Dirtyeggroll Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 So to start things off I am in love with this girl and we have been talking for about 5 months now. As of now we have two major issues we have been dealing with. 1.We have still yet to become official because of the fact that she has commitment issues. But she tells me that we are pretty much a couple. We had a talk about all of this and she asked me whats so important about a title why do you want one so much? And to be honest I don't know why I do. I just figured since we do EVERYTHING that a couple does and when she refers to us as basically a couple, why not take the next step and just make it official. She says she doesn't want a serious relationship but does she not want the title of a relationship or the aspects of a relationship? It has to be the title because she says she enjoys what were doing and what we have been doing for the past 5 months. And what we have been doing includes all the aspects of a relationship and what couples do. So it has to be the title. She has only had 1 bf before me and he cheated on her twice so I am assuming that she is going to base all future relationships on how her first one went where she got cheated on. I have been nothing but patient with her and havent rushed her into doing things that she doesn't want to do. I have been very understanding of how she feels about the whole relationship thing. But lately I find myself facing reality and asking myself how much longer I am going to put up with this for. Because it really sucks that I really want a relationship with this girl but she doesn't want it nearly as much as I do. So thats the first issue that I hoped to get some advice on and this next one is somewhat technical so please try to bear with me. 2. For the past month this girl and I have been on an emotional rollercoaster and can't seem to get off. We literally keep going from things being good and amazing betweeen us to things falling apart and things being bad between us and then us not talking for a couple of days. This good/bad transition has happened 2 or 3 times in the last month and its emotionally draining for the both of us because we just want things to be good between each other and be able to enjoy each other without things getting in the way. Reasons for why things went bad: (1 and 3 are the technicallities and I will explain why) 1. She found out that I hooked up with another girl. 2. Had an STD scare which turned out to be a simple viral infection 3. (Happened last night) She asked me how many girls I had messed around with since we started talking and I truthfully told her. So 1 and 3 are technicallities because when we started talking for the first couple months and weren't as serious and weren't exclusive she set boundaries for our relationship. The main thing she told me was this: "Since we aren't serious or exclusive at the moment I don't want to hold you back from other girls. So you can do what you want with other girls as long as it isn't in front of me and as long as I don't find out about it." Those are her exact words. And we talked about that last night and she told me that when she set that rule she set it and didn't expect me to hook up with other girls at the most she just thought that I would kiss/makeout with other girls. And I told her "You really think that when you said I could do what I want with other girls that, that would translate to me as kissing/making out and not hooking up? Guys think about sex, sex and more sex thats how we are wired. So i feel like she should have been more specific on things that she wanted at the time. But now looking back at those random hook ups I regret them more than anything and it kills me to think that I did that. So bottom line is I did all that before we had became exculsive obviously and I didn't realize what exactly I wanted until after the fact. After I realized that I wanted to be with this girl and only her and after we became exclusive I was nothing but sweet and faithful. So last night when she asked me how many girls I messed around with since we have started talking, I truthfully told her and explained that the hook ups happened when we had looser rules set and when we weren't as serious. We have been exclusive for about a month and a half and I have done nothing but be the best guy I can be. I have put my entire heart and soul into this relationship to ensure that things would get better and improve, I have been faithful to her, and have truly showed her how much I care. And she took notice as well because she told her friends how I have literally done a complete 180 since everything that happened before we were exclusive. So last night she got upset about the fact that I hooked up with two girls which was something that happened in the past before we were that serious as I said. I honestly think that she is dwelling too much on the past and needs to forget about it as hard as that may be or else problems are going to keep coming up. I told her "you need to try to accept the past as ****ty as it was because we no longer have any control over it." We only have control of the present and the future and need to look forward to all the oppurtunities that it may bring. She said "Well sorry I can't forget about the past." And honestly I can't fix that for her. Only she can try to accept the past not me. I told her how she should try to focus on everything that I have done for the past month and a half and all the good that I done and the way that I have treated her. We are currently not talking and have gone through a "not talking phase" before. The first time that we stopped talking I told her that we would take a break from talking and that I will leave her alone and give her space and I ended up sticking to my promise and not initiating any contact. She ended going only a day before she told me how much she missed me and that she didn't like the whole no talking thing. I also think that is one of the reasons she keeps forgiving me and keeps coming back because of the fact that she likes me too much. She also said that she feels like and idiot for forgiving me multiple times, so either this is it and we are done or she is going to forgive me once more. I understand that she is upset and tired of the drama and it sucks to find out the one you like has hooked up with other people but is it 100% fair for her to act this way when she is the one that set such loose rules and wasn't as strict? Also like I said this hooking up with 2 girls is something that happened in the past not recently and the past month and a half as been nothing but amazing. So basically finding out months later that I did that and thinkiing of the past is what has angered her and made her not want to talk to me right now. If you have managed to read my entire post I thank you and appreciate it as it may be confusing and its a lot to read. I just really need some advice and opinions on where to go from here or to just end things finally cuz I am really lost and Im just trying to get girls and guys opinions on how she is acting about everything and what I should do next. And most of all I understand I may get a lot of **** for this post and i expect it. Because unless you know me or this girl and understand the situation its hard to be able to give advice and I understand that but I did my best to explain the situation as it was quite dificult.
