Friend caught.

March 10, 2012

So.. A friend of mine is in a world of dog doo. She apparently hooked up with an old flame a while back and her H caught her about a year later through emails written about the affair. To current, She was caught once again by drafting an email to the guy not hitting send but The H saw it by mistake and then looked up the man she had affair withs wife name and e-mailed her the old email to her work. The wife got it and she is not happy. Ummm., what do I tell my friend to do now? My friend did confess to the whole short affair a year ago. Not sure if the two were in contact over that year or not.

Mea

March 10, 2012

Do you know if the friend and her husband attended counseling after d-day?

March 10, 2012

Hey,

They stayed together and they worked it out already.

Just because he found an unsent mail in the draft is not big deal.

March 10, 2012

So.. A friend of mine is in a world of dog doo. She apparently hooked up with an old flame a while back and her H caught her about a year later through emails written about the affair. To current, She was caught once again by drafting an email to the guy not hitting send but The H saw it by mistake and then looked up the man she had affair withs wife name and e-mailed her the old email to her work. The wife got it and she is not happy. Ummm., what do I tell my friend to do now? My friend did confess to the whole short affair a year ago. Not sure if the two were in contact over that year or not.

Mea

Let me get this straight--was she remaining in contact with her AP AFTER D-day?

If that's the case, her H has every right to upset/worried/furious---

Staying in touch with an AP, and hiding it from the BS compounds the injury & insult to the BS immensely.

Your friend may have done irreparable damage, if that's the case.

If she betrayed her H's trust, asked him to forgive her, yet was STILL doing stuff behind his back..........well, there's going to be natural consequences for the choices she made.

March 10, 2012

Just because he found an unsent mail in the draft is not big deal.

oh, but if they used trust as a basis to heal their relationship, it *is* a big deal. Even if she was just messing around in her head and living in the past, an unsent email is gonna breach that trust because she went as far as writing and keeping the draft. If she wanted to get it out of her system, she should have gone one step further and deleted the damn thing to prove to herself that she *didn't* need to act on those feelings by sending it.

not sure how to advise your friend, but to make sure she gets real good at communicating with her SO, because this could be the beginning of the end of their relationship

March 10, 2012

MP - are you still friends with the cheater?

Am I correct in assuming the draft he found was recently written? If so, what was in the email?

March 10, 2012

So.. A friend of mine is in a world of dog doo. She apparently hooked up with an old flame a while back and her H caught her about a year later through emails written about the affair. To current, She was caught once again by drafting an email to the guy not hitting send but The H saw it by mistake and then looked up the man she had affair withs wife name and e-mailed her the old email to her work. The wife got it and she is not happy. Ummm., what do I tell my friend to do now? My friend did confess to the whole short affair a year ago. Not sure if the two were in contact over that year or not.

Mea

So she kept in contact with OM after telling her H it was over..

I'd advise your friend to really think about what it is she wants and not just listen to her heart and emotions. She has to think about the bigger picture here and her whole life as she knows it. counselling is something she should do for sure.

Does she think she's in love with the OM?

March 10, 2012

if they used trust as a basis to heal their relationship, it *is* a big deal. Even if she was just messing around in her head and living in the past

The way I see it is she had a moment of weakness but didn't act on it.

March 10, 2012

what do I tell my friend to do now?

Nothing? Let her sort out the world of dog doo that she got herself into?

I mean, I understand that you want to help your friend out, but it's not up to you to come up with a magical plan that will get her out of trouble. There isn't one, anyway. Just be a supportive friend and listen, I guess.

Or have her get an account here and post her story.

March 10, 2012

First off.. Thank you to those who have responded. Yes I am still friends with her, all and all she's is a greeat person and this sorta thing is very out of character for her. I am not sure if she remained in contact.. But I will find out and update all. I tried to get her to come on here. She is a very private person and well won't do it. Anyway, I feel bad for her. She and her H have one child and the other man involved has none.

To the poster that talked about the email draft, my thinking is that was her way of dealing with perhaps some un resolved feelings. I think it would paint a much diff picture if she had actually sent it.

Mea:)

March 10, 2012

Nothing? Let her sort out the world of dog doo that she got herself into?

I mean, I understand that you want to help your friend out, but it's not up to you to come up with a magical plan that will get her out of trouble. There isn't one, anyway. Just be a supportive friend and listen, I guess.

Or have her get an account here and post her story.

I hear you CC. I explained in my last post, I mentioned LS.. She's way to private. Of course I'll be supportive.

