starla33 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Understanding Why Dating Several People at a Time is Messy & a Sign of Your Emotional Unavailability & Commitment Resistance | Baggage Reclaim Thoughts? I have to completely agree, but think it is ok to be dating around for the first few dates, but after that seems like you aren't really giving someone a chance if you keep on going.
fishtaco Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Disagree. Multidating is simply a dating philosophy, an approach. Some people like it, some people don't. There are pros and cons, so it comes down to personal preference. Saying someone is defective just because they are multidating, or insert whatever you want here, is jumping to conclusions. Not to mention different regions tend to have different dating cultures. But I do agree that someone who does not multidate should not date someone that does. Two separate worlds, keep them separated. But, there's no need for insults. 2
ls32ssibm Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Not for me, and I honestly wouldn't be too interested in a girl who was seeing other guys while I was seeing her, even if we aren't officially exclusive yet. 2
RedRobin Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I agree with everything that article said, and for all the reasons it gave why multidating is counterproductive to finding a relationship. I won't do it, nor will I knowingly date someone who multidates. Big waste of my time. 1
Author starla33 Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 I agree with everything that article said, and for all the reasons it gave why multidating is counterproductive to finding a relationship. I won't do it, nor will I knowingly date someone who multidates. Big waste of my time. So how do you go about doing that? Do tell the guy you don't multi-date? It seems like most people do it these days
RedRobin Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 So how do you go about doing that? Do tell the guy you don't multi-date? It seems like most people do it these days My style has changed as my awareness of this dating style has changed. Now that I know it exists, and alot of people do it, yes, I tell men that I only date one person at a time. That if I"m agreeing to meet them for a date, they are the only person I'm seeing. By default, I'm exclusive. If I stop being interested in a man, or think it won't work out, I tell him I'm not interested. No juggling, no lies of omission, no fudging about who I'm spending time with. It is so incredibly drama free. If the guy insists on dating multiple women (and plenty do and lie about it), I stop seeing them. The trick is, you can't take a man's word for it that they are 'exclusive' if they've been multidating. You need to see his behavior and actions over time. Even then, the urge will always be there for them to pick things up with one of his other multidater buddies if there are any blips whatsoever in your relationship. So, I just avoid them altogether.
Author starla33 Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 I wonder if telling them you date one guy at a time will freak them out these days haha
RedRobin Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 It doesn't freak them out. Alot of men like being the focus of your attention. They just don't expect me to apply the same standards to them. That's where things get sticky. I don't really have any need to tell other people how to date though. I'm not mean about it. It is alot easier to politely walk away rather than make a fuss. Sometimes I tell them our values don't match, and leave it at that. No biggie.
TheSingleGuy Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 If a guy tells a girl he's not seeing anyone else, on a first date, that'll be his last date with her too. Agree or disagree? Wouldn't that feel like too much pressure for a woman?
Feelin Frisky Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Hmmm, multi-dating. For a guy, that can get awful expensive. Even if I had the cake I'd probably not want to do it because it would mostly likely involve some lying or truth withholding. (I don't consider having a booty call list of willing women who just are good with a spur of the moment f* to count as a party in a multidating scenario.) I feel very guilty and dirty about doing that. It can however easily become a way in which guys who can and do pull it off get "clubby" and competitive with each other if and when they get to know others who live that way. It becomes a joke of how many you can juggle at once. That can be very boosting for an ego but I personally feel that it's just wrong if any of the women are being led on to think you are really committing to them. I won't lead someone on and play games with breaking a heart. As for women, mutidating would also involve getting a few "stories" straight and lying or withholding truth. There are some females who are "get-over artists" that milk dudes for material things and they are shallow if not a tad sociopathic. But I tend to think well of people and assume that most females are not "players" and con artists, and lying to fabricate stories to let them juggle a few guys is the small exception and not the rule. I could be wrong but I chose to think well of people.
