anne1707 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 You actually think her husband is going to tell her if he knew she died? How do any of us know? You know just as well as I do. He is not posting here so none of us can say one way or another. Have I updated my H on things I know about the ex-OM that could be seen as significant? Of course I have. How else can we rebuild a marriage without being honest.
PhoenixRise Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 You actually think her husband is going to tell her if he knows that she died? None of us know if the husband knows or not.
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Maybe because when reconciling a marriage after an affair, it is essential for both parties to be honest and open with each other. She can be honest and open. If H ever asks her if she knew the OW died, she can say "yes" It would be hypocritical for the BS to expect 100% honesty from the WS yet not be prepared to reciprocate. Not really, the BS did F their spouse over. That aside, it depends on what is said and not said. Like I said before, not EVERYTHING has to be declared to a spouse. Only that which is relevant to the marriage, such as infidelity. 1
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Clearly the OP sees it as keeping a secret. Yes, she does, and I'm here to tell her, she shouldn't feel that way. Its not something she is obliged to tell. Let the H find out on his own if he ever does. 1
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Have I updated my H on things I know about the ex-OM that could be seen as significant? Of course I have. How else can we rebuild a marriage without being honest. But there is the difference, that is your obligation to your H as the cheater. Dunno1978 hasn't done anything to her H. Again, so what if she knows and H doesn't. Too bad. 1
anne1707 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 She can be honest and open. If H ever asks her if she knew the OW died, she can say "yes" Not really, the BS did F their spouse over. That aside, it depends on what is said and not said. Like I said before, not EVERYTHING has to be declared to a spouse. Only that which is relevant to the marriage, such as infidelity. But who decides what is relevant? Just one spouse without consultation with the other? Isn't that the same kind of thought process that the WS had leading up to the affair? Keeping secrets does not build a healthy marriage. 1
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 She can be honest and open. If H ever asks her if she knew the OW died, she can say "yes" Not really, the BS did F their spouse over. That aside, it depends on what is said and not said. Like I said before, not EVERYTHING has to be declared to a spouse. Only that which is relevant to the marriage, such as infidelity. Correction, "the BS did NOT F their spouse over"
anne1707 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 But there is the difference, that is your obligation to your H as the cheater. Dunno1978 hasn't done anything to her H. Again, so what if she knows and H doesn't. Too bad. No. Honesty is my obligation as a wife. Just as it is an obligation for my husband to be honest with me.
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 But who decides what is relevant? Dunno1978 does Just one spouse without consultation with the other? Isn't that the same kind of thought process that the WS had leading up to the affair? Nope. Dunno1978 is not the betrayer and the information she has isn't something kept from her H that is relevant. Now if Dunno1978 went out and had sex with another man, then yes, she needs to come clean. Keeping secrets does not build a healthy marriage. If someone pissed their pants, do they absolutely HAVE to tell their spouse about it? Again, not everything in a relationship needs to be declared. This is an irrelevant secret. The OW died. Why SHOULD Dunno tell her H about it? And no, for the sake of not keeping an irrelevant secret is not an answer. "oh, by the way, your OW kicked the bucket last week. I'm sorry for your pain":rolleyes:
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 No. Honesty is my obligation as a wife. Just as it is an obligation for my husband to be honest with me. So if he found out your OM croaked, he is obligated to tell you eh? Gee, how awkward for him. And if you were always completely honest, you wouldn't have cheated on him in the first place.
anne1707 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 There seems to me a certain irony in this thread where I, as a fWS am pushing for honesty and openness is the marriage from both parties as an essential part of reconciliation. Yet other posters seem to see it as acceptable for a BS to hide the truth (but don't let the fWS ever dare to hide anything - that would be wrong). 1
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 There seems to me a certain irony in this thread where I, as a fWS am pushing for honesty and openness is the marriage from both parties as an essential part of reconciliation. Yet other posters seem to see it as acceptable for a BS to hide the truth (but don't let the fWS ever dare to hide anything - that would be wrong). Again, it depends on what knowledge the BS has. They don't have to tell the WS every irrelevant detail down to their irregular bowel movements. Like I said, the OW dying should be irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. If the BS has done something wrong, like cheated in revenge, or started to develop feelings for someone else, then by all means, they need to come clean. You call it hiding the truth. The truth about what? The OW died, sorry, but big deal. It isn't a grand event that needs to be declared. If H asks if she knows, then Dunno1978 can say yes. What is his answer going to be? "Why didn't you tell me???" Ya, I can see him asking that with a straight face while waiting for a frying pan upside the head. And the REAL irony comes from the fact that a cheater, who are liars by default, expects the BS to declare every little detail about everything that ever goes on for the rest of their lives. 1
anne1707 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Right, but that's irrelevant. The point I'm trying make is that he probably wouldn't tell the OP if he did know. The OP has a reason to check up on the OW . . . the husband does not. She owes him no information. Oh so you actually know the H? No? Well in that case, you have absolutely no idea one way or another about what he would do. None of us except the OP have any idea on that as we do not know him
anne1707 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I don't need to know him. You actually think a WH is going to run to his wife to tell her that he was cyberstalking his OW and found out she died. C'mon. How will he explain the cyberstalking away? "Oh she's dead, so I thought you wouldn't mind anyway?" C'mon???? How about him finding out ny chance. You have no idea what the H is doing so please don't accuse him of something without any evidence whatsoever. The one person we know who is keeping tracks is the OP, not the H! OP - apologies, I have been contributing to a t/j here. Your post is not about what your H should do. It is about what you should do. As a fWS, I recommend complete honesty - the foundation for a good marriage.
