Is my ex girlfriend becoming interested again?

[EgoJoe]

Something else to consider is to date other women "visibly" (if you're fb friends or w/e) and tell her about your dates and that you really like this girl and have high hopes etc.

[leoc1973]

Hey man you got her. Just keep being a good guy she is starting to talk about sex and being in your arms and asking her mom if you can stay there in her bed. Don't do anything that would cause her any pain and remind her of that old you and you got her. If she is looking for an ego boost and going this far with it then that is pretty rotten and she knows it. I believe you said she was a great person and wouldn't do anything like that so just keep being cool and fun especially fun and you got her.

 

I think at this point if she pulls back you are going to be crushed either way so you have nothing to lose. Don't think of all of this as some kind of penance to pay and don't torture yourself. Enjoy this and her conversation and company when you do get to meet her. This is the fun part! Its a new relationship remember that!

 

I think with women especially when they want something they will rationalize and justify it in their own minds any way they can and thats what she's doing now. She wants you and she is convincing herself to take you back.

[desertsessions]

hey spock, would you mind posting your email to her? or a long the lines of what you said. did you talk about yourself? I'm thinking of doing this now within the week so i'd like something to go by that worked considerably good for you.

 

Not saying it will go the same for me, but i've been kind of lost for what to write.

[Mister Spock]

leoc1973, I appreciate your positivity and wish I could be as optimistic, but we're definitely not close to reconciliation yet. If I'm honest she's said she only wants to be friends and nothing has changed in that regard. I'm just enjoying having her in my life in this way and ignoring the fact that I'm headed for a big fall again!

 

We just spoke for 3 hours on the phone, she said I'm her best friend in the world right now, how she's not looking for a relationship and doesn't ever see herself settling down but at the same time she again said stuff about hugging me and subtle comments about sex again. Very mixed signals. She was talking about how she misses just cuddling up on the sofa watching DVDs with me, so I swallowed my pride and said I could come round one time and we could watch DVDs again and I could sleep on the couch, to which she said it's too soon and it wouldn't feel right for us to do that just yet. So I feel like we're close but she has definitely shut off the prospect of letting herself get too physically/emotionally close to me again She likes the possibility, but when I suggested the reality of me coming to see her and having a good time face to face she backed right off, turned it down and got off the phone pretty quickly.

 

desertsessions, I actually wrote her a hand written letter as her mailing address was the only contact I had kept for her. I don't have a copy of exactly what I wrote but I'll happily paraphrase and try to remember what I put....

 

I started off by explaining that it may be strange for her to hear from me out of the blue like this, but that I had never gotten over her and not a single day has gone by that I have not regretted the way I treated her and hated myself for losing the best girl in the world, the only girl I have ever wanted to spend my life with.

 

I apologised for 'using' her, and explained that whilst being mired in unemployment, depression and weed addiction that it is not a reflection on her or how I felt about her, but a sad inditement of the way my life was headed. I apologised and apologised. Took responsibility 100% for the failure of the relationship, said I didn't blame her for ending things with me, but that my biggest regret ever was losing her and my only wish in life was for us to have been able to stay together forever.

 

I explained that I quit weed, been working solidly, overcome the depression, if not handling it infinitely better. I told her what I've been up to, how I'm exercising now and improving my life in so many different ways, but that I'm always sad that these changes have taken place without her in my life to enjoy it too.

 

I ended the letter by telling her that I do not expect a response as I assume she either doesn't care or think about me anymore or maybe is in a relationship with a great guy who treats her the way she deserves to be treated. I said I am writing the letter just to apologise, explain that the me she knew when we were together was not a good representation of the real me and that I will always consider her to be my perfect girl, the one that got away, the one I should have been with but will forever live with the regret that I blew it.

 

She e-mailed me 5 days after I posted the letter, her first e-mail expressed shock at hearing from me as she had spent the last year under the impression that I never actually cared about her, she was also still angry about how I treated her.

 

That first email from her was quite upsetting but I replied, made sure it was super friendly, interested in what she's been up to and still apologetic for the past and how the stupid depressed me treated her.

 

Her next email was also fairly frosty but the emails became daily, then a few times a day, then onto texts then calls. We currently text each other all the time and she rings me every 2 days without fail.

