SIL is subtly hostile toward me

[ColumbiaD]

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with a bitchy sister-in-law? I try to be so nice to her, but no matter what I say or do, it's always the wrong thing. There's usually nothing overtly hostile or wrong with what she says or how she acts, but she always leaves me feeling bad about myself or about how she feels about me.

 

Some examples, past and present:

 

My SIL has perfect teeth - small, even, (artificially) white, perfect teeth/gum ratio. My teeth are not nearly so perfect. In front of a group of people she says "Wow, your teeth are so big! ...." (and then, when everyone is silent) "I wish mine were bigger!"

 

When I'm at her house I asked her about EVERYTHING: how she's feeling, about her (expected) baby, about her spouse, about a class she had told me she was going to take last time I saw her, about her upcoming weekend, etc. What I DIDN'T ask her about was her dog - which of course is the one thing she noticed. I HATE small dogs, however I have never said that to her, and I'm nice to hers - I pet him when he's jumping all over me, I let him jump on my lap multiple times and pet him for a minute before putting him down, I don't kick him across the room, etc.....but when he's being boarded and I don't comment on his absence she says "Oh, that's how much you like my dog, huh". She hates my dog, but I never say things like that to her, I'm just considerate of the fact that she doesn't like him!

 

She complains about her husband for 3 hours, and the ONE time I agree with her on something and say "I'm glad I'm not the only one that has to deal with that" she gives me a lecture on how we need to cut our men some slack sometimes.

 

Literally moments before marrying her brother I said something about us being sister-in-laws and she said "Not yet we're not!"

 

She said she liked my wedding invitations; I said they were my favorite thing from the wedding and she says "I would hope that's not your favorite thing."

 

Every time I spend time with her, or my spouse and I spend time with her, she is on her cell phone most of the time - either texting or on the internet. The one time my phone is blowing up with texts/emails when I am with her she makes snotty comments about it like I'm being so rude for not shutting my phone off when I'm with her...and I wasn't even reading/responding to the texts/emails!

 

She frequently makes me feel uncomfortable by bad-mouthing her spouse and giving him a hard time/pointing out his flaws or things he did or said that she didn't like right in front of me and my husband (her brother), and picking fights with him in front of us, but if I ever say something to try to get her to shut up she makes a condescending remark. Example: the other night she was giving him a hard time for like an hour because she wanted him to go down the block to get her a specific thing to eat (don't know why she couldn't go herself), and I said "I could have picked that up on my way over" ....because I had ASKED her while I was on my way if I should pick up anything and she said no....and she lectured me on how it was the principle of the thing because he ate something in the fridge before she got home that he should have psychically known she would want to have for dinner.

 

I hate spending time with her because she makes me feel like crap with her comments, attitude, etc., but she is my husband's only sibling and they are very close so I have to spend time with her. I try to kill her with kindness, but no matter what I do or say it's never the right thing.

Edited March 9, 2012 by ColumbiaD

[2sunny]

Then don't spend time or energy on her. Focus on your husband.

 

No one says there's a rule that you HAVE to like the sister.

 

If you don't like the way she treats you - don't interact with her.

 

And if she asks - be honest with her. Simply tell her you don't feel good about yourself when you're around her - so you decided not to be around her.

[ColumbiaD]

I have to spend time with her. It's just the way it is. She and my husband have many friends in common, they are close and spend a lot of time together with friends, family, etc. I can't avoid spending time with her. It would be nice if I could, but it's just not possible to not see her. If I simply chose to not speak to her when I see her, then I would be the bitch. While no one else picks up on her behavior toward me, it would be pretty obvious to everyone that I was being a jerk if I ignored her presence.

[2sunny]

I have to spend time with her. It's just the way it is. She and my husband have many friends in common, they are close and spend a lot of time together with friends, family, etc. I can't avoid spending time with her. It would be nice if I could, but it's just not possible to not see her. If I simply chose to not speak to her when I see her, then I would be the bitch. While no one else picks up on her behavior toward me, it would be pretty obvious to everyone that I was being a jerk if I ignored her presence.

 

So why did you ask? Sheez!

 

Do what you want! Maybe try being honest then "why are you intending to be mean to me?"

 

Try honesty!

[ColumbiaD]

So why did you ask? Sheez!

 

I specifically said I have to see her and wanted advice on how to deal with her.

[2sunny]

I specifically said I have to see her and wanted advice on how to deal with her.

 

Deal with her honestly. Ask her why she has trouble acting kind and loving toward you?

