Stellar Wench Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Rugsweeping leaves dirt in unintended places. 3
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 The H needs to learn how to check sent\received text #s on the web or via phone bills... I asked my W what a series of texts were when she had contacted the OM. She was like..."You bugged my phone!" No....don't need to touch your dern phone. She had p-word protected it, I didn't even know at the time. Didn't matter.
2sunny Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 What I don't understand is - IF/ since she hasn't had contact with her OM for a long period of time - YET she was writing about him on her computer - means she isn't DOING what's necessary to HEAL the marriage. If she's still focused on her OM - there's NO WAY she could possibly be putting 100% into her husband and the marriage. So - somewhere in there she is lying! A woman who has COMPLETELY given herself back into the marriage doesn't sit writing about her OM. Something doesn't add up. 1
2sunny Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 She also kept in contact over the year. Doesn't look like they have done the repair work that needs to be done to address WHY SHE cheated. She may be only sorry she got caught - not that she cheated. It does look like sweeping it under the rug... Which is never good... That actually isn't one bit healthy for a marriage - especially one in crisis. Did she say WHY she cheated? Does she know? If she doesn't - then she will do it again... Most likely.
stopdropandroll Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Tell your friend to go honk on bobo. She obviously didn't deal with the affair and her husband isn't satisfied it's dealt with either.
Trimmer Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 (edited) It doesn't matter if it was sent or not. She may been have crafting and re-crafting the email until it was "just right." I guess it depends on what it said - that's the only way to determine if the email was just a letter meant to be burned type of thing or whether she was looking to re-engage. That was my thought, too. Do you think she was being honest - really honest - with you (and more to the point, with herself) that she wasn't intending to send it? It's easy when you get caught before you've hit "Send", to say, oh yeah, but I wasn't going to send it. It's even easy to convince yourself of that... Her H wants nothing more to put this all behind them and move forward. Apparently, they have a very strong marriage and they do not wish to end it. Man, this is triggering my memories of my own marriage. After my wife's first affair, we just wanted things to get back to the way they were, feeling like we were strong again. I wanted nothing more than to put it all behind us and move forward. It took another 10 years - and after we had 2 kids - but it eventually came apart on us, and I ended up deeply regretting that we had only moved forward, and hadn't dealt with the underlying issues, but we had just been pretending that those issues weren't there, under the guise of "moving forward" and "putting it behind us." I don't want to predict doom, and I wouldn't wish misfortune on your friend and her marriage - I'm just one guy with my own experience, and I don't generalize my life to everyone else's. It just sounds eerily familiar to me. Rugsweeping leaves dirt in unintended places. Indeed..... Yes indeed. Edited March 22, 2012 by Trimmer
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 Tell your friend to go honk on bobo. She obviously didn't deal with the affair and her husband isn't satisfied it's dealt with either. From what I gather, good open communication has taken place and the road to healing as begun. I believe my friend made a huge mistake and I know for sure she regrets it. And this was not just a guy she had meet because she was lonely or looking for attention. It was a man who showed up in her life a good 20 years later. She had known him since age 14. Not agreeing with her behavior, but stuff happens and couples sometimes need to deal with it. I was there.. I know. Except my marriage was very abusive. Did that give me the right to have an emotional affair.. No. But it did give me the right to divorce his sorry butt after endless years of abuse. Mea
2sunny Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 Mea - why did this suddenly turn into you - your M?
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 Mea - why did this suddenly turn into you - your M? Just explaining that I was once there. Well not in a physical affair but that god awful emotional one. Sunny.. One thing I did find odd was my friend mentioned that they got on the subject of divorce her and the OM. She told me he said to her he did not want a divorce because it would ruin his company. I was like wow. How selfish. Kept that to myself..but sounds the guy is more worried about being taken to the cleaners here. When he should be worried about repairing things with his wife. I'm almost thinking serial cheater. Sounds like the dude has a huge ego and is mighty selfish. Just my take.
2sunny Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 So did your friend actually consider divorcing for this guy?
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 So did your friend actually consider divorcing for this guy? I don't believe that was the case at all. I think the talk about divorce came up when the affair was out in the open on both ends. More like.. How is your spouse dealing with the news? Is she leaving you? That sorta thing. My friend would be a complete fool if she did that. She has a great life and being the kinda old soul that I am.. This OM no doubt is trouble in my mind. The dude lured her to meet with him. Yes.. She excepted.. But was very hesitant.. Very. I know she is very upset with herself for making a mistake. I've been trying to help her with that. And being that I was once in an affair of my own.. The EA.. I can understand that feeling. Actually.. The whole thing brings back ugly memories for me. Mea:)
2sunny Posted March 24, 2012 Posted March 24, 2012 How can she know - and her H be reassured SHE won't be"lured" again... Even by someone else (new)? Has SHE learned what was missing in her M that made her susceptible to being lured? She needs to stop being "so private" that it helps her justify cheating.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Posted March 24, 2012 How can she know - and her H be reassured SHE won't be"lured" again... Even by someone else (new)? Has SHE learned what was missing in her M that made her susceptible to being lured? She needs to stop being "so private" that it helps her justify cheating. Sunny, When I said private.. I meant from posting about stuff of this nature online. I don't know for sure if she has learned, but is seems like she has after speaking with her the last time about things. Mea:)
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Ok now get this people. It appears that when my friend first got caught over the email.. The other guy continued to flirt and text even though her H found out. Aha.! Cause he was safe. Now.. Since his wife knows.. He won't flirt or have contact with her.. Which is all good. But is sure is a sign of one selfish SOB. Man.. I'll tell ya. Glad my friend is out of that! Mea
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Need to add and stress that my friend wants zero contact. So this is good.
Owl Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Ok now get this people. It appears that when my friend first got caught over the email.. The other guy continued to flirt and text even though her H found out. Aha.! Cause he was safe. Now.. Since his wife knows.. He won't flirt or have contact with her.. Which is all good. But is sure is a sign of one selfish SOB. Man.. I'll tell ya. Glad my friend is out of that! Mea Which is exactly why the other spouse should be informed as a matter of course in this kind of situation. 1
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Which is exactly why the other spouse should be informed as a matter of course in this kind of situation. Hi Owl.. I very much agree. My hats off to the H for doing what he did. Mea
JustJoe Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Mea, I understand that she is your friend, but you shouldn't be making excuses for her, that's called enabling, and does niether her, nor her marriage, any good. It's like making excuses for an alcoholic. BTW, it does not matter if her AP is somebody she grew up with or a stranger. Why would you think that this is , in any way, more acceptable? Her husband and you are making it too easy on her, so now she understands that the consequences aren't as bad as she imagined. BTW, you also know that this was not a "mistake", but a deliberate choice, don't you? You give her too much credit, after all , she was caught, she didn't confess until after that.
JustJoe Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 BTW, if she lied and cheated on her husband, why do you think she wouldn't do the same thing to you? If I were you I would begin to distance myself from her.
woinlove Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I agree with JustJoe that you appear to be an enabler and not helping your friend take responsibility for her own actions and decisions. I think self-esteem is tied to taking responsibility for one's decisions, so, in the long run, you aren't doing your friend any favors. For example, you write: Ok now get this people. It appears that when my friend first got caught over the email.. The other guy continued to flirt and text even though her H found out. Aha.! Cause he was safe. Now.. Since his wife knows.. He won't flirt or have contact with her.. Which is all good. But is sure is a sign of one selfish SOB. Man.. I'll tell ya. Glad my friend is out of that! Mea What exactly is the difference between this man you call one selfish SOB that your friend is lucky to be rid of and your friend? Wasn't your friend happy to sneak around and get her ego stroked as long as her H was in the dark? Their actions suggest your friend and her AP have a fair amount in common, in how they treat others and how selfish they are, don't they? As long as your friend thinks things will be back to "normal" soon and she doesn't have to figure out why she is just like that selfish SOB you think she should avoid, chances are she will be at it again some years down the road.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I'm not enableling her in anway at all. I did not share what I shared here with her. And she is a good person and the old friend she hooked up with.. We are pretty sure now..( That we've heard from old HS friends) is a chronic cheater. I personally do not know the guy. It must have been a weak time in her marriage and and she fell for it. The old first roots I know for some can be very strong. I'm just thinking perhaps those strong ties and the issue in her marriage must have made it easier for her to make that choice. Was she right for what she did? NOT at all. But. I can see her point the guy sounds like a SOB. He had relations with her ten days before he walked down the isle with his new wife and a month after.. Sorry but.. Pig. Imo. Yes.. My friend was wrong for sure no doubt. Can't even imagine what the wife thought when she saw the email dated right around her wedding day. Man.. That's a hard blow. Mea:)
Stellar Wench Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 A good person doesn't behave the way your friend behaved. "We are known by our friends and enemies."
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 A good person doesn't behave the way your friend behaved. "We are known by our friends and enemies." Now wait a minute, I disagree. I had an EA myself and I am not a bad person. I'm not going to sit here and give cheating people a pat on the back.. but I think every situation is a bit diff and everyone has their own story. Mea:) 1
woinlove Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I'm not enableling her in anway at all. I did not share what I shared here with her. And she is a good person and the old friend she hooked up with.. We are pretty sure now..( That we've heard from old HS friends) is a chronic cheater. I personally do not know the guy. It must have been a weak time in her marriage and and she fell for it. The old first roots I know for some can be very strong. I'm just thinking perhaps those strong ties and the issue in her marriage must have made it easier for her to make that choice. Was she right for what she did? NOT at all. But. I can see her point the guy sounds like a SOB. He had relations with her ten days before he walked down the isle with his new wife and a month after.. Sorry but.. Pig. Imo. Yes.. My friend was wrong for sure no doubt. Can't even imagine what the wife thought when she saw the email dated right around her wedding day. Man.. That's a hard blow. Mea:) My understanding that it is s a "hard blow" to be cheated on by a spouse you love. Cheating around the time of your wedding is awful and cheating with a man about to be married/just married when you yourself are married is also awful, isn't it? Maybe your friend isn't cut out for marriage if she thinks she cheated because her marriage went through a weak point. We can't control everything in life. Sometimes we or people we love get really sick, lose their jobs, grieve the death of a love one,... Love along with loyalty, honesty and respect and the ability to communicate and to demonstrate love are what keep a marriage strong through such tragedies and stressors of life. Anyway, I won't harp on this. I've made my point that I don't think your friend can develop very good self-esteem if she continues to hide behind excuses and can't see what she has in common with who she calls an SOB, pig or whatever. Many (maybe even most) people who cheat don't take full responsibility for their own actions, so this is not unusual.
2sunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Need to add and stress that my friend wants zero contact. So this is good. Ok now get this people. It appears that when my friend first got caught over the email.. The other guy continued to flirt and text even though her H found out. Aha.! Cause he was safe. Now.. Since his wife knows.. He won't flirt or have contact with her.. Which is all good. But is sure is a sign of one selfish SOB. Man.. I'll tell ya. Glad my friend is out of that! Mea This actually makes your friend seem worse to me. Mainly because she continued with his flirting and text. IF she had TRULY felt badly about the harm she had caused her M and husband - she never would have continued after her H found out. It only ceased when HIS (OM's) wife found out. I think your friend didn't REALLY want the A to end. Flirty texts fed her ego! Yet she's portraying herself as a gal that ended contact. She didn't - HE did! Even being caught didn't end it from her end. She could have cut him off completely when she was caught - but she didn't! Mea - why are you defending her bad behavior? You keep calling her a"good person" - yet what she didn't is not good. Her behavior wasn't good. Since it wasn't - just call it what it is - its not good... And I hope you are honest with her enough to point out her inconsistencies because it seems she's not as innocent as she wants you to believe. After all - she was still drafting an email to him waaaay after the end of their contact.
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