nadineinlove Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, I'm new to this site, and guess I am just looking for some answers on my current situation. So my ex and I broke up about a year ago because we started to argue quite a bit, I became a bit insecure towards the end as I thought I was losing him, I didn't give him his space which frustrated him, we would end up arguing and it pushed him away, so he ended it. I went No contact, to heal but also hoping he'd come back. He came back a few months later- told me he missed me, still loved me but was scared if we got back together we would end up arguing again. We ended up seeing eachother, hanging out, having an amazing time- but never discussed getting back together (I guess I was scared I would scare him away). So we've been on and off for a few months. Until a few months ago I decided I couldn't do this anymore. He contacted me after a while telling me he was sorry and that he really wanted to see me. So I decided to meet up with him, and I told him I couldn't do this 'on and off' anymore... I suggested we finally give things a go, take it slowly, see how it goes... or just cut contact for good and leave eachother alone to move on. He agreed to see how things go, so I went to visit him for a weekend, we had an amazing time- opened up to eachother so much, and it felt really promising. (we can only see eachother at weekends because he lives in another city but is moving to my city in a few months time) The following weekend I wanted to see him but he had plans to go out with his friends, so I said ok another time. The next weekend, he couldnt do as he was busy again! So it came to the weekend after that, and I was hoping he would initiate plans but he didn't so I called him, and asked him what was going on... I thought we were going to see how things go, but how can we if we never see eachother! He got angry, and said look we are arguing already! But I told him I just wanted to see him, so we could actually work on this! He said he's been really busy. I understand if hes busy but I just didn't feel he wanted this as much. I guess the past was coming back to haunt me, I started to feel like I was into it more than him, I just wanted him to tell me he wanted to see me! and if not to just end it, and not leave me feeling like i dont know whats going on! Anyway, after we argued he said lets leave eachother alone to calm down and talk in a few days. So a few days later we started talking again, and we were fine so I suggested to meet up this weekend.. He said he was busy but even if he was free, if I thought it was a good idea as we had argued? I told him I wanted to meet up to discuss and sort out what happened, but if he didn't want to then fine! and that i give up on trying to fix this! We havent spoken since, but I am just so confused! I thought we had agreed to see how things go- but how can we see how things go if we never see eachother! (we've seen eachother once in a month, and that one time was amazing!) But he seems to think that because we have argued we wont work. But the argument happened because I want to see him and feel he doesn't! I know from writing this it seems he's not interested at all, but then why did he tell me that weekend we met up that he wants to see how things go. We still have such strong feelings for eachother, and I think it seems silly to throw all that away just for one stupid argument! I need some advice here, please! I know this is long, but I need to know what to do. How can I make him see that in order to work things out we need to see eachother! Edited March 10, 2012 by nadineinlove
stu1234 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Hi, my advice will I'm sure be no good, especially as I am still hung over a girl after 4 months without her but he really does seem disinterested. It's obvious that for it to work he has got to make some sort of effort to see you and as you look forward to the meetings, once a month simply is not enough. I guess you have to change his mind on how often to meet but I have no idea how that would be possible lol..
ConfusedOne4 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 I agree with stu1234. I feel like if he isn't making the effort then he isn't worth your effort. I'm sorry, but I didn't know how else to phrase that. If you really want to try though, I'd leave it to him to make the effort of planning something and you don't initiate it. Talk like you normally do, but don't bring up meeting up. Hopefully he isn't slow on catching onto things and he will initiate a get together. If he doesn't after a while, I'm not sure what to say. I think you should try to find someone else that would make you happy because no one is worth keeping you pinning over them, while they live their lives doing whatever its that they're doing.
Author nadineinlove Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 The thing is, it is true that he has been busy and distracted... hes had important exams to prepare for... so I guess I was kinda hasty in having a go at him, when hes had reasons to not put much effort in. And I guess me having a go at him pushed him away... I just wish he could see things from my point of view... he thinks that as we have had an argument, we wont work. Do you think this is true?
rAFC Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 It sounds like he is genuinely interested in you (although only he can really know that). However, you know he is very busy right now with legitimate life issues (exams etc), so you need to slow things down on your side. I know you want to spend time with him, and that is a good thing, but you need to give him some space. Pull back and let him start to miss you. Sooner or later he is going to contact you and want to see you, but not if you are always calling him first and getting upset with him for not having a lot of free time!