Buck Turgidson Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Back in the golden age of dating, the 1950's, what you folks are calling "multidating" was called "dating." There was a difference between dating and "going steady." This blog asks "what happened to dating," but I ask "what happened to going steady." Instead, these days, for some reason you're expected to monogamously commit to someone pretty much before you've even met them. That's an utterly ludicrous expectation. She gives some strawmen reasons why people might date^H^H^H^Hmultidate, including: "I'm just trying these guys out for size." Well, say I, "duh." That is what dating is FOR. "I don't want to get into a relationship too quickly," to which she responds "Who said you have to go straight to a relationship? Where is the fire?" I fail to see how this is an argument for monogamy-before-meeting. Instead, she's expanding the boundary of monogamy to include even things that aren't even remotely relationships. That's crazy. She asks, "But, is it just me that wonders what happened to dating one person at a time?" My answer: "no, everyone who has forgotten the history of dating wonders this." Dating only one-at-a-time is a pretty new phenomenon. She asks, "Do you want to perpetuate the very behaviour that drives you insane when you’re on the receiving end of it?" I answer: "grow a thicker skin." There is absolutely nothing in here about dating being for fun, for exploration, for finding the right person. If you're not having fun; if you're not exploring, then you're not finding the right person. Finding the right person means searching; it means going on dates with multiple people so that you know what you're looking for, and you know it when you find it. Children of the '50s knew this. It was common and expected that everyone had a different date on Friday than they had on Saturday, until you found someone and gave them your class ring, or whatever. If you understand that your date for the evening is looking for the right one, just like you are, there's no reason to get all upset that they'll be dating someone else tomorrow. Not until you're "going steady," in a mutually-agreed-upon relationship. 4
Forever Learning Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Back in the golden age of dating, the 1950's, what you folks are calling "multidating" was called "dating." There was a difference between dating and "going steady." This blog asks "what happened to dating," but I ask "what happened to going steady." Instead, these days, for some reason you're expected to monogamously commit to someone pretty much before you've even met them. That's an utterly ludicrous expectation. She gives some strawmen reasons why people might date^H^H^H^Hmultidate, including: "I'm just trying these guys out for size." Well, say I, "duh." That is what dating is FOR. "I don't want to get into a relationship too quickly," to which she responds "Who said you have to go straight to a relationship? Where is the fire?" I fail to see how this is an argument for monogamy-before-meeting. Instead, she's expanding the boundary of monogamy to include even things that aren't even remotely relationships. That's crazy. She asks, "But, is it just me that wonders what happened to dating one person at a time?" My answer: "no, everyone who has forgotten the history of dating wonders this." Dating only one-at-a-time is a pretty new phenomenon. She asks, "Do you want to perpetuate the very behaviour that drives you insane when you’re on the receiving end of it?" I answer: "grow a thicker skin." There is absolutely nothing in here about dating being for fun, for exploration, for finding the right person. If you're not having fun; if you're not exploring, then you're not finding the right person. Finding the right person means searching; it means going on dates with multiple people so that you know what you're looking for, and you know it when you find it. Children of the '50s knew this. It was common and expected that everyone had a different date on Friday than they had on Saturday, until you found someone and gave them your class ring, or whatever. If you understand that your date for the evening is looking for the right one, just like you are, there's no reason to get all upset that they'll be dating someone else tomorrow. Not until you're "going steady," in a mutually-agreed-upon relationship. What a great reply! And you are so right. There is alot to be learned from the 1950's. Thanks for jogging my memory about these concepts, love it! Well done.
RedRobin Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 If a guy tells a girl he's not seeing anyone else, on a first date, that'll be his last date with her too. Agree or disagree? Wouldn't that feel like too much pressure for a woman? Talking about your values is completely appropriate in early discussions. I'm exclusive by default... not because the guy did anything to 'earn' it (hence the pressure) but because I feel that provides the best chance to get to know someone. that way, when I say I'm busy... he can trust I really am. When we become intimate, he knows I'm not setting up a date with guy #2 or #3 to test out their kissing style. Or piling up lots of free meals... or whatever that guy might be worried about. I know what I want. I don't need to comparison shop.
RedRobin Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Back in the golden age of dating, the 1950's, what you folks are calling "multidating" was called "dating." There was a difference between dating and "going steady." This blog asks "what happened to dating," but I ask "what happened to going steady." Instead, these days, for some reason you're expected to monogamously commit to someone pretty much before you've even met them. That's an utterly ludicrous expectation. She gives some strawmen reasons why people might date^H^H^H^Hmultidate, including: "I'm just trying these guys out for size." Well, say I, "duh." That is what dating is FOR. "I don't want to get into a relationship too quickly," to which she responds "Who said you have to go straight to a relationship? Where is the fire?" I fail to see how this is an argument for monogamy-before-meeting. Instead, she's expanding the boundary of monogamy to include even things that aren't even remotely relationships. That's crazy. She asks, "But, is it just me that wonders what happened to dating one person at a time?" My answer: "no, everyone who has forgotten the history of dating wonders this." Dating only one-at-a-time is a pretty new phenomenon. She asks, "Do you want to perpetuate the very behaviour that drives you insane when you’re on the receiving end of it?" I answer: "grow a thicker skin." There is absolutely nothing in here about dating being for fun, for exploration, for finding the right person. If you're not having fun; if you're not exploring, then you're not finding the right person. Finding the right person means searching; it means going on dates with multiple people so that you know what you're looking for, and you know it when you find it. Children of the '50s knew this. It was common and expected that everyone had a different date on Friday than they had on Saturday, until you found someone and gave them your class ring, or whatever. If you understand that your date for the evening is looking for the right one, just like you are, there's no reason to get all upset that they'll be dating someone else tomorrow. Not until you're "going steady," in a mutually-agreed-upon relationship. In the 1950's, they weren't sleeping with their dates. It is that uncertainty that has upped the ante on what is considered a 'date'. 'multidating' has become synonymous with sleeping with multiple people and player behavior. Not someone looking for a legitimate relationship. Not to mention, in the 1950's, they were looking for someone to marry. They were looking for specific qualities. Not someone to f*ck for a few days, weeks, months, or years. 1
threebyfate Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 'multidating' has become synonymous with sleeping with multiple people and player behavior. Not someone looking for a legitimate relationship. Where did you get this assumption from? While I don't personally have statistics, I'm betting that a goodly portion of people don't sleep around when multi-dating. As a sample size of one, I didn't sleep around when multi-dating.
