really great article on dating multiple people

[mesmerized]

I think people who multidate and have intimacy with multiple people are casual dating and not followng the real proper dating process. In this case, I see nothing wrong with sleeping around.

[starla33]

It's wrong if the multi-dater doesn't inform any of the people he/she is dating that he/she is fooling around with multiple people. The people who thought they were dating the multi-dater for a relationship will be deceived, because they can't make an informed decision to pull out of the dating process.

 

It is deception.

 

I don't have a problem if people casually multi-date, as long as everyone who is involved is informed and thus can make an informed decision based on that information. When there's deception involved, then that's unethical, disrespectful, indecent and disloyal.

 

I for one would want to be informed so that I can pull out. I don't do love triangles, I don't date women who are involved with other men.

 

Exactly, this is why i say early on I'm looking for something serious. That will at least scare off SOME of them.

[oaks]

Sorry I disagree for people my age it definitely has.

 

How old are you (roughly)? I'm always keen to keep up with the lingo for you youngsters.

 

So what word or phrase do people your age use for someone who might date more than one person before choosing to become exclusive with just one but who also chooses not to have sex with multiple partners (or perhaps refuses to have casual sex outside a relationship altogether)? That was the style in which I multidated, and there was no question about having sex or even anything approaching that during that time.

[Buck Turgidson]

 

So... in the decade that perfected the bombshell bra, angora sweaters, and the phrase "heavy petting," you don't think there was any sleeping with dates? Surely you jest. Or, rather, surely you have an overly romantic misconception about the 1950s.

 

No, I think you are the one who is not quite in touch.

 

I come from a long line of people who married their high school sweethearts and are still married to them. Happily too.

 

My parents dated one other person before they dated each other. They've been together for 48 years.

 

Quantity isn't quality.

 

So, what you're saying is that dating sex didn't happen in the 50s because your parents are happily married. You do realize that makes no sense, right?

[RedRobin]

So, what you're saying is that dating sex didn't happen in the 50s because your parents are happily married. You do realize that makes no sense, right?

 

Of course it happened. It didn't happen with multiple people simultaneously. Nor was there the expectation that you had sex with someone before you were 'exclusive'... ideally on or before the third date... then you f*ck, or 'play', or swap body fluids for awhile in some form or fashion and then see if you want to drop your other multidating buddies.

 

I honestly don't know what other multidaters do when they go on their dates. It is just alot easier to avoid them altogether. I'm glad I came here and found the 'word' for it though... because I've witnessed it alot when I did OLD and didn't have a word for it except I knew I didn't want to participate.

 

I've gone back over some old threads here on LS and have to agree with the prior poster.

 

Casual dating, multidating... it is all the same in my book.

 

I'm not here to tell anyone how to date. What I don't like is people telling me to get with the times and accept it... or rewriting history to support their multiple messing around habit/style... whatever you want to call it. If the people you date are ok with it, then fine.

[RedRobin]

How old are you (roughly)? I'm always keen to keep up with the lingo for you youngsters.

 

So what word or phrase do people your age use for someone who might date more than one person before choosing to become exclusive with just one but who also chooses not to have sex with multiple partners (or perhaps refuses to have casual sex outside a relationship altogether)? That was the style in which I multidated, and there was no question about having sex or even anything approaching that during that time.

 

I have some tolerance for the gray zone... not much... but some... In your case, I'm sure it was obvious to your dates that you were legitimately trying to get to know them instead of trying to dive down their shorts ASAP.

 

Still, now that you know there are people who are against 'multidating'... you can probably understand now why some women you thought you had a connection with suddenly stop returning your calls or tell you you aren't a match, or just make themselves unavailable. If that has ever happened.

 

Because I've done that. I've gone on a few dates with someone, and felt that rush of building enthusiasm... only to have water thrown on it when I detect the inconsistencies, the fuzzy-wuzzy story telling, and the details that don't quite line up that people tend to do when they are seeing multiple people. Even if they are up front (and I've tried that)... it doesn't make me want to invest any time with them and I'll only go out with them if I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time... which is not often.

 

funny thing is, when this happens to a guy, he'll probably tell himself that she had some other guy on her line. I don't. I don't need other options to know that he's not a match for me.

 

So, long story short. Multidating is a huge buzz kill.

[oaks]

Still, now that you know there are people who are against 'multidating'...

 

I don't think this thread has improved my education, not least because it's a topic that's been done to death on this forum in the past.

[RedRobin]

I don't think this thread has improved my education, not least because it's a topic that's been done to death on this forum in the past.

 

Whenever there are new people, these topics will resurface.

 

What is frustrating for me is that I don't want to go into a date throwing down lots of rules right off the bat... That is a buzz kill too. I'd like to find a way to preserve those trusting, hopeful feelings while giving the other person the space they need.

