NordicStripes Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Hi guys, Some of you might still remember me as the very indecisive one... Anyway, it's been almost 8 months since the breakup and just need your opinions one last time. First of all, lets remind you of the situation: about a week before our 3-year anniversary my ex-fiancée dumps me because he feels like we can't work (lots of fights) and he's not sure he loves me anymore. I'm heartbroken. A week later I see him again and he says we'll never work again, and tells me theres no one else. A couple of days later I see him kissing a colleague of his. Two weeks later he comes knocking on my door that he misses me, that he loves me, that I'm THE ONE and that he wants me back. He'd slept with that colleague about 5 times he says.. Well, since then I told him to quit his job (he did that the same day), to tell that girl he didn't want to see her ever again (he did that the same day, on the phone, I was there). Then I moved abroad for three months, and he followed me there after 1,5 months. Then I moved back to my home country but to another city, so he got himself a job in that city. He used to always ditch me for his friends, now he hardly sees them anymore. He also got a new phonenumber and new emailadress so that ex-colleague of his can't contact him anymore. Basically he's really trying to become a better man, and succeeding at it. This has been going on for about 8 months, but I still haven't taken him back. These are the reasons I wouldn't take him back: * He hurt me in the most horrible way, by disrespectfully getting in the sack with a colleague of his immediately after we broke up. * This is why I find him disgusting and the idea of ever having sex with him again makes me sick. * Because he slept with that women I have the idea that he isn't the man I thought he was. I thought we shared the same values, obviously we don't. * I get a lot of interest from other men. It's not like he's my only option. * I don't see how I can ever forgive him for what he did Why would I take him back? * I do still care about him * I feel like I can be completely myself with him, I don't try to be better or different, I'm just me when I'm with him * He has been showing a lot of positive change - maybe people can change? * We had really built something together, even though in hindsight a lot of that seemed more important to me than to him. But now he really wants all: marriage, baby, etc... * I don't know if I'll ever feel so at ease with someone as I was with him I told him I need more time and space to myself. And he's now giving me that. But here's the thing: I feel like I want to make him hurt the way he hurt me. I feel like having casual sex with a friend or something (even though that's absolutely NOT something I would do... I have only shared my bed with two men and both were in serious relationships), just to make him feel what I've been through. I know that sounds very childish, but don't they say 'what goes around comes around'? Maybe I could come to terms with what he did better if I did the same thing to him.... Please what do you guys think?
TaraMaiden Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Revenge is sweet. But then again, so is arsenic, and neither are very good for you....
freetolove Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 If you sleep with another man just to get him back, you are not respecting yourself and your values. You have to decide if you want to forgive him or not. At the end of the day, you will just be hurting you. If you sleep with someone else, you trash your values and you hurt him. No one wins. Break up with him and move on if you don't think you can realistically forgive him. Your angry is only hurting you more. You obviously don't trust him and for good reason. My vote is to break up with him because cleaning it up is definitely not easy, esp if you are young. If you want to stay with him, you have to know that it's hard work on both ends.
Author NordicStripes Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 Hey freetolove, I know... The thing is, we're young, but not THAT young (I'm 26 and he's 24). We had a whole future planned and were sure that we were each others 'the one'... I do wish I could work things out with him, but right now, I'm so torn... And I don't want to wait forever to make a decision, I want to have kids some day and if it's not with him I'm going to have to get back into the dating scene soon
KathyM Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 I'd say he's too risky of a guy to get involved with again. You fought a lot of the time while together, and he decided he wanted out and dumped you. He may have decided now that he made a mistake and wants you back, but he's shown he can't be relied on for the long term. I think it would be a mistake to take him back. And don't go having a revenge affair. That won't solve anything, and will only make you feel worse. 1
rAFC Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 This relationship will never work UNTIL you get over what he did to you. You have every right to be upset, but I promise you that holding a grudge causes you more harm than him. I wouldn't recommend trying to get revenge, you probably won't feel any better afterwords. People can change, not that they always do, but judge his desire to change by his actions. At the end of the day, you need to either stop living in the past and fully forgive him, or end it with him once and for all. You will never be happy with him or yourself if you can't get over the past.
Author NordicStripes Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 Thanks for your responses guys! I know I need to forgive him if I ever want to this to work again, and I do love him, but I just don't see how. I just had him on the phone and told him that I would like to give it one last try: with couples-counselling. He doesn't like the idea, and started yelling that he felt that I didn't put enough effort into forgiving him over the last couple of months... Honestly, I don't see what he should be yelling at me. It was he who was in the wrong... He quit smoking for me a couple of months ago - and now he's holding that against me it seems. He says I was never able to respect his views - be it on smoking, smoking weed or even the way he feels that it's absolutely normal to have sex with random people when you're single (I don't believe that at all, I consider it to be very cheap)... This is so frustrating! I fear that if I end it for good that I will regret it one day, and I fear that if I give it a try Il'l regret it one day as well.
