone much better than him. So I don't have self esteem issues ugh. I just wish I could find someone who is at least close to the same wave length as myself.

That's the kind of guy you go after? Look at his behavior. I'm not surprised that your relationships don't turn out well.

[Lolita_Sky]

He's the first and the last. I was going through some things when we first started dating and well my judgement wasn't at it's very best. Haha. But yeah it didn't work out with us. Which I am okay with now.

[FrustratedStandards]

I think you might be too nice. By that I mean, you bend over backwards to make them happy and you make the entire relationship about them.

 

Being able to have someone wrapped around your little finger is a big turn off. I once dated a guy who was all about me, did only what I wanted to do, and always made sure I was in charge and made all the decisions because "I just want you to be happy". Well I ended up dumping him because he was boring and would never take charge.

 

Hell he wouldn't even have opinions, he just made sure I liked what we were doing and that's all that mattered.

 

This might be the case with you.

[Lolita_Sky]

I think you might be too nice. By that I mean, you bend over backwards to make them happy and you make the entire relationship about them.

 

Being able to have someone wrapped around your little finger is a big turn off. I once dated a guy who was all about me, did only what I wanted to do, and always made sure I was in charge and made all the decisions because "I just want you to be happy". Well I ended up dumping him because he was boring and would never take charge.

 

Hell he wouldn't even have opinions, he just made sure I liked what we were doing and that's all that mattered.

 

This might be the case with you.

Trust me I'm not THAT nice. I'm nice....but to a degree if I had an opinion about it I would voice it. And If I felt strongly about something even my exes would say I was stubborn to change my mind about things. Trust me I am aggressive when necessary. If there was something I wanted/wanted to do I would tell them. I'm a pretty well rounded woman. I know what I want and that's that. I'm not a b*tch either. But I know when somebody is trying to walk all over me and I won't accept it.

[threebyfate]

All of my exes has suffered (supposedly) bad treatment from their exes.

Why this selection criteria? Do you have a caretaker personality? If so, all you're doing is fixing them and when they feel fixed, they're going to wander off. In this dynamic, they might also be wandering off because you continue to try to fix them when they don't feel they need to be fixed anymore.

[Lolita_Sky]

Why this selection criteria? Do you have a caretaker personality? If so, all you're doing is fixing them and when they feel fixed, they're going to wander off. In this dynamic, they might also be wandering off because you continue to try to fix them when they don't feel they need to be fixed anymore.

 

Actually no, I don't. For whatever reason though I always meet a guy who's girlfriend just did them sooo wrong. I don't have that personality and won't baby any man because of what their exes did to them. If anything its a turn off to me.

[threebyfate]

Actually no, I don't. For whatever reason though I always meet a guy who's girlfriend just did them sooo wrong. I don't have that personality and won't baby any man because of what their exes did to them. If anything its a turn off to me.

If so, why the commonality between all your exes? What draws you to doves with broken wings?

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you don't know what you're doing wrong, then you need to re-evaluate these relationships and detect the pattern, because there has to be one here, you don't just find yourself in the same situation consistently without playing a part in it...you have to figure out what factors play a part in attracting you to these men.

 

Do you try to be the care-taker and are attracted to the vulnerable/woe-is-me guy who wants to sit there and complain about his last relationship as If he wasn't apart of me and didn't contribute to the relationships issues?

 

Everybody plays a role in a relationship. Whether it's passive or aggressive, and definitely often times passive aggressive even!

 

Why do you allow yourself to be with a man who was clearly in love with another woman? why didn't you recognize that he was still not over his ex and wasn't going just pass the torch to you no matter how nice you treated him?

 

Some of this is hindsight and some of it is your own insecurities...what one allows to be done to them is not determined by what others can do the them but what you will allow them to do to you.

 

You can't control others, but you can determine what you're willing to be put through or tolerate from someone else and whether you're wise enough to detect when you're not being treated to that standard or reasonable expectations...and strong/confident to walk away because you know It's not what you satisfied with.

 

Relationships are not just about personality, it doesn't matter If you're kind, respectful, considerate and have their best interest at heart...first off you need to realize;

 

1) Men don't choose women based off "qualities" like that, those are complimentary qualities, not the beginning or the end...I'm not sure why women think who they are as a person somehow entitles them to a level of romance from men who are not interested in them.

 

2) Relationships are about emotions...but not just your emotions!..their emotions count too...so you can't love/care someone to fall for you, it doesn't work that way...and I suspect this is your biggest problem or one of them.