Author starla33 Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 Where did you get this assumption from? While I don't personally have statistics, I'm betting that a goodly portion of people don't sleep around when multi-dating. As a sample size of one, I didn't sleep around when multi-dating. I don't know where you live. But everyone I know that multi dates especially the guys def sleep around with tons of girls they date
threebyfate Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I don't know where you live. But everyone I know that multi dates especially the guys def sleep around with tons of girls they dateIn Vancouver, Canada. But when I was single and multi-dating, I didn't use online dating sites, only dating guys that I've known for years or guys who were verifiable through friends and family.
oaks Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 'multidating' has become synonymous with sleeping with multiple people and player behavior. No, it has not.
Author starla33 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 No, it has not. Sorry I disagree for people my age it definitely has.
dasein Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 'multidating' has become synonymous with sleeping with multiple people and player behavior. No, it has not. The definition of "multidating" is, as someone else points out, identical to the definition of "dating." It is people who don't like the fact that someone they go on a date with may be dating others who have coined the term "multidating" which is actually a needless term. Now, I -do- assume that any woman I go out is likely -sleeping- with someone, an ex, a fwb, some dude at work, an extended ONS, because in my experience, my male friends, and according to my female friends, most of them ARE these days. That's fine, it's their prerogative, just as it is mine. We live in an oversexed culture with countless sources telling young women that if they aren't perpetually sexually active, they are missing out or not leading a "fully fabulous life." It's a given reality of social life today. In that kind of environment, only a very foolish person would agree to exclusivity before clear understanding about sexual behavior and expectations is reached, and it is on the person with restrictive expectations to express them. Simple, little room for misunderstanding. I disagree with the article, which goes way over the line of attributing negative character traits to those who date more than one person at a time.
RedRobin Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 To each their own. I don't date multidaters. You stick to your kind. I'll stick to mine. Less drama that way.
Buck Turgidson Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 In the 1950's, they weren't sleeping with their dates. So... in the decade that perfected the bombshell bra, angora sweaters, and the phrase "heavy petting," you don't think there was any sleeping with dates? Surely you jest. Or, rather, surely you have an overly romantic misconception about the 1950s.
RedRobin Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 So... in the decade that perfected the bombshell bra, angora sweaters, and the phrase "heavy petting," you don't think there was any sleeping with dates? Surely you jest. Or, rather, surely you have an overly romantic misconception about the 1950s. No, I think you are the one who is not quite in touch. I come from a long line of people who married their high school sweethearts and are still married to them. Happily too. My parents dated one other person before they dated each other. They've been together for 48 years. Quantity isn't quality.
dasein Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 To each their own. I don't date multidaters. You stick to your kind. I'll stick to mine. Less drama that way. "your kind" lol. The last woman I dated who made a deal of "only dating one man at a time" turned out had a gay fwb she was sleeping with, or at least fooling around with, the entire time we dated. Thankfully he was in a relationship himself and not promiscuous (I hope not anyway, who really knows?). Came out after we broke up from mutual acquaintances, and I had started to form suspicion near the end of our dating. This is not the only time there was a fwb or ex in the closet that the woman didn't feel like defining as "seeing someone else." IME, quite common actually. So no, I don't ever go into a brand new dating relationship expecting exclusivity or giving it these days. It has to be earned through experience and some baseline level of trust because women I've been involved with have proven time and time again that the female power of rationalizing black into white wherever favorable to them is near infinite.
RedRobin Posted March 12, 2012 Posted March 12, 2012 I'm sorry you were betrayed. I still wouldn't date anyone I knew was dating others. but cheer up... looks like you have plenty of multidating types to pick from. If that is the going trend.
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