 

So I have reconnected with her and she obviously still likes me, but I hurt her and shook her trust hard and as close as we are becoming and as much as I can tell she wishes she could be with me, she is scared of being hurt again and I don't think I can ever convince her to trust me again 100%. So it's been nice and good on the one hand, but on the other hand I'm hopeful, still hopeful, but I don't think she'll ever let me into her heart again properly for us to have a relationship.

 

I'll keep trying, but it's hard right now. I thought the first meeting would open a floodgate of some sort, and it has, it has made us talk and text all the time, but with regards to meeting up again, she says she wants to and how nice it would be, but when I try to sort out an actual time we could do this she backs right off and makes me think there is no future. This is still very much a work in progress but I'll keep you all posted.

 

Ideas always greatly and happily accepted!

[jennisfora]

in my opinion, she sounds scared. she wants to, but is afraid that things will be different, or that she will get hurt, or that she will lose you as a friend if things don't work out and lose you completely. she also sounds like she may not want to give up any options or independence just yet, that's why she says she doesn't want a relationship. she likes her life how it is, but she does miss you, which is why what she is saying sounds confusing. again, just my opinion, of course.

[leoc1973]

I think your best bet would to just enjoy the ride. Enjoy her conversation and if she offers her company then enjoy that too. Don't obsess over it and don't play any kind of stupid headgames that the get your ex back books tell you to play. She seems like a great person and very genuine. Don't worry her feelings will creep up on her. no one talks to their friend for 3 hours every night.

 

Listen tho you have to keep bettering yourself. Do it for yourself anyways and maybe she will love it too. Just don't be generic about it. For example: don't say I was thinking of taking a class instead say I am going to take a business class or whatever else you find interesting or even better just enrol in something. Or instead of saying I was thinking of going to the gym instead say sorry I didn't get right back to you I was on a treadmill. Girls like guys with direction and drive. Do'ers instead of Say'ers.

 

I really feel that this girl wants you back and wants to be in your arms so bad its killing her she just needs to rationalize it in her head. There is no way a girl fantasizes about cuddling and watching movies with someone unless they are feeling something.

 

Do you think she just doesn't know how to tell her friends and family? Oh and that was great that you offered to sleep on the couch. It showed her that you would just love her company instead putting her in that awkward position of feeling like you were trying to sleep with her.

[EgoJoe]

leoc1973, I appreciate your positivity and wish I could be as optimistic, but we're definitely not close to reconciliation yet. If I'm honest she's said she only wants to be friends and nothing has changed in that regard. I'm just enjoying having her in my life in this way and ignoring the fact that I'm headed for a big fall again!

 

We just spoke for 3 hours on the phone, she said I'm her best friend in the world right now, how she's not looking for a relationship and doesn't ever see herself settling down but at the same time she again said stuff about hugging me and subtle comments about sex again. Very mixed signals. She was talking about how she misses just cuddling up on the sofa watching DVDs with me, so I swallowed my pride and said I could come round one time and we could watch DVDs again and I could sleep on the couch, to which she said it's too soon and it wouldn't feel right for us to do that just yet. So I feel like we're close but she has definitely shut off the prospect of letting herself get too physically/emotionally close to me again She likes the possibility, but when I suggested the reality of me coming to see her and having a good time face to face she backed right off, turned it down and got off the phone pretty quickly.

 

desertsessions, I actually wrote her a hand written letter as her mailing address was the only contact I had kept for her. I don't have a copy of exactly what I wrote but I'll happily paraphrase and try to remember what I put....

 

I started off by explaining that it may be strange for her to hear from me out of the blue like this, but that I had never gotten over her and not a single day has gone by that I have not regretted the way I treated her and hated myself for losing the best girl in the world, the only girl I have ever wanted to spend my life with.

 

I apologised for 'using' her, and explained that whilst being mired in unemployment, depression and weed addiction that it is not a reflection on her or how I felt about her, but a sad inditement of the way my life was headed. I apologised and apologised. Took responsibility 100% for the failure of the relationship, said I didn't blame her for ending things with me, but that my biggest regret ever was losing her and my only wish in life was for us to have been able to stay together forever.