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 we have been talking for about 5 months now. As of now we have two major issues we have been dealing with. Keep in mind that 5 months is not a lengthy relationship and far too early to be dealing with any major issues in my opinion. Especially when you've really only been exclusive for six weeks. 1.We have still yet to become official because of the fact that she has commitment issues Does she say she has "commitment issues" or are you basing that on her decision to not be your girlfriend yet. she asked me whats so important about a title why do you want one so much? And to be honest I don't know why I do. It turns out everyone has issues. Some of yours may become clearer after trying better to answer her question before saying she's the problem. Why is it so important for her to commit? Do you feel like you've earned it? Are you concerned about exclusivity? Are you worried about the legitimacy of children that you are planning? Do you experience pressure from your friends or family? Just curious. when she refers to us as basically a couple, why not take the next step and just make it official. She says she doesn't want a serious relationship That thing she's saying is a perfect answer to your question about why y'all shouldn't make it official. She has only had 1 bf before me and he cheated on her twice so I am assuming that she is going to base all future relationships on how her first one went where she got cheated on. That assumption is not fair. She probably deserves better than that from you. I have been nothing but patient with her and havent rushed her into doing things that she doesn't want to do. I have been very understanding of how she feels about the whole relationship thing. From here, you sound neither patient nor understanding. But lately I find myself facing reality and asking myself how much longer I am going to put up with this for. Did you ever answer this question? It may help to see your state as being induced primarily about your own anxiety about not being in a relationship, and not her cruel treatment of you of refusing to give into your demands for one. I'm not taking sides, just pointing out where your locus of control has been this whole time. Because it really sucks that I really want a relationship with this girl but she doesn't want it nearly as much as I do. That does suck. I'm sorry. So thats the first issue that I hoped to get some advice on A summary of my advice is to quit making so many assumptions about her and answer her original question of why this is important to you. Afterward, decide how important it is to you and respect her legitimate rights to feel a different way. We literally keep going from things being good and amazing betweeen us to things falling apart and things being bad between us and then us not talking for a couple of days. That's not a good sign. I hear that you're feeling emotionally drained by it. Is there any part of you that sort of likes this kind of thing? If no, the relationship doesn't sound worth saving. That said, your expectation that you guys "be able to enjoy each other without things getting in the way," while appropriate for a new relationship, is probably not a satisfactory long-term ideal. Reasons for why things went bad: (1 and 3 are the technicallities and I will explain why) Regardless of whatever technicalities are involved, it seems fit to mention that reasons 1-3 are all really the same reason. That your assessment of the relationship's good/bad qualities depends on whether this kind of thing is in the field is not a great sign. when we started talking for the first couple months and weren't as serious and weren't exclusive she set boundaries for our relationship. The main thing she told me was this: "Since we aren't serious or exclusive at the moment I don't want to hold you back from other girls. So you can do what you want with other girls as long as it isn't in front of me and as long as I don't find out about it." Those are her exact words. Those are terrible boundaries. You invited drama into your life by agreeing to them. It would have actually been less murky for you had you never set any boundaries to begin with! And we talked about that last night and she told me that when she set that rule she set it and didn't expect me to hook up with other girls at the most she just thought that I would kiss/makeout with other girls. That was stupid of her to think that. And I told her "You really think that when you said I could do what I want with other girls that, that would translate to me as kissing/making out and not hooking up? It was probably also stupid for you to point out about how she was stupid to think that. Guys think about sex, sex and more sex thats how we are wired. That's not really the problem, there's no need to even mention that you are wired for this behavior. It sounds like you're explaining your behavior, when the only failure according to her rules was being honest with her. So i feel like she should have been more specific on things that she wanted at the time. But now looking back at those random hook ups I regret them more than anything and it kills me to think that I did that. You regret that doing that is interfering with your current relationship, but you're absolutely correct in saying she should have been specific about her wants. She probably felt like she couldn't demand exclusivity without a relationship, but wants you to be exclusive anyway. I didn't realize what exactly I wanted until after the fact. You actually didn't realize exactly what she wanted until after the fact. I have done nothing but be the best guy I can be. I have put my entire heart and soul into this relationship to ensure that things would get better and improve, I have been faithful to her, and have truly showed her how much I care. That's a lot of effort to put into someone