 

Maybe you can tell me how you build trust with one person while you are seeing others? Because that is the disconnect for me. I'm not trying to be snarky. I'd really like to understand because I don't see that happening unless I decide to stop caring and stop trusting. Just be cynical and stop thinking people are trustworthy... because that is the sense I get from those who 'multidate'. They've been burned, so their response is to invest as little as possible from the get-go and hope one of them works out.

 

When I've tried dating people who were dating others simultaneously, I've found that it kills the spontaneous joy in getting to know someone. It also creates an environment where lots of people are canceling dates and lying about why. Lots of better-dealing. I don't feel good when a guy cancels a date to be with me. I feel it is only a matter of time before he is better-dealing me. Overall, I really feel it pollutes the dating environment for everyone in the long run...

 

I realize that I'm shrinking my own pool somewhat by refusing to date men who are 'multidating', but I really feel it points to deeper value differences that are not going to be resolved with more time. I wish that wasn't the case.

 

I'm always disappointed and a little sad when I have to tell someone who is 'multidating' that I don't want to see him anymore.

 

I'm sad that people can't overcome their fear of being 'alone' even long enough to spend a few focused dates getting to know someone.

 

Sorry for the long post... it is not my intention to beat what is probably a dead horse for alot of people. Just thought it might be helpful for some people to understand my experience a little. In a less confrontational way.

[RedRobin]

on second thought... it probably isn't worth obsessing over.

 

Multidating is probably no different than having an open house when you are trying to sell your home. They walk in, look around, then walk out. If that is the extent of someone's engagement, then I can't see the harm.

 

It's when all the potential home buyers insist on taking up space in your 'home' for awhile to test it out... or that I have to share space with others in the 'home' I'm interested in... yea, that's the disconnect.

 

I'm putting my house on the market in a few weeks. Interestingly enough, neither me or my real estate agent are big fans of open houses. We prefer to carefully screen and show the house one at a time. We feel it showcases the house the best way and limits the number of looky-loos who aren't serious. Hmmm... yea, that about sums it up for me.

 

okay. Thanks for the discussion.

[oaks]

on second thought... it probably isn't worth obsessing over.

 

Little is worth obsessing over, but there's nothing wrong with holding strong views on this.

 

If the idea that your potential dating partner might multidate leaves a sour taste in your mouth (and it does for some people) then by all means share your view with your date. If they don't want to see you again because of this (or you don't want to see them because of their view) then you and they weren't compatible. Hopefully that's a no-harm no-foul situation.

 

Personally I'm not against multidating, and I've done it myself (in the very early stages of dating, but not the sex-while-dating-others variety) and I don't expect exclusivity without having discussed and agreed it first because expecting exclusivity (vs asking and agreeing to it) seems weird to me.

[zengirl]

Back in the golden age of dating, the 1950's, what you folks are calling "multidating" was called "dating." There was a difference between dating and "going steady." This blog asks "what happened to dating," but I ask "what happened to going steady." Instead, these days, for some reason you're expected to monogamously commit to someone pretty much before you've even met them. That's an utterly ludicrous expectation.

 

[snip]

 

There is absolutely nothing in here about dating being for fun, for exploration, for finding the right person. If you're not having fun; if you're not exploring, then you're not finding the right person. Finding the right person means searching; it means going on dates with multiple people so that you know what you're looking for, and you know it when you find it.

 

Children of the '50s knew this. It was common and expected that everyone had a different date on Friday than they had on Saturday, until you found someone and gave them your class ring, or whatever. If you understand that your date for the evening is looking for the right one, just like you are, there's no reason to get all upset that they'll be dating someone else tomorrow. Not until you're "going steady," in a mutually-agreed-upon relationship.

 

Perfect summary, IMO. Yes, I was a "multi-dater" when I was dating, because I didn't want to throw weeks or months away on the wrong guy and miss out on the right one. I had another date the weekend I first went out with hubby (he knows). I only made one more second date, and I knew pretty quickly that hubby was going to be something special -- our dinner date wound up lasting 6 hours till everywhere was closed and we had nowhere left to sit and talk -- so I just didn't happen to set up more dates with others, though I did have another one already set up with someone else that first week. After that, I chose to focus on hubby because I wanted to spend lots of time with him. However, I think that has to happen organically or it's meaningless.

 

Besides, I know I'd be much LESS likely to give a guy a chance if going out with him meant I had to treat it as though it was something other than just a date---if it meant I had to turn down other dates and exclude possibilities just to SEE if I was even remotely interested. So, I really don't get the OP's assertion how you're not giving someone a "chance." They're more likely to get a chance if you're open to chances and people and dates and not expecting every single person you date to be a "going steady" situation and certainly not right away.

 

FWIW, hubby doesn't 'multi-date' and never did. He's a chaser. He fixates on one girl and goes after her until he gets her or he fails. So, I think the idea of 'dating styles shouldn't mix' is silly too. Hubby knows I went on a few dates with other people when we first started dating, and it doesn't make him insecure or prompt him to call me names. He just understands that my way of dating isn't always the same as his---I think being able to understand that your partner is different from you is a GREAT ability in a relationship. And this is one of those issues that once you are in a committed relationship really doesn't matter or impact anything, so it's not a LT compatibility issue or anything.

