AlexanderMaritana Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 (edited) Hi all I am in a relationship with a woman who I am madly in lovewith. We have been together 2 years and have lived together for a year and ahalf. Recently the dynamic has changed in our relationship, could you help shedany light on what could be happening I have found us drifting apart. We are less and less sharingthe same opinion on things, sometimes I wonder if her opinion is tacticallychosen to oppose mine. She is whining a lot about my chosen sport (boxing),also she is beginning to say nasty things about some close friends of mine whoI am constantly defending (not bad people in any way). Physically things aredying. I know that this is a very important part of a relationship. I have a highsex drive, but sex is most definitely not all of the relationship to me- justvery important. Every time I go to touch her she tells me she is tired or sick. I know she is a sexual person, at least she used to be withme. One thing that is playing on me is the fact that she seems to be mentioningother guys more and more. She has no problem telling me how attractive other men are. Thething that pisses me off is she will go into detail about why she finds themattractive. I understand that we all find someone of the op sex attractive attimes, but come on! I don’t react in an overly jealous way, though I do teaseher about it, laugh sometimes, or have been known to show her that pisses meoff In the beginning of the relationship I noticed she could beflirty with other men at times, once she crossed the boundary where I had to say something to her. I waited untilthe next day when we were in a better environment to talk and told her that I don’tlike that, and if this is going to be a serious relationship that cannot happen.She respectfully has not flirted to that level again, but I notice still thatshe may be seeking the approval of other men Men naturally are attracted to her. She is beautiful andfeminine. I find her extremely attractive myself. I just have a feeling thatshe might be giving off a vibe of availability to other guys because of thetype of attention she is getting. We have a large social circle and I talk to alot of attractive women all the time, none of whom I notice give off the samevibe. We are arguing a lot lately, always initiated by her. What Ifind interesting is that the argument ALWAYS begins with her trying to make mebudge on a decision I have made- ie not letting the cat in the bedroom due tohayfever- something decided on a year ago! They are petty little fights overthings not worth fighting over in my eyes, though I don’t budge on the decision. Anyway I am in dire need of some advice. Last night we wentout and on arrival home began arguing. I was being playful which snapped herout of it, we started flirting a bit, then she stormed off saying ‘Don’t startarguing just because I don’t want to have sex with you!’ That worried me a bit.‘just because I don’t want to have sex at all!’ would have been a lot nicer. I didn’teven start the damn argument!! Guys, girls, what is going on? Any understanding on thiswould be helpful. I want this to be the best relationship it can be and I amwilling to do whatever it takes to make it just that. But I will not hold someoneagainst their will or suffer through being a ‘comfort’ boyfriend for her. I amabout to make a very important move here and any suggestions would be great. Edited March 11, 2012 by AlexanderMaritana
TheSingleGuy Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Honestly, I think one of your biggest mistakes happened 18 months ago. You moved in together but you didn't marry her. I can't understand why so many men make this mistake. You are living together as husband and wife. You expect her to treat you as her husband. She expects you to treat her as your wife. If you two break up, she can still claim common-law on your ass and take half. Women care very much about what their friends and family think of them. I guarantee her friends and family all feel sorry for her because her boyfriend doesn't love her enough to marry her. That said, if she's not giving you sex, she's lost attraction for you. Regenerating attraction might be impossible at this point, but the best advice I can give is to go apartment hunting, leave the brochures lying around, let her start asking questions. One of the sexiest things a guy can do is enforce his boundaries. Let her know she's crossed a boundary and there could be consequences. When she said another man was sexy, in your presence, she knew this bothered you. But you probably just kept it bottled up instead of letting her know she had crossed a boundary. This is a classic ****-test. It is disrespectful as all get out. But women will instinctively test their man like this. It will never end. If you don't regenerate attraction real soon, I mean very soon, she will be dumping you. Are there any sixth sense, red flags, going off to make you think she might be seeing someone else??? 1