who isn't your girlfriend. I honestly think that she is dwelling too much on the past and needs to forget about it as hard as that may be or else problems are going to keep coming up. Problems don't come up because you acknowledge them. Problems have come up here, my friend. I told her "you need to try to accept the past as ****ty as it was because we no longer have any control over it." We only have control of the present and the future and need to look forward to all the oppurtunities that it may bring. That would only be true if it was a given that you guys have to get through this. It's not. She told you that she doesn't want a relationship with you. She's also hurt that you couldn't read her mind. Both are beyond your control, even with such sagely wisdom like "forget about it." She said "Well sorry I can't forget about the past." And honestly I can't fix that for her. Only she can try to accept the past not me. I told her how she should try to focus on everything that I have done for the past month and a half and all the good that I done and the way that I have treated her. That is one option. Please understand that she can also decide to stop seeing you, because you don't always seem to be acknowledging that. what I should do next1. Make a decision about whether you are happy with this relationship as it actually is rather than how you hope it could be. 2. Allow her to also make this decision without further input. To that end, be satisfied that you have already done your best to convince her that you're worth being in a relationship with. 3. If those decisions are incompatible, too bad. If you do both want to see each other, proceed with caution.
Author Dirtyeggroll Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 Keep in mind that 5 months is not a lengthy relationship and far too early to be dealing with any major issues in my opinion. Especially when you've really only been exclusive for six weeks. Does she say she has "commitment issues" or are you basing that on her decision to not be your girlfriend yet. It turns out everyone has issues. Some of yours may become clearer after trying better to answer her question before saying she's the problem. Why is it so important for her to commit? Do you feel like you've earned it? Are you concerned about exclusivity? Are you worried about the legitimacy of children that you are planning? Do you experience pressure from your friends or family? Just curious. That thing she's saying is a perfect answer to your question about why y'all shouldn't make it official. That assumption is not fair. She probably deserves better than that from you. From here, you sound neither patient nor understanding. Did you ever answer this question? It may help to see your state as being induced primarily about your own anxiety about not being in a relationship, and not her cruel treatment of you of refusing to give into your demands for one. I'm not taking sides, just pointing out where your locus of control has been this whole time. That does suck. I'm sorry. A summary of my advice is to quit making so many assumptions about her and answer her original question of why this is important to you. Afterward, decide how important it is to you and respect her legitimate rights to feel a different way. That's not a good sign. I hear that you're feeling emotionally drained by it. Is there any part of you that sort of likes this kind of thing? If no, the relationship doesn't sound worth saving. That said, your expectation that you guys "be able to enjoy each other without things getting in the way," while appropriate for a new relationship, is probably not a satisfactory long-term ideal. Regardless of whatever technicalities are involved, it seems fit to mention that reasons 1-3 are all really the same reason. That your assessment of the relationship's good/bad qualities depends on whether this kind of thing is in the field is not a great sign. Those are terrible boundaries. You invited drama into your life by agreeing to them. It would have actually been less murky for you had you never set any boundaries to begin with! That was stupid of her to think that. It was probably also stupid for you to point out about how she was stupid to think that. That's not really the problem, there's no need to even mention that you are wired for this behavior. It sounds like you're explaining your behavior, when the only failure according to her rules was being honest with her. You regret that doing that is interfering with your current relationship, but you're absolutely correct in saying she should have been specific about her wants. She probably felt like she couldn't demand exclusivity without a relationship, but wants you to be exclusive anyway. You actually didn't realize exactly what she wanted until after the fact. That's a lot of effort to put into someone who isn't your girlfriend. Problems don't come up because you acknowledge them. Problems have come up here, my friend. That would only be true if it was a given that you guys have to get through this. It's not. She told you that she doesn't want a relationship with you. She's also hurt that you couldn't read her mind. Both are beyond your control, even with such sagely wisdom like "forget about it." That is one option. Please understand that she can also decide to stop seeing you, because you don't always seem to be acknowledging that. 1. Make a decision about whether you are happy with this relationship as it actually is rather than how you hope it could be. 2. Allow her to also make this decision without further input. To that end, be satisfied that you have already done your best to convince her that you're worth being in a relationship with. 3. If those decisions are incompatible, too bad. If you do both want to see each other, proceed with caution. thank you for the thorough answers
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