Virgin at the age of 29, how to tell her

[Dust]

My boyfriend was one of those "inexperienced" men. I met him when he was 29, but we didn't start going out till he was 30. I'm 28 and divorced, with a few partners under my belt before the exH came along.

 

Thats nice.

 

I could TELL he was a virgin and didn't have any relationship experience. There are just things that one doesn't do or know till they've been with someone else. Plain and Simple. I'm not saying it's a bad thing' date=' but she is wanting you to fess up. She is not dumb... she's probably seeing those signs that make you out to be a "brand new" dude complete with hymen. [/quote']

 

Oh you could "TELL" huh? What did he do pull a line right out of the 40 year old virgin and talk about boobs feeling like sand bags. Was he just really awkward? What things that one doesn't do or know till they've been with some one? Because other then awkwardness over the entire subject and a strange and false belief having sex would make me a better person I'm the same person now that I was before I had sex. Keep in mind I started having sex when I was 22. Still though I've met older virgins and yes you can kind of guess who they are based on awkwardness but they could easily deny it and no one would be the wiser.

 

Plain and simple the OP should have lied. "No I'm not a virgin."

 

I respected my boyfriend more for fessing up when I asked him his relationship experience. If he had lied about it I would have known and I would have left. He told me the truth about it which helped me prepare for the mountain climb that it's been... dating an inexperienced person and all.

 

OMG prepared you for the mountain climb its been... haha. Firstly had he said "no dear I'm no virgin" you would have just gone a long with it. The fact you stayed with him after saying he is a virgin is proof of that. You would have never been "no I think he's one of those virgin liars" and then dumped him. In fact the only woman who would have dumped him for lieing is the same woman who would dump him for telling. I don't blame women who dump for that. I mean logicaly nothing should be wrong with it, but women end up feeling dirty and like a teacher and it switchs the roles that normaly held in sex.

 

No way you would have dumped him after you started having sex either this is all a fantasy. I know you're going to argue it with me. But if you really think maybe you'll agree. What you're saying just isn't reality.

 

As for sex its not all that hard. Yes the man needs to be hard but other then that you can ask the girl to guid you in. Missionary is easy to get the hang of and doggy style while for me tricky at first gets easy after a very few attemps. That means if you're having sex as little as one a week you'll be as good as you're ever going to get by about a month or two tops in. If you're having a lot of sex you'll get better a lot faster as long as you arn't having hardness issues with the errection.

 

Foreplay is also easy just don't be in a rush and get her wet. I mean this stuff isn't rocket science.

 

I'm not gonna pretend its easy. Its not. Here's some tips: listen to her' date=' compliment her, get her little gifts, spend time with her, tell her you appreciate her, think of her first... do the little nice things to show you care. See which ones she likes most and do those most. [/quote']

 

Actually it is pretty easy no need to pretend. Most guys suck at sex their entire lives. Be willing to lick a girls vag to orgasm and you've already won half the battle with the girl who enjoys that kind of thing. Finger bang her to orgasm and you've won another battle. Make her orgasm with penial sex and you've done something most men never will tada.

 

He needs to just be himself. None of this get her little gifts crap... I mean of course spend time with her and get her gifts when appropriate like a birthday or just to be sweet... but not because he's a virgin...

 

Tell her that you're not terribly experienced and that you are a willing learner. If she takes on the challenge I commend her' date=' if she doesn't it's her loss. [/quote']

 

OH GOD "a willing learner!" Don't listen to a word of this! You say stuff like "willing learner" and she'll never get naked and even if she does saying those words will not put you in the right mind set to get a good boner going and enjoy yourself. You might as well make it a role play where you where a badge saying "virgin" at that point. Please don't listen to this horrible advice for your own sake. More unromantic words have never been spoken.

[Duckduckgoose]

Oh Dust, you're lovable in your own way. I hope life is good for you

[Dust]

Oh Dust, you're lovable in your own way. I hope life is good for you

 

Life is good. You'd really make my night though if you just admitted you would have still dated your bf had he been all "no I'm not a virrrrrgin!"

[Jeremy87]

You're ****ing screwed. Sorry man.

