woinlove Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 This actually makes your friend seem worse to me. Mainly because she continued with his flirting and text. IF she had TRULY felt badly about the harm she had caused her M and husband - she never would have continued after her H found out. It only ceased when HIS (OM's) wife found out. I think your friend didn't REALLY want the A to end. Flirty texts fed her ego! Yet she's portraying herself as a gal that ended contact. She didn't - HE did! Even being caught didn't end it from her end. She could have cut him off completely when she was caught - but she didn't! Mea - why are you defending her bad behavior? You keep calling her a"good person" - yet what she didn't is not good. Her behavior wasn't good. Since it wasn't - just call it what it is - its not good... And I hope you are honest with her enough to point out her inconsistencies because it seems she's not as innocent as she wants you to believe. After all - she was still drafting an email to him waaaay after the end of their contact. I had the same reaction. A man can send one flirtatious text you really don't want, but you can either block their number so you don't even know if they are sending more, you can delete them without reading, or you can respond in such a way that they are not going to get any pleasure out of sending you any more. Since she thinks he is an SOB that might have been a good time to be honest with him and stop his texts. Instead she had her own email drafted to him and her husband found out again. Why is she putting the blame on the OM for her own actions? 1
JustJoe Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I'm not enableling her in anway at all. I did not share what I shared here with her. And she is a good person and the old friend she hooked up with.. We are pretty sure now..( That we've heard from old HS friends) is a chronic cheater. I personally do not know the guy. It must have been a weak time in her marriage and and she fell for it. The old first roots I know for some can be very strong. I'm just thinking perhaps those strong ties and the issue in her marriage must have made it easier for her to make that choice. Was she right for what she did? NOT at all. But. I can see her point the guy sounds like a SOB. He had relations with her ten days before he walked down the isle with his new wife and a month after.. Sorry but.. Pig. Imo. Yes.. My friend was wrong for sure no doubt. Can't even imagine what the wife thought when she saw the email dated right around her wedding day. Man.. That's a hard blow. Mea:)Mea, I beg to differ. You have repeatedly made excuses for her, when her behavior is just as bad (if not worse) than this other guy. She knew he was getting married, and I assume that she is aware of her own husband, so how is she in any way any better than the guy? He , very well, might be as bad a person as you say, but your friend went along with him willingly, so what does that make her? So yes, you are enabling, even if you don't want to admit it. What difference does it make that this was an old flame from HS? Does that somehow make it less disgusting than if it was a stranger? Plus, your friend , even after being caught , did nothing to end contact, until forced to do so. If nobody had found out, she might still be in the affair. If your friend was as good a person as you claim for her, she would have had her ONS and realized how bad it was and confessed, and done the honest thing.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I had the same reaction. A man can send one flirtatious text you really don't want, but you can either block their number so you don't even know if they are sending more, you can delete them without reading, or you can respond in such a way that they are not going to get any pleasure out of sending you any more. Since she thinks he is an SOB that might have been a good time to be honest with him and stop his texts. Instead she had her own email drafted to him and her husband found out again. Why is she putting the blame on the OM for her own actions? I do not believe she is placing the blame on the OM. She just made that remark. And she is right. He is an SOB.. and she is WRONG for what she did. Can I make my point anymore clear here! I don't agree with her actions at all!! Mea:)
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Mea, I beg to differ. You have repeatedly made excuses for her, when her behavior is just as bad (if not worse) than this other guy. She knew he was getting married, and I assume that she is aware of her own husband, so how is she in any way any better than the guy? He , very well, might be as bad a person as you say, but your friend went along with him willingly, so what does that make her? So yes, you are enabling, even if you don't want to admit it. What difference does it make that this was an old flame from HS? Does that somehow make it less disgusting than if it was a stranger? Plus, your friend , even after being caught , did nothing to end contact, until forced to do so. If nobody had found out, she might still be in the affair. If your friend was as good a person as you claim for her, she would have had her ONS and realized how bad it was and confessed, and done the honest thing. Agree.. and she did confess. And she Should have ended contact after the first time. Not making excuses.. and not telling her what to do. Not really telling her anything. Mea:)
