robertmathis1026 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Well Maybe she misses you but at the same think she is thinking that you are a jerk. That's my assumption, but what I see here that you have been a better person since the breakup, that's good but you are needy. I think you should cut off the contact for a while then start the contact again BUT don't talk about past relationship just talk about something new. Don't be needy. Are you SUFFERING THE PAIN, because your ex DUMP you? Can You imagine, if you can make your ex BEGGING TO BACK WITH YOU? click here to make it HAPPEN!!
Author Mister Spock Posted March 23, 2012 Author Posted March 23, 2012 Yes robertmathis, I am a very needy person always have been I seem to hide it well enough when I first meet a girl and initially thorough the relationship, but at some point it always come through. That's normally what ends up pushing them away. Funnily enough, this particular ex is the only one I never acted needy towards (probably because I was high all the time and just didn't care enough), I was just a selfish loser and that is what pushed her away. It is only now that I am becoming needy in her eyes and I really need to stop it. I guess just stopping talking about relationships, feelings, 'us', the possibility of a future together and all that stuff will stop me seeming needy?
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 Yes robertmathis, I am a very needy person always have been Take no notice - he's writing anything, because he has an external link to advertise. He's a spammer.
leoc1973 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 if you have been following other posters on this site at all there are actually a couple girls on here that met up with ex's "just as friends" and now they can't get their guys out of their heads. I am thinking if you can just show up and have a good time with her and if you really have cleaned yourself up then all those feelings are going to come back. DO NOT pressure her!! Think of it this way. You want her back right? well if you say anything at all about getting back together its not going to happen. If you feel like bringing it up (which you are going to be dying to do) then you might a well fart burp pick your nose check out other girls and whatever else you can do to turn her of because mentioning her giving you another chance will be worse than all of that. Show up, look good, tell her about your 5 or 3 year plan(women love that stuff) but be sincere! A woman can see through bull **** a mile(or kilometer and a half) away. You will kick yourself for years if you don't meet her!! You are already heartbroken so you really have nothing to lose. Dude just be yourself you sound like a great guy who was just going through a hard time. this girl was madly in love with you if she put up with you so you will be fine! After you meet her do not e mail her first. She has to take it all in and go over it a million times in her head and if you start emailing her she is going to just get confused. You are there to plant a seed and nothing more. and again look through a few of the recent female posters there are several that met their ex's and want them back now.
Mary-Jane Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I second what leoc says. I fell in love with an ex all over again after meeting him for a friends dinner and never in my life I expected that to happen, I wasn't interested in him at all for a long time. So relax, she was in love with you once, anything may happen.
Author Mister Spock Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 (edited) Hi again everybody. So me and the ex finally met up on wednesday. We had such a great time, it was a really sunny day and we just sat in the sun and hung out and talked for 4 hours. She made a point of saying a few times how great I looked and how trendy my clothes were and how I'll always be really good looking. It was quite emotional when we said goodbye and we gave each other a big hug, but for the whole time I stayed light, funny and didn't mention getting back together or anything like that. She rang me 2 days later (friday) and we talked on the phone for like 3 hours, again I kept it light and we had a great talk, joking and being playful with each other, she even made a couple of flirty comments that suggested she had been thinking about me in "that" way again. Then she rang me again just now (sunday evening) and we chatted for about an hour and a half. This call was a bit more serious and I tried to stay light and relaxed but what she said crushed me a bit and I didn't hide my being upset very well. Basically tonight she said it's so great being friends with me and she's enjoying it a lot, but it makes her sad to see what might have been. She says she's annoyed I've changed now but didn't change when we were together. (I told her that I only changed because she broke up with me and because I harboured dreams of a reconciliation but she feels that f I really loved her I would have changed when we were together) She said I was the only person she's ever wanted to marry but I used her so badly she could never trust me again. She said she's changed as a person but she wishes she had a time machine to go back to when we were first together and maybe then we would have a chance of making it work, but without a time machine she could never forget how upset and disappointed in me she was. She made the time machine remark a couple of times, as if she really wishes we could go back in time, but kept saying there's no