Mea:)

March 10, 2012

The way I see it is she had a moment of weakness but didn't act on it.

This may be true. But she held on to the email ( I think that's how I read it). Her husband might feel as though she is putting her energy into pinning for OM instead of working with him. If she had a moment of weakness, I would have expected her to go to her husband with her thoughts.....communication.

March 10, 2012

This may be true. But she held on to the email ( I think that's how I read it). Her husband might feel as though she is putting her energy into pinning for OM instead of working with him. If she had a moment of weakness, I would have expected her to go to her husband with her thoughts.....communication.

This is how I see it---from the H's point of view, it's probably feeling like a second betrayal.

It may very well leave him feeling like he got duped all over again.

It also kind of rubs his nose in the fact that his WS was emotionally involved.

As far as I'm concerned---the only thing that could hurt more than being cheated on, & deceived--

would be finding out that the reconciliation that I'd been putting my energy into---was based on false premises.

The BS granted her a HUGE favor, by being willing to work on the marriage, and being willing to grant his trust again.

That meant he had to be willing to swallow a boatload of pride, stuff down his own justifiable anger,and do the bulk of the heavy lifting to help heal the marriage.

So for him to find out that she's still hung up on the OM--what a blow for him, after doing all that tap-dancing. His capacity for trust could be permanently damaged by this.

One of the worst things your friend could do now is minimize what the experience has been for the man who was willing to give her a second chance.

March 10, 2012

It doesn't matter if it was sent or not. She may been have crafting and re-crafting the email until it was "just right."

I guess it depends on what it said - that's the only way to determine if the email was just a letter meant to be burned type of thing or whether she was looking to re-engage.

Good point Alice. I suppose the context of the written text would be important here. I'll find out about that.

Mea :-)

March 10, 2012

Mea -

I had a very dear friend - completely out of character for her too - she cheated after being with hubby for 27 years.

I really assessed my boundary with her. I didn't want to be "friends" with her - mainly because she sat there justifying and manipulating her cheating!

When she took that approach - I realized she wasn't the kind of gal I thought she could be - if she were - she wouldn't have been trying to blame her hubby for not paying enough attention to her... SHE would have OWNED her bad behavior ONLY as hers. But she didn't! And I wasn't gonna stand there and act like it was ok for her to blame anyone but herself for what SHE had done.

We haven't spoken in a month. We used to speak every day.

Until she owns it as her own - I don't want to talk to her.

Sometimes you just gotta weed the garden. Cut certain people out in order to let the new blooms take up the space... Ya know? I don't miss her drama and pity party!

Know where your healthy boundary is. If its creating too much negative energy to stay friends for now - take a break by telling her it's too much...

March 10, 2012

2sunny, She has owned her bad behavior. I do give her credit for that. She is a very good person. I'm not going to turn my back on her. She needs some support. I will however not get in the way of her decision making. She does have to do what is best for her and her family.

Mea :-)

BTW.. Nice to see you.

March 10, 2012

2sunny, She has owned her bad behavior. I do give her credit for that. She is a very good person. I'm not going to turn my back on her. She needs some support. I will however not get in the way of her decision making. She does have to do what is best for her and her family.

Mea :-)

BTW.. Nice to see you.

Nice to see you honey!

Support what is right Mea, there is a big difference!

If she's "doing" Inge that don't seem right - you can be her friend by pointing out what the right thing is. IF she chooses not to do what's right when she moves forward - then its time for you to reassess the friendship...and the role you play within that friendship.

I caution you - mainly because she's "so private" - does her privacy work to her advantage? Like, did SHE tell you she created that draft to her OM before she got caught or after? IF she's only feeding you info AFTER she gets caught - she may be still participating with the OM more than what she tells (hence, her need to be private). Get what I'm saying? How much truth does she tell about herself?

Does she only tell AFTER she creates the chaos? If that's the case, then it's more difficult to help her - or BE her friend- when she continues to cause the chaos before asking for your input.

IF she's causing more by how she's participating and not letting you in ahead of time - then there's nothing you can do except point out that SHE is doing it to HERSELF. Then quickly remove yourself for supporting her bad behavior...

But you can't "know" unless she starts getting honest about how she's participating and if she's doing this before thinking hings through with a trusted friend.

March 10, 2012

Of course I'll support what is right. Because I know what is right. I'd tell her no contact with this other man, and to be truthful and work on her marriage to see if she can repair it. I probably should just tell her that. Anyway, she told me about all this since the start. And did tell me she drafted a note that was never sent before the H found the note. I don't know exactly all the details..I need to find out more. But, when she's ready to tell me.