scatterd Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I did not mean anything bad by saying the lieing thing.What I was trying to say is when you are an open book in your marriage things are so much easier. spouses are not ussually concerned about what you tell them its what you dont that causes concern.If you feel guilty not telling him or what you have been doing is wrong.then you need to tell i beleive you feel guilty because you have gone to her page and your husband has no idea It can make you feel like you are not being truthfull.Its up to you to tell him or not but news has away of getting around any way.Im sorry you have a broken heart still.
Author Dunno1978 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 OP If you are still reading this... It is not about whether or not you are responsible for telling him. It is not about whether or not he deserves to know. It is about what kind of marriage you want going forward ........... You don't owe it to him to tell him his former OW died. But maybe you DO owe it to yourself (and the kind of marriage you want to be in going forward) to tell him what you know and to have an honest conversation with him about it. This is exactly how I see it too. I want our marriage to be different to the way it was per-affair and we made promises to be honest even if we were afraid of the pain it would / could cause. Fear of hurting each other was one of our problems before the affair and so we kept feelings buried. I guess I've known that I need to speak to my husband about it but have been afraid of opening up old wounds ..... I just needed to be clear in my own mind about how I feel and how I am going to bring it up. I know that the reason I checked on her was because I recently miscarried and the last time that happened was just after I discovered my husbands affair - I know that this miscarriage triggered those memories..... I will speak to him about it tomorrow evening, I can't tonight as I am out until 10pm and we need to not be rushed when it's discussed. Thankyou all for helping me to clear my mind and realise that I was falling into old traps that led to the affair in the first place
PhoenixRise Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 This is exactly how I see it too. I want our marriage to be different to the way it was per-affair and we made promises to be honest even if we were afraid of the pain it would / could cause. Fear of hurting each other was one of our problems before the affair and so we kept feelings buried. I guess I've known that I need to speak to my husband about it but have been afraid of opening up old wounds ..... I just needed to be clear in my own mind about how I feel and how I am going to bring it up. I know that the reason I checked on her was because I recently miscarried and the last time that happened was just after I discovered my husbands affair - I know that this miscarriage triggered those memories..... I will speak to him about it tomorrow evening, I can't tonight as I am out until 10pm and we need to not be rushed when it's discussed. Thankyou all for helping me to clear my mind and realise that I was falling into old traps that led to the affair in the first place Dunno1978 I am so sorry about your recent miscarriage. Under the circumstances, I can see how this might have triggered you to look up the former OW. I hope you and your husband are healing from the loss of your child together. I am glad you decided to talk to your husband. As you know, burying your feelings and keeping secrets can be corrosive to your relationship. Having this conversation could open up some old wounds but it seems like you and your husband are doing the hard work to reconcile and to make your marriage stronger than it was before the affair. Hopefully, you guys will work through this together and continue to build the foundation for the kind of marriage that you really want to be in. I wish you guys the best of luck. 1
nofool4u Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 C'mon???? How about him finding out ny chance. Then let him find out by chance. 1
nofool4u Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I will speak to him about it tomorrow evening, I can't tonight as I am out until 10pm and we need to not be rushed when it's discussed. Thankyou all for helping me to clear my mind and realise that I was falling into old traps that led to the affair in the first place Well hopefully if you tell him the OW died that he doesn't end up depressed or at the very least mourn in front of you. I don't know what I'd do if a SO of mine acted depressed over a man she would have screwed behind my back. I still am not of the opinion that you need to tell him about her dying, just as you don't need to tell him about every one of your bowel movements. Just that you need to talk to him about how you can't shake the affair and that you have triggers. But if you have decided to tell him that, good luck. Because I highly doubt it he found out she died that he'd say a word to you about it. 1
anne1707 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 This is exactly how I see it too. I want our marriage to be different to the way it was per-affair and we made promises to be honest even if we were afraid of the pain it would / could cause. Fear of hurting each other was one of our problems before the affair and so we kept feelings buried. I guess I've known that I need to speak to my husband about it but have been afraid of opening up old wounds ..... I just needed to be clear in my own mind about how I feel and how I am going to bring it up. I know that the reason I checked on her was because I recently miscarried and the last time that happened was just after I discovered my husbands affair - I know that this miscarriage triggered those memories..... I will speak to him about it tomorrow evening, I can't tonight as I am out until 10pm and we need to not be rushed when it's discussed. Thankyou all for helping me to clear my mind and realise that I was falling into old traps that led to the affair in the first place Dunno1978 No wonder you are in a state over this - you are bound to be feeling emotionally fragile after your miscarriage. I am so sorry for your loss. I agree that you need to speak to your H - especially at this time. Honesty in the marriage is essential to maintain healthy communication and to rebuild the connections lost during the affair. I know this is not going to be an easy conversation but you also know that you have got through worse together so you can do this. Look after yourself 1
NoIDidn't Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Dunno1978 I'm sorry for your recent loss and what it triggered. I think you should talk to your husband about the triggers for when you check up on the now-deceased OW. I'm sure you checked whenever you had those triggers. I hate to seem cold, but talking to him about this isn't about her - its about your feelings. And I think you should discuss those with him. Telling him of her passing will be the catalyst for a much needed conversation with your husband. 2
nofool4u Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Dunno1978 I'm sorry for your recent loss and what it triggered. As am I. Being a father, I can only imagine what you went through. I'm deeply sorry.