JesseJames Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Honestly, I think one of your biggest mistakes happened 18 months ago. You moved in together but you didn't marry her. I can't understand why so many men make this mistake. You are living together as husband and wife. You expect her to treat you as her husband. She expects you to treat her as your wife. If you two break up, she can still claim common-law on your ass and take half. Women care very much about what their friends and family think of them. I guarantee her friends and family all feel sorry for her because her boyfriend doesn't love her enough to marry her. That said, if she's not giving you sex, she's lost attraction for you. Regenerating attraction might be impossible at this point, but the best advice I can give is to go apartment hunting, leave the brochures lying around, let her start asking questions. One of the sexiest things a guy can do is enforce his boundaries. Let her know she's crossed a boundary and there could be consequences. When she said another man was sexy, in your presence, she knew this bothered you. But you probably just kept it bottled up instead of letting her know she had crossed a boundary. This is a classic ****-test. It is disrespectful as all get out. But women will instinctively test their man like this. It will never end. If you don't regenerate attraction real soon, I mean very soon, she will be dumping you. Are there any sixth sense, red flags, going off to make you think she might be seeing someone else??? In Australia, The federal Marriage Act 1961 provides for marriage, but does not recognize 'common-law marriages'. During the term of the former Howard government, the Parliament of Australia defined marriage as being between a man and a woman. This allowed for the overriding of marriage laws instituted in the Act but did not impinge on the legal standing of de facto relationships. Most women could give two rat's asslicks about what others think of them. Have you ever been on the planet? A loss of sex drive does not mean for certain that attraction is lost. Real women that are good and sane do not react well to forced boundaries. Nice women that are good and secure do not test their men. Going apartment hunting is a stupid idea. Communication is a better idea.
KathyM Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I'd say it's time to throw in the towel on that relationship. She's no longer attracted to you, is always picking a fight, and seems to be far too attracted to other men. She never had the qualities needed to go long term with one man if she is and was continually looking for validation from other men while in a relationship with you.
FitChick Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 You need to find out why she is so angry, which is driving this passive-aggressive behavior. You probably said or did (or didn't say or do) something that set her off without realizing it. Take her out to dinner to a nice restaurant and tell her how much you love her and that you are unhappy because something you've done seems to have made her unhappy and angry. Is there anything you can do to rectify the situation? She needs to explain her actions. If she doesn't want to, suggest couples counseling to learn better communication skills. If she isn't interested, then tell her you think it's better for you two to go your separate ways and wish her all future happiness with whatever she decides. I wouldn't just dump her because what if you find out later that there was something you could have done to salvage the relationship? I hate living with "if only."
snug.bunny Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Guys, girls, what is going on? Any understanding on thiswould be helpful. I want this to be the best relationship it can be and I amwilling to do whatever it takes to make it just that. But I will not hold someoneagainst their will or suffer through being a ‘comfort’ boyfriend for her. I amabout to make a very important move here and any suggestions would be great. It sounds like she has a lot of animosity towards you and has shut down emotionally from you. Certain things could have triggered emotional distress and in turn, smoldering resentment, which is unfortunately a relationship killer. What caused it, is anyone's guess... So, the crux of the issue has to be identified first, and thus resolved. But, she has to be a willing participant and if she isn't, chances are there isn't much that can be done to salvage the relationship.
Author AlexanderMaritana Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 The Single Guy: Hey man, your response resonated well with me- much appreciated. To answer your Q: she is not getting any on the side. I would know, there are no signs of that and my instincts tell me that is not happening. Yeah I have been tested like this with women in the past on the jealousy thing. I think maybe its because I really care this time that it is affecting me. Can you advise on the best way to react- with the current state of attraction in mind? Also, the times when I feel I really trigger attraction back in her is when I am talking to other women. Especially when I make them laugh (which I can be pretty good at). I am not the kind of person to flirt when I am with someone, I just dont dig that- but do you think a good avenue on this might be to show her that other women could find me attractive to trigger it back in her? I just wish I knew what it was in the first place. I've been in love before but this time I am head over. Im feeling the pressure here and badly dont want to F**K this up! Any help would be awesome brother
Author AlexanderMaritana Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Snug.bunny Cheers for your perspective, you seem to have nailed it from a womens point of view. I have no freaking idea of what it was that caused this but I am going to find it. I have no problem ending this if she is not going to participate. It will hurt like hell though. Have you lost attraction to someone before?
