aali Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 hi, I've been with my partner for 12 years and we live together. He is my first and only boyfriend. Our relationship has had it ups and downs. From time to time when he gets angry he will tell me I'm stupid or in the beginning (for the first 3years or so he use to put his fist to my face and tell me he would hit me - he doesn't do this now he only sometimes will say he will slap me - but he never does) He don't do this often only when he gets mad. He hits walls to if he get very upset. Sometimes when things go wrong he will say its my fault. At the beginning he use to tell me I have a calming effect on him and that his x girlfriend was upsetting him a lot.......... But I don't understand I must be doing something to piss him off. Anyway to make a long story short is in this 12 years he broke up with me once and we were not together for a couple of months. When we were not together I hooked up with a great guy. Someone I would loooove to be the father of my children if I ever would have children. A real gooooood good guy......... but I went back with my X after he came to me and said he made the biggest mistake bracking up with me......and everyting went back to be good like good could be. This other guy still looves me I know and we are still good friends cause I've known him for many years since I was 20. 11years into the relationship and a couple of months ago I found out that he is having this thing with a girl from work. He doesn't know I know about this. It sounds by things that they slept together and kissed a few times. I was reading this in mails. I snooped around (know this is wrong but I thought something was up) I can't confront him. I'm so upset and want to leave. but something is pulling me back. I don't understand why am I staying. Why can't I just brake it off and go to this other great guy. Why is there this strong pull to stay with this man. Sometimes I go over and over in my head - things that his done and the scary feeling he gives me when he gets angry. I feel after all this thought ok I'm going to tell him this is over but then something in me pulls me to him and I just can't do this. Can someone please help me understand ............. or have advice cause I'm so lost. Why do I stay with someone that by now I know doesn't treat me well. What is this that is keeping me with him why can't I just break the bond????????????? Any advice.... why doesn't he just leave me .. why does he stay with me and go to this other woman.???
Author aali Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 I just don't understand why he doesn't leave me for this other woman. When I found out about this girl (she is lots younger than me) he was very short with me and picked little fights almost all the time on everything I did and he was very cold and distant.. Now suddenley for 2 weeks he is very friendly with me. Tells me he loves me and that I'm the love of his life.
freestyle Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Why do I stay with someone that by now I know doesn't treat me well. What is this that is keeping me with him why can't I just break the bond????????????? Any advice.... why doesn't he just leave me .. why does he stay with me and go to this other woman.??? Hi aali---welcome to LS:) First off, I'm sorry for the pain this has caused, and still IS causing you. A relationship like you've described can erode your self-esteem horribly. Your partner's actions are abusive, you do realize that, don't you? Shaking a fist in someone's face is a hostile act intended to create fear--for the purpose of having control, compliance & subjugation. It's inexcusable. While threatening violence doesn't actually leave a visible bruise--it still leaves scars on a person's soul. No one, should ever have to live in fear of violence like that. You've taken a huge first step---by questioning why you stay with him, when he treats you poorly. Part of you is seeing the role you've played in this dance. Why are you allowing this? (please don't see this as me trying to shame you--I'm trying to shine a light on the bigger picture) It occurs to me, that on some level--you feel like to have to "win" this man's love---that if you just try harder, do more, walk on eggshells so as not to upset him....etc. The truth is----nothing will EVER be enough for a person with the issues you've described. He will continue to find fault with you, and project his OWN self-loathing onto you. It's emotional abuse. (and that's about HIM-and HIS issues. It's NOT an accurate reflection of your value as a person.Not.at.all.) If you're asking why he doesn't just leave you for the other woman---it's likely that he's keeping you around as a back-up plan. I know that hurts to hear---but I've seen this happen too many times, IRL. (in real life)In case it doesn't work out--you'll be there to fall back on.A soft place to land. Is that the role you want to play? Or, would you rather save your love for someone who will return it, equally? And treat you with kindness, and respect? It IS up to you. What advice would you give to a sister, cousin, or friend in the same situation? (I'd like to recommend that you take an afternoon, or evening and do some reading on trauma bonding. It could help you understand why it's hard to break free from a situation like this) 2
bigmomma1974 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 In my opinion, I feel your staying because deep inside you feel you do not deserve happiness and a man that will truelly love you. Also you been with this man 12 yrs so its comfortable and possibly you fear being hurt by someone else. As the previous person stated read up on trauma, Maybe also look into counsling to help build your self-esteem. You deserve so much more then what you are getting. Emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. The hurt and pain you feel deep inside keeps tearing at your character, he is making you feel you deserve this and noone deserves this. Also if you truely love this man deep down, talk to him about seeking help for his anger. If he can't I think it is time to pack your bags, work on yourself, your self esteem, build your self back up from where he kept knocking you down and focus on you. Yes you may feel some pain, from leaving but in the end you will find you deserve better, YOu need to break the ties to this man if he isn't going to seek any professional help. YOu deserve so much better and I hope you see it before it is to late. Noone ever knows what will become of a person who is in a relationship like you are in. Think long and hard about this. Reach out to support groups that deal with emotional abuse, maybe they can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck honey and I hope you leave before it gets worse. Love isn't hurtful, or painful remember that. 1