[whichwayisup]

I would first tell your husband how you're feeling about his sister and why. Give examples too. Then ask him how he thinks you should handle this so it doesn't make things worse. Don't bash her or put her down..Tell him that you've tried to be friendly, nice, outgoing towards her and she just is being bitchy and not nice overall. Let your H know too that you're fed up and it's NOT fun spending time with her so often.

 

I see that she's like that with her own husband so she's probably like that with family or close friends.

 

I would just come out and ask her outright "Did I do something to piss you off? Seems like everytime we get together you have negative things to say to me and I'm getting sick of it, so we have to talk and sort this out.. For your brothers sake." Be blunt but nice about it.

[SillyGreenGirl]

It's called narcissism. NCP website explains it clearly and distinctly this way;

Pathological narcissism is a life-long pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.

These people have an irrational way of lifting themselves higher by feeding on the self-confidence of others.There is some very good literature out there about how to disarm the narcissist and it seems like you could benefit greatly from reading about the disorder.

 

These people have grown so accustomed to being reenforced in their behavior through the silence and compliant nature of the ones they catch unaware until *nasty yet subtle backward compliments* become the norm. One method that works extremely well is to call them on the *insults as soon as it happens. (She drew attention to her "small beautiful teeth" by pointing out what was lacking from yours - hence she complimented herself by way of comparison to your 'imperfection'.)

 

This is not acceptable behavior which is why the room went silent - that's your first clue that others notice as well. It was also your clue to speak up- unfortunately until you're well schooled on what to say, how to say it without provoking, and how to use your own tone to disarm - it may certainly cause open animosity if not an argument.

 

So take some time to read up on the subject (arm yourself)- then prepare to start letting her know that her way of diminishing your value won't be tolerated. Honesty is the best policy - but tone will determine pass/fail when it comes to a narcissist. G/L

[CC12]

While no one else picks up on her behavior toward me, it would be pretty obvious to everyone that I was being a jerk if I ignored her presence.

 

This kind of confused me. If she is as bad as you described, how could no one else notice it? She says idiotic things and is pretty unreasonable at times. Seriously, nobody else notices this? Or do they just dismiss it and say, "Oh, that Krissy is so zany!"

 

You don't have to ignore her presence, just stop trying so hard to be her pal. It's not working, and it's likely just pissing you off more when she snubs you. If you aren't at the point where you don't want to be around her at all yet, then learn to not take things personally. Do you think she's being malicious when she's awful, or is she just the type of person who makes inappropriate comments and acts like a monumental doofus?

 

If she's not being malicious, then it should be easy for you to just (mentally) roll your eyes and blow it off.

[darkmoon]

don't bother with her you give her too much control, so just smile and use generic blamange responses

 

just yesses and sures and very nices and lovely meals and kids...blah blah

[TaraMaiden]

This is going to be a hard truth to hear, but it's not her attitude - it's you.

 

it's you - letting her attitude defeat you.

because the moment you say things like:

 

she always leaves me feeling bad about myself

 

Or -

 

She frequently makes me feel uncomfortable

 

or, again,

 

she makes me feel like crap .... no matter what I do or say it's never the right thing.

 

you are basically abdicating all control of feelings and emotions which stem from you, are your property, and generated by you, in your mind.

it's like they're locked in a box, and you're tossing her the key, saying, "here, open it up and do what you want.."

The secret is to have the box - but keep the key.

And what you should do, every time you go round there - is hold a key in your hand, or put it in your pocket, so you know it's there... or hang it round your neck....

 

actually have a key on you, and touch it frequently - because it's yours, and you're keeping it.

It's to remind you that people will only step all over us, and tread on our emotions - if we give them carte blanche to do so.

don't be afraid to retaliate, but do it in good humour.... point out how unreasonable she's being.... but use humour... for example, with the text issue....

"oh, says the person who can't stop texting like *the other evening*!" and laugh....

you have to develop the confidence to be able to relax and give as good as you get.

YOU have to develop the confidence.

Nobody else can give it to you.

Just like nobody can access your 'emotional' box.

[spiderowl]

I would say don't spend time with her. Tell your husband he'll have to see her out of the house and refuse to spend time with her. Why should you put up with her putting you down all the time. Her behaviour is unacceptable.

 

Failing that ... she obviously has some problem with you. It could be jealousy - you are with her brother after all. She may have previously enjoyed all her brother's attention. You could try to avoid being there when they are together. Leave her to spend time alone with her brother. Maybe she misses that. You could also try to find out what's bugging her. Maybe she sees you as having had everything easy in some way when she thinks she hasn't. Notice the particular things she comments on and see if there is any pattern to her grumbles. She's actually paying a lot of attention to you. Maybe she feels you don't like her and she wants you to pay her attention. I can understand that you feel you have done enough on this front though and she's still pushing the boundaries. Personally, I'd get out of it at this point as she's just too wearing and you deserve respect.