way to undo the past and change how she feels. I didn't ask or prompt her on any of this, she just said it, so she's obviously been considering me again but is still very hurt and feels that a leopard can't change it's spots. I made a 'jokey' comment that if we carry on getting on as well as we are and if we're still friends like this in a few years maybe she'll trust me again, but she said she didn't think so. Things very briefly looked good and for the past few days I've been happier than I've been in a long time, but it looks fairly definitive that she'll never fully trust me or want to be with me again. I feel I should go back to the old NC, but I feel that would be churlish after what she's just said. Any thoughts anyone? Anything I can do or is this looking hopeless? Just as an aside, she's starting a new job tomorrow and as we were finishing our phone call just now she said she would call me tomorrow evening to let me know how her first day went. I feel like she wants me as emotional support like she would get from me if we were together but as ever, it's all very confusing. Do I carry on as we are and hope that one day she changes her mind or am I just becoming entrenched in the dreaded 'friend' zone? Edited April 1, 2012 by Mister Spock
hellodearest Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 if you disappear again, she'll think you're hurting her again, which... doesn't really help the trust issue. I would be her friend but keep your distance a bit.
hellodearest Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 also, 1 hr conversations are too long if you're "just friends". if you're going to talk, try to do it in person. it's hard to feel chemistry over the phone.
EgoJoe Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 The next time she calls you, repeat this word for word and then say you have to go. Do not listen to anything she says at the time. Insist that you have to go. "Look, it's great that we had a chance to catch up and I have my own feelings of regret with regard to the things we have discussed over the past couple of days. However, my feelings for you are so special and so deep that it will never be possible for us to be friends. It is unfortunate that you feel so absolutely certain about things and I wish I could instill a sense of providence about to the wake up call that the end of us brought about but you seem to have made up your mind. The way I see it, I didn't do it because you left or to get you back. I made those changes for me because I was finally seeing clearly. So, I have to do what is right for me and that is to say goodbye. I have to go now, all the best."
Author Mister Spock Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 Hi EgoJoe, thanks for the advice, just a couple of questions if you don't mind. I like what you've written but if I were to say this to her (I'm undecided at the moment) do you think e-mail would be better than on the phone as she would then have it to read and to re-read and to let it all sink in properly. Secondly, she is quite stubborn and I feel that saying this stuff to her would just completely end any chance of changing her opinion of me. I worry that if I were to say/write what you suggest it would definitely end all communication between us. My feeling was that a slowly, slowly, softly, softly approach was best in order for her to slowly come round to trusting the new/real me. Do you feel that by saying this to her it might make her decide she does want to be with me? Because I worry it would push her away forever. I like what you say and I am very tempted to follow your advice but would appreciate it if you could take a little time to answer my questions. Many thanks
EgoJoe Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 That is the thing. This is designed to tell her three things, I have regrets, **** or get off the pot and I will not be your friend. Odds are now that you two have caught up and she is "glad that you two are friends." she has yet to consider that you are not okay with that because you are still in love etc. etc. By doing this you are doing yourself a favor of sparing yourself prolonged heartbreak and rejection. Mark my words, she will try to contact you again after and you stay firm. At first you say, "Look, I was serious. Stop calling." Then you ignore unless she says she wants to try. Now, I know your situation is a bit different but you have to sell the changed man. Make sure to iterate how "you didn't just do it because she left and how you were lost, torn, etc. but that you realized many things about yourself that you did not like and decided to stop making excuses for yourself." Then you tell her, "Much like you wish I had changed sooner. I wish you could see through that and realize that regardless of when I changed, I changed for the better." Do not email this, wait for her to call, keep your voice steady and convey sincerity. The latter bit of all of this is what you do for follow up. This is not game playing, think of it as strategic social manuevering because regardless of how nice, pure, good etc. she is, she does have the selfish intent of keeping YOU a guy who loves her as a friend to boost her ego. Also, as far as "ending all communication" goes, she has already shot down getting back together and you have already lost her once and you were just fine. Either she realizes she "can't lose you" and wants to try or she tries to continue to Friendzone you which you rebuke polite at first and then ignore or she goes away and you get back to healing and moving on.