 

3) There's no full proof strategy to making sure you're the "ideal" candidate for marriage material with a man. Far too many women invest their time doing this and It only leaves men unimpressed and uninspired, men want a challenge, just like women do. they want that uncertainty or feel that you don't necessarily need them (at least in the beginning of the relationship)...It keeps them interested and invested in you, since you don't come off as a doormat, even though you think you're being "tough" when you need to, your words don't seem to match your actions.

 

Bottom line is why and how are you ok with all these guys when they seem out of the woodwork just break up with you?

 

What red flags are you ignoring in your relationship?

 

Why are you ok with these relationships and left wondering why they end?

 

You're missing a piece of the puzzle here, hopefully you'll try to take a good realistic look at it, instead of just pretend It couldn't be "that"...be truthful and realistic with yourself, because I'm sure the answers are there in front of your face.

[Lolita_Sky]

If you don't know what you're doing wrong, then you need to re-evaluate these relationships and detect the pattern, because there has to be one here, you don't just find yourself in the same situation consistently without playing a part in it...you have to figure out what factors play a part in attracting you to these men.

 

Do you try to be the care-taker and are attracted to the vulnerable/woe-is-me guy who wants to sit there and complain about his last relationship as If he wasn't apart of me and didn't contribute to the relationships issues?

 

Everybody plays a role in a relationship. Whether it's passive or aggressive, and definitely often times passive aggressive even!

 

Why do you allow yourself to be with a man who was clearly in love with another woman? why didn't you recognize that he was still not over his ex and wasn't going just pass the torch to you no matter how nice you treated him?

 

Some of this is hindsight and some of it is your own insecurities...what one allows to be done to them is not determined by what others can do the them but what you will allow them to do to you.

 

You can't control others, but you can determine what you're willing to be put through or tolerate from someone else and whether you're wise enough to detect when you're not being treated to that standard or reasonable expectations...and strong/confident to walk away because you know It's not what you satisfied with.

 

Relationships are not just about personality, it doesn't matter If you're kind, respectful, considerate and have their best interest at heart...first off you need to realize;

 

1) Men don't choose women based off "qualities" like that, those are complimentary qualities, not the beginning or the end...I'm not sure why women think who they are as a person somehow entitles them to a level of romance from men who are not interested in them.

 

2) Relationships are about emotions...but not just your emotions!..their emotions count too...so you can't love/care someone to fall for you, it doesn't work that way...and I suspect this is your biggest problem or one of them.

 

3) There's no full proof strategy to making sure you're the "ideal" candidate for marriage material with a man. Far too many women invest their time doing this and It only leaves men unimpressed and uninspired, men want a challenge, just like women do. they want that uncertainty or feel that you don't necessarily need them (at least in the beginning of the relationship)...It keeps them interested and invested in you, since you don't come off as a doormat, even though you think you're being "tough" when you need to, your words don't seem to match your actions.

 

Bottom line is why and how are you ok with all these guys when they seem out of the woodwork just break up with you?

 

What red flags are you ignoring in your relationship?

 

Why are you ok with these relationships and left wondering why they end?

 

You're missing a piece of the puzzle here, hopefully you'll try to take a good realistic look at it, instead of just pretend It couldn't be "that"...be truthful and realistic with yourself, because I'm sure the answers are there in front of your face.

 

 

Trust me I have taken time to sit back and evaluate my previous relationships. And I have noticed something. These men were very insecure. And as time went on these men would put me on a pedestal, even my most recent ex did this. He was so into me but when I made a mistake or said something that he didn't like or didn't agree with it would upset him/all of my other exes. And it just goes from there. The more they get to see the real me the less they become inclined to accepting me as a person as a human being. While its okay for them to make mistakes they think "I'm above that" or "better than that".

 

My last ex got irritated because I would lean my elbow on the table whenever we would go out to eat. It's little things like that that they would try to change about me. And when I would become stubborn and not bend they would get angry. I'm me, I can't be perfect and that is what these men expected of me. Perfection.

 

So no I honestly don't see how I was the problem. I mean I am stubborn I will admit that. But I am not so stubborn to the point where I won't admit when I am wrong or when I have done wrong. I am not stubborn where I won't apologize for my wrong doing.

 

Now I will admit that I have dated these men out of pure naivety I haven't dated a whole lot in my life. I've only had 5 boyfriends in my entire life. Not a whole lot. However I have learned from this and have chalked it up to experience.