 

If your boyfriend can't see what she's doing, then you need to educate him. If he still can't see, then consider dropping him. Life is too short for such hassle and he should respect your feelings too.

[spiderowl]

I have to spend time with her. It's just the way it is. She and my husband have many friends in common, they are close and spend a lot of time together with friends, family, etc. I can't avoid spending time with her. It would be nice if I could, but it's just not possible to not see her. If I simply chose to not speak to her when I see her, then I would be the bitch. While no one else picks up on her behavior toward me, it would be pretty obvious to everyone that I was being a jerk if I ignored her presence.

 

I can see your point of view but your feelings matter too. You need to be more assertive and you are not being a bitch by avoiding someone who is being unpleasant to you. She is being a bitch. You may get a bit of flack initially from people who haven't seen or understood what's been going on, but as long as you stick to your guns and explain you don't want to interact with her as she's so negative towards you and it's painful for you, they haven't got a leg to stand on.

 

When you feel pain like this, you have every right to avoid it and prevent it occurring, every right. Anyone who tries to stop you protecting yourself does not have your best interests at heart, no matter what they say.

[xxoo]

don't bother with her you give her too much control, so just smile and use generic blamange responses

 

just yesses and sures and very nices and lovely meals and kids...blah blah

 

Yes, this. Be polite and smile, but keep her at arm's length. Don't share your news, stories, and opinions with her. Build a little wall, and keep her on the other side.

 

When she says something obnoxious (and she will), a genuine laugh can be effective. Just....laugh. Funny. There she goes again.

[Anela]

Sorry, my experience was with a bitchy boyfriend, who hit on me and made semi-subtle digs at me. I remember clearly one evening in the kitchen, when he did so. a-hole. He caused a huge argument, managed to split my sister off from us for a while, and I still don't feel comfortable around him. I'm seen as the bitchy future sister-in-law, because of that.

[Anela]

I laugh when I get an accidental back-handed compliment from someone I know who wouldn't mean it - I laugh out loud and thank them for it. Maybe you can get yourself into the same place with people who do mean it (I've tried it, and every so often, it works). You don't have to be mean with it.

 

I also know how it can leave you flustered when they just come out with something that you know is a dig - the boyfriend did it to me when the others were only half-listening, and I wanted to punch him. This was after he'd hit on me, and I'd avoided him even more after that. You have every right to feel that something is your favourite thing from a wedding - she chose that along with everything else - so just repeat that it was your favourite thing, "No, no, it was my favourite. Why would you be bothered by that?" The question isn't necessary, but I would probably ask that myself, depending on my mood.

[ColumbiaD]

This kind of confused me. If she is as bad as you described, how could no one else notice it? She says idiotic things and is pretty unreasonable at times. Seriously, nobody else notices this? Or do they just dismiss it and say, "Oh, that Krissy is so zany!"

 

You don't have to ignore her presence, just stop trying so hard to be her pal. It's not working, and it's likely just pissing you off more when she snubs you. If you aren't at the point where you don't want to be around her at all yet, then learn to not take things personally. Do you think she's being malicious when she's awful, or is she just the type of person who makes inappropriate comments and acts like a monumental doofus?

 

If she's not being malicious, then it should be easy for you to just (mentally) roll your eyes and blow it off.

Every once in awhile, when she is superbad and goes too far, her husband will call her out in front of everyone and tell her to stop making fun of me. This is pretty rare, though. Mostly people have the "Haha, that Krissy is so zany" type response, or they brush it off as funny that she's so "oblivious" to how rude she's being to me. She's one of those people that gets away with saying incredibly rude, hurtful, mean things because she smiles and has a very carefully modulated tone of voice when she does it.

 

I really don't quite understand how this type of dynamic works, but for her it does. She is one of the most negative, contrarian, rude people I've ever met; she is always complaining and whining almost nonstop, but I seem to be the only person who notices this about her. The only thing I can think of is that it's her tone of voice and the way she says things. A few weeks ago my husband and I took her and her husband out to dinner for his birthday and the next day my husband couldn't stop raving about how much fun he had (and I did too) with them, and how funny his sister was, etc. I didn't say this to HIM, but the reason it was so much fun was because she didn't whine, complain or contradict anyone once the whole the night! Which is very unusual for her.

 

I think she's being malicious, but perhaps that's because I'm taking it personally...I'm too close to the situation to really say. I can say that she doesn't treat other people this way, that I've ever seen. She does have similar bad behavior toward my spouse and her husband, but it's not quite the same.

