Editbee Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 I had this happened to me once with an ex and left him on the spot. There was no way I would ever look straight in his eyes again without thinking of what just happened. I know of several individuals that manage to work it out and haven't been cheated again. I think they are brave indeed. I always hear of the betrayed party either finding out elsewhere (email, facebook, from friends, etc.) or them actually walking in on him/her screwing someone else. Both are horrible ways of finding out but at least the first one, you only found out about it. The latter, that must be embarrassing. Yet I know few that still worked that out. I want to know how? How can they be able to look at them in the eyes again without reliving what they did?
Author Editbee Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 My uncle has a friend who take back his wife for that. He told him about how much he still loved his wife and believe in second chances. Anyway this happened about 10 years ago and they are still together. But wouldn't individuals like him be living with that burden the cheat put them through every day? What about arguments? I'm sure he would bring the ''I at least I never cheated, while I caught you'' etc.
Author Editbee Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 If anyone can share their inputs on this, it would help me understand those people. I think certain things just don't deserve second chance. Doing that to your gf/bf or husband/wife is so degrading and an embarrassment.
MichiganMan222 Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I'd like to see the statistics on the % of people that took back a cheater and got cheated on again. I for one am in the camp of dump them forever. Not as punishment so much, but because basically, their cheating gives you two options-dump the person you love; or take them back and show them that they can get away with cheating. *****ty options. Honestly, if my wife ever cheated on me and was contrite and genuinely distraught over it, I would be more upset about her making me make that decision more so than the cheating itself.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 I think people who takes a cheating partner back tend to have fairly low self esteem and self worth. Why else would they want someone who betrayed their relationship and made a fool out of them? I have also seen that partners who are more likely to cheat, pick up on their spouses' low self esteem/self worth and use it to their advantage. They also realize if they did happen to get caught, most likely they wouldn't suffer any consequences (like their partner leaving) so that reinforces their decision to cheat in the first place.
Author Editbee Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) I think people who takes a cheating partner back tend to have fairly low self esteem and self worth. Why else would they want someone who betrayed their relationship and made a fool out of them? I've been wondering about this for a long time. Why settle for less? My uncle's friend is really a professional businessman so I've assumed people with good background and education in general, knew better than to take back a cheater. He seemed like the type of man that wouldn't forgive a cheating wife because he was strict with his employees and fired people if they repeated the same action again. What I must say is I heard she's been remorseful about it ever since and haven't cheated again but I wouldn't take that risk. Either poor man. Although it's been a long time already, how is he able still be with her after what he saw has no answer. By now they have kids. Edited March 13, 2012 by Editbee
KathyM Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I can't imagine how someone could get past the visual of seeing their spouse cheating right in front of their eyes. I know I would not be able to. Most people are not able to get past the cheating, the betrayal, lost trust, etc., which is why such a large percentage of marriages fail under those circumstances. My sister forgave her husband after he cheated because he confessed of his own accord, and was very remorseful, and they still loved each other, but she never really got over it. It is a pain that never goes away, but she did stick it out with him for several years until he cheated again, and they are now divorced. She did not have low self esteem, but because her husband had confessed of his own accord and was so remorseful, she forgave him. Unfortunately, she ended up wasting years of her life with a husband who ended up cheating on her again. Of course now, she wishes she had left him after the first betrayal.
Author Editbee Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 In the end, your sister did the right thing dumping him. I'm thinking some people maybe are second-chance believers or must be kind-heartened by nature.
Author Editbee Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 I can't imagine how someone could get past the visual of seeing their spouse cheating right in front of their eyes. I know I would not be able to.An ex bf did this once and I dumped him on the spot. I think this has to be a lot harder for a man to deal with. As a woman, I think I would get more hurt if the man I love told me ''I don't think I love you nor have feeling for you anymore, I love the other woman'' than the actually affair. Sure both would be deal-breakers but playing with my emotions would take me a while for me to get over with. It would mean the whole relationship was full of lies, thus betraying my heart, me as a person, everything.
KathyM Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 In the end, your sister did the right thing dumping him. I'm thinking some people maybe are second-chance believers or must be kind-heartened by nature. She loved him, and thought the affair was the result of having to live apart for most of the week while he was in college, and since he was so very remorseful and confessed on his own, she thought it was a one time mistake that will never happen again. Unfortunately, it was a character flaw that he had, that he repeated later on in their marriage. Maybe he was truly remorseful the first time it happened, but it does show a lack of character that can often manifest itself into another affair when the relationship goes through a difficult time later on.