Stellar Wench Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I'm terribly sorry to learn of your miscarriage. Please take time for yourself and your family. Please don't waste any more time on a dead other woman. Take good care of yourself. 1
Author Dunno1978 Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Update The past week has been incredibly difficult for me. I informed my husband about the OW's death last Thursday and was initially quite surprised by his reaction. He stated that he was pleased due to the pain she had caused me after d-day (she had essentially sent me harassing emails etc for a year). We tearfully discussed how difficult that time had been and how it had made us stronger as a couple. Unprovoked my husband said that he would not search online for any more information about her as he did not want her to inhabit any space in his head. I had said that I would understand if he did want to, but he insisted that he was not interested in doing so. Nothing more was said about her death or the affair Tues evening my husband told me that he had been thinking about the OW and was experiencing regrets about how he had treated her and was remembering that at one point he enjoyed the friendship that they had. He said that he didn't miss the affair and who they both were in that, but did like her at one point as a friend and that was making him sad. It was incredibly hard to hear that and the pain I have felt watching him mourn at times her passing has been awful. The affair feels very real and raw again to me abc I'm left wondering whether my husband was in love with her and now in death she has become more 'special' I find myself questioning everything about our relationship again, but also acknowledge that he has been truthful and forthcoming about his feelings regarding her death and that isn't something he would have done before the affair 1
sad puppy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Update The past week has been incredibly difficult for me. I informed my husband about the OW's death last Thursday and was initially quite surprised by his reaction. He stated that he was pleased due to the pain she had caused me after d-day (she had essentially sent me harassing emails etc for a year). We tearfully discussed how difficult that time had been and how it had made us stronger as a couple. Unprovoked my husband said that he would not search online for any more information about her as he did not want her to inhabit any space in his head. I had said that I would understand if he did want to, but he insisted that he was not interested in doing so. Nothing more was said about her death or the affair Tues evening my husband told me that he had been thinking about the OW and was experiencing regrets about how he had treated her and was remembering that at one point he enjoyed the friendship that they had. He said that he didn't miss the affair and who they both were in that, but did like her at one point as a friend and that was making him sad. It was incredibly hard to hear that and the pain I have felt watching him mourn at times her passing has been awful. The affair feels very real and raw again to me abc I'm left wondering whether my husband was in love with her and now in death she has become more 'special' I find myself questioning everything about our relationship again, but also acknowledge that he has been truthful and forthcoming about his feelings regarding her death and that isn't something he would have done before the affair Don't you feel relieved now, though? He knows. She's gone. No more secrets, no more lies. It's all over. Regardless of the type of relationship, when someone passes away, so many people feel sad, regret if they treated someone badly, wish they had not fought, ... it goes on and on. This is why so many people desire to reconcile with estranged siblings, parents, friends, ... before they die, if they know they are terminal. This is just simple human nature. Once someone is gone, it just sheds everything in a new light. I had a challengoing break up, took me a very long time to get over him. We had a passionate relationship - up and down, fighting, breaking up, getting back together. We finally ended it, I still had hurt feelings, ... And then, all of sudden, reading the paper, I saw his obituary. Stunning. He was only 50. All of the sudden, I just thought, "wow, he's gone, all that fighting for what?". In an instant, everything just changed. I wasn't all maudlin, I was surprised, but I didn't get all emotional, I just thought, wow, all that emotional energy and now he's just gone. I think this is best for you. It's all over. He knows. Now you can move on, once and for all.
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