Virgin at the age of 29, how to tell her

March 10, 2012

Hi everyone,

so the title pretty much says it. For some reasons I had no relationship and/or sex with a woman yet. I never actively searched and I passed on the opportunities I had when women were interested in me because I simply didn't have any connection or feelings for them. Even though many might think otherwise at that point, I'm decent looking, athletic (ok not as athletic as I was in my early 20s^^) and have a good job. I also CLAIM to bring a solid mix of good character traits to the table, with some weaknesses of course

With that in mind I started dating about 8 months ago. After reading all the online stuff and filtering the nonsense out of it, things went pretty well and I had a solid amount of first dates and some second dates. Basically things went like in the past, I met those women, found them to be nice, sweet, pretty and whatnot, but I had no desire to intensify the contact. Last month I finally found the one I was looking for all the years (yeah I know it sounds like hollywood crap). And the cool thing is: she seems to have a genuine interest in me. Even though she gave me a bucketload of physical signals I was reluctant to act properly since I don't have the the experience and reading stuff can only get you so far. Still, she wants to see me for a third time next week.

Obviously I need to make a move in this third date, otherwise she'd probably think I'm asexual, gay, whatever. I don't see any other possible move than just telling her the whole truth. Actually I just realized that I dont really have a question about it lol. But you can comment if you like or wager whether she will dump me as the weirdest nerd ever or stay over the night at my place.

have a nice weekend

March 10, 2012

There's no rule that you have to make a move by the 3rd date and sleep with her then, (no matter what you'll hear from some people here). You can progress by flirting with her, complimenting her, hugging, and kissing her. Then you can make a more informed decision on how to proceed by telling her.

March 10, 2012

I see no reason to tell her that you've never done it before. Just put that entirely out of your mind and start becoming a man of action and not thoughts or intellectualizations. I'm sure you want to be perceived well in your performance--well, don't bring any distractions or reasoning into it. Do you feel you just don't know how and when to make your moves? If so, you'll get a range of advice here. Mine starts with what i already said--you like her, she likes you, you have seen each other and assumedly the next step is to get physical. Don't--DON'T go mental. You can tell her at some other time if you feel you really need to but don't distract from making this time just fluid and natural and good. My other personal advice is that how she touches your hands will tel you everything you need to know about whether she is good with you kissing her. So, if you have a date with her before what you hope might happen, start having an unspoken physical conversation with her by gently seeing how she responds to your hand holding and whether of not she gives herself over to it or seems to pull away. If it's accepting, it's time to move things up and just let it happen. Don't over-think it and don't make a confession--it's unmanly and a buzz kill.

March 10, 2012

I don't think you should tell her, to be honest. I'd start moving things along physically at the 3rd date for sure, but that doesn't necessarily mean a sleepover or sex!

March 10, 2012

There's no rule that you have to make a move by the 3rd date and sleep with her...

I don't think that's what OP was saying. I think he's (wisely) pointing out that it's disrespectful to continue to rebuff physical advances because he's too shy to progress.

I agree with the common sentiment among posters in this thread that you don't need to drop the V-bomb. If you find that it's impossible to avoid getting stuck in your head, confess to being somewhat inhibited but ultimately you'll have to just take more risks here and make up for lost time.

This is one of the drawbacks of waiting for "that girl" though, she may not find it too exciting to wait for you to get comfortable with her. Best of luck.

March 10, 2012

Start watching romantic lesbian produced porn because that is for women by women. Very different than the stuff for men which is all wham bam thank you ma'am. You will learn a few tricks.

I'd also suggest learning to give a sensuous massage because that will get you accustomed to a woman's body without actually having sex and it will turn her on. Don't pounce on her!

March 11, 2012

hey everyone,

thanks for your helpful replies. "Drop the v-bomb" really made my day Besides that you are absolutely correct, I have no intention of forcing/escalating sex when we meet next time. I feel we already created a high level of trust between us, but I doubt she will give me more signals so I need to initiate the physical contact.