TaraMaiden Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 sorry, this is never, ever going to work. On your track record, you really believe you can carry on as you both are, and keep blowing opposites for the next (how long you planning to do this for....)? Have you heard the saying - "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result." well sure... he has a good excuse this time... what is it....? oh yeah.... he has been busy and distracted... hes had important exams to prepare for... What was it last time? And the time before that? And the time before that? And what will it be the NEXT time? And the time after that? And the time after that? The fact is - it doesn't matter what the excuse is. There will always BE an excuse. Because it's somehow better than the real reason; You guys don't match, and sometimes, it's a good idea to know when to drop something that simply isn't working, and is not ever going to work, no matter how hard you try to fix it.
Author nadineinlove Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 Thanks for the responses guys! I am going to step back, and let him make a little effort- if he doesn't then I know hes not interested and I will walk away. But I'm afraid that what I've done may have ruined everything and pushed him away for good- what do you think?
Author nadineinlove Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 ?? Why do you hope its pushed him away?! Also is it rude if i dont ask him how his exams went? I dont want to initiate contact yet again, but I want him to know I care! Last time we spoke we had an argument ...so maybe I should just give him space to cool down?? This sucks
ConfusedOne4 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 If you really want to ask him how his exam went...maybe send him a text or an e-mail and then let him reply. So, your still giving him some space but you want him to know you care and want him to make a move to reply in whatever way he wants. I'm not sure if that is the best method, but other people can say if it's a plan or not...
TaraMaiden Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 ?? Why do you hope its pushed him away?! Also is it rude if i dont ask him how his exams went? I dont want to initiate contact yet again, but I want him to know I care! Last time we spoke we had an argument ...so maybe I should just give him space to cool down?? This sucks Nadine, you really need to let this go. You're not in love... you're in neediness...... It's the person who cares the least who controls the most. And vice-versa..... What you actually need to do, is to give him so much space, he can't see you so far over the horizon - and you need to give yourself space and time to clear your head and really - move - on. this is not healthy. it's not going to work. Stop clinging to a fragment, because it's a vain hope. Let go, and leave it be. Go No Contact - read my signature.....
Author nadineinlove Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 (edited) Do you think I've shown him through my actions that I was needy? I just really wanted this to work out....and I guess I was scared of getting hurt again Edited March 10, 2012 by nadineinlove
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 The thing is, it is true that he has been busy and distracted... hes had important exams to prepare for... so I guess I was kinda hasty in having a go at him, when hes had reasons to not put much effort in. And I guess me having a go at him pushed him away... I just wish he could see things from my point of view... he thinks that as we have had an argument, we wont work. Do you think this is true? When you need to force a man to see you - is when it's already over. He hasn't been making you his priority! That tells you everything! Heck - I know men that are CEO's that fly all over the country - and THEY MAKE time for their woman! They call ahead and make PLANS by asking to see HER! He hasn't been doing it that way. He isn't making YOU a priority! And - when you tell him you need to see him to "talk about it" - sheez, that just pushes him further away! He knows you intend to scold him for not paying enough attention to you. No guy wants that! His actions told you everything - yet you just kept begging for crumbs. Why?
Author nadineinlove Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 Because we agreed we were gonna see how things go, yet we never even saw eachother! How is that seeing how things go?! I thought if we saw eachother we would have the great time that we did that weekend a month ago... He kept saying he was busy, so I thought he didn't want this which annoyed me cos it made me feel he was stringing me along when he told me he wanted to try again, PLUS made me feel used for sex! I didn't want to feel that way, and I thought if we saw eachother I wouldn't feel that way Anyway, what this has just turned into disaster. I've been trying to see him so we can fix this, cos i dont see how we can fix this without seeing eachother! I just wish he would tell me he doesn't want this instead of avoiding me!!! I deserve better than that!
