mortensorchid Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I don't like the way this sounds. He had to be pushed to meet with you after a month of correspondance on the website, now you are pushing him once again to meet. He won't take the lead no matter what the situation is no doubt. Is this what you want out of this? You should ask yourself this, because this is what your future may be with this guy. I would move on myself.
2sunny Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 ES - Let me ask you something, ok? Do you have any idea why all your prior relationships ended? What have you learned from them ending? If you haven't learned yet - what works for you and what doesn't - then you need to learn that for YOURSELF and YOUR well being going into ANY dating experience in the future. What were YOU doing or not doing that was unhealthy for the R? What were some of the healthy things you were doing/not doing in that R?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 Ok, I know I sound confusing. I want a casual and fun dating situation minus the casual sex component. Sex does nothing for me unless I'm emotionally involved. I guess I want a friendship with a possibility of more when I'm ready. Perhaps this guy is offering exactly that. Perhaps I shouldn't even attempt to date in any form at this point. I certainly won't be pushing for more with this guy given my feelings. Maybe I am wondering because of ego/insecurity.
2sunny Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 That wasn't the question. I'm trying to get you to understand what you did or didn't do right in past relationships. You need to target what went wrong - and NOT participate that way anymore. Stop turning it on him - this is about the way YOU participate. That is what we CAN change.
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 ES: You've been talking to this guy for a month, but you just broke up with your ex like a month ago too. Did you not take a break between the end of that relationship and trying to find a new one? You need time to heal.
Kamille Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I always hated that my exs were so outgoing. They had million friends and would expect me to socialize with them all the time. I was always criticized for not talking enough so I would have to force myself to appear more outgoing than I really am. E, I say this because I do it too : you have to stop bending yourself over backward for the men you date (shy or not). The problem with your last relationship wasn't that your ex was extroverted and social. It was that 1) he criticized you and 2) You thought it was your job to force yourself to live up to his expectations. Swinging to "shy" isn't the magic solution here. The solution is to accept yourself as you are and expect the men you date to do so as well.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 ES: You've been talking to this guy for a month, but you just broke up with your ex like a month ago too. Did you not take a break between the end of that relationship and trying to find a new one? You need time to heal. I was back on OKC few hours after the break-up. I know, I know I think it's possible to heal while low-key dating.
eleanorhurting Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I was back on OKC few hours after the break-up. I know, I know I think it's possible to heal while low-key dating. so this guy is like a rebound
xxoo Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I was back on OKC few hours after the break-up. I know, I know I think it's possible to heal while low-key dating. It is, because healing can be a process that takes a long time, and will often include a period of low-key dating. But looking for new distraction that soon after a break up screams of avoidance. 1
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I think it's possible to heal while low-key dating. Sure, but this thread is proof that you're not low-key dating. You're stressing about whether he's interested. Low-key dating would involve not caring if he is interested, and moving on to the next one who shows you that he is.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I was back on OKC few hours after the break-up. I know, I know I think it's possible to heal while low-key dating. Seems like you really don't want to face the music with your last relationship, just feels impossible getting over it or at least easier with someone new holding you in their arms? I know in the end everyone does what they want to do regardless of whether what they think is best, or at least convince themselves that they can accomplish two things at once and avoid that undesirable feeling of being alone and feeling that pain, or even "dwelling" on the past however... Are you certain you want to get into a new mess before the old one is cleaned up? How do you plan on sifting through your incompatibilities with a new guy when a lot of your habits and what you're doing is from the old one? Do you even know If you're being you, or just the insecure version of you? And you're going to be able to hold in check those emotions from the past while developing new ones for someone else? Can't imagine a conflict or confusing taking place there? I have a really hard time understanding how many women overlap emotional experiences by overlapping one relationship with another, as If they are legos and you just connect them to form a straight line or layer them. And what is to be gained from the past? Just simply try not to do "that" again? That It just didn't work out? That hopefully you can bury that pain and emotion deep far enough you won't ever have to face it again? or someone new will replace that someone old. And people wonder why they are a mess, they wonder why hindsight is 20/20, or why they ended up with this person or that. Because in moments like these they take the easy way out, they follow their emotions and let them dictate their next decisions...who they choose, how they love, what they want. If guy A and B were similar so going with C who is different will equal success? This is unfortunately all too common, to the point that it sometimes seems like everything after the person who first breaks your heart is a rebound in some way shape or form. ::sigh:: So romantic 2
2sunny Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Wow Ninja - that is true for so many reasons. And it's exactly why it's never useful to jump right from any relationship right into another one. Some folks just don't want to learn how to be happy on their own. If hats the case - they'll never learn to be happy with someone else. Unfortunately, so many people don't do relationships in a healthy way... They're just so afraid of being alone that they choose anyone to be with - even a poor choice and/or wrong timing. OP - learn to live yourself all on your own - for a long time... Then think of dating someone else when you are happy.
mortensorchid Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 This is sounding more and more like a situation I was in a few years ago. I had been browsing the profiles on Match one day, came across this man and sent him a wink. We talked on the phone a few times, then met. He really was the world's most boring human. I asked what he did for fun, he said he got together with his buddies and they played cards and watched football. There were many a time that I considered not returning his calls, but we ended up going out three times. He never mentioned a friend or family member or anything about his work. In general, he was just plain boring. At some point, I think we just stopped functioning and phone calls were never returned. Was either party devistated? No not really. It was just plain bad. I think this is what's happening here. Consider it and then reevaluate this.