JustJoe Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Mea, a couple of things. She made her confession AFTER being outed, right or wrong? I'm asking, not to be a dick, but to understand the situation better. AND, you have mentioned several times that this guy was an old HS flame , of sorts. For my own curiosity, why do you think this is better, or somehow more understandable? I'm being curious, not trying to diss anybody.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Mea, a couple of things. She made her confession AFTER being outed, right or wrong? I'm asking, not to be a dick, but to understand the situation better. AND, you have mentioned several times that this guy was an old HS flame , of sorts. For my own curiosity, why do you think this is better, or somehow more understandable? I'm being curious, not trying to diss anybody. YES.. she did. Why? Oh gosh.. you know I'm just going to say that it went way back to like the age of 14 I believe. From what I understand.. the two were torn apart by a move and she was torn in half. Always kept the guy in her heart. In a way I can understand that, he was her very best friend. Case in point.. she should NOT have agreed to meet him. She did hesitate.. hesitate but then took the chance. WRONG choice. :(I really don't know what else to say her Joe. I just know that there is no contact and she is VERY happy about that. Mea:)
JustJoe Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 YES.. she did. Why? Oh gosh.. you know I'm just going to say that it went way back to like the age of 14 I believe. From what I understand.. the two were torn apart by a move and she was torn in half. Always kept the guy in her heart. In a way I can understand that, he was her very best friend. Case in point.. she should NOT have agreed to meet him. She did hesitate.. hesitate but then took the chance. WRONG choice. :(I really don't know what else to say her Joe. I just know that there is no contact and she is VERY happy about that. Mea:)Thanks, Mea. I have to say that a confession, after the fact, lacks sincerity and honor. I would also think that since she knew him before, she , if she has any insight , must have known something about him and his character. So my point would be that it would be easier to believe somebody you haven't had a long history with, than it would , somebody you were intimately acquainted with. The Devil you know vs the devil you don't , thing. This type of thing actually happened to me a few years ago, BEFORE I met my wife. I dated this girl in HS, but broke up with her because she was pompous and self-absorbed, but she always had the hots for my bod. I met her again, and she swore she was a changed woman, and proceeded to offer me some booty, but after a few minutes conversation, my spidey sense began to tell me that she hadn't changed at all but was still the narcissistic weasel she always was. If your friend's OM was a known quantity, then there must be something wrong with her marriage to allow her to do this. If I were you, I would be very careful about being friends with such a person. You may think she is a good person, but she comes off as selfish, weak, dishonorable and deceptive. Protect yourself, and her husband needs the same advice.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks, Mea. I have to say that a confession, after the fact, lacks sincerity and honor. I would also think that since she knew him before, she , if she has any insight , must have known something about him and his character. So my point would be that it would be easier to believe somebody you haven't had a long history with, than it would , somebody you were intimately acquainted with. The Devil you know vs the devil you don't , thing. This type of thing actually happened to me a few years ago, BEFORE I met my wife. I dated this girl in HS, but broke up with her because she was pompous and self-absorbed, but she always had the hots for my bod. I met her again, and she swore she was a changed woman, and proceeded to offer me some booty, but after a few minutes conversation, my spidey sense began to tell me that she hadn't changed at all but was still the narcissistic weasel she always was. If your friend's OM was a known quantity, then there must be something wrong with her marriage to allow her to do this. If I were you, I would be very careful about being friends with such a person. You may think she is a good person, but she comes off as selfish, weak, dishonorable and deceptive. Protect yourself, and her husband needs the same advice. Ill say this. Her husband needs to get himself some help. The man has a major bad attitude. Add that to this old flame..or lets just say best friend from long ago and BAMM.. that can spell trouble. I'm just going to stay out of it. People have problems in marriages. Gosh... the divorce rate is over 60% now. So.. no my friend is NOT a bad person and she is not going to change me in anway.. she will always be my friend. But. I will leave her to deal with this mess. I really dont have the time anyway. Mea:)
JustJoe Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 That's a good idea. I would , if you are going to stay friends with her, try to be as good a friend to her husband as you are to her, and STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER!! She will make enough for herself.
2sunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I'm not trying to diss anyone either. Just trting to understand the timeline too. So she's happy now - that's good! But if that NC makes her happy why did she continue texting and or email correspondence AFTER her H knew - and in doing that - knowing that she was still harming her husband and the marriage. I understand her assigned meaning with her OM is about young and innocent love... But that kind of love isn't realistic love as an adult. Do you think she has let go of THAT idea that love is that way as an adult?
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 That's a good idea. I would , if you are going to stay friends with her, try to be as good a friend to her husband as you are to her, and STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER!! She will make enough for herself. NOT making excuses!
