nofool4u Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Update The past week has been incredibly difficult for me. I informed my husband about the OW's death last Thursday and was initially quite surprised by his reaction. He stated that he was pleased due to the pain she had caused me after d-day (she had essentially sent me harassing emails etc for a year). We tearfully discussed how difficult that time had been and how it had made us stronger as a couple. Unprovoked my husband said that he would not search online for any more information about her as he did not want her to inhabit any space in his head. I had said that I would understand if he did want to, but he insisted that he was not interested in doing so. Nothing more was said about her death or the affair Tues evening my husband told me that he had been thinking about the OW and was experiencing regrets about how he had treated her and was remembering that at one point he enjoyed the friendship that they had. He said that he didn't miss the affair and who they both were in that, but did like her at one point as a friend and that was making him sad. It was incredibly hard to hear that and the pain I have felt watching him mourn at times her passing has been awful. The affair feels very real and raw again to me abc I'm left wondering whether my husband was in love with her and now in death she has become more 'special' I find myself questioning everything about our relationship again, but also acknowledge that he has been truthful and forthcoming about his feelings regarding her death and that isn't something he would have done before the affair I knew this would happen. He didn't deserve to know. And it looks as if his initial reaction of being glad she died was just a load of crap to appease you. So now what are you going to do? 1
nofool4u Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Don't you feel relieved now, though? He knows. She's gone. No more secrets, no more lies. It's all over. Regardless of the type of relationship, when someone passes away, so many people feel sad, regret if they treated someone badly, wish they had not fought, ... it goes on and on. This is why so many people desire to reconcile with estranged siblings, parents, friends, ... before they die, if they know they are terminal. This is just simple human nature. Once someone is gone, it just sheds everything in a new light. I had a challengoing break up, took me a very long time to get over him. We had a passionate relationship - up and down, fighting, breaking up, getting back together. We finally ended it, I still had hurt feelings, ... And then, all of sudden, reading the paper, I saw his obituary. Stunning. He was only 50. All of the sudden, I just thought, "wow, he's gone, all that fighting for what?". In an instant, everything just changed. I wasn't all maudlin, I was surprised, but I didn't get all emotional, I just thought, wow, all that emotional energy and now he's just gone. I think this is best for you. It's all over. He knows. Now you can move on, once and for all. How so to all of that when she said: The affair feels very real and raw again to me abc I'm left wondering whether my husband was in love with her and now in death she has become more 'special' I find myself questioning everything about our relationship again 1
Stellar Wench Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Who cares if they were friends before the affair? The affair violated the friendship and the marriage. Oh but that reality is not something that some ow want to accept is it? 2
findingnemo Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I wouldn't tell my H that his OW died. If he wanted to know something about her, I'm sure he'd have found out on his own. I clearly recall wanting my H to have zero contact with the OWs. I required that I never hear that they were ever together. I demanded that should he bump into them in a public place, he would do whatever it takes to avoid even a "Hello". That was the price of staying M. I refused to tolerate what I saw as further humiliation in the eyes of the public. With that, how could I be the one to violate those rules by informing him of a OW's death? Since the OP has been checking up on the OW and has now discovered she's dead, let it end there. Why is it an emotional issue? Why feel bad about knowing this fact? I wouldn't. I would simply move on knowing that I never have to check on her again and that with time it'll be something I won't think about. That's how I view it anyway. 1
beenburned Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I personally know of a BW whose H cheated in his older years. On d-day she called a family meeting with the adult children to discuss what she should do. They immediately took her to a lawyer to find out what her rights were, because she had been a SAHM her entire life. They eventually reconciled, then several years later he died suddenly of cancer. She inherited everything. The year after his death, strangers knocked on her door, it was the grown children of his XOW! :eek:They introduced themselves, then told her they were here to give her the 2 titles to the cars her H had bought for XOW during the affair! They also told her the XOW had recently passed away also. She told them they could do as they pleased with the cars, as she didn't need or want them. I'm sure a lawyer probably advised them about the assets being bought with marital property, and she could go after them to collect it! This just goes to show you that secrets usually come out sooner or later! 2
beenburned Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 nemo, I agree with your posts! I think I would keep the info to myself, and if he found out later on his own, see if he talks to you about it.
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