Author aali Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Hi aali---welcome to LS:) First off, I'm sorry for the pain this has caused, and still IS causing you. A relationship like you've described can erode your self-esteem horribly. Your partner's actions are abusive, you do realize that, don't you? Shaking a fist in someone's face is a hostile act intended to create fear--for the purpose of having control, compliance & subjugation. It's inexcusable. While threatening violence doesn't actually leave a visible bruise--it still leaves scars on a person's soul. No one, should ever have to live in fear of violence like that. You've taken a huge first step---by questioning why you stay with him, when he treats you poorly. Part of you is seeing the role you've played in this dance. Why are you allowing this? (please don't see this as me trying to shame you--I'm trying to shine a light on the bigger picture) It occurs to me, that on some level--you feel like to have to "win" this man's love---that if you just try harder, do more, walk on eggshells so as not to upset him....etc. The truth is----nothing will EVER be enough for a person with the issues you've described. He will continue to find fault with you, and project his OWN self-loathing onto you. It's emotional abuse. (and that's about HIM-and HIS issues. It's NOT an accurate reflection of your value as a person.Not.at.all.) If you're asking why he doesn't just leave you for the other woman---it's likely that he's keeping you around as a back-up plan. I know that hurts to hear---but I've seen this happen too many times, IRL. (in real life)In case it doesn't work out--you'll be there to fall back on.A soft place to land. Is that the role you want to play? Or, would you rather save your love for someone who will return it, equally? And treat you with kindness, and respect? It IS up to you. What advice would you give to a sister, cousin, or friend in the same situation? (I'd like to recommend that you take an afternoon, or evening and do some reading on trauma bonding. It could help you understand why it's hard to break free from a situation like this) hi, thank you for u're post. I just want to know one think what do you mean he first wants to see if things work out with this other woman. How long will this take. If he already said he loves her doesn't he want to spend every min of the day with her. he only see her at work and on some fridays he doesn't come home. So he how can he see if things work out with her if he doesn't know what she is all about.
Pipa Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 hi, thank you for u're post. I just want to know one think what do you mean he first wants to see if things work out with this other woman. How long will this take. If he already said he loves her doesn't he want to spend every min of the day with her. he only see her at work and on some fridays he doesn't come home. So he how can he see if things work out with her if he doesn't know what she is all about.
Author aali Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 Hi aali---welcome to LS:) First off, I'm sorry for the pain this has caused, and still IS causing you. A relationship like you've described can erode your self-esteem horribly. Your partner's actions are abusive, you do realize that, don't you? Shaking a fist in someone's face is a hostile act intended to create fear--for the purpose of having control, compliance & subjugation. It's inexcusable. While threatening violence doesn't actually leave a visible bruise--it still leaves scars on a person's soul. No one, should ever have to live in fear of violence like that. You've taken a huge first step---by questioning why you stay with him, when he treats you poorly. Part of you is seeing the role you've played in this dance. Why are you allowing this? (please don't see this as me trying to shame you--I'm trying to shine a light on the bigger picture) It occurs to me, that on some level--you feel like to have to "win" this man's love---that if you just try harder, do more, walk on eggshells so as not to upset him....etc. The truth is----nothing will EVER be enough for a person with the issues you've described. He will continue to find fault with you, and project his OWN self-loathing onto you. It's emotional abuse. (and that's about HIM-and HIS issues. It's NOT an accurate reflection of your value as a person.Not.at.all.) If you're asking why he doesn't just leave you for the other woman---it's likely that he's keeping you around as a back-up plan. I know that hurts to hear---but I've seen this happen too many times, IRL. (in real life)In case it doesn't work out--you'll be there to fall back on.A soft place to land. Is that the role you want to play? Or, would you rather save your love for someone who will return it, equally? And treat you with kindness, and respect? It IS up to you. What advice would you give to a sister, cousin, or friend in the same situation? (I'd like to recommend that you take an afternoon, or evening and do some reading on trauma bonding. It could help you understand why it's hard to break free from a situation like this) my question: hi, thank you for u're post. I just want to know one think what do you mean he first wants to see if things work out with this other woman. How long will this take. If he already said he loves her doesn't he want to spend every min of the day with her. he only see her at work and on some fridays he doesn't come home. So he how can he see if things work out with her if he doesn't know what she is all about.
Kidd Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 This is the third thread you have started asking the same question and now you are talking to yourself. It sounds to me like he sees the OW throughout the week and occassionally spends nights with her. I suspect they have plenty of great sex throughout the week and then he still has you. Why would he change anything? He will keep you both as long as you let him. Until he has a reason to change (for example, you not putting up with this crap anymore), then he will not change to choose either of you. You're going to have to force him to change. No one is answering you because you are asking the wrong question. The question is, when are you going to take some action? He will never respect you if you don't respect yourself. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Why do you keep asking the same question, now with a different name? The answer is the same as it was: This is easy for him; that's why he is doing it. If it's okay with you, carry on. If you have a problem with it, please grow a strong backbone and WALK AWAY from this messed up relationship. It's never going to be good. 1
nofool4u Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Why can't I just brake it off and go to this other great guy. Because you are one of the millions of women who just dumped a good guy for a bad boy jerk. Happens all the time. Question you need to ask yourself, do you really want a good guy, or is it something about this jerk that is irresistible to you? Another thing you need to decide, since you pretty much crapped on the good guy, is should you let him find someone that won't make him 2nd fiddle to some guy that cheats?
Recommended Posts