KathyM Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 An ex bf did this once and I dumped him on the spot. I think this has to be a lot harder for a man to deal with. As a woman, I think I would get more hurt if the man I love told me ''I don't think I love you nor have feeling for you anymore, I love the other woman'' than the actually affair. Sure both would be deal-breakers but playing with my emotions would take me a while for me to get over with. It would mean the whole relationship was full of lies, thus betraying my heart, me as a person, everything. Emotional affairs are harder to get over for the betrayed party than physical ones, since they involve the heart and not just the body, but both do serious, often irreparable damage to a relationship since both are such a serious betrayal of trust, disregard and disrespect for the betrayed party.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 She loved him, and thought the affair was the result of having to live apart for most of the week while he was in college, and since he was so very remorseful and confessed on his own, she thought it was a one time mistake that will never happen again. Unfortunately, it was a character flaw that he had, that he repeated later on in their marriage. Maybe he was truly remorseful the first time it happened, but it does show a lack of character that can often manifest itself into another affair when the relationship goes through a difficult time later on. This is unfortunately why most BS take back cheaters. They think it's a "one time mistake" instead of viewing it as "it's a mistake that shouldn't have happened in the first place." While nobody is perfect and everyone has faults, I would think this would come down to a difference in values more then anything.
Maria7 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I guess you need to have it in you, and understand why they cheated.. i dont condone cheating but of knowing the reason why helps.. if your partner trys with u to apologise make it up to you, then if u both still love eachother n believe it was a one off then yeah by all means forgive him, but there will be no trust for him which will lead to arguments, i guess you should try forgiving if not then I guess you should move on...
KathyM Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I read several different infidelity boards and one pattern I consistently see is women blaming their husband's affair on the OW. They'll claim that he was 'vulnerable' and the "manipulative, evil OW took advantage of him." Oh freakin' brother. It takes two to have an affair--a man who disrespects and disregards his marriage, and a woman who is willing to throw away or disregard moral values and concern for others and goes after something that is destructive and someone who belongs to someone else. Both are at fault. You really can't blame one and not the other. There are a lot of people out there who have no respect for marriage and will go after someone who is married, or allow themselves to become involved with someone who is married. They are not the innocent party. Only the BS is the innocent party.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I guess you need to have it in you, and understand why they cheated.. i dont condone cheating but of knowing the reason why helps.. if your partner trys with u to apologise make it up to you, then if u both still love eachother n believe it was a one off then yeah by all means forgive him, but there will be no trust for him which will lead to arguments, i guess you should try forgiving if not then I guess you should move on... IMO it wouldn't be a reason, it would be an excuse/justification. Personally I don't believe that there is anything that can be said to make up for that kind of betrayal, no matter how "ligit" the cheater felt it was. You are right though, that generally at that point trust is broken and and the resentment never really goes away. So why would somebody want to stick around to deal with that?
drifter777 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Emotional affairs are harder to get over for the betrayed party than physical ones, since they involve the heart and not just the body, but both do serious, often irreparable damage to a relationship since both are such a serious betrayal of trust, disregard and disrespect for the betrayed party. Not the case for most men. The visualizations of their partner having sex with OM is the worst torture they will ever go through. That part of the betrayal is probably the primary reason many men are unable to reconcile with a cheating partner. For most women it's the emotional component, but for men it's the sex.
Author Editbee Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Not the case for most men. The visualizations of their partner having sex with OM is the worst torture they will ever go through. That part of the betrayal is probably the primary reason many men are unable to reconcile with a cheating partner. For most women it's the emotional component, but for men it's the sex.True, men in general are visual by nature. I wonder how was that poor man able to overcome that. I've met the couple before not so long ago and they seem ok by now. I have to say you are correct on that. When I caught an ex bf with the OW, it hurt but it was easier for me to move on. I can always dumped the loser and find other good men worth my time. Now if he would have told me how he stopped loving him, then I think I would probably be in tears. I still can't believe that some people will choose the cowardly way of running to the OM/OW's arms instead of communicating.
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