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) .... If you two break up, she can still claim common-law on your ass and take half. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Everybody thinks that being in a 'common Law partnership has some standing in law but it doesn't. If there are children it's one thing, but as it's only been 18 months, it won't mean diddly-squat. And australian law is very much led by, and has its foundations in, British Law.... i think you'll find precisely the same applies down-under as it does in the UK. And not only there..... and look at the case of Stieg Larsson's girlfriend Women care very much about what their friends and family think of them. I guarantee her friends and family all feel sorry for her because her boyfriend doesn't love her enough to marry her. Bull. I lived with my husband for 7 years before we married, and nobody made any comment at all,..... When she said another man was sexy, in your presence, she knew this bothered you. But you probably just kept it bottled up instead of letting her know she had crossed a boundary. This is a classic ****-test. It is disrespectful as all get out. But women will instinctively test their man like this. It will never end. i find some other men attractive... my husband finds other women attractive. i'd be scared if we didn't... that's what humans are like - simply because they find their chosen partner, it doesn't mean everything else automatically gets turned off.... If you don't regenerate attraction real soon, I mean very soon, she will be dumping you. you can't 'regenerate attraction'. once it's gone, 99.999% of the time - it's gone. It's not something that can be controlled at the flick of a switch. something else might come up, and things might repair - but it will never ever be the same again.... Edited March 12, 2012 by TaraMaiden
SadGrl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Brake up with her, or she will totally destroy yours elf esteem and you will be suffering for years. Start NOW to emotionally detach from this female. Trust me, it will not get better. She lost all respect for you. If she was not so 'hot" you would not be even thinking 2X. If she was FAT and fugly,. you would not take this abuse. Grow a pair, stop looking at her empty shell, and look deep inside, to see an ugly person abusing you.
snug.bunny Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Have you lost attraction to someone before? Without getting into the nitty gritty details, yes. One instance, was due to cheating. That pretty much killed the attraction head on. Another instance, was due to non-commital and a lack of follow-through on someone's part (combined with an unpleasant aftermath). It didn't kill the attraction head on, but the attraction waned over time as I grew detached from it. Snug.bunny Cheers for your perspective, you seem to have nailed it from a womens point of view. I have no freaking idea of what it was that caused this but I am going to find it. I have no problem ending this if she is not going to participate. It will hurt like hell though.
spiderowl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 She's not happy and she's challenging you. What we don't know is why she's unhappy, whether it's because she's falling out of love with you or because you have difficult traits that we are not aware of. You mention not changing your views on certain things, decisions you've made. Surely she should be part of important decision-making in your lives too? If she is and you come to a compromise that she is OK with most of the time, then it can't be that. If, however, you make decisions, she disagrees but doesn't push it, then she may now be asserting herself more. If she feels she needs to be more assertive, that suggests she feels you've been unfair or too rigid in the past. This would cause resentment. If someone is feeling resentful, they won't want sex. All this is possible, but it could just be that feelings are fading and the writing is on the wall. Ask her what's wrong as you clearly feel something is.
Author AlexanderMaritana Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 She's not happy and she's challenging you. What we don't know is why she's unhappy, whether it's because she's falling out of love with you or because you have difficult traits that we are not aware of. You mention not changing your views on certain things, decisions you've made. Surely she should be part of important decision-making in your lives too? If she is and you come to a compromise that she is OK with most of the time, then it can't be that. If, however, you make decisions, she disagrees but doesn't push it, then she may now be asserting herself more. If she feels she needs to be more assertive, that suggests she feels you've been unfair or too rigid in the past. This would cause resentment. If someone is feeling resentful, they won't want sex. All this is possible, but it could just be that feelings are fading and the writing is on the wall. Ask her what's wrong as you clearly feel something is. Thanks for the response. We make most decisions together- especially big ones. Others are made by her and me depending- but these are minor ie the cat in the bedroom. Its these minor 'me' decisions being challenged. I feel that it is something else driving her towards challenging me on these decisions, not that she really wants the result changed but wants to fight on something that I have decided on. If I really wanted to I could fight with her on her decisions too. Some simple but very cool advice is just to ask her what is wrong, cheers for that.
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