TaraMaiden Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Avoiding you DOES = he doesn't want this - !! I'm so sorry to sound as if i'm generalising, but men are great avoiders..... We love to talk things through - they prefer to not talk things through. as far as they're concerned, all the yelling, back - n - forth stuff...IS the talking about it! He's trying to make it as plain as a pikestaff that he would be really happy to have you as a FWB if you didn't keep bi.t.chin' about all the rest of the crappy stuff.... you really need to make huge strides in the opposite direction, gather all the dignity and pride you have left for yourself and get the hell out of there. pronto.
Author nadineinlove Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 Well I've deleted his number, so I know I can't contact him... Do you think I've shown him I was needy? I don't think Im a needy person in general, I guess I just really wanted this to work- I was just confused why he said he wanted to see how things go yet he never made the effort to make plans to see me!!!??? Anyone would be confused by that right?!
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Because we agreed we were gonna see how things go, yet we never even saw eachother! How is that seeing how things go?! I thought if we saw eachother we would have the great time that we did that weekend a month ago... He kept saying he was busy, so I thought he didn't want this which annoyed me cos it made me feel he was stringing me along when he told me he wanted to try again, PLUS made me feel used for sex! I didn't want to feel that way, and I thought if we saw eachother I wouldn't feel that way Anyway, what this has just turned into disaster. I've been trying to see him so we can fix this, cos i dont see how we can fix this without seeing eachother! I just wish he would tell me he doesn't want this instead of avoiding me!!! I deserve better than that! He doesn't want YOU - he only wants sex. Stop contacting him! I asked you why YOU are begging for his crumbs - you didn't answer... He said he would see how things go - they AREN'T going well - in fact they aren't going - at all! You want to talk about it - he isn't going to!!!!!! Men HATE THAT! Get it through your head honey - he's a guy who uses gals! Stop being the gal he intends to use!
sweetheart5381 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Well I've deleted his number, so I know I can't contact him... Do you think I've shown him I was needy? I don't think Im a needy person in general, I guess I just really wanted this to work- I was just confused why he said he wanted to see how things go yet he never made the effort to make plans to see me!!!??? Anyone would be confused by that right?! Yes, the fight between heart and mind is confusing - that's what the "gut" feeling is for. My advice would be to go with your gut. Just my opinion, but it seems that you know instinctively you should listen to this voice (end it completely and move on) but your heart is still pleading with you to keep on hoping for the "meant to be". Just remember, the heart knows no logic when it comes to your overall well-being. Bottom line, if you question his true intentions there is a reason for it. It's your gut talking; don't ignore it, it will only cause more pain. 1
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 And next time - with any man - don't mix in the sex too soon. The sex will confuse a gal like you. To some men - seeing you means they get sex... Don't make it that way for them. You want to know they want to SEE you - to see you. For some gals - they get too attached when they give the sex - it carries more meaning than for the men. Some men will take the sex wherever they can get it - don't be that gal.
Author nadineinlove Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 When we had sex he told me it wasn't emotionless with me like it is with other girls.. and i know he was telling the truth- i could feel it! Do you think I've shown him I was needy?? I think this is my fault and I've pushed him away! He likes to take things slow and doesnt like to feel pressured, and I rushed it cos I just had an amazing time and was so excited!
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Yes needy. He was showing you he didn't need or want that much from you. You two aren't a good match.
TaraMaiden Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 When we had sex he told me it wasn't emotionless with me like it is with other girls.. and i know he was telling the truth- i could feel it! oh yes I'm sure you could... it gets you *right there*, don't it...? The trouble is, have you any idea what he was telling the other girls? It sure wasn't "sheesh, you know, sex is so emotionless with you - not like it is with Nadine..." that's not what a girl wants to hear, right? What a girl wants to hear, is that it was an emotional experience.... The question is, if sex is so emotional with you - and so NOT emotional with anyone else - why would he be having sex with anyone else...? Liar. Do you think I've shown him I was needy?? You don't need to show him. He can spot it for himself a mile away. Which is why you're so easy to fool with that 'sex wasn't emotionless' line.... I think this is my fault and I've pushed him away! He likes to take things slow and doesnt like to feel pressured, and I rushed it cos I just had an amazing time and was so excited! No, it's not your fault and you've pushed him away - but you are being very naive.... He clearly wants a completely different thing to you, and if you capitulate and give him what he wants, you will be an emotional drained wreck before the month is out.....