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I'm not trying to diss anyone either. Just trting to understand the timeline too. So she's happy now - that's good! But if that NC makes her happy why did she continue texting and or email correspondence AFTER her H knew - and in doing that - knowing that she was still harming her husband and the marriage. I understand her assigned meaning with her OM is about young and innocent love... But that kind of love isn't realistic love as an adult. Do you think she has let go of THAT idea that love is that way as an adult? Yes. She has let that go. And happy to have no contact. Not an excuse here.. but I know a little about the power of first love. There is almost a Neuro bond that takes place. Like a baby's attachment to its mother.. google it! You should know me by now. I research everything. I'm like google with FEET! Again.. and I stress, not right what she did.. or him for that matter. Both couples here appear to have work to do. IMO.. a man that's about to get married and cheats with an old best/ first love friend.. has some issues himself. They are both equally as bad then. Mea:)
JustJoe Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 NOT making excuses!Mea, do you understand about passive-aggressive behavior? You have repeatedly made excuses for her. First you say , there is no excuse for what she did, -BUT- the OM is a weasel and her husband has problems and it was her first love, which is special and besides she's really a good person and besides it won't happen again, and besides I know she feels terrible, and besides it's all the fault of those nasty MENS! ( I added this part) Your friend, of course, until she was led astray by evil people from her marriage to a ****ty husband, was a saint.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Mea, do you understand about passive-aggressive behavior? You have repeatedly made excuses for her. First you say , there is no excuse for what she did, -BUT- the OM is a weasel and her husband has problems and it was her first love, which is special and besides she's really a good person and besides it won't happen again, and besides I know she feels terrible, and besides it's all the fault of those nasty MENS! ( I added this part) Your friend, of course, until she was led astray by evil people from her marriage to a ****ty husband, was a saint. Earth to Joe! I never said there is NO excuse for what she did.. and I did say the OM is a weasel and for what she did she is a weasel to a degree to. But.. the core of my friend is good. I've never known her to do anything like this in her 20 plus years of marriage. I don't know that it wont happen again.. but I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt.. because that is the kind of person I am. Besides.. she stood by me with the H*ll I went through.. that meant a ton! Mea:)
2sunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Earth to Joe! I never said there is NO excuse for what she did.. and I did say the OM is a weasel and for what she did she is a weasel to a degree to. But.. the core of my friend is good. I've never known her to do anything like this in her 20 plus years of marriage. I don't know that it wont happen again.. but I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt.. because that is the kind of person I am. Besides.. she stood by me with the H*ll I went through.. that meant a ton! Mea:) Could it be that she "understood" because she was guilty of being a cheater at the time too? Maybe that's why she understood it? And at THAT time she wasn't willing to be honest with you - because she was hiding her own secrets? Was she only honest when she got caught?
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Could it be that she "understood" because she was guilty of being a cheater at the time too? Maybe that's why she understood it? And at THAT time she wasn't willing to be honest with you - because she was hiding her own secrets? Was she only honest when she got caught? Very possible. Mea:)
JustJoe Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Earth to Joe! I never said there is NO excuse for what she did.. and I did say the OM is a weasel and for what she did she is a weasel to a degree to. But.. the core of my friend is good. I've never known her to do anything like this in her 20 plus years of marriage. I don't know that it wont happen again.. but I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt.. because that is the kind of person I am. Besides.. she stood by me with the H*ll I went through.. that meant a ton! Mea:)Earth to Joe? That sounds kind of insulting. Considering your story and how your "friend" has acted, I wouldn't be so crass to people trying to help you. I guess My presence here has no value to you so I'll leave this thread. I used to think you were more open-minded and polite.
woinlove Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I have to say that JustJoe has been giving you good feedback. You don't seem to see what is plainly visible to others. Perhaps the idea of risking your friendship is too scary to you or maybe you are influenced by unresolved feelings from your own EA. I don't know what it is, but for some reason I don't think you can be the type of friend that your friend would most benefit from - that is someone who would give it straight and help her to accept full responsibility rather than hiding behind excuses that don't even make sense. What - mOM kept flirting with her and she didn't know what to do even though she loved her H and didn't want any contact with mOM, but he just kept flirting? Does that really make any sense to you? What was her secret email draft about? What it a FU and die type email?
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I have to say that JustJoe has been giving you good feedback. You don't seem to see what is plainly visible to others. Perhaps the idea of risking your friendship is too scary to you or maybe you are influenced by unresolved feelings from your own EA. I don't know what it is, but for some reason I don't think you can be the type of friend that your friend would most benefit from - that is someone who would give it straight and help her to accept full responsibility rather than hiding behind excuses that don't even make sense. What - mOM kept flirting with her and she didn't know what to do even though she loved her H and didn't want any contact with mOM, but he just kept flirting? Does that really make any sense to you? What was her secret email draft about? What it a FU and die type email? I don't. The only thing I have told her was I feel bad she made the wrong choice to cheat and that she needs to stay away from this OM and do her best to make sure she is truthful and works on her marriage.. that is it!!! I have not encouraged her in an way at all. Don't throw that EA in my face Sir. Where you around here back then? You have NO idea what that was like and how I learned from it. You also have NO idea about me! I have looked at this from many angles.. without sharing my thoughts with her. I'm sharing them here. I actaully do not wish to be involved. But.. I'm not going to not be her friend because she made a bad choice. Heck.. if all my friends turned their back one me.. it would have been even more of a nightmare. They did not because they cared and are real friends. Mea:)
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I'm actually sad that I even shared this here now. Amazing how people really attack a person who cheated. My lord.. its a little over the edge IMO. Mea:rolleyes:
2sunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 It wasn't my intention to attack - was just trying to gather more info about the way she was participating and trying to determine how honest she may have been with you...about what may or may not have happened.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 It wasn't my intention to attack - was just trying to gather more info about the way she was participating and trying to determine how honest she may have been with you...about what may or may not have happened. Very honest Sunny.. Very. Not with her H until first confession. Then she blew it. Sad Igot involved. Think I'll just take a step back. Was not planning on giving her much more advice anyway. I mentioned above what I told her and that is how I feel. This is now making me angry.. that I even came back here.
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