[paloma22]

Hi everyone,

so the title pretty much says it. For some reasons I had no relationship and/or sex with a woman yet. I never actively searched and I passed on the opportunities I had when women were interested in me because I simply didn't have any connection or feelings for them. Even though many might think otherwise at that point, I'm decent looking, athletic (ok not as athletic as I was in my early 20s^^) and have a good job. I also CLAIM to bring a solid mix of good character traits to the table, with some weaknesses of course

 

With that in mind I started dating about 8 months ago. After reading all the online stuff and filtering the nonsense out of it, things went pretty well and I had a solid amount of first dates and some second dates. Basically things went like in the past, I met those women, found them to be nice, sweet, pretty and whatnot, but I had no desire to intensify the contact. Last month I finally found the one I was looking for all the years (yeah I know it sounds like hollywood crap). And the cool thing is: she seems to have a genuine interest in me. Even though she gave me a bucketload of physical signals I was reluctant to act properly since I don't have the the experience and reading stuff can only get you so far. Still, she wants to see me for a third time next week.

 

Obviously I need to make a move in this third date, otherwise she'd probably think I'm asexual, gay, whatever. I don't see any other possible move than just telling her the whole truth. Actually I just realized that I dont really have a question about it lol. But you can comment if you like or wager whether she will dump me as the weirdest nerd ever or stay over the night at my place.

 

have a nice weekend

 

I wouldn't tell her if i were you. Just go with it likes its nothing, and like you know what your doing. Watch some porn, have a drink, you will be just fine. I think it may scare her off, just my opinion. Why bother telling her information that's really irrelevant anyway. If you like her, and she likes you, being a virgin should not matter ! But to keep things cool, just keep it casual and don't tell her this info.

[brokenTom]

IMHO: Anyone who turns you down because you are a virgin is not worth losing your virginity over. I'd tell her. If she's a decent person she will find it more romantic. People like feeling special.

 

Of course, as stated in this thread, everyone's different. Some people really are in it for the sex. Just don't assume that because someone's a virgin that they are bad in bed.

[NotForTheDough]

thanks for all your comments.

 

Update:

After 2 days she initiated a phone call. She told me that she is extremely busy with her exams, to my surprise she still wanted to see me later that day. So we went out, had a cool evening and ended up talking in a bar. I was actually not in the mood of some kind of "soul striptease", but she (charmingly) pinned me down to the topics I evaded before. As expected, at that point she already knew what was up with me. So she wanted an explanation and I basically told her everything (how and why). During conversation she came closer to me, took my hands and also kissed me...I never experienced such a feeling of warmth and emotional connection before. Even though it was cleary the "weakest" and most "vulnerable" moments in my entire life I felt secure and that I could trust her 100%. We will meet again after her exams and things are looking good I guess. As stupid as it may sound I didn't really expect anymore to find someone like her, she is probably the love of my life.

 

@somedude81: she is 27

@amorfati: I would never, ever pay for sex. If this was the case I could have "done it" a long time ago. I'd rather die as a f*cking, embittered virgin than hook up with a professional. Actually I also told her this.

[Jeremy87]

IMHO: Anyone who turns you down because you are a virgin is not worth losing your virginity over. I'd tell her. If she's a decent person she will find it more romantic. People like feeling special.

 

Of course, as stated in this thread, everyone's different. Some people really are in it for the sex. Just don't assume that because someone's a virgin that they are bad in bed.

 

if you havent done it how can you be good at it? i sucked my first time but my first time was at 15. i'm a pro now. FEMALES DO NOT WANT VIRGINS. I don't care what they say. They want the man to lead. If hes a virgin hes ****ed whether he tells or doesnt tell. Hell I've seen lots of women dump men for not enough experiece.

[brokenTom]

I don't care what they say.

Thank you for clarifying this point, it now all makes sense why you'd feel the way you do.

[NotForTheDough]

Jesus, another month has gone by...another update. Need some solid advice on this:

 

I'll try to sum it up, we met again things went cold, she didn't come close to me again (maybe because I didnt react appropriately). So we didn't have any contact for a week. But she came back to me after that we met again twice but nothing. We were back in our regular communication mode. Then the same happened AGAIN. We didnt have any contact and she came back to me AGAIN. In this date I told her that I also want to be closer with her physically which led to her to ask me if I want to sleep with her and giving me my first real kiss (several minutes). I felt her warmth and passion, while kissing she said I was "so innocent", that I was "smelling so good" and complimented on my "unbelievable cute smile". When she left my car she told me she will teach me kissing and everything else.

