Author smallthings Posted July 7, 2004 Author Posted July 7, 2004 Have been looking through a couple of other sites and came accross isurvive.org- very interesting - childs observations possibly correct - particularly wifes response - over clinging to abuser, and over reliance on the abuser. I remember the look on her face one day talking to him - sort of pleading, and few other occasions - typical response to abuse - (sorry this info is not on this site). from the site mentioned - Telling the person the things that they figure they want to hear. ..... pretty, and smart and so on, would gain their trust. A lot of abused are people pleasers and this is an advantage point for the preditor - establish trust, and then the affection, and then the abuse -
Author smallthings Posted July 26, 2004 Author Posted July 26, 2004 Hopefully a last note now going to councelling - v useful - For the purpose of this forum - he was a class A abuser - sociopath - wife has some traumatic times comming up as she recovers - he offered to marry her during one bout of abuse (and I mean abuse) - his idea was to get rid of me ?????????????? marry her and then get rid of her???????? ends up with the money and his bar in spain. He was prepared to do anything to acheive this (I suppose until he moves onto his next subject) We were lucky to survive Any ideas about how you deal with someone like this. Many thanks to all the people who contibuted, I don't think I would have survived (mentally and physically) without your imput and ideas
Craig Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Any ideas about how you deal with someone like this. Divorce her. Or did you mean the contractor? It wasn't his fault for what your wife did.
Craig Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 It isn't your fault for what your wife did either. She and she alone bears the responsibility for her actions.
Author smallthings Posted July 27, 2004 Author Posted July 27, 2004 I looked into the background for the contractor - he is mentally disturbed - a classified sociopath (diagnosed at the age of 15) - who spent some time grooming her in order to obtain not only sexual benifits but also money - part of the scenareo is to remove the subjects self - to create a situation where he had mental control over her. He was very practiced at it (and had served time in both prison and in mental hospitals for when he got it wrong). The type of people he picks on are vunerable, kind, helpful, infact all the things you would admire in a partner The method of approach is called grooming - its the same with paedofiles - and its just as successful with adults. During the grooming they generate a sort of whispering campain to split the individual off from the family and create a reliance on them. Once the subject is in this position the sociopath can start the full range of abuse and control - unfortunately this is what happened - the abuse included sexual deviancy, and almost the persuasion to committ other crimes. When I had the last conversation!!!!! with him he had persuaded himself that he had a share in my house and that I had nothing to do with it. He could come and go as he wished - (part of the madness) To him people are objects for his own gratification, and that includes whatever they own. Bearing this in mind things could have been much worse - it will take time for my wife to get over it, and this will include councelling - she has flashbacks, and becomes disturbed, has nighmares from a ****. but as yet she can't talk fully about it. She sort of escaped before the full range of his deviancy took place - this guy has ruined many people and continues to do so. I was informed by other people about what he was in the middle of arranging for her - not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination. She got herself out of it much to her credit, and is still comming down, but it will be a while yet So we proceed from there -
smallthings1 Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 Just to update - Wife is now starting to recover - our relationship is V good - As for the mad man - He has been targeting someone else for the last 3 months - (another couple) - who own a decorating company - he has carried out some work for them and as I understand it has elicited a car from them, and cash - he is starting to move in on the wife - (I gather he wants half of the company) - he is about to dump a short term girlfriend who lives with him so that he can get the wife of this other person - he is trying to isolate her from her family - and so it goes on Do I tell them what he is planning - it is like a constantly revolving wheel - where will the madness end
neptoon Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 I have to say, smallthings, I can't stop reading this thread. I think you're the most awesome husband I've ever seen in anyone. I think you should inform the authorities about him. You shouldn't tell the couple initially -- you should go there with the police to tell this new victim couple. If you go there first by yourself, the Predator could tell lies to them to discredit you. You have to document what's happened to you with the police. I know it's easier for you and your wife to just move on and walk away from it and be glad you are alive. This man had told people that he was planning ways of "getting rid" of you first and then later, "get rid" of your wife! I don't think this man means to just walk away and go into hiding. He's a predator and he will not go into hiding. He likes to be in control of the evidence he leaves around -- he likes to show his tracks when it serves his purpose and to cover his tracks when it serves his purpose. I have a feeling he's talking about killing people! You're right in saying he's a sociopath. He belongs in a penitentiary. I wonder how many people he's already "gotten rid" of. Something needs to be done about this guy. Really consider alerting the authorities. This man not only ruins people's lives but he's also out to do people harm. It seems to be the mental place from which he draws his feeling of power. He can be charged with fraud, theft, trespassing, etc. If you ever see him again, tell him once to get off the property and then get a restraining order against him. That way, it's been documented in the system should anything happen.
jjhung Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 I think that as long as both of you are willing to work on the marriage, it can get better, possibly better than before. But most importantly she has to completely let go of that guy and also be willing to work on it. This guy is a bit of the problem but if you want the marriage bad enough, can you just move? Read the books "after the affair", it helped me tremendously.
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