chsavage Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Well first of all, hello my name is Chase, I'm 20, and I've had a hand full of relationships throughout my life so far. Most recently though I've dated a girl who has been a long time friend and (I found out later) mutual crush of mine. This may turn out to be a fairly long post because I feel pretty strongly about it, I will do my best to write with an interesting style so that more people are likely to survive to the end without changing to a shorter more interesting topic. To the issue at hand. OK so, the girl who I mentioned before and I were in a relationship for 6 months. I'm not going to romanticize it and say every single moment was absolutely perfect, I made some mistakes and so did she but we learned from them and moved on like any one would in a healthy relationship. I will say that I was more happy with her than I was in any other relationship, and she and I never dropped the L word or had sex (which I had in other relationships only to be led to heartbreak). Then about a week after Valentines day she texted me and told me that she needed to talk to me. I'm no fool, I knew where she was headed and instead of putting her in an awkward place and making her wait for me to be able to go over to her house I asked her to just tell me via text (So no she is not a cold heartless b***h). But I do have to admit that some of the things she said really hit hard. I've been dumped before because I was "Being too nice" and that's the same direction that she took. To put this in perspective I did not see this coming at all, she had been exposed to abusive relationships before and wanted something different (or so she said), and I tried to provide that for her. I would remind her every so often about her importance in my life and how I felt, whether that were vocally or with small tokens of affection and she would always be flattered but insisted I didn't need to do things like that. Well of course though because no polite girl demands you do things like that (Though I suspect they secretly desire those things). Now here I am, single again, feeling more and more like being nice isn't the key to being happy in a relationship (silly idea now that I read it myself but when you're told something again and again it sticks pretty well). I can't get her out of my mind though, and the more I think about it the more I can see that maybe I could have just done a little less, and treated her more like I had prior to the beginning of our relationship when she was the happiest. I've been talking to her friends, and her family has been talking to me because they really had a good relationship with me and really appreciated how I treated their beloved young lady member of their family (How do you even phrase that? haha). Her mom suggests that maybe she just wasn't ready for a serious relationship like ours and to tell the truth neither am I, but I must have given her the impression that I wanted to have that, and for that I feel like I've really messed up. The question I have is should I do everything I can to show this girl that I'm the same guy she liked so very much before I had an apparent change in behavior and do everything I can to show her that I can be the guy she wants me to be, or should I just suck it up and take my time to move on? Thoughts anyone?
jus d'orange Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 It's a good question. Here's a better one: Do you like being a nice guy because it's who you are? Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want someone who's nice? Yes, there are lots of theories on attraction and not being too nice -- playing hard to get, being a little bit aloof, etc. However, this is about what YOU want and deserve. If this girl doesn't want you because of what, frankly, is a good quality, then it's her loss. You'll find someone else who does want that, or is mature enough for it. Don't be a doormat to people, stand up for yourself (don't be too nice), but being kind and giving in a relationship is not a flaw on your part.
Author chsavage Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 Thank you. I know this is going to come across as sarcastic but trust me it isn't. It's really refreshing to get the opinion of someone who is unbiased to the situation and that I don't know personally. It does help to feel a bit better about the situation. You're probably right, I do just need some patience in finding someone who is looking for a guy like me.
Falcon25 Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Nice guys finish last, remember that. It's ok to be kind, but you have to be selfish. Women crave selfish men. They don't want to be center of your life. Act like "be cool if you and I are together, but whatever". Most people on this site do not understand ATTRACTION. Attraction is gained by having OPTIONS. She needs to know that you have other things going on. Don't chase her. Don't be nice. Don't be rude. Just be selfish. If you are always nice, you are what women hate, which is BORING. They would rather date an ugly, short, fugly looking guy than a BORING guy. Remember that.
69ways Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Nice guys finish last, remember that. It's ok to be kind, but you have to be selfish. Women crave selfish men. They don't want to be center of your life. Act like "be cool if you and I are together, but whatever". Most people on this site do not understand ATTRACTION. Attraction is gained by having OPTIONS. She needs to know that you have other things going on. Don't chase her. Don't be nice. Don't be rude. Just be selfish. If you are always nice, you are what women hate, which is BORING. They would rather date an ugly, short, fugly looking guy than a BORING guy. Remember that. If it was so straight forward , then you would buy a manual on this but because is not such a manual does not exist. You are using stereotypes, which it does not work as each woman and man are different. There is not right or wrong, you can be selfish on one case and win and you can do it on another case but because the reason of the break up was you not giving her enough attention, then been selfish will lead to a faster drift off on behalf of her....... Been nice does not mean boring, it just means you care
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