 

However 2 days later she wrote me a message where she apologized (!) for kissing me because she doesnt want to hurt my feelings and she assumes that I'd feel more for her than just friendship, implying that she would not.

 

I'm 100% sure that she liked our kissing even though I obviously didnt know what I did there, I felt her emotions, she was smiling and passionate, there were no signs of boredom, pity or such things. I'm also 99% sure that she has developed feelings herself for me and is fighting them because she doesnt want to allow them at the moment for whatever reason. If she had no feelings for me she would never ask me if I want to sleep with her. Also she is clearly enjoying every single minute of our dates, however she tries to keep me at bay by not meeting with me more than once per week even though she has plenty of time. Also I think she is insecure herself because she has been hurt previously.

 

I'll call her tomorrow, what does everyone think? How should I continue this?

Edited April 29, 2012 by NotForTheDough

[Radu]

You are making too much of this V thing, and she is either insecure or a tease ... you find either of these 2 things a quality in a woman ?

[NotForTheDough]

No I don't, but she has a bucketload of good qualities. And since I'm also insecure it's cool for me. Of course I don't like games. Actually I told her that I'll be gone the second I assume she is playing with me.

 

But frankly, where was the advice in your post?

[Radu]

What, you need every post to have earth shattering advice now ?

We're not mind readers here, some questions are bound to show up.

 

You said that you will be leaving the moment you feel she is playing games with you.

She is playing games with you, the only question is wether it's because of insecurity or because that's what she understands a relationship should have (a female that plays games).

Either way, it's a bad deal for you.

 

She is playing you, you said it's a dealbreaker for you but you also started excusing her behaviour with her other 'good qualities' ... so then it's not a dealbreaker for you.

 

Figure out what you want, and set it as a firm boundary in relationships because otherwise your SO won't respect you ... as she is doing now.

 

On a sidenote, insecurity could excuse her playing games but to a certain point when it just becomes cruel.

[NotForTheDough]

not earth shattering but a little more explanatory, like your second reply. And yes I'm no mind reader myself. But I was there and even though I have no experience with women I felt that there was more behind it than just "dating a guy".

[goldengirl11]

I felt I had to drop you a line NotForTheDough as I lost my virginity at 29 (yes that's right) and really feel for you. From my experience I think it is best to tell her that you're a virgin, if she hasn't guessed already. My older boyfriend at the time asked if I was as came across that I was hesitant to go further apparently. I felt relieved when I admitted it to him though. Don't worry. You'll be fine and gain more confidence as you gain more experience. Good luck!

Edited April 29, 2012 by goldengirl11

[NotForTheDough]

Thanks goldengirl, that's sweet I hope things work out. Any more advice?

[Radu]

Virginity is seen differently in men and women.

 

If a woman tells a guy she is a virgin and he has the chance to 'be the first' to 'conquer first' and to 'be remembered by her' that is damn hot.

It's excused also because the woman is not expected to lead most of the times.

 

On the other hand, the man ... who is expected to lead can be in an disadvantageous position if he lets it out that he is a virgin.

The first thought in the girl's mind is 'what's wrong with you', followed by the pressure. Not many can handle that and many women simply don't feel comfortable in a position of leadership.

 

I chose not to tell, i was not at your age but i was pretty close; the way i figured i would blow pretty fast either way.

She suspected something i think and asked incessantly after about my last gf (i was shaking).

I simply said that it's been a while since last time because of work/whatever and that a gentleman never speaks such details (this actually won me some bonus points).

It really is not such a big deal as you make it out to be.

[thatone]

Thanks goldengirl, that's sweet I hope things work out. Any more advice?

 

un-tell her all those things you told her. oh wait, can't do that, too late.

[srbbc]

Hi everyone,

so the title pretty much says it. For some reasons I had no relationship and/or sex with a woman yet. I never actively searched and I passed on the opportunities I had when women were interested in me because I simply didn't have any connection or feelings for them. Even though many might think otherwise at that point, I'm decent looking, athletic (ok not as athletic as I was in my early 20s^^) and have a good job. I also CLAIM to bring a solid mix of good character traits to the table, with some weaknesses of course

 

With that in mind I started dating about 8 months ago. After reading all the online stuff and filtering the nonsense out of it, things went pretty well and I had a solid amount of first dates and some second dates. Basically things went like in the past, I met those women, found them to be nice, sweet, pretty and whatnot, but I had no desire to intensify the contact. Last month I finally found the one I was looking for all the years (yeah I know it sounds like hollywood crap). And the cool thing is: she seems to have a genuine interest in me. Even though she gave me a bucketload of physical signals I was reluctant to act properly since I don't have the the experience and reading stuff can only get you so far. Still, she wants to see me for a third time next week.