Actually I know (to a certain degree) when and how I should do things, but I just don't do them, even though it's so natural...hard to explain. Watching lesbian porn might certainly be a good idea at later stages, at the moment the implications on this are too big to handle for me.

nice sunday

March 12, 2012

Here's what you do. You whip out your schlong and tell her, "Here you go baby! Never been touched or kissed and it's all yours!" Wait for her reaction and act accordingly. I kid....

On a serious note, it seems like things are going pretty well between you her. If it's proceeding according your "pace" then nothings wrong. It only becomes a problem when you're getting mixed signals until the 3rd date.

If you're in the situation when you're going to get intimate, that's when you tell her. Tell her, "Would you want to play teacher and student? You can be my teacher and I'll follow whatever you want me to do." Well maybe you can be a little more subtle like, "Ravish my body like a raging lioness!"

Or maybe something like, "I've never been with a woman and maybe you can guide me on how to do things the way you want it to be done." Remember to take notes (mental notes and not having a paper and pen handy while you're doing the deed.

You will probably exhaust her after a month of you getting it 'coz you would want it as often as possible.

March 12, 2012

Hi everyone,

Still, she wants to see me for a third time next week.

Obviously I need to make a move in this third date, otherwise she'd probably think I'm asexual, gay, whatever. I don't see any other possible move than just telling her the whole truth. Actually I just realized that I dont really have a question about it lol. But you can comment if you like or wager whether she will dump me as the weirdest nerd ever or stay over the night at my place.

have a nice weekend

In fact, you are only expected to kiss or to make out on the 3 date. But, if you do not kiss, it is fine anyway. Sex on the 3d date is a really bad idea if your girl is older than 24 and you are looking for a serious R. Also, you are not expected to confess all your the most intimate secrets to a girl on the 3d date.

In fact, the best thing is not to tell her that you are a virgin at all. You might want to tell her that your experiences were limited to 1-2 girls and you had sex with them just a few times.

But, there is no harm to tell her because it is kind of strange but it is not an important thing for a girl.

If you are a normal man, you have watched some porno by age 29. Therefore, you should know all basic things about an intercourse. But, you might want to use your common sense because your girl is not a porno star. So, try to step in her shoes to figure out what she might like about sex. For example, if you taste your sperm, you can figure out easily how pleasant it is.

Edited March 12, 2012 by bac

March 12, 2012

I think the main thing is to keep letting her know you are interested. Hold her hand; kiss her; compliment her. And tell her how you are feeling - in a non-pushy way. Just "I am really enjoying getting to know you." "You are so pretty." etc, etc.

You can also tell her at this point "I want you to know I like you, but I plan on taking things slow physically." - this way she knows what to expect and doesn't go home wondering what is wrong.

Remember, people in general tend to overanalyze what the person they are dating is doing. So if you make no physical moves on her, she is gonna think you are not interested or there's something wrong with you. So make sure she knows you are interested. Communicate!

When you get closer to sealing the deal, I would absolutely tell her that you are a virgin. Because she will approach sex with you completely differently based on that info. She will not be expecting you to be experienced/skilled, and she'll be more open to showing you what she likes, etc. Not telling her is gonna make it seem like you just don't know what you are doing, when actually, there is a good reason for that.

Just go slowly and keep talking to her.

March 12, 2012

Well any updates. What happened on the 3rd date? How goes it?

March 12, 2012

Don't tell her. Not much to gain if you do.

March 12, 2012

With that in mind I started dating about 8 months ago. After reading all the online stuff and filtering the nonsense out of it, things went pretty well and I had a solid amount of first dates and some second dates. Basically things went like in the past, I met those women, found them to be nice, sweet, pretty and whatnot, but I had no desire to intensify the contact. Last month I finally found the one I was looking for all the years (yeah I know it sounds like hollywood crap). And the cool thing is: she seems to have a genuine interest in me. Even though she gave me a bucketload of physical signals I was reluctant to act properly since I don't have the the experience and reading stuff can only get you so far. Still, she wants to see me for a third time next week.
Obviously I need to make a move in this third date, otherwise she'd probably think I'm asexual, gay, whatever. I don't see any other possible move than just telling her the whole truth. Actually I just realized that I dont really have a question about it lol. But you can comment if you like or wager whether she will dump me as the weirdest nerd ever or stay over the night at my place.
have a nice weekend

Don't even mention it. Just go for it. If you have to tell her... do it afterwards.