 

I explained that I quit weed, been working solidly, overcome the depression, if not handling it infinitely better. I told her what I've been up to, how I'm exercising now and improving my life in so many different ways, but that I'm always sad that these changes have taken place without her in my life to enjoy it too.

 

I ended the letter by telling her that I do not expect a response as I assume she either doesn't care or think about me anymore or maybe is in a relationship with a great guy who treats her the way she deserves to be treated. I said I am writing the letter just to apologise, explain that the me she knew when we were together was not a good representation of the real me and that I will always consider her to be my perfect girl, the one that got away, the one I should have been with but will forever live with the regret that I blew it.

 

She e-mailed me 5 days after I posted the letter, her first e-mail expressed shock at hearing from me as she had spent the last year under the impression that I never actually cared about her, she was also still angry about how I treated her.

 

That first email from her was quite upsetting but I replied, made sure it was super friendly, interested in what she's been up to and still apologetic for the past and how the stupid depressed me treated her.

 

Her next email was also fairly frosty but the emails became daily, then a few times a day, then onto texts then calls. We currently text each other all the time and she rings me every 2 days without fail.

 

So I have reconnected with her and she obviously still likes me, but I hurt her and shook her trust hard and as close as we are becoming and as much as I can tell she wishes she could be with me, she is scared of being hurt again and I don't think I can ever convince her to trust me again 100%. So it's been nice and good on the one hand, but on the other hand I'm hopeful, still hopeful, but I don't think she'll ever let me into her heart again properly for us to have a relationship.

 

I'll keep trying, but it's hard right now. I thought the first meeting would open a floodgate of some sort, and it has, it has made us talk and text all the time, but with regards to meeting up again, she says she wants to and how nice it would be, but when I try to sort out an actual time we could do this she backs right off and makes me think there is no future. This is still very much a work in progress but I'll keep you all posted.

 

Ideas always greatly and happily accepted!

 

I don't see this ending well. Why get into a relationship with you when she has all of the perks of you without investing?

 

She says I want to meet up etc. but gets panicky and gets off of the phone when you suggest it. I'm not trying to be Mr. Negative but I want you to be rationale and not act on a feeling. Use your brain and follow your gut.

[Mister Spock]

Hi everyone,

 

It's been a month since I last posted and to be honest it's been a very blissful month for me.

 

The texts and phonecalls back and forth between me and my ex became more and more frequent until it got to the point where we were constantly texting and ringing each other.

 

We arranged for me to go visit her where she lives with her mum in London. At first it was just going to be for the day, then it turned into 2 days/1 night and then she said if you're coming down for 2 days/1 night I may as well stay for 3 days/2 nights. So I did, I stayed with her for 3 whole days and 2 nights and it was the best weekend me and her have ever had together, possibly the nicest weekend of my life.

 

We went shopping, clubbing, restaurant meals, drinks in fancy wine bars, walking round the city, holding hands, kissing and lots of amazing sex. It was the perfect weekend.

 

The contact after that went up a notch... she was constantly telling me how much she missed me and wanted to be in my arms again, how it was the best weekend of her life and if only our time together had been this good we would never have broken up.

 

So we arranged to do it again, last weekend I stayed for 2 nights again and it was just as perfect as the first weekend. Her mum even asked if I'd like to move in so that I could find a job in London (I live a long, long was from London so commuting there and back if I had a job there would be impossible)

 

I came home and all week we've been sending lovey texts to each other, it was my birthday on tuesday and she sent me a card, a present and rang me 4 times throughout the day (the last call of the day involved her telling me all the sexy things she wanted to do to me next time we met up). She even invited for me to come stay again for another full weekend in 2 weeks time. Everything has been going great and I really thought we were becoming close to becoming a couple again.

 

Until a few hours ago. It is 6AM where I am and I've not slept at all tonight because of a phonecall I got from her a few hours ago. She had been out with friends and was really drunk when she phoned. She said that she's been doing a lot of thinking and she can feel herself falling for me again, that she's starting to really love me and want to be with me again but that she just can't ever trust me properly and feels that one day I would hurt her again... and she's not willing to let herself be hurt again.

 

I tried to stand my ground and tell her how I feel, how I could never hurt her and that if I got her back there is no way I would do anything to ruin it again. She doesn't believe me. She thinks I'm using her to move to London (even though that was her mum's idea) and that once I was settled I would just leave her. She said she could never forget how lazy and how much of a 'user' I was when we first went out and even though she wants to believe I have changed and would love a future with me, she just doesn't believe I have changed and can never forget the past.

 

She said that it's best we never see each other again, never text each other again and never speak on the phone again. She was very upset whilst saying this and said sorry it's come to this, but after all the thinking she's done this is the only thing she feels we can do. She even apologised for doing this on the phone whilst drunk, but claimed that she needed to be drunk to have the nerve to say what she really means. She then said goodbye, wished it could be different and hung up.

 

I don't know what to do other than NC and once again start trying to forget her, but it's so frustrating. We are such a great couple, everyone thinks so, even she does, we have sexual chemistry and a best friend-like rapport that I or her don't even have with our closest friends. And it's not like I cheated on her or lied to her, my original crime was basically being depressed and smoking too much weed after being made redundant... and these things are definitely not an issue anymore, I have improved my life ten fold, but she just cannot forget/get over the past.

 

Seemed like I was so close to getting her back so that we could make each other happy, but that won't happen now she's decided to totally break all contact out the blue like this.

[Texsec]

Wow, I was cheering for you man.....EgoJoe called that one....Its hard to tell why she did what she did, she probably doesn't even know.....I will be waiting to see what the community says about this.......She could be done, she could have got spooked by your past or in some twisted way, she just wanted to see if she could reel you in then hurt you like she was hurt in her mind........Hang in there .....

[Mary-Jane]

Unless there is something else she's not telling you, what she feels does make sense, resentment (or fear) comes in waves...best thing to do is not to get too discouraged, you say you improved your life tenfold so stay on the course, she will see that for herself.

[flitzanu]

That sucks dude. You gave it an effort even though she was saying it wasn't gonna happen, but sounds like she said "no" yet again. Don't keep torturing yourself. My ex played the same cat n mouse with me for 3 months and it was horrible.

[Insanityshorse]

Damn, I'm currently going through a reconciliation process as well. We just saw each other the other day and the very first thing she said to me was "I miss you". I kept it short and told her I had to go, but at the end she said "I'm gonna call you in the next week or two to go swimming, I think it would be fun". That makes me think she really does want to get closer again because we always said exes who have feelings say things like "I miss you"........ anyway, didn't mean to hijack the thread but what I'm getting at is this thread makes me so nervous and cautious about reconciliation...................

 

My best friend has a saying that has served him really well when it comes to relationships and I'm starting to see the truth in it.

 

"Exes are exes for a reason"

 

hmm.... pretty damn true.

 

I feel for ya man, what a roller coaster.

[favoritepills]

Man, I'm really sorry that happened to you, Mister Spock.

 

When I started reading this thread I was skeptical, like, "Ehh, you really treated her like s*** and she deserves better," but the more I read, the more it really seemed like you'd changed for the better. I was really rooting for this to work out! I guess the turnaround came a little too late for her.

 

I can't say I blame her for being scared, though. You put her through a lot of pain and she's clearly still traumatized. Obviously, she'd hate if she had to go through it all again. For now, the best you can do is respect her wishes, and hope she changes her mind someday.

 

Have you thought about sending a goodbye email, to say all the things you feel need to be said before you stop contacting her? I normally wouldn't advise it, but your situation is very different from most that turn up on the forum -- I feel like if you go NC right away she might feel like you're abandoning her again. You could tell her that you understand her need to protect herself, and that you'll respect her wishes and leave you alone. Thank her for putting up with you when you were at your worst, and express regret that she couldn't be with you now that you're at your best, but let her know she was an important part of your personal growth and that you wish you could have cherished such a powerful love as hers while you still had it. I kind of think you should also say something like, "I'm glad you gave me a bit of a chance to make up for past mistakes. After everything you did for me, I owe you a huge bouquet of flowers every day for the rest of your life. And I'd be the happiest man on the planet if I had a chance to give you that, but I'm glad I at least got to send you one." Then be clear that you will continue to work hard on improving yourself, with or without her, and wish her the best and that you hope she finds a wonderful guy who treats her well.

 

And then you leave her alone and move on with your life.

 

I think your chances will improve if she's reminded that you have good intentions whether or not she takes you back. You did a good thing by giving her a glimpse of the new and improved you, and when you go into NC she'll have time to put things in perspective, and time to miss you.

 

But do try to move on. If this is meant to be, it'll happen. If not, at least you'll be more ready for the next relationship.

[jennisfora]

i agree with favorite pills. take ownership of how things stand, and that you tried, but bow out gracefully.

 

i did this, and i feel i am in a similar situation, ex is giving me the vibe he wants to meetup, but part of me thinks he will flake on it, and not sure if it is reconciliation or what, but he misses me, nc for a month. 2 to 3 months lc did nothing but keep me in the grieving messed up stage.

 

you can't change someone's mind, they have to decide it is worth the risk of getting burned again, and that takes time. she is telling you she is still interested, but not ready to go out on a limb yet. she is still afraid of getting burned. so, i highly recommend doing what favorite pills suggests. go nc for a while, give her time to ponder, she will think about the new you, and she will realize that if she wants to tryagain, she better try while she still can. fear is a powerful emotion. *hugs*

[jennisfora]

it is a risk assessment...she has to weigh the risk of getting hurt again, versus the risk of the potential happiness and good times she could have with you if she took the risk. she has to come to the decision on her own, you can't convince her, or force her.

 

what i meant about fear, isn't the fear of losing you, but the fear of getting hurt. the fear of losing you has to outweigh the fear of getting hurt. good has to outweigh the bad.

 

you have to be able to accept either situation and be fine and keep doing what you are doing. *hugs*

[trist]

you did what you could and no amount of sorries is going to make you feel better, but I do feel for you...

 

look at it this way, you did everything you could, you bettered yourself in more ways then one, and while she was the original catalyst to get that spark lit under your ass to turn your life around, at the end of the day you did it on your own...

 

I don't even know about the email idea to be honest... she already told you it's best not to contact each other, period... respect her wishes and close this chapter... keep moving forward with yourself, now the tables are turned... in the beginning you lost her with treating her like shiet (no offense) but in the end, you did everything right, well, you might've been a little too accommodating to be honest, but that's besides the point, so in the end she decided to walk away so let her deal with it, especially knowing how far along you've come... she'll have to live with the consequences now... and you can expect some messages for when she gets emotionally confused, just prepare yourself for that and don't over analyze it when it does...

[EgoJoe]

Ok, I want you to call her today and say, "You're right, if you can't see me earning your trust back despite me putting my heart out to be hung over the past month. I don't want to talk to you ever again, goodbye."

 

It is acceptable for this to be a voicemail but not a text. Keep your tone steady but firm. Do not respond to anything for a minimum of a month and then:

 

IF she does contact you after a month and only if she initiates. You need to powerplay, show that you're fine without her and not fall apart. She is wanting to see if you will and wanting to see how available you are because of you being up for the whirlwind romance. No matter how sweet nice etc. she is, she has an ego like everybody else and the ego is crafty and deceptive.

 

Please take my advice this time.

 

If you hear from her after this month passes too, be a bit of a dick to her and don't entertain every chance to meet up with her or talk.

[EgoJoe]

Also, Favorite, he didn't "treat her like ****" she stuck around thinking he would change without being objective.

 

He is not responsible for her decisions or feelings. I told you she was playing games. Whether she knows it or not. She knows she can have him and pow suddenly "confused and scared".

[favoritepills]

Also, Favorite, he didn't "treat her like ****" she stuck around thinking he would change without being objective.

That doesn't mean he didn't treat her like ****, that just means she stuck around too long. A friend of mine calls it "douchebaggery by inertia" -- he didn't actively try to hurt her, but to love someone so much and have that person not really care about you (or anything at all) hurts a ton. She took on a difficult job to support them, she paid for everything, and he just smoked weed and sat around being depressed. He even admits he didn't try all that hard to get a job. He hurt her, just in a passive way.

 

I disagree that she's playing games. I believe she was really falling for him, but remembered all the pain he put her through, and is understandably scared of risking that again.