 

Obviously I need to make a move in this third date, otherwise she'd probably think I'm asexual, gay, whatever. I don't see any other possible move than just telling her the whole truth. Actually I just realized that I dont really have a question about it lol. But you can comment if you like or wager whether she will dump me as the weirdest nerd ever or stay over the night at my place.

 

have a nice weekend

 

theres no way. females despise virgins 25 and up. you tell them and theyll run faster than a gazelle. you don't lie or lie and they find out and you will see her unleash her full anger on you, and then run faster than a gazelle

[srbbc]

Virginity is seen differently in men and women.

 

If a woman tells a guy she is a virgin and he has the chance to 'be the first' to 'conquer first' and to 'be remembered by her' that is damn hot.

It's excused also because the woman is not expected to lead most of the times.

 

On the other hand, the man ... who is expected to lead can be in an disadvantageous position if he lets it out that he is a virgin.

The first thought in the girl's mind is 'what's wrong with you', followed by the pressure. Not many can handle that and many women simply don't feel comfortable in a position of leadership.

 

I chose not to tell, i was not at your age but i was pretty close; the way i figured i would blow pretty fast either way.

She suspected something i think and asked incessantly after about my last gf (i was shaking).

I simply said that it's been a while since last time because of work/whatever and that a gentleman never speaks such details (this actually won me some bonus points).

It really is not such a big deal as you make it out to be.

 

thats how it goes. its the what's wrong with you, and the pressure and you will see how uncomfortable she is around you within seconds. her creepadar will be off the chrats and she will not walk but run away. she may be crying too. you made sense until the last line. it is a very big deal to females.

[InJest]

You're a fool. She was throwing herself at you, and you stopped it at 1st base. She probably thinks you just don't want to ever have sex, and is tired of being rejected. I also think you probably don't really want to have sex.

[Ruby Slippers]

You're a fool. She was throwing herself at you, and you stopped it at 1st base. She probably thinks you just don't want to ever have sex, and is tired of being rejected. I also think you probably don't really want to have sex.

Seriously, what are you waiting for? Do you want to have sex with her or not? It's fine if you don't, but if not, then move on. If you do want to have sex with her, make it happen, SOON. Stop thinking and just get on her.

[ascendotum]

You're a fool. She was throwing herself at you, and you stopped it at 1st base. She probably thinks you just don't want to ever have sex, and is tired of being rejected. I also think you probably don't really want to have sex.

 

With this post showing up again I was interested to see whether my expected outcome had happened. It sort of has, at least she's still friendly to you.

There's 3 issues here you goofed up on.

1. holding out for your dream girl. Too much expectation and if you blow it, it will haunt you more, and it could be x number of years before you find another perfect girl, and you will be all the more behind the 8ball.

2. admitting you were still a virgin. I've seen 'nice girl next door types' that everybody thinks are nicest, sweetest girls, brand inexperienced (doesn't even have to be virgin) guys as creeps & losers. Guys, like you, who were on an armchair ride to getting a girl, blow it at the last minute by fessing up and the girl doing a 180. dont underestimate this.

3. Its coming up to 3 mths and you have not made a move. InJest is right. Its clear she likes you a lot but you have not sealed the deal. 3 mths to you is nothing, but the window of opportunity when it comes to sweet & pretty girls is small...you are not the only guy who's keen on her.

"I told her that I also want to be closer with her physically which led to her to ask me if I want to sleep with her"....what did you say to this?

 

I get your trepidation, as you are not used to doing so and I gather you are almost waiting for the girl to grab you by the hand and say okay lets do it. That would be great, but the point where that could have happened when she kissed you + said you were cute, it didn't happen. Yeh great kiss memory but you are going to regret that moment. What do you get now....."she apologized for kissing me because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and she assumes that I'd feel more for her than just friendship". lol, there's your answer mate, plus throw in the "she tries to keep me at bay" for good measure. She might pitch it to you that she's not ready and been hurt in the past, sorry but you blew it and you are now a 'friend'. If its not too late, you can take the initiative and try and recreate the setting where she kissed you, but this time, dont play innocent, escalate the flirty to dirty talk, and have a condom with you (have em handy always, even if its just for the psychological reinforcement aspect).