leoc1973 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I have to say I disagree with Ego Joe. His advice would apply to someone that left you for another guy or GIGS or whatever other reason. But she left you because you were plain and simple a ****ty boyfriend. She did not want to leave you because she was madly in love with you. For her to put up with all the **** she put up with she loves/loved you dearly. If you do something like that she is going to associate the pain that you are going to cause her with the pain that you caused her before. Hence you have not changed one bit. you will always be there to hurt her. She is feeling you out and see if you are a changed guy or if you are full of ****. If she finds you attractive and really deeply loved you then she is looking for any reason she can to justify getting back with you to herself and her freinds. It isn't going to kill you to hang around with her a little longer and prove to her that you really are a great guy now. Maybe she is trying to see if youare done with the weed and other stuff. You were to blame for this relationship failing which you already know. so you have to prove to her you are a good man now. Do not hurt her in this delicate time by going NC or telling her anything to upset her. She will fall back in love with you if she isn't already. Hell take her to a theme park with a time machine ride or some other time machine related thing. She will think you are adorable! 1
EgoJoe Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 I have to say I disagree with Ego Joe. His advice would apply to someone that left you for another guy or GIGS or whatever other reason. But she left you because you were plain and simple a ****ty boyfriend. She did not want to leave you because she was madly in love with you. For her to put up with all the **** she put up with she loves/loved you dearly. If you do something like that she is going to associate the pain that you are going to cause her with the pain that you caused her before. Hence you have not changed one bit. you will always be there to hurt her. She is feeling you out and see if you are a changed guy or if you are full of ****. If she finds you attractive and really deeply loved you then she is looking for any reason she can to justify getting back with you to herself and her freinds. It isn't going to kill you to hang around with her a little longer and prove to her that you really are a great guy now. Maybe she is trying to see if youare done with the weed and other stuff. You were to blame for this relationship failing which you already know. so you have to prove to her you are a good man now. Do not hurt her in this delicate time by going NC or telling her anything to upset her. She will fall back in love with you if she isn't already. Hell take her to a theme park with a time machine ride or some other time machine related thing. She will think you are adorable! You don't have to prove **** to nobody. You're not telling her off. You're stating your boundaries like a man and being respectful. You caught up with her, you were nice etc. Now give her the gift of missing the new you AND focus on your healing.
leoc1973 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Usually I agree with you Egojoe so I am not saying it just to argue with you. I hate to say it but he really does have a LOT of proving. This girl put herself out there for this guy over and over and all she got was **** on. He needs to prove it. Quick story. Ex and I from long ago were together. I screwed up a lot. She told one of our mutual friends that if a man loves you he will move mountains. She was pretty much saying I needed to do something really big. Anyways I live near a mountain range. I climbed to the top of the highest one and found a beautiful stone from the peak. I bought a really nice expensive little box and gave it to her just saying. Give me a chance and I will try to move the rest. She immediately took me back and we were together for 5 years after that till I screwed everything up again. This chick is battling her heart and head and telling herself she loves him but she knows he probably will hurt her again. If he blows her off while her feelings are starting to develop it will be the end of it. He's not looking to save face or for his dignity he is trying to win her back.
safetyv Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 leoc that is awesome! damn i wish i had a mountain i could climb.
