Best Friend, Ex Boyfriend Stopping me from getting into a healthy relationship

[freetolove]

I'm still friends with my first boyfriend from college. We were together for 5 years. At the end I broke up with him. I felt horrible. Fast forward, after about a year apart, we became friends again. It's been a few year already and I'm 27. Since then I've been in and out of a few relationships. He's dated once. We no longer have feelings for each other but we do spend quite a bit of time together. He's also my best friend, he knows almost everything about me.

 

I think maybe because I know I hurt him and feel bad about it even thought it's so long ago. I don't allow myself to really fall in love with someone else.

 

Last year I finally met someone and I fell in Love. It was a messy unhealthy relationship. We finally broke up yesterday but I can't help but think that maybe I sabotage my relationships because I know he's not happy/not dating.

 

I have other friends but because he knows me so well it's really hard for me to not spend time with him. I still "baby" him sometimes. He's definitely "grew up" a lot since then. I thought about getting back together but the feelings are just not there anymore.

 

I really want to be in a healthy fulfilling relationship but I don't want to give up my best friend/ex bf.

 

I don't know what to do.

[TaraMaiden]

So...contrary to the thread title, it's not him, or his fault at all.

It's you....

you can't put this on his shoulders at all.

 

I'd seek counselling as to why you self-sabotage.

"Still not over him" is far too simplistic an explanation, and i think it may run deeper than that.

 

Are you a people pleaser?

You sound like one....

If it took you a year to get into, realise, and then get out of a 'messy unhealthy' relationship, it looks like you might have stuck it out to avoid hurting someone's feelings....

 

Really, I'd try to get to see a professional counsellor.

you probably already have the answer at your fingertips, you just don't know it.

And please, don't either tell your ex, or take him along, whatever you do.

This is your baggage.

Deal with it.

[freetolove]

Actually I was a counselor, I made a career change a few years ago. You are extremely judgmental. You advice to just go get professional help doesn't add much to supporting someone else.

[TaraMaiden]

Well pardon me for trying to help....

 

Ok, then, as a former counsellor, how would you tackle someone coming to you with the same kind of issue?

[freetolove]

It's a little different. I think being friends with my first ex is hindering my relationships hence why I posted here. I'm just not exactly sure what's the best way to handle it.

 

Logically, stop being friends with him. I made a lot of new friends since I'm fairly out going. Actually most of his friends are people he met through me. In the past, he's always been a little shy/quiet. He's gotten a lot better but hey, he was my first love. Our friendship flows pretty well and to be honest I do count on him somewhat emotionally, he keeps me sane. I don't exactly need him and vice versa.

 

The only idea I can come up with is move far away lol which doesn't seem all the logically. But sometimes, it does seem like a good solution. iono

[TaraMaiden]

Ok...

I Posted this in another thread, but i think it could apply here:

 

My problem is that sometimes my brain thinks so much faster than my fingers, so i just put down my thoughts.

I come over as abrasive, but really, I'm just telling it, like I'm thinking it, like it is....

so while i don't mean to offend, turns out i do.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/316957-middle-aged-middle-class-women#post3866443

 

 

i just wanted to put that out there.

The written medium sucks, sometimes, for getting points across quickly and effectively....

 

could I ask... does he know you consider his being on the scene, a hindrance to your forming intimate relationships with other men?

(I am trying to keep the 'blame' tone out here, that's not my intention....)

 

The fact is, that if he is aware - and he hasn't commented, or changed the way he interacts with you, then maybe there is a subliminal tendency on his part to scupper your plans....

 

but if he isn't - then, really, the problem does originate within your mind-set....

 

Instead of 'stopping being friends with him', talk to him about what's happening and see if he can't put forward something constructive...

Use this to your advantage, but recognise that there is something blocking your progress, and rather than look upon it as a negative, see where there might be a positive.

 

Of course, the additional situation which might prove difficult to tackle, is how any prospective paramour, might view your friendship with an ex-.....

[freetolove]

thanks for the above note.

 

I've brought it up before, he's fairly indifferent about it. I'm a lot more intuitive/emotional then he is. He's the logical one so if I bring it up to him, he would say "okay let's hang out less". But we enjoy each other's company.

 

You're right about the future relationship thing. I was all for being up front/honest with my then new lover so I told him that I was still friends with my ex. It did become an issue and we broke up.

 

Another time he talked me into going to some party where he liked some girl/girl liked him. I kept telling him that I'm really not the right person to go with him. The girl ended up freaking out. I was like eek, "told ya". We just laughed about it. So I think I know the answer, I do need to spend less time with him/move away vice versa but it's the little steps that's difficult/confusing.

 

For instance, this morning, He's coming over so we can bring his car to the shop. We'll go out to brunch. I'll probably vent about my breakup. He'll listen and make fun of me for being "stupid" or try to cheer me up. Then, we're go workout.

 

We were really good friends for about 1.5 years prior to dating for 5 years so it feels like it reverted back to that except being a little older/wiser.

 

I think we create a comfort zone for each other where it's "safe". I hang out with plenty of other people but I always end up "checking in" with him etc to update him, etc. I think it gives me the experience of continuity because sometimes things don't always make sense to me.

 

A lot of reasoning but still doesn't solve the problem urg =/

[TaraMaiden]

er, no.....

I think the problem is solved.

 

 

your next problem is suiting the actions to the words.

 

you KNOW what you have to do.

 

the problem is - doing it.

 

It's highly likely that you have clicked so deeply with this guy, your expectations of any other man having the same effect, are through the roof.

you've raised the bar to such an extent, you're almost courting disappointment, not your next potential life partner.....

 

 

maybe....?

[freetolove]

I don't know, we definitely don't always click, rather it's more comforting and "safe" but it's something to think about. thanks

[freetolove]

actually can you go over what you mean by "courting disappointment"? I sort of get it but I don't get it.

[freetolove]

a thought though, our relationship did get a lot better when there was no longer any expectation

 

e.g. flowers during Vday, being sweet, etc. all the things that is sort of expected from a lover.

 

there was no pressure on either end. If I didn't feel like doing something we he would do his thing and I would do mine.

 

Is that what you mean?

[TaraMaiden]

actually can you go over what you mean by "courting disappointment"? I sort of get it but I don't get it.

 

not quite....

You might be measuring other guys up against him - and they're all found wanting.

Let's be honest - while you have him around, it's going to be difficult finding a man who'll measure up.

I'm not suggesting it will be a conscious comparison, but he sounds such a good soul, it's hard to beat that....

[freetolove]

What do I do now? It's also sort of mean to just start not inviting him to social events we literally have about 300 friends in common (FB)

 

Adding new ones, that's what I've been doing, just meeting new friends.

 

Any other ideas?

[TaraMaiden]

Well, really, the choice is hard - and the choice is yours.

you have to weigh up whether you're going to stay with what you know best, and forfeit the possibility of a good, solid relationship with someone else - or cut the ties, travel, find employment elsewhere - anything to put physical distance between you and him....

 

but realise that if you choose the former, all things change, evolve, transform and eventually come to an end....

what happens if he actually meets someone he would like to spend more time with, than he does with you?

So many different permutations...

 

It's a tricky one...

Ultimately - what do you think would bring you pleasure -

and what do you think would bring you happiness?

[freetolove]

Tara! I have a question for you, this is more related to friendship and not related to dating. You seem to be assertive and might know a thing or two what to do.

 

There's this girl who I work together with. She's really "nice" but for whatever reason makes me feel really uncomfortable. (like she's overly nice or not authentic with me). What I usually do with those type of people, I just stop talking to them or interact with them as little as possible. Because we're working on a mutual work projects we have to spend a decent amount of time together. I can't seem to pinpoint what it is but she sort of creeps me out and I don't know what to do.

 

For example, I'm going to a meeting and I'm taking some people with me. Instead of just accepting it, she keeps asking me questions, who is it? why? etc. I sort of brushed it off but later realized that I do feel uncomfortable around her. She keeps entering into my personal space (sometimes not always literally). Thoughts?

[TaraMaiden]

when there seems to be a deliberate invasion of personal space - be it physical or psychological - that person has an agenda, and more often than not - it's a matter of self-esteem.

If you put yourself in her place, there is every likelihood that she feels threatened by your work ethic.

I noticed in your profile, that you cite 'business' as your primary interest....

now, i don't want to make assumptions, but that being the case, I would imagine you're pretty focused, conscientious and dedicated to your job, because you enjoy it, by and large?

Maybe this is alien to her, and she feels like she's competing....maybe she feels she doesn't come up to scratch, and feels she needs to be in on everything in order to be on the ball and keep up...?

i think it may be a case where she's looking up to you...

work on your own professional confidence.... and explain, next time she seeks to 'invade your personal space' that when she needs to know something, you'll be sure to tell her....

if she's working on the same project as you, that would indicate teamwork is necessary, so include her when it's vital to the result - but simply be professionally aloof when you don't....

It's a bit like being a manager - you need to be a friend to everyone - but a friend to no-one... if it's just a work thing, remember that at the end of the day, she goes her way and you go yours....

relax. as long as you act correctly - she's her own worst enemy.

 

'course, i could be way off bat with all of this!

[freetolove]

you're pretty good at this =) thanks! I actually had similar assumptions and yes I do love what I do. It's a little emotionally straining having to put work aside and handle the situations with her. I was hoping you would just give me an answer that would make her go away lol (half joking) =)

Edited March 13, 2012 by freetolove

[bikinibeach]

you used to be a counselor? have you not heard of codependency??

[TaraMaiden]

Ever heard the saying "Physician heal thyself?"

 

funnily enough, a friend of mine - a nurse - says that doctors are the worst for being ill... they're either chronic hypochondriacs, or they refuse to get treatment when they need it, because they know everything and nobody else does.....!

 

sometimes, no amount of training and/or qualifications help us see - and solve - the problems we carry on our own shoulders.

The statistics for divorces amongst relationship counsellors are absolutely not a single jot different to the statistics of divorce between people in any other normal walk of life.

counsellors are first and foremost, human beings, with all the bulk and baggage that entails.

 

I'm convinced the reason my first marriage lasted so long, was that we had both worked extensively - on a voluntary basis - for a relationships counselling organisation.

And frankly, that worked against us, because we managed to rationalise everything we experienced, and stayed together - for far, far longer than we should have done...

we managed to smooth everything over, talk things through - and really, sometimes it's just better to call it quits....

 

so having been a counsellor, has little to do with anything, when you're in the deep-thick of it....