Edited May 1, 2012 by ascendotum

[NotForTheDough]

With this post showing up again I was interested to see whether my expected outcome had happened. It sort of has, at least she's still friendly to you.

There's 3 issues here you goofed up on.

1. holding out for your dream girl. Too much expectation and if you blow it, it will haunt you more, and it could be x number of years before you find another perfect girl, and you will be all the more behind the 8ball.

2. admitting you were still a virgin. I've seen 'nice girl next door types' that everybody thinks are nicest, sweetest girls, brand inexperienced (doesn't even have to be virgin) guys as creeps & losers. Guys, like you, who were on an armchair ride to getting a girl, blow it at the last minute by fessing up and the girl doing a 180. dont underestimate this.

3. Its coming up to 3 mths and you have not made a move. InJest is right. Its clear she likes you a lot but you have not sealed the deal. 3 mths to you is nothing, but the window of opportunity when it comes to sweet & pretty girls is small...you are not the only guy who's keen on her.

"I told her that I also want to be closer with her physically which led to her to ask me if I want to sleep with her"....what did you say to this?

 

I get your trepidation, as you are not used to doing so and I gather you are almost waiting for the girl to grab you by the hand and say okay lets do it. That would be great, but the point where that could have happened when she kissed you + said you were cute, it didn't happen. Yeh great kiss memory but you are going to regret that moment. What do you get now....."she apologized for kissing me because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and she assumes that I'd feel more for her than just friendship". lol, there's your answer mate, plus throw in the "she tries to keep me at bay" for good measure. She might pitch it to you that she's not ready and been hurt in the past, sorry but you blew it and you are now a 'friend'. If its not too late, you can take the initiative and try and recreate the setting where she kissed you, but this time, dont play innocent, escalate the flirty to dirty talk, and have a condom with you (have em handy always, even if its just for the psychological reinforcement aspect).

 

@acendotum:

1)probably yeah, but that's history

2)you even commented on this one before, I couldn't evade the topic without lying.

3)finally kissing after 3 months looks like a move to me. She could have left me WAY before if she wanted quick sex (besides the fact that I couldnt satisfy her anyway at the moment)

 

""I told her that I also want to be closer with her physically which led to her to ask me if I want to sleep with her"....what did you say to this?"

I was babbling, creeping, my heart rate went up to 180, couldn't get a single word out until I finally managed to say "I don't know. Maybe? Is that some kind of **** test question?"

 

Jesus...are you kidding me? If I was such a loser this woman would NEVER hang around with me. I told her "yes, of course". Then she kissed me.

 

About your other point: maybe I "blew" it but there was no opportunity to escalate this. When we were driving I _hinted_ that we could also drive to my place but she told me she needs to get to her mom. So now I was expected to talk her into something like "yeah well, why? I'd rather like if we drove to my place and **** right away". Sure...talking about creeping.

 

When she sent me the message afterwards she also wrote that she was surprised about what happened (and about herself) and didn't expect this. So I assume I was already kind of "friendzoned" before and now things have changed. We had another good phone call and I'll meet her tomorrow. And I have condoms...

[crazylove]

Here's what you do. You whip out your schlong and tell her, "Here you go baby! Never been touched or kissed and it's all yours!" Wait for her reaction and act accordingly. I kid....

 

On a serious note, it seems like things are going pretty well between you her. If it's proceeding according your "pace" then nothings wrong. It only becomes a problem when you're getting mixed signals until the 3rd date.

 

If you're in the situation when you're going to get intimate, that's when you tell her. Tell her, "Would you want to play teacher and student? You can be my teacher and I'll follow whatever you want me to do." Well maybe you can be a little more subtle like, "Ravish my body like a raging lioness!"

 

Or maybe something like, "I've never been with a woman and maybe you can guide me on how to do things the way you want it to be done." Remember to take notes (mental notes and not having a paper and pen handy while you're doing the deed.

 

You will probably exhaust her after a month of you getting it 'coz you would want it as often as possible.

 

:lmao: