Spouses or roommates???

[McSassy]

My husband and I have only been married 4 years (almost) and our sex life has already taken a nose dive. I am 40 and he is 41, I have always had a high sex drive, and he did too..... that is until about 2 months into our marriage. He uses the same old excuses night after night, I'm tired, my back hurts, I want to play poker, I'll be in later, they are pretty much endless... I love my husband very much but sex is a VERY important thing to me. To top it off we cannot seem to stop fighting about everything. I have the female equivalent of blue balls.. or would if it weren't for my box of vibrators, I have been relegated to masturbation on a regular basis. I don't feel attractive to him, I feel like he expects me to be more his roommate or his mother than his wife. I understand his job is draining, so is mine. He works about 40 -45 hours a week in a warehouse doing physical labor, I work 50 - 60 hours a week in a restaurant (sometimes more physical than administrative and vice versa), he thinks that the fact he works and he is tired from work should be a reason to opt out of sex. He is surly, angry, etc... his hours are 3p - 11p (sometimes 3 - 3a), then when he gets home, he cleans up, eats dinner (that I stay up late to cook) spends absolutely zero time with me, then plays poker until hours after i have fallen asleep. In the mornings, he does not get up and spend time with me, I have tried waking him up the 'nice' way, all I get is pushed away and told to leave him alone, he's sleeping. I am a very attractive woman, I do not look my age, I work out regularly and have a body like a brick **** house (yes, I know this sounds like bragging and I do apologize for that, I am just trying to let you know that it isn't because I have let myself go) I am at the end of my rope! I have no idea what to do!!! The two times (if I'm lucky) a month that we have sex, there is absolutely no intimacy, it's just a quick wham bam thank you ma'am.... I feel almost as though I'm paying a male whore to service me... if anyone has ANY suggestions I would truly truly truly appreciate it. I'm am at the point that the no sex, bundled together with the total lack of time spent with each other and the constant surliness I just want to leave. I would rather be alone than feel this lonely and unwanted.... *deep sigh* if ANYONE can help me in ANYWAY I would be eternally grateful! peace

[dreamingoftigers]

So, how often is he viewing porn?

[The Blue Knight]

My husband and I have only been married 4 years (almost) and our sex life has already taken a nose dive. I am 40 and he is 41, I have always had a high sex drive, and he did too..... that is until about 2 months into our marriage. He uses the same old excuses night after night, I'm tired, my back hurts, I want to play poker, I'll be in later, they are pretty much endless... I love my husband very much but sex is a VERY important thing to me. To top it off we cannot seem to stop fighting about everything. I have the female equivalent of blue balls.. or would if it weren't for my box of vibrators, I have been relegated to masturbation on a regular basis. I don't feel attractive to him, I feel like he expects me to be more his roommate or his mother than his wife. I understand his job is draining, so is mine. He works about 40 -45 hours a week in a warehouse doing physical labor, I work 50 - 60 hours a week in a restaurant (sometimes more physical than administrative and vice versa), he thinks that the fact he works and he is tired from work should be a reason to opt out of sex. He is surly, angry, etc... his hours are 3p - 11p (sometimes 3 - 3a), then when he gets home, he cleans up, eats dinner (that I stay up late to cook) spends absolutely zero time with me, then plays poker until hours after i have fallen asleep. In the mornings, he does not get up and spend time with me, I have tried waking him up the 'nice' way, all I get is pushed away and told to leave him alone, he's sleeping. I am a very attractive woman, I do not look my age, I work out regularly and have a body like a brick **** house (yes, I know this sounds like bragging and I do apologize for that, I am just trying to let you know that it isn't because I have let myself go) I am at the end of my rope! I have no idea what to do!!! The two times (if I'm lucky) a month that we have sex, there is absolutely no intimacy, it's just a quick wham bam thank you ma'am.... I feel almost as though I'm paying a male whore to service me... if anyone has ANY suggestions I would truly truly truly appreciate it. I'm am at the point that the no sex, bundled together with the total lack of time spent with each other and the constant surliness I just want to leave. I would rather be alone than feel this lonely and unwanted.... *deep sigh* if ANYONE can help me in ANYWAY I would be eternally grateful! peace

 

He'll appreciate you when you tell him you're leaving for a man who can provide you the proper attention.

 

My gosh . . . tell him to man up and quit whining. We all have long work days. You come home from a long day and put on your husband face, come in the door and embrace your wife and look into her eyes with passion and desire. That's when your day gets a lot better

 

I hate to break it to you McSassy, he's to the point where he's checked out and he's taking you for granted. There wouldn't be a day when my wife suggested "bedtime fun" that I'd opt out for a blasted poker game with the boys.

 

When you get married, all that other stuff takes a back seat. Your wife becomes #1 and pleasing her is the most important thing in your life. If this is just year four, you're in for a very rough time down the road. I'm on year 15 and I can't wait to see my wife at the end of the day. Not just for sex, but because I want to spend time with her.

 

I think your significant other should have opted for the bachelor lifestyle.

 

You didn't mention kids, I assume you don't have any as of yet?

[maybealone]

I have no advice for you since I am in almost the same position, but I wanted to tell you that I empathize. I'm a few years older than you but also did not let myself go. My husband never had as high a sex drive as me, but it at least used to be a few times a week. Not long after the marriage, that started to decline. Now sex is pretty much nonexistent. And like your husband, his back hurts or he's tired or there's something on TV that he doesn't want to miss.

 

We have been talking about our issues for almost a year now and nothing has changed. I am pretty much just getting ready to leave now. But then I read posts here about how too many women are looking for romance novel relationships, and how companionship is more important than sex, and I feel guilty. But sex is so important to me, without it I don't feel bonded in a relationship at all.

 

Hopefully you will get some good advice. But in the meantime, know there is someone here who totally understands what you are going through.

[The Blue Knight]

I have no advice for you since I am in almost the same position, but I wanted to tell you that I empathize. I'm a few years older than you but also did not let myself go. My husband never had as high a sex drive as me, but it at least used to be a few times a week. Not long after the marriage, that started to decline. Now sex is pretty much nonexistent. And like your husband, his back hurts or he's tired or there's something on TV that he doesn't want to miss.

 

We have been talking about our issues for almost a year now and nothing has changed. I am pretty much just getting ready to leave now. But then I read posts here about how too many women are looking for romance novel relationships, and how companionship is more important than sex, and I feel guilty. But sex is so important to me, without it I don't feel bonded in a relationship at all.

 

Hopefully you will get some good advice. But in the meantime, know there is someone here who totally understands what you are going through.

 

For the love of . . . where do you ladies find these men?

 

It appears to be a widespread phenomenon and I've seen dozens of similar postings on loveshack. One unhappy woman after the other complaining of these low libido husbands.

 

maybealone, I hit that same point last July with my wife and just told her that her libido needs and mine weren't ever going to match. I had discussed it off and on over 14 years together and I just finally concluded we were never going to have the same "needs." She has since adjusted her "desire" and has admitted that she wasn't putting as much work into as she should have. Things have been good since then. Of course I can't guarantee it's going to stay on track but up to this point it's been fairly regular and she seems happy.

 

I'm dumbfounded by these pathetic excuses for men. Geez . . . tell them to grow a set and get busy keeping their wives happy.

 

What's worse is how blasted insulting it is that he'd put a TV show ahead of satisfying his wife. What the . . . ????

 

And for what it's worth, I agree with you. Companionship is very important, but to my way of thinking (as a man) a large part of companionship is the sexual intimacy as that is a very important part of bonding with your loved one. As I told my wife back when this came to a head. I have lots of female friends. I don't need another female friend. I need that one important female in my life who is my lover and my sex partner.

 

No, it's not too much to ask so don't feel guilty.

[Stillgrowing]

have you checked into medical reasons? That's a pretty sharp decline for a man. Can you have him have his testosterone levels checked? Also, not to be crass, but I would check into his online porn activity. I know when my husband doesn't want to have sex it's only because he's already taken care of things on his own. It severely affects our sex life (we are both 43). Good luck. I don't consider myself to have a super high libido, and I probably need it checked, but I would be pissed if it fell below once a week.

 

sg

[boshemia]

It sounds like you have quite a few needs that are going unmet, sex may be the more obvious but you don't seem to feel connected to him on any level.

[maybealone]

No, it's not too much to ask so don't feel guilty.

 

Thank you for saying that.

 

have you checked into medical reasons? That's a pretty sharp decline for a man. Can you have him have his testosterone levels checked? Also, not to be crass, but I would check into his online porn activity.

 

I have asked my husband to see a doctor but he won't. Like the OP, the decline started shortly after marriage. People often talk about women who pretend to like sex until they have a ring on their finger, and I'm wondering if the OP and I got the male equivalents of that.

 

OP, does your husband watch porn? I like porn, but I can't get mine to watch it with me, let alone without me.

[The Blue Knight]

I have asked my husband to see a doctor but he won't. Like the OP, the decline started shortly after marriage. People often talk about women who pretend to like sex until they have a ring on their finger, and I'm wondering if the OP and I got the male equivalents of that.

 

OP, does your husband watch porn? I like porn, but I can't get mine to watch it with me, let alone without me.

 

You know, I hear "have them see a doctor" a lot on these forums and I'm not dismissing that there could be a medical reason for a low libido, but honestly, these are more about behavioral issues I believe. Porn is a possibility as someone pointed out because men who satisfy themselves there, don't feel the same need for flesh and blood and let's be honest, that's the hallmark of selfishness.

 

Oftentimes I think it's just that there are men who move on emotionally and mentally once the "conquest" is over. They've taken "ownership" of their property (marriage or engagement depending on the guy) so to speak and they don't feel the need to put much work into it thereafter.

 

It's a male mindset that I've seen several times before.

 

You didn't see this behavior when these husbands were pursuing you of course. In fact they probably couldn't get enough of you. But once the "mission is completed" they move on and the wife and sex begin to slide down the list of "things of importance." My gosh, I've known women whose husbands would rather play video games than have sex with them. That's how bad it's gotten in our "techno society."

 

God help us . . . and the ladies married to these poor excuses for husbands.

[maybealone]

You know, I hear "have them see a doctor" a lot on these forums and I'm not dismissing that there could be a medical reason for a low libido, but honestly, these are more about behavioral issues I believe.

 

I agree, because I think a man whose only issue was a low libido would want to go to the doctor to see if it could be fixed.

[The Blue Knight]

I agree, because I think a man whose only issue was a low libido would want to go to the doctor to see if it could be fixed.

Preciously . . . and these guys seem to have copious amounts of energy for the things that they want to do, but little reserves left for their wives come "alone time" or just hanging out time. It's sad. I have a few similar stories about some married husbands that I could share, but I'm sure it's familiar territory.

[happyme]

Hiya all,

 

From the moment I set eyes on him, I have been besotted with my husband in every way and that most definitely includes sexually! I am 47 and, like the OP I am also - though I say it myself for the sake of thread context - in excellent shape, considered attractive and often mistaken for being in my thirties. My situation is somewhat different to the OP's in that when we do have make love it is, quite simply, the best. Unfortunately it only happens once or twice a week My libido is considerably higher than his and it can get rather disconcerting. The tendency is to doubt his love/attraction for me more than anything else, yet we get on very well, the love is there, and as I say it would not be due to my physical appearance. That being said, it can still get me down. I receive more than a fair share of male attention (from strangers) and just wonder why the man I love so much just seems so half-hearted about it all. I have no doubt he loves me, but my sort of love very much includes the sensual/physical/sexual side as well as the spending time together doing fun things side. He just seems content to watch TV, internet etc... wow. I have so much energy and he so little, the inbalance can and does from time to time get me down.

 

So there you go OP, you are not alone it seems and from the sound of it neither am I. I guess the main question is: do you love him enough to continue like this or does something have to give? In my case it's always been the same, so it's not a question of porn or lack of love but it still sucks at times. Going elsewhere for what I want is not an option as it's him I have the love/desire for....

 

Ahhhh, life's never perfect is it? Good luck anyway and please keep us informed... let me know if you come across any magic spells...

[The Blue Knight]

Hiya all,

 

From the moment I set eyes on him, I have been besotted with my husband in every way and that most definitely includes sexually! I am 47 and, like the OP I am also - though I say it myself for the sake of thread context - in excellent shape, considered attractive and often mistaken for being in my thirties. My situation is somewhat different to the OP's in that when we do have make love it is, quite simply, the best. Unfortunately it only happens once or twice a week My libido is considerably higher than his and it can get rather disconcerting. The tendency is to doubt his love/attraction for me more than anything else, yet we get on very well, the love is there, and as I say it would not be due to my physical appearance. That being said, it can still get me down. I receive more than a fair share of male attention (from strangers) and just wonder why the man I love so much just seems so half-hearted about it all. I have no doubt he loves me, but my sort of love very much includes the sensual/physical/sexual side as well as the spending time together doing fun things side. He just seems content to watch TV, internet etc... wow. I have so much energy and he so little, the inbalance can and does from time to time get me down.

 

So there you go OP, you are not alone it seems and from the sound of it neither am I. I guess the main question is: do you love him enough to continue like this or does something have to give? In my case it's always been the same, so it's not a question of porn or lack of love but it still sucks at times. Going elsewhere for what I want is not an option as it's him I have the love/desire for....

 

Ahhhh, life's never perfect is it? Good luck anyway and please keep us informed... let me know if you come across any magic spells...

 

Oh boy . . . the TV / internet / high tech age strikes again.

 

First off, happyme your husband is a very blessed man to have a wife like you. It's obvious how much you feel for him and care for him.

 

What all of you ladies are talking about is the Psychology of Availability which is simply the understanding that those things in life that we pursue and desire are classified as commodities . . . those things that we long for and crave. But as with any commodity, once anything that was once a commodity is attained, the desire and craving depreciate over time steadily.

 

Humans are notorious in this area, and all of us do it to one degree or another. When something that we once desired becomes "too available" it is no longer craved in the same way that it once was. You classically here people on loveshack describe it as "being taken for granted" and for the most part, those who post such sentiments are indeed correct in their analysis.

 

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs also touches in this in a broader way. Once we have our "basic needs" met, we move on to things which are on higher on the needs scale. You ladies have met your husbands basic needs and he's off somewhere else emotionally with other interests and concerns.

 

The other common term you hear is "familiarity breeds contempt" meaning if you ladies are there and always available to your husbands, the luster is somewhat diminished because you are a commodity he has already attained. In his mind, he no longer has to work as hard for you to have you, because he's already got you.

 

With familiarity can come boredom and feelings of commonplace. Perfectly natural.

 

I can't obviously speak to each of your situations, I'm talking in general terms here, but let me give you an example using myself and my wife.

 

When I had the same feelings you ladies are posting regarding my wife and I. This past summer after 14 years together I finally told my wife something I had never told her. I was ready to move on. It wasn't something I prepared for or even thought about. I just figured I'd been down the road of telling her how I felt about the same subject so many times I'd lost count. We seemed to have unmatching libidos and I was the ongoing pursuer.

 

The gist of our problem was I felt like I was the one who was always initiating sexual contact or effort. She never said no and she participated and enjoyed the intimacy but she seemed to me to be able to go weeks without if I didn't initiate sexual contact. Other that that she was always warm, friendly, and a great person. But even men begin to wonder over time, "is she interested in me?" when you're not seeing any practical evidence of it.

 

Anyway I posted here about the issue and had some married females offer some good advice. But my surprise was this. I thought my wife might just feel the same way that I did . . . as in let's move on since we have differing sexual appetites. Instead, she talked to me and told me that she had felt horrible for taking me for granted over the years and that she never wanted me to feel the way that I did again. In essence she's never had great self-esteem and that was her problem, and that's why she never had the confidence to initiate. Instead, she recommitted herself to the marriage and to much more regular sexual contact in which she'd also initiate and make sure I felt desired.

 

Here's the thing. I felt like our marriage was just about coming to an end and based on my comments about splitting, she thought the same thing. Guess what happened? We became instant sought after commodities in each others eyes and after a few talks about recommitting ourselves to changes we both were willing to work on, we couldn't get enough bedroom time over the next month. It was nearly every night, afternoon, or morning with her often being the assertive one.

 

I'm sure you can see what I'm trying to outline here. You all say you're attractive and fit and have huge appetites in the libido area. Guess what? The psychology of availability says you're there and that's great, but you're not necessarily at the top of your husbands ladder of daily needs anymore. You're all absolutely right. There are dozens of men who would probably chop off their left arm to be with you.

 

Now, I'm not sure what the answer is ladies. Men and women both are guilty of taking each other for granted. Men, being conquerors by nature, become somewhat bored once the chase is over and the conquest is complete, and that's unfortunate, but it's also how men are constructed.

 

I believe most of it is the mindset that we wake up and go to bed with each day. My way of dealing with apathy or boredom in my marriage is to focus on my wife by thinking about her each day and deliberately craving and desiring her. Instead of thinking about what I already have in apathetic terms (yeah, she's available, so what?) I think about her in terms that build her up and make her special in how I view her. I think about how if I didn't have her in my life, how miserable I could be, or how lucky another man could be to have her. It's all part of the psychology of keeping her a commodity to be cherished and pursued at all times.

 

I can be sexually active quite often as my libido is always running on jet fuel, but even I occasionally feel a bit wiped out at the end of a day or my sexual tank is feeling a little bit empty from time to time. I never use that as an excuse however. I deal with that "feeling" by going through with intimacy with my wife anyway because I'm well aware, that once things go from first gear to third gear, I'm back feeling like my usual self anyway and the intimacy is great and very satisfactory.

 

Your husbands, in various ways just aren't viewing you as they should. If they viewed losing you to another man; having you walk out of their lives; or you weren't there for them (available 24/7) they'd see you completely differently. This is why my initial answer to McSassy was "He'll appreciate you when you tell him you're leaving for a man who can provide you the proper attention" because at that point, his nature will change and he'll become the crazy in love pursuer again.

 

Obviously you ladies don't want to cheat on your husbands and telling him that another man might be interested in you would most certainly peak his interest, but who wants to live playing ridiculous games like that in a marriage? I know I don't. It's about these men realizing that what they have in each of you is special and they'd better learn to appreciate it each and every day.

 

The Bible in the Book of Proverbs says "Husbands, remember the wife of your youth" which I believe is a command to husbands to remember that woman you met who was so special that she was all you could think about night and day when you were smitten with her. It's about keeping that frame of mind throughout your marriage. That's how a marriage stays on track and both sides are happy as a result.