 

It's something that I think about on a daily basis. I'm not going to make this mistake again. I have decided that I should take my time and really get to know a guy before I even consider them a potential boyfriend.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm detecting a little bit of a defense mechanism in place here..

 

Do you have a hard time taking criticism of any kind?

 

Do you immediately feel attacked or shift into a different "mode" once you feel vulnerable?

 

Do people tell you things then shut down after your response?

 

I get this kind of a vibe from you, ill explain:

 

You: This is what's broken, I don't why because I've thought of everything but already, but something seems to be wrong, do you know what it is?

 

Person: Have you tried this or that?

 

You: Yes, I've checked that and that already, that's not it...It's something else, I got it figured out almost, I had an idea anyway.

 

Person: Well do you think this is a possibility, this is a common issue here

 

You: I can admit when I'm wrong or not seeing something, but I am and that is not it, so do you have any other suggestions that are actually worth while because you're not figuring out my problm.

 

Person: ..... ::shutdown::

 

Just a guess/prediction based on how I imagine your interaction in some situations, and I'm sure you had a lot to say and argue about with the elbow issue.

 

Do you understand that you have a hand in dating/selecting insecure men? Do you think it's possible you choose men you feel you have the control/power in the relationship?

Does that provide you with some security? Are you very protective over your emotions?

 

Just some things to think about if applicable, If not..disregard.

[FrustratedStandards]

Trust me I'm not THAT nice. I'm nice....but to a degree if I had an opinion about it I would voice it. And If I felt strongly about something even my exes would say I was stubborn to change my mind about things. Trust me I am aggressive when necessary. If there was something I wanted/wanted to do I would tell them. I'm a pretty well rounded woman. I know what I want and that's that. I'm not a b*tch either. But I know when somebody is trying to walk all over me and I won't accept it.

 

If this is true, then it's either bad luck, or you have a vaginal smell that they don't like.

 

I'm detecting a little bit of a defense mechanism in place here..

Do you have a hard time taking criticism of any kind?

 

Do you immediately feel attacked or shift into a different "mode" once you feel vulnerable?

 

Do people tell you things then shut down after your response?

 

I get this kind of a vibe from you, ill explain:

 

You: This is what's broken, I don't why because I've thought of everything but already, but something seems to be wrong, do you know what it is?

 

Person: Have you tried this or that?

 

You: Yes, I've checked that and that already, that's not it...It's something else, I got it figured out almost, I had an idea anyway.

 

Person: Well do you think this is a possibility, this is a common issue here

 

You: I can admit when I'm wrong or not seeing something, but I am and that is not it, so do you have any other suggestions that are actually worth while because you're not figuring out my problm.

 

Person: ..... ::shutdown::

 

Just a guess/prediction based on how I imagine your interaction in some situations, and I'm sure you had a lot to say and argue about with the elbow issue.

 

Do you understand that you have a hand in dating/selecting insecure men? Do you think it's possible you choose men you feel you have the control/power in the relationship?

Does that provide you with some security? Are you very protective over your emotions?

 

Just some things to think about if applicable, If not..disregard.

 

I agree with the bolded parts. She comes off as a bit defensive. That's understandable because no one wants to be told that something is wrong with them.

 

On the other hand, that might not be the case at all. I have had threads where people suggest to me the most obvious things that I have done by the time I was 20 years old, yet for some reason I still can't get a good man.

 

So we will never really know. All I can say is that if she has been dating men like this, and those relationships have failed, raise the b*tch notch just a bit, and those men will no longer approach you.

 

That's what I did in my case. I got oldies and uglies, so I notched up the "eww I don't want that", and now those men don't approach me at all!

 

To be fair, no man approaches me, but now i'm learning that's not so much of a disappointment because most of them I wouldn't like anyways

[Lolita_Sky]

Ninja Pajamas I think you're right about that. I didn't notice it until you said something. I am a bit defensive and its something that my ex and family members pointed out on some occasions. I didn't think it was that big of a problem though. I can and do take criticism at times but I guess when it comes to things on a more deeper level I get a bit defensive. It's something I will look into further.

 

Wow if a complete stranger notices this just from short interaction with me that I am a bit defensive then it's something that I REALLY need to work on. Thanks so much for your advice. It really does shed some light on things.

[theories_galore]

I'm in the same boat as you. I think it's bc people like us are too nice? Maybe they think we're too good to be true and have some weird dark secret(s). People are way too cynical I think and we deserve better! I wouldn't change a thing you're doing. Stay true to yourself bc that's all that matters Someone will come along and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.