 

Anyway, I get the issues someone may have if they're sleeping with someone and suspect they're sleeping around (simple 50s style solution: don't sleep with anyone until you're going 'steady'! I never did), but dating doesn't necessarily mean sex.

[RedRobin]

Zengirl, I would be ok with your approach... ie, you go out on a few dates then focus on one.

 

That hasn't been my personal observation with the multidaters I went out with though. They were simultaneously trying to hook up and sexually test out as many women as possible... then they decide after sex if they could be exclusive.

 

The idea of 'exclusivity' just meant sexual exclusivity (ha ha) in that they would claim they weren't sleeping with other women, but would maintain their rights to continue dating. I'm seeing that opinion in this thread.

 

So, it appears there is some spectrum of behavior here.

 

Let me ask you though, if your now husband was a multidater, and insisted on having sex with you before establishing exclusivity, what would your answer be? How long would you have tolerated him sleeping with other women while he was dating you?

 

I think I know... but I'm asking because I think your ability to establish trust with the man who is now your husband was solidified BECAUSE he doesn't multidate. I can imagine that, in turn, made you want to be open with him and stop seeing others even in a non-sexual way.

 

That's what I'm talking about.

 

And oh, only seeing one person at a time isn't a commitment. It isn't even going 'steady'... it is deciding...one person at a time... to give them your full attention. Nothing more than that. This is what I liked most about the original article.

[zengirl]

Let me ask you though, if your now husband was a multidater, and insisted on having sex with you before establishing exclusivity, what would your answer be? How long would you have tolerated him sleeping with other women while he was dating you?

 

Well, I would never (and have never), personally, have sex outside of an exclusive relationship. I certainly think it's silly to have sex outside of an exclusive relationship IF an exclusive relationship is what you're interested in with the person (I never did it, but I "get" casual hookups---I don't get trial sex; if I know I want a relationship with the person, I want the FULL relationship or nothing and if I'm trying to decide if I want a relationship with the person, sex is only going to confuse things). But that's my view on sex.

 

I don't think other people are "wrong" if they have another view---I just don't get the point of sleeping with someone you'd like to be in a relationship with but aren't. If hubby had been casually sleeping around when we first met, I'm not sure if it would've mattered or not as long as I didn't have to "pry" monogamy from him; I only wanted to date men who were willingly and happily monogamous and craved that from me, not men who gave it begrudgingly. But we definitely would not have had sex until we were monogamous---because that's just always been a standard for me.

 

If any man insisted on having sex with me before establishing exclusivity, I would not go out with the man again. No interest in those sorts of men, personally.

 

I think I know... but I'm asking because I think your ability to establish trust with the man who is now your husband was solidified BECAUSE he doesn't multidate. I can imagine that, in turn, made you want to be open with him and stop seeing others even in a non-sexual way.

 

Perhaps. But I've dated men who did multi-date, much like I do, or engaged in casual sex and so forth. And I've been able to establish trust there too. I think establishing trust is more about character and commitment to the particular relationship than dating views. I don't mind if someone needs to get to know me before they want to commit themselves 100% to me and give me their full attention; hubby is the type who's actually difficult to get on a date. (I had to chase him for that first date!) But he's the type that once something catches his eye, he goes for it---he just doesn't date much because he's all in or not in. I think that's a particular mindset, and not necessarily the best one. It worked for us, but I don't think he's the only trustworthy kind of man.

 

ETA: I do think hubby's particular WAY of chasing made it fairly impossible for me to date others, which was fine because I didn't want to because I adored him early on. A man with a similar style who I was moderately interested in (but not crazy about) probably would not be someone I wanted to see again, and maybe that's for the best if I wasn't as interested as they were. I don't turn down dates that might be great for a man I'm "kinda" interested in but don't know yet. Why would anyone? So, my point was that the style does not "give people a chance" but rather keep you from giving many more people a chance.

 

At any rate, my theory is always: maintain your own boundaries, go after what you want, and let things fall where they may. Don't try to force anything. I don't think dating styles cause problems---people cause themselves problems by thinking someone would be perfect "if only" something were different --- that's terrible thinking.

Edited March 12, 2012 by zengirl

[RedRobin]

Thank you for the detailed explanation.

 

If the situation were reversed (ie, someone like you were the man) I wouldn't have a problem with the handful of dates you went on either.

 

And thank you too for establishing that your H's style worked for this particular situation, where it might not have worked for others because, hey, you just weren't that into the others. That syncs too.

 

I'm not so proud to acknowledge that not every guy is going to be into me and vice versa. Am just trying the way that (hopefully) keeps me from becoming bitter, jaded and feeling used.

 

It has been a very long time since I was on the dating 'market'. Almost 20 years. So, you can see I've got lots of catching up to do. Thanks and have a great day!