March 12, 2012

Don't tell her! It's really just you looking to talk about something you are insecure about and have her reasure you. Problem is women like romance and putting them in the position to feel more experience and calming you down... teaching you will ruin the romance. Sure it might not be the kiss of death but it easily could so don't. Just be confident and you tell yourself that sex is no big deal. You don't need her to hold your hand through this. Hold her hand because you like her, not because she is helping you through the ordeal of your virginity.

Look man this will be the most fun you had in your life. Also if you have trouble getting it in no shame in asking for a guiding hand. Just remember you need to get her wet first by eating her out or playing with her till she is good and ready. Easily could take 20 minutes to over an hour of foreplay for the first time... could happen quick though if she is ready and begging for it.

Remember you don't need to have sex with her on the 3rd date... but if you havn't kissed or touched her yet please do!

March 12, 2012

Do not tell her. All she needs to know is that you're clean.

March 21, 2012

Update:

we were talking on the phone meanwhile, light texting (keeping in touch) on a daily basis and met again last friday. Quite frankly, it was one of the most beautiful days I spent in years. As she is somewhat busy the next 2 weeks (final exams) she told me before that she wouldnt have as much time as in our previous meetings which was ok for me. So we planned to just go out on the basketball court in the late morning and play a bit (perfect weather). Surprisingly she invited me to her place afterwards and we were topping and eating pizza. After that she wanted to take a "short walk before throwing me out" (quote, in a playful way) which was not short after all. We were sitting on a riverside and talking for another 3 hours. In short, we met about 4 hours longer than she had initially planned. It also didnt feel like a "date" with all those obligations and expectations, it was just a great day, just the two of us.

While playing basketball we obviously established body contact in a natural way and while I did get a little closer and more touchy ( ) than you would in regular play I didnt inappropriately touch her on purpose (like grabbing her breast with my hands), in our conversation later I touched her (hot) calves and complimented her which I believe she found somewhat flattering So I'm 100% sure she also really enjoyed this day and she should know 100% that I'm interested in her.

However, she already asked me about previous relationships in our 2nd date (where I could evade the topic). This time she told me more direct that she could come to certain conclusions due to my reluctance to talk about relationships, I somehow could evade it again in a playful manner.

As she is certainly not stupid though, she probably already had a clue in our 2nd date, and things were crystal clear to her last friday. Well, monday we were talking on the phone and at the end of another really enjoyable conversation she managed to move the topic to the sexuality/relationship thing again and directly asked me whether I was still a virgin...

Obviously there was no real way out of that. We continued with conjunctive terms like "would that be a problem", "no but it would be something that needed an explanation" and so on. Finally I told her that she would understand it. So while not directly replying to her question...well

So, she wants to see me again after her exams but I somehow feel that even though she probably knew it before she won't be willing to accept this and doesn't see me as a potential partner anymore. Last text message I sent was unreplied, nothing from her and I'm reluctant to send another.

Opinions? What to do? Lay low?

March 21, 2012

The fact that she brought up past relationships in discussion now 3 times is certainly an issue for her. In fact she asked you outright if you are a virgin instead of just letting it lie and going with the flow after that great day you had on Friday. Look you wont know sure if you have blown it with your admission, because of the exams situation. Lack of contact could easily be explained because of study pressures, still it does'nt take long to send a txt. Its only been a few days so don't over react just yet, even though contact was daily in the past. I would wait for a few more days then possibly call rather than txt to see how she has gone so far on her exams, and see if you can sense any change in the vibe you two had before. Still assume with her that things are as before and you two will be picking up were you left off again after her exams, but don't be shocked if her enthusiam has changed.

Edited March 21, 2012 by ascendotum

March 21, 2012

Tough luck man.

I hope it works out for you. But that's iffy.

Just curious, how old is she?