EgoJoe Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Usually I agree with you Egojoe so I am not saying it just to argue with you. I hate to say it but he really does have a LOT of proving. This girl put herself out there for this guy over and over and all she got was **** on. He needs to prove it. Quick story. Ex and I from long ago were together. I screwed up a lot. She told one of our mutual friends that if a man loves you he will move mountains. She was pretty much saying I needed to do something really big. Anyways I live near a mountain range. I climbed to the top of the highest one and found a beautiful stone from the peak. I bought a really nice expensive little box and gave it to her just saying. Give me a chance and I will try to move the rest. She immediately took me back and we were together for 5 years after that till I screwed everything up again. This chick is battling her heart and head and telling herself she loves him but she knows he probably will hurt her again. If he blows her off while her feelings are starting to develop it will be the end of it. He's not looking to save face or for his dignity he is trying to win her back. She has flat out dropped the friend-bomb and I think that he needs to consider his own feelings first. Simultaneously, this respectful disengaging will build attraction.
immitable Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 I agree with EgoJoe, you should really step up for yourself and draw some boundaries. You sounded like you accepted the whole blame for the breakup and I just want to remind you that when a relationship ends there are always two people to blame for, not just you in this case. If you say you just blatantly used her, was she not enabling this sort of behaviour?
immitable Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 Just wanted to add something, you said that she replied in one of her e-mails that she coudn't answer bc she was busy. My experience has taught me that when someone says 'I'm busy' (me included) it means 'I don't want to see/meet you at this point'. Don't worry though, she is going to be contacting you.
desertsessions Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 wow this thread related to me so much its crazy. i rarely read full threads from start to finish, but i read this one as i felt i could get some pointers. I became a depressed deadbeat, who lied and was mean to my ex occasionally. She never felt enough affection from me and practically begged for it. She was the most gorgeous girl ever, and i doubt i'll ever get enough girl as amazing as her...we broke up two years ago though...but strangely, i still love her. I'd do anything to fix all my errors. I'm actually thinking about sending an apology to her for breaking her trust soon. She's a smart girl though, and i doubt she'd ever want to talk to me again, let alone see me. I'm happy for you man, i'd be overjoyed to be in your situation. Just don't come on to strong, i have a feeling she's testing you...saying she'd never get with you again to see if you become a dick about it...smart girl if you ask me.
broken-and-lost Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 if you want this girl back m8 i would listen to leco. I did something similar with my ex minus the weed and she was the same she is seeing if she can push you and you snap and show her your old self just be her friend if you want her back if you get friend zoned properly and you'll know.....at that point, then say respectfully that you care too much about her to see her with a new guy and go NC. My ex still won't talk to me 1 1/2 years later and i hate that it kills me inside.... So if you can handle it stick with it m8 show her who you are now and not what she has built up in her mind the time for NC is over you've done that.
Author Mister Spock Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, thank you all for your kind words of advice and support. Nothing really major to report about my situation but I thought I would give an update. Since we met up over a week ago the texts between us have become constant... we text back and forth all day every day. She also rings me every other day now, sometimes every day, and always late in the evening for 2 hours or so at a time. She still maintains we are just friends but admitted that she talks to me more often than anyone else in her life right now and tells me things that she isn't telling even her closest friends or family. It feels like emotionally we have connected again but she's still not ready to give me a second chance with regards to 'getting back together'. The last few times we have spoken, towards the end of the calls she has started saying things on the lines of she wishes I was there so she can fall asleep in my arms or that she wishes we could spend a night being intimate. She will then quickly blame tiredness for these remarks and apologise for being inappropriate. She has started remembering the good memories and things about 'us' but still can't forget all my many bad points and it is this which will be the thing that decides whether we ever get back together properly. She obviously still cares about me and one time loved me very, very deeply, but I hurt her and she's finding it hard to believe she can totally trust me again. On one phone call she mentioned that I had never sent her flowers when we were together, so I called a florist and had a big bouquet delivered the very next day. She was so happy she cried. I also sent her an expensive personalised easter egg which she received today and she must have thanked me at least 10 times for it so far today. So I do feel that charming her and trying to sweep her off her feet with honesty and niceness is working to some sort of degree. I have written out an email on the lines of the one EgoJoe advised stating that I have deep feelings for her and can't be 'just friends' with her, but truth be told, I'm just loving being in constant contact with her so much that I just want to savour the moment for now, so I have yet to attempt EgoJoe's tactic. I feel we're slowly becoming closer and closer and I feel if I have any chance whatsoever to regain her trust I need to keep on doing what I'm doing and let her see for real that I've changed, that she can depend on me and trust me. It really might not work and I might end up getting hurt all over again, but it does feel like she's warming up to me more and more day by day. Trust is hard to rebuild when it's been destroyed and even though I never cheated on her or anything like that I did destroy a lot of trust through my lazy, depressed, weed-addicted inactions. When we spoke yesterday she even suggested asking her mum if I could stay at their place (in my exes bed with her) for a week or 2 (no longer than that) whilst looking for my own place in London (she lives there already and I'm having to move there for better career prospects), and I can only take that as big step forward, especially as she's made a few subtle sexual/emotional statements about how nice it would be for me to be in her bed with her again. Basically we've gone from a year of NC, I sent a letter that instigated daily emails, quickly moved to multiple daily emails and now slowly it has evolved to almost constant texting and phone calls, so it's all progress that suggests she cares and although a reconciliation may not happen, I'm a romantic at heart and feel that I'm doing the right thing in at least trying. Better to try and fail than to regret never trying at all! So nothing's set in stone and it's slow progress. Sometimes she gets close to me then backs of a little then comes closer again. We still haven't even arranged or discussed a 2nd face to face meeting yet. But I'm gonna keep on with what I'm doing and send the EgoJoe message if it looks like she's backing off completely or if it looks I am definitely stuck in the 'friend' zone. As ever, any advise is always gladly received although I doubt there's much anyone can say right now about this situation. This was more of an update than anything else. I will continue to post on this thread about this saga until either the day we marry or the day I completely give up all hope of ever winning her back. That way we'll have a nice complete story with either a happy or a sad (more realistic) ending! Edited April 7, 2012 by Mister Spock
EgoJoe Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Be careful man. I only suggested that method so she could feel the loss of the new you. You might be setting yourself up for major hurt. I'll offer this bit of advice. What if you're providing her all of the emotional support she'll need while she goes and chases *******s for excitement? Don't initiate and start withdrawing emotionally now. You can set it for reconciliation, that is ok but PLEASE plan for contingency.
Author Mister Spock Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Hi EgoJoe, thanks again for your constant help in this I have considered the fact that she is just using me as an ego boost and for emotional support, and even though that is not all I want, I feel that at least I'm doing something for her and she can see that I really am a different guy to the one she dumped. My plan A is to carry on as I am. My contingency plan is to follow your advice of saying we can't be friends etc. but I will only use that if it seems like I'm completely losing her again anyway. I don't want to play games with her, but to settle my own curiosity I did the following. She rang me monday night and then sent a text just as we were both off to sleep, so on tuesday it was my turn to text next. I deliberately didn't text her all day just to see what would happen. She rang me at 10PM a little upset asking why I hadn't contacted her and had she said something to upset me. I brushed it off saying I had been too busy all day and was just about to text her as she was ringing me. We ended up talking and joking and having a laugh for over 2 hours on the phone and it's been back to constant texts and calls since then. Doesn't prove anything but does make me think I've got a slim, slim chance! 1
EgoJoe Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Ok, but I would only initiate every third time she does. When she complains throw the "we're just friends" at her AND THEN BE QUIET as Homebrew says, the next person to talk "loses". You can always say friends isn't working out for you down the line.
Author Mister Spock Posted April 7, 2012 Author Posted April 7, 2012 Good advice as ever EgoJoe so thank you so much again I'm being realistic and I know there's a good chance we'll never reconcile properly and whilst I don't like the thought of that, I can deal with it nonetheless. Other girls/women will maybe like me if I put myself back on the market so I've got to keep remembering that. But if there's a slim chance of getting her back I have to try! I'll update again in a day or two after a few more rounds of contact between us. I want to suggest meeting up again, but I'll probably leave that for a while and see if she suggests it first. She may never suggest it and I'm scared of ruining everything by pushing too hard and scaring her off if I suggest it, so it's on my mind but also on the back burner for now!
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