Mea :-)

March 10, 2012

Of course I'll support what is right. Because I know what is right. I'd tell her no contact with this other man, and to be truthful and work on her marriage to see if she can repair it. I probably should just tell her that. Anyway, she told me about all this since the start. And did tell me she drafted a note that was never sent before the H found the note. I don't know exactly all the details..I need to find out more. But, when she's ready to tell me.

Mea :-)

That is all good advice, but one has to wonder if she still needs such basic advice a year after a short affair has been discovered and ended, will it have any effect? It sounds like her H must have been surprised and hurt by what he discovered, given the way he reacted. I think each time a M is set back like this in trust, it gets more difficult to repair. Whatever she has been doing over the past year seems not to have been enough in terms of honest communication and now she is going to need even more commitment, even better skills and values, to make it work. Given the hurt her behavior is bringing into a family with a child, I'd recommend counselling for her and if she is already in IC, she might ask if she needs a different counsellor. This will be useful whether her M survives or not.

March 11, 2012

Hey,

They stayed together and they worked it out already.

Just because he found an unsent mail in the draft is not big deal.

Hah! That is exactly how I found out about my XW's bf. I had that gut feeling there was an OM but did not find anything till after the divorce. She did guard her cell phone while we were married. That should have been a clue. That and she wanted me to show her how to password protect everything including the laptop I bought her. Another red flag that I ignored.

I was a nice guy and always fixed her PC problems for her even after the divorce. I should not have looked but couldnt help myself. The account was under my name anyway. Sometimes I think she actually wanted me to find out that way. She left herself wide open. But then again, this could have been going on for years right under my nose.

March 11, 2012

And cases like this - where a spouse claims to be "so private" - works against repairing the M.

Has she learned how not to have the need for such strict privacy?

What is she doing to change the person she was? It's necessary!!!

March 15, 2012

Ok. Had the opportunity to have coffee this am with my girlfriend. It does appear that within that year she stayed in contact via text with this old flame from her past. I've come to find out they were both first loves at the tender age of 14. She has admitted all to H and is in full agreement that no further contact shall take place. Her H wants nothing more to put this all behind them and move forward. Apparently, they have a very strong marriage and they do not wish to end it. I believe this just may have a happy ending after all. I'm glad to know that.

Mea

March 15, 2012

I hope she really is able to let go of OM and focus on her marriage, and it's not just words.. They may not be having an A anymore, but the contact through texts just keeps the feelings alive, like an addiction, feeds ego's etc..

Has she actually texted the OM to tell him goodbye and never to contact her again?

She's extremely lucky to have an H who is willing to work with her and not give up on her and the marriage! I hope realizes this? And, I hope she gets some counselling to fix what's broken inside of her,whether it be she (they) just can't let go of one another or if they are addicted to the feelings they get when in contact, even by text.

March 15, 2012

Ok. Had the opportunity to have coffee this am with my girlfriend. It does appear that within that year she stayed in contact via text with this old flame from her past. I've come to find out they were both first loves at the tender age of 14. She has admitted all to H and is in full agreement that no further contact shall take place. Her H wants nothing more to put this all behind them and move forward. Apparently, they have a very strong marriage and they do not wish to end it. I believe this just may have a happy ending after all. I'm glad to know that.

Mea

I don't see what has changed except she got caught. Seems if it takes getting caught to want to commit to her M and not have a secret thing with her old flame, then it is likely to happen again, maybe with him or maybe with someone else. Sounds like a temporary fix.

March 15, 2012

I hope she really is able to let go of OM and focus on her marriage, and it's not just words.. They may not be having an A anymore, but the contact through texts just keeps the feelings alive, like an addiction, feeds ego's etc..

Has she actually texted the OM to tell him goodbye and never to contact her again?

She's extremely lucky to have an H who is willing to work with her and not give up on her and the marriage! I hope realizes this? And, I hope she gets some counselling to fix what's broken inside of her,whether it be she (they) just can't let go of one another or if they are addicted to the feelings they get when in contact, even by text.

Yes. A goodbye message and leave me alone has been sent. Not sure by what means via text, email? Anway, I don't think she's a broken down woman. I think the power of first love took her for a little fantasy ride. She's very peaceful. Infact, she taught me how to be peaceful. I agree. Very lucky and I told her the same thing. I'm going to keep tabs with her on how its all going. But, my gut tells me it will be ok. Thank you all.

Mea :-)

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