michelle8198 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 This is my first time on here, I thought I'd share my story but I'll warn you it could get long. I started dating my fiancé in Jan 2006, he was perfect. We fell in love so fast and hard and he was so good to me and my son. We moved in together after only 6 months and within a year were expecting our first child together. In July 2007 our son was born and I couldn't be happier, I had the perfect man and 2 beautiful sons. Our relationship continued to go strong and we still had so much passion for eachother. When my son was about 6 months old I started to notice dating sites on our computer history. When I looked into it I found he'd been trying to hook up with random girls and had been messing around on there sites the entire time we'd been living together. I confronted him and he swore it had never gotten physical and that he never intended to get physical. He said it was just internet fun. He was sorry and it was never going to happen again. We moved on and in August 2008 we bought a house together and I thought everything was perfect. We became pregnant that fall and I was so happy. March 2009 my world came crashing, I delivered our precious baby at 20 weeks and she only lived just over 2 hours. Of course I was devastated and broken hearted. In the months after both our works slowed down and money was getting tight. I took a second job serving in a bar at night to help us stay afloat. The money was great and soon we didn't need to worry about it. That summer I found out he was visiting massage parlors and meeting escorts. So while I was busting my ass working 2 jobs he was spending the extra money on blow jobs and sex. While I was going through one of the darkest times of my life heartbroken over the loss of our baby and struggling with depression he was focusing his energy on hooking up with random girls. It's hard to explain why I let it continue but at the time I thought the only thing that could save me was another baby. So I continued working 2 jobs and he continued cheating until I got pregnant that fall. I then confronted him and got the same ****. He was sorry, couldn't lose me and would never do it again. Our daughter was born August 2010. Because I never got help with the depression issues stemming from losing our baby I got hit hard with post partum depression. One day in the fall I got a call from a friend telling me she just saw him and he wasn't at work where I thought. I looked into it and found he was cheating again including while I was in the hospital after the birth of our daughter. I confronted him and of course got the same answers, he was sorry, couldn't lose me and was never going to do it again. I let it go and a few months later we were engaged. I got help for my depression and things started to get better, I thought we were doing great and were even communicating better. We got pregnant again in July of 2011 so I stopped my meds but seemed to be okay. November 2011 my world fell again, again I delivered a baby girl at only 20 weeks and she also only lived for a few hours. I was and still am heartbroken. Of course the depression is back and after trying to deal on my own for 3 months I have an appt next week to hopefully get back on my meds. I also see he's back to his cheating ways, I don't think it's gone physical yet but I have no doubt that it will very soon. Hopefully by that time I will be back on my meds so I can think clearly. I am preparing myself for what's going to happen. I am not sure if our relationship can continue. Does anyone think there might be hope I could put an end to the cheating? Also has anyone stayed living together for the children but not in the relationship? I just don't know what to do...... I don't know if I want to be a single mother of 3. I hate him for doing this to me.
frozensprouts Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 michelle... first please let me say that i am so sorry that you lost two of your babies that way.It must have been devastating for you, but i expect you crammed lifetimes worth of love, care and concern into the very brief time you got to spend with them. My aunt had a stillborn daughter, and 50 years later she still thinks of her, only now it's with a smile instead of sadness. She got to see her and hold her (not often an option back then) and love her. Hopefully, someday you'll be where she is now. I'm also so sorry that your husbands behavior has done nothing but add to your grief. I know he's hurting too, but even so, he's being so very selfish. About your spouses behavior... it sounds like he was looking for something "on the side" even before your tragedy struck. I hate to say it,but he may be one of those people who just can't maintain monogamy for very long, and when you combine that with a selfish personality, you have a very bad situation indeed. It also sounds like he "fell deep in love " with you very quickly, and that is kind of troubling. do you find that the more you need him, the more he wants to "run away", but when he risks losing you, his "love" becomes very intense all over again? does he seem to fear being abandoned? I'm asking because it sounds like he may have some issues with some very deep roots that he;ll need some professional help to overcome. If i were you, i'd take some time to try and decide what you want, then sit down with him and talk to him about it. if you both want to reconcile, then you have every right to set some "ground rules" that he'll need to follow, and one of them could very well be that he gets some professional help. if you decide not to stay with him, that's fine too, and don't think of it as "failing"...you have done your best, he has not, now it may be best for both of you to move on. i can't offer advice on staying together long term "just for the kids", asit's not something i would do (short term, maybe, to give yourself some time to figure things out) whatever you decide, best of luck to you
Kidd Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 This is my first time on here, I thought I'd share my story but I'll warn you it could get long. I started dating my fiancé in Jan 2006, he was perfect. We fell in love so fast and hard and he was so good to me and my son. We moved in together after only 6 months and within a year were expecting our first child together. In July 2007 our son was born and I couldn't be happier, I had the perfect man and 2 beautiful sons. Our relationship continued to go strong and we still had so much passion for eachother. When my son was about 6 months old I started to notice dating sites on our computer history. When I looked into it I found he'd been trying to hook up with random girls and had been messing around on there sites the entire time we'd been living together. I confronted him and he swore it had never gotten physical and that he never intended to get physical. He said it was just internet fun. He was sorry and it was never going to happen again. We moved on and in August 2008 we bought a house together and I thought everything was perfect. We became pregnant that fall and I was so happy. March 2009 my world came crashing, I delivered our precious baby at 20 weeks and she only lived just over 2 hours. Of course I was devastated and broken hearted. In the months after both our works slowed down and money was getting tight. I took a second job serving in a bar at night to help us stay afloat. The money was great and soon we didn't need to worry about it. That summer I found out he was visiting massage parlors and meeting escorts. So while I was busting my ass working 2 jobs he was spending the extra money on blow jobs and sex. While I was going through one of the darkest times of my life heartbroken over the loss of our baby and struggling with depression he was focusing his energy on hooking up with random girls. It's hard to explain why I let it continue but at the time I thought the only thing that could save me was another baby. So I continued working 2 jobs and he continued cheating until I got pregnant that fall. I then confronted him and got the same ****. He was sorry, couldn't lose me and would never do it again. Our daughter was born August 2010. Because I never got help with the depression issues stemming from losing our baby I got hit hard with post partum depression. One day in the fall I got a call from a friend telling me she just saw him and he wasn't at work where I thought. I looked into it and found he was cheating again including while I was in the hospital after the birth of our daughter. I confronted him and of course got the same answers, he was sorry, couldn't lose me and was never going to do it again. I let it go and a few months later we were engaged. I got help for my depression and things started to get better, I thought we were doing great and were even communicating better. We got pregnant again in July of 2011 so I stopped my meds but seemed to be okay. November 2011 my world fell again, again I delivered a baby girl at only 20 weeks and she also only lived for a few hours. I was and still am heartbroken. Of course the depression is back and after trying to deal on my own for 3 months I have an appt next week to hopefully get back on my meds. I also see he's back to his cheating ways, I don't think it's gone physical yet but I have no doubt that it will very soon. Hopefully by that time I will be back on my meds so I can think clearly. I am preparing myself for what's going to happen. I am not sure if our relationship can continue. Does anyone think there might be hope I could put an end to the cheating? Also has anyone stayed living together for the children but not in the relationship? I just don't know what to do...... I don't know if I want to be a single mother of 3. I hate him for doing this to me. Some believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. I don't happen to believe it. I do believe, "Once a cheater, not always a cheater. Twice a cheater, always a cheater." Honey, I lost track of how many times you mentioned. I recently moved out on my wayward wife. It's a nightmare trying to cope with infidelity, to stay. I can tell you that almost immediately after I moved out and decided to divorce, I started to heal and look forward to my second life. It was liberating to be free and I will still be a great parent. Enough is enough. Sorry to see you're here. The club no one wanted to join. But you have friends here. 1
irin Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 im really sorry for your heartache:( but i dont think theres much to be saved in this relationship, the only advice i can give id to look after yourself and get better for your children. get away from hes not good for your state of mind right now!
Author michelle8198 Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 Just wanted to say thank you for the replies and clarify a few things. I am no longer bartending, it was only for a few months and while I was there my children were home with him. We never just leave our kids with people. I work from home so I am with them all day, for the few months I was working the second job it was at night while he was home. He does the cheating while I think he's at work. I realized after one of the responses that it didn't sound right the way I wrote it first. Also, I have never had any of my children to make our relationship better, we have always been in a good place when I have become pregnant with the exception of my daughter. I admit that was not a smart choice on my part and was purely selfish. I don't regret her at all but at the time of her conception I was not mentally right at all. I know this relationship is most likely doomed but I am too scared to just end it. I fear so many things and in a way I am using him now. I don't like the idea of raising our children separate, that's why I was wondering if anyone had any experience or advice about continuing to live together while no longer in the relationship. The thought of sending my children to go visit daddy makes me sick and we do fine parenting together. I also don't want to give up our home, we are both financially invested in it but I couldn't afford to keep it alone. Just to answer one more question, the reason I became engaged to him while I knew he cheated the honest answer as bad as it sounds would be because at the time it was easier to say "yes" then explain "no".
darkmoon Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 i've known a wife in your position who just quietly puts up with it, i'm saying this because you don't want your children to have a split family or to lose your home, i knew a man who found such shenanigans to be trifles when it compared to the home he had btw
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 My parents Ded when my sister and I were pretty young. I didn't see much of my Dad. It wasn't that bad of a D for me because of those factors. For my daughter it would be completely different because she is 9 and extremely attached to both of us. How close are your kids to their father? (sorry I'm confused about the # and ages of kids due to the tragic losses you've gone through) I'm leaning on saying that it would be best to D now, your kids are young enough that they won't even remember it. I wouldn't ever be able to trust a guy like that again.
Author michelle8198 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 Thanks for the reply. My children are 13yrs(from a previous relationship), 4yrs and 18mnths. He is a great father to them all including my oldest. My oldest's dad is no longer in the picture. We broke up when my son was about 2, it was a physically abusive relationship but I tried to keep their relationship until his father moved across the country a couple years ago. If we break up this will be the second man to leave his life. I hate the thought of doing that to him. I also feel bad doing it to our 2 young ones because they love their dad and he's great to them. I keep thinking that a good parent is supposed to put their children first and make sacrifices for them. Would this be considered one of those sacrifices? Am I supposed to sacrifice my happiness to keep them comfortable and happy? I also wonder if I would ever be happy without him too, I really can't see myself ever being with anyone else anyway so would it be worth it to tear their world apart if I am going to be miserable with the results either way? I am just so confused! I hate him sometimes for putting me in this position. It's crazy how you can hate someone with the same passion you love them.
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