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 What you're failing to see is that you made the effort. He wasn't making enough effort at all. You initially WENT TO HIM for the weekend. Why? Why not make HIM make the effort to come to YOU? Then you waited - next weekend - nothing - next weekend - nothing. He's simply not making effort! Yet you continued pushing. And I bet you were willing to go to him again? Make a man make the effort for YOU! YOU are worth it! The RIGHT man will go to any length to see you - he isn't the right guy!
DonBeso12 Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Nadineinlove hello lovely! listen here is the the honest truth. I was seeing this girl on and off for about a year and a half, were both in school as well so i understand more than anyone how important and distressing it is to prepare for examinations. It took me screwing up to realize what i was really losing, but even then it felt a little bit right for us to be apart. Similar things happened as in your relationship, we tried to stop talking to one another but one night we found each other and worked things out, or so i thought. In the end we had the same problems. The wrong way to deal with this problem is to try and manipulate a response out of him, by ignoring him, or waiting for him to initiate contact. By doing this you are avoiding your own natural way of communication. If this guy loves you, he is probably in love with the way you relate to, and communicate with him. if you begin to distort the way you talk to him, you are letting your insecurities get the best of you and little things he says like, "I'm busy" can translate to you incorrectly as, "i don't want to talk to you" which may not be the case. When you see him this weekend, be direct, and honest with him, but try and keep your emotions out of it. Crying or hysterics may make him feel like he has to "take care" of you, which will make him focus on making you feel better rather than the task at hand. Yelling will make him shut you out because he's feeling attacked. Stay calm, be respectful and vigilant when discussing his busy schedule, and most importantly: Listen! You need to talk in a way that makes him listen (sans drama), and Listen in a way that makes him talk. Finally, if things don't improve after this weekend: What it looks like to me is that this gentleman in question has grown comfortable with having you around. It seems as though if he ever broke it off from you he always knew he could find a way to get you back somehow. If he is growing distant, and you feel like he has given up, or is losing grip, then get out. Where there is smoke there is fire, and while it may be hard for you to move on, you have already taught yourself how to before. Best of luck to you!
2sunny Posted March 11, 2012 Posted March 11, 2012 Nadineinlove hello lovely! listen here is the the honest truth. I was seeing this girl on and off for about a year and a half, were both in school as well so i understand more than anyone how important and distressing it is to prepare for examinations. It took me screwing up to realize what i was really losing, but even then it felt a little bit right for us to be apart. Similar things happened as in your relationship, we tried to stop talking to one another but one night we found each other and worked things out, or so i thought. In the end we had the same problems. The wrong way to deal with this problem is to try and manipulate a response out of him, by ignoring him, or waiting for him to initiate contact. By doing this you are avoiding your own natural way of communication. If this guy loves you, he is probably in love with the way you relate to, and communicate with him. if you begin to distort the way you talk to him, you are letting your insecurities get the best of you and little things he says like, "I'm busy" can translate to you incorrectly as, "i don't want to talk to you" which may not be the case. When you see him this weekend, be direct, and honest with him, but try and keep your emotions out of it. Crying or hysterics may make him feel like he has to "take care" of you, which will make him focus on making you feel better rather than the task at hand. Yelling will make him shut you out because he's feeling attacked. Stay calm, be respectful and vigilant when discussing his busy schedule, and most importantly: Listen! You need to talk in a way that makes him listen (sans drama), and Listen in a way that makes him talk. Finally, if things don't improve after this weekend: What it looks like to me is that this gentleman in question has grown comfortable with having you around. It seems as though if he ever broke it off from you he always knew he could find a way to get you back somehow. If he is growing distant, and you feel like he has given up, or is losing grip, then get out. Where there is smoke there is fire, and while it may be hard for you to move on, you have already taught yourself how to before. Best of luck to you! Huh? Did you read? He wasn't even making effort for her! Read - man - read before posting!
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