Leigh 87 Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Stick with low key dating... like Star said, that means just not bothering with men who do not show an interest. Unless they ask for another date, move on. If a guy is not clear about wanting another date, WONDERING about it is NOT " low key" dating - it is caring enough to bother, to potentially try something, so much energy wasted towadrs a guy who HAS NOT asked u for another date.....
zengirl Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 ES, I think you CAN heal while low-key dating (and I was back on OKC within a few days of my last breakup as well and it all worked out eventually), but I think you have to be totally 100% honest with yourself and what "low-key" dating is. I actually said in my profile that I was more looking for friends at that point and open to dating in the future, and I went on quite a few dutch-dates that were clearly not the real thing. I tried to be totally honest about it, with myself and others. It sounds like you're letting yourself get wrapped up in the wrong question ("does he like me?" should come after "am I ready?") I would strongly advise against pursuing shy guys like this one actively and pushing him out of his shell/comfort zone if you're not in a fully healed place----it's just not nice to him. And that's potentially using him to feed your ego. Why not just enjoy the emailing for now and the friendship that is developing since you're not REALLY in the place to date anyway. Maybe it will become something when you are -- and pushing then might be fine -- and maybe it won't. But really ASK yourself why you're tempted to push romance when it's not what you really want right now. That said, you can certainly mention in your emails that you'd be interested to see him again without chasing or pushing him. Just be light and authentic to yourself. If you find yourself "worrying" like this, though, it's not "low-key" dating anymore, you know? You need to taper off the anxiety for awhile.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Thanks guys. More than anything now I just want to find some peace within myself and dating is not going to help. Anyway, I have lost interest in this guy as a romantic prospect. He talked about how polyamory is something that he is really curious about and would try under the right circumstances. This is a deal-breaker for me, something that is completely black and white. Any mention of open relationships, multiple partners etc makes my skin crawl. The most I can handle is multi- dating before the exclusivity period. I am still open to being friends - I will just cut down the e-mailing back and forth all day. Too much wasted time that can be used better otherwise.
AlexDP Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I actually had many more problems with my ex and that was the least of them. He asked me out the day after meeting me (in fact, he asked me out the night of meeting me and just called the next day to confirm). It was his hot/cold behavior and pretty extreme switching between the two that was the problem (and he later admitted that was due to other girls). My ex was an extrovert, super-confident and outgoing. An alltogether different scenario. Also, I believe that for some guys - it's not in their nature to be in red-hot pursuit of anyone. My options are: 1. Keep corresponding with him like this and don't push things further. 2. Suggest a specific time to meet up and see what happens then. 3. Stop correspondence and move on. You were projecting.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 You were projecting. No.... we spoke about this at length and he admitted to being hot and cold due to considering other options. I was not just assuming this. He thought that I was very intuitive.
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Thanks guys. More than anything now I just want to find some peace within myself and dating is not going to help. Anyway, I have lost interest in this guy as a romantic prospect. He talked about how polyamory is something that he is really curious about and would try under the right circumstances. This is a deal-breaker for me, something that is completely black and white. Any mention of open relationships, multiple partners etc makes my skin crawl. The most I can handle is multi- dating before the exclusivity period. I am still open to being friends - I will just cut down the e-mailing back and forth all day. Too much wasted time that can be used better otherwise. When did you learn he's into polyamory? If you learned of this before you started this thread, you have an even bigger problem. I can't fathom why you'd be concerned or care whether someone you're not interested (in based on an obvious deal breaker) would be interested in you. Instead, upon learning of this huge deal breaker, you should have moved on completely. And knowing this and how you feel about it, why continue talking to him AT ALL? What good does it serve? I'm very concerned that this is going to turn into another situation where you bend yourself to meet his needs and make yourself insecure (yes, make yourself insecure, not his fault, as he's telling you who he is). I see this evolving into, "If he was into me enough, if I was good enough, he'd want me and only me." But for him, that line of thinking just isn't possible.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 Back in November of last year, I met a guy on POF. He was very much into texting so much so it took him until January to ask me out. And even then the date ended abruptly. For the next one month and a half, I was always the one initiating texts and checking up on him to see if he wanted to do a second date. He always skipped the questions where I ask him to meet up. When I stopped texting him, the whole communication/ small talk broke down. There are some guys who aren't interested but they like the ego feeding of a girl pursuing them through text. It's frustrating because they're stringing you along.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 No Star, I only learned about polyamory yesterday for the first time. If I have learned it earlier I wouldn't even meet up with him. In his match questions he always replied that he is for strict monogamy. It's not going to turn out into one of those stories. In the presence of a significant dealbreaker, I abort immediately.
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