March 21, 2012

there's a lesson here.

there's a running joke between my gf and i about "women's brain vs men's brain". these images were posted in a thread here iirc, was pretty funny at the time...

http://plancksconstant.org/blog1/image-pump/women-brain.gif

(fwiw the male brain was one of those monkey banging cymbals toys).

so consider the ping pong ball. the ping pong ball is bouncing around her head and until you're having sex on a regular basis she has little/no investment in you. all she needs is a (not even good, a bad will do) excuse to ignore you. the longer you wait around and don't escalate anything physically, the better chance that ping pong ball has to land on that giant flashing 'NO'.

so next time you find yourself in this situation, don't hesitate. if you were making out on her couch do you think she'd interrupt that to ask about your past relationships or lack thereof? i highly doubt it.

March 21, 2012

If I were you I wouldnt tell her. I dont know which kind of person she is, but If she thinks that you are not experienced in sex, she may get disappointed. Do you have a chance or idea of making practice, before her? I think it would help to reduce your stress or give more self esteem before her..

March 21, 2012

Ouch. Well I'm sure it was fun while it lasted but you should start bracing yourself for her to disappear. Good luck though! You will need it since women do find male virgins a turn off.

March 21, 2012

There is no need to tell her anything right now (and maybe even later). If you see her again and want to kiss her, just kiss her. You don't need to go to bed with her now. Take it easy, do what you feel you want to do.

There are guys who have plenty of experience and still s!ck in the intimacy department.

March 21, 2012

hi everyone,
so the title pretty much says it. For some reasons i had no relationship and/or sex with a woman yet. I never actively searched and i passed on the opportunities i had when women were interested in me because i simply didn't have any connection or feelings for them. Even though many might think otherwise at that point, i'm decent looking, athletic (ok not as athletic as i was in my early 20s^^) and have a good job. I also claim to bring a solid mix of good character traits to the table, with some weaknesses of course

with that in mind i started dating about 8 months ago. After reading all the online stuff and filtering the nonsense out of it, things went pretty well and i had a solid amount of first dates and some second dates. Basically things went like in the past, i met those women, found them to be nice, sweet, pretty and whatnot, but i had no desire to intensify the contact. Last month i finally found the one i was looking for all the years (yeah i know it sounds like hollywood crap). And the cool thing is: She seems to have a genuine interest in me. Even though she gave me a bucketload of physical signals i was reluctant to act properly since i don't have the the experience and reading stuff can only get you so far. Still, she wants to see me for a third time next week.

Obviously i need to make a move in this third date, otherwise she'd probably think i'm asexual, gay, whatever. I don't see any other possible move than just telling her the whole truth. Actually i just realized that i dont really have a question about it lol. But you can comment if you like or wager whether she will dump me as the weirdest nerd ever or stay over the night at my place.

Have a nice weekend

do not tell period

March 22, 2012

My boyfriend was one of those "inexperienced" men. I met him when he was 29, but we didn't start going out till he was 30. I'm 28 and divorced, with a few partners under my belt before the exH came along.

I could TELL he was a virgin and didn't have any relationship experience. There are just things that one doesn't do or know till they've been with someone else. Plain and Simple. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but she is wanting you to fess up. She is not dumb... she's probably seeing those signs that make you out to be a "brand new" dude complete with hymen.

I respected my boyfriend more for fessing up when I asked him his relationship experience. If he had lied about it I would have known and I would have left. He told me the truth about it which helped me prepare for the mountain climb that it's been... dating an inexperienced person and all.

I'm not gonna pretend its easy. Its not. Here's some tips: listen to her, compliment her, get her little gifts, spend time with her, tell her you appreciate her, think of her first... do the little nice things to show you care. See which ones she likes most and do those most.

Tell her that you're not terribly experienced and that you are a willing learner. If she takes on the challenge I commend her, if she doesn't it's her loss.

March 22, 2012

Call her up, and if she doesn't answer, send her an email:

"I've really enjoyed getting to know you [more nice things]. I was nervous about telling you I was a virgin, and I understand if that makes dating more complicated for you. I just want you to know that I'm happy to talk about it more, and to explain how it ended up that way. It is not a really big deal to me, but I completely understand if it is to you. I really value the time we spend together and hope we get to do more of it, and I see a lot of potential for a serious and meaningful relationship with you."

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Virgin at the age of 29, how to tell her

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