KathyM Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 You're already fighting, and you're not even back together yet. He's yelling at you, blaming you, and you have very different attitudes about stuff. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me to be getting back together. Maybe you are afraid of the future without him and afraid you won't meet someone you like better. But if you settle for someone you are not a match with, or who treats you badly, because you're afraid you won't find someone else, then you will never give yourself the opportunity to find that someone else who would make a better companion for you. Don't let your fear of the unknown keep you in a situation or relationship that is not good for you.
chelsea2011 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 The issue lies more with you than him because you are stll harboring a lot of anger that you can't let go of. He is taking care of business and working on himself and you should be doing the same. He may be giving you the space because he doesn't want to be involved with you while you are stuck and angry. The thing is, you guys are still young and both of you are bound to make mistakes; that's how you learn. He has learned how to set boundaries and you need to learn that people make mistakes and grow from them. You not being abe to forgive is more about you than him. It's an issue within you that needs to be looked at instead of blaming him. Focus on you and let the guy go if you can't find it in your heart to forgive him. Thoughts of revenge speaks more about YOUR character than his. It's a mean and spiteful thing to do to someone just because you can't let go of the anger. I would rather be with someone who makes a mistake and learns from it as opposed to someone who wants to exact revenge on someone. That's just awful and very hurtful. Not the kind of person that makes a good long term partner because I would fear they would act this way everytime they disagree with a person's choices. You should seek therapy to figure out why you want to lash out and consciously plan a way to hurt him. Or, at the very least, let the guy go and quit torturing him with your spite and anger.
TaraMaiden Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Look - I really don't want to call you a self-defeating masochistic doormat - please don't make me stoop so low.... but really - why are you narrowing your field to this sole option? What's so special about him? What exactly have you learnt from this relationship that makes you sincerely believe there is sound hope? Cos I'm damned for the life of me if I can see it..... every moment you waste on this man, is a possible opportunity lost, elsewhere....
marqueemoon4 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 An eye for an eye makes both people blind. You're better than that.
Author NordicStripes Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 The issue lies more with you than him because you are stll harboring a lot of anger that you can't let go of. He is taking care of business and working on himself and you should be doing the same. He may be giving you the space because he doesn't want to be involved with you while you are stuck and angry. The thing is, you guys are still young and both of you are bound to make mistakes; that's how you learn. He has learned how to set boundaries and you need to learn that people make mistakes and grow from them. You not being abe to forgive is more about you than him. It's an issue within you that needs to be looked at instead of blaming him. Focus on you and let the guy go if you can't find it in your heart to forgive him. Thoughts of revenge speaks more about YOUR character than his. It's a mean and spiteful thing to do to someone just because you can't let go of the anger. I would rather be with someone who makes a mistake and learns from it as opposed to someone who wants to exact revenge on someone. That's just awful and very hurtful. Not the kind of person that makes a good long term partner because I would fear they would act this way everytime they disagree with a person's choices. You should seek therapy to figure out why you want to lash out and consciously plan a way to hurt him. Or, at the very least, let the guy go and quit torturing him with your spite and anger. Chelsea, you really struck a chord with me there... I aways hear people say - like here - that I shouldn't waste my time with people who make horrible mistakes like he did... I do know that he is spending so much time and energy making things right, and he's been doing so for many months now... But for some reason I am stuck in this anger and bitterness.. I was thinking: my ex before him cheated on me several times. It took me three years to get over that and even consider being in another relationship. Maybe all of these experiences are accumulating, and frankly, I think I'm drowning... Started on 5-HTP again last night, hope it'll let me see some more positive things in life again. I just want to be happy...
Sugarkane Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Well you wouldn't be tempted to get revenge? I know someone who cheated on her long term bf. So he dumped her. Years later she has no one hanging around and she contacts him coz she's lonely. She asked him to take her back. We all warned her that he might screw her over. But of coarse she didn't listen. They lasted weeks/ months and then he cheated on her and dumped her. Knowing what she's like, she really did deserve it.
Author NordicStripes Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 Well you wouldn't be tempted to get revenge? I know someone who cheated on her long term bf. So he dumped her. Years later she has no one hanging around and she contacts him coz she's lonely. She asked him to take her back. We all warned her that he might screw her over. But of coarse she didn't listen. They lasted weeks/ months and then he cheated on her and dumped her. Knowing what she's like, she really did deserve it. Hmmm, I'm not saying I wouldn't think about it. But I don't think I would act on it... that's just not how I rock. And like someone said earlier, it's not worth losing my self-respect over.
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