 

I tried talking to my husband today about how she makes me feel when I see her, and he just laughed. He said "sorry you have to spend time with her" and then just laughed at how she acts like that, like it's funny to be rude and make people feel bad. He said that she treats him the same way, but she doesn't - don't get me wrong, I often have a huge problem with how she treats my husband, but the way she treats him isn't quite the same as her behavior toward me...and on top of that, I'm not related to her, so I don't like how he seemed to imply that it's OK for her to act like that because we're family. When my real sister is being a bitch and treats me like crap, I tell her she's being a bitch and we either talk about it, or else we don't talk until she feels like apologizing and straightening up. I would never be able to have this kind of relationship with my sister in law, she would just make me out to be the bad guy for taking something personally and being rude to her.

 

 

This is going to be a hard truth to hear, but it's not her attitude - it's you.

 

it's you - letting her attitude defeat you.

because the moment you say things like:

 

 

 

Or -

 

 

 

or, again,

 

 

 

you are basically abdicating all control of feelings and emotions which stem from you, are your property, and generated by you, in your mind.

it's like they're locked in a box, and you're tossing her the key, saying, "here, open it up and do what you want.."

The secret is to have the box - but keep the key.

And what you should do, every time you go round there - is hold a key in your hand, or put it in your pocket, so you know it's there... or hang it round your neck....

 

actually have a key on you, and touch it frequently - because it's yours, and you're keeping it.

It's to remind you that people will only step all over us, and tread on our emotions - if we give them carte blanche to do so.

don't be afraid to retaliate, but do it in good humour.... point out how unreasonable she's being.... but use humour... for example, with the text issue....

"oh, says the person who can't stop texting like *the other evening*!" and laugh....

you have to develop the confidence to be able to relax and give as good as you get.

YOU have to develop the confidence.

Nobody else can give it to you.

Just like nobody can access your 'emotional' box.

I like this, I actually think I'm going to try it. Hard advice (for me) to follow, but I think you're right. Great idea to have a physical reminder.

 

Yes, this. Be polite and smile, but keep her at arm's length. Don't share your news, stories, and opinions with her. Build a little wall, and keep her on the other side.

 

When she says something obnoxious (and she will), a genuine laugh can be effective. Just....laugh. Funny. There she goes again.

Also very good advice.

Edited March 12, 2012 by ColumbiaD

[ColumbiaD]

I would say don't spend time with her. Tell your husband he'll have to see her out of the house and refuse to spend time with her. Why should you put up with her putting you down all the time. Her behaviour is unacceptable.

 

Failing that ... she obviously has some problem with you. It could be jealousy - you are with her brother after all. She may have previously enjoyed all her brother's attention. You could try to avoid being there when they are together. Leave her to spend time alone with her brother. Maybe she misses that. You could also try to find out what's bugging her. Maybe she sees you as having had everything easy in some way when she thinks she hasn't. Notice the particular things she comments on and see if there is any pattern to her grumbles. She's actually paying a lot of attention to you. Maybe she feels you don't like her and she wants you to pay her attention. I can understand that you feel you have done enough on this front though and she's still pushing the boundaries. Personally, I'd get out of it at this point as she's just too wearing and you deserve respect.

 

If your boyfriend can't see what she's doing, then you need to educate him. If he still can't see, then consider dropping him. Life is too short for such hassle and he should respect your feelings too.

My husband actually thinks that his sister and her best friend are mean to me (although he puts much more emphasis on the friend being mean to me than his sister) because I'm younger than they are, and thinner. Neither one of them is overweight by any means, but they both are more curvy and carry more weight in their hips. They are both attractive women, but my SIL's husband has a history of being slightly inappropriate (making comments and things like that) about my SIL's more petite friends. My husband thinks that either the SIL's husband or the friend's husband, or both, said something flattering about me and now they are both mean to me because they're being jealous and petty. Not sure if that's true or not, but he's known his sister for over 30 years, and the friend for over a decade, so he knows them better than I do. I personally think they are both a more attractive body type than I am, but I can see that point of view.

[TaraMaiden]

i'm sorry we're being so 'scatter-gun' with so much advice... but the common denominator seems to be "We teach people how to treat us"....

 

Maybe pointing out to others what she's like, and hoping for some back-up and support isn't the way to go....

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, other people are walking on eggshells because they're worried about rocking the boat and antagonising her?

you know...maybe they don't know what to do either, or maybe they are scared about the reaction from her if they pull her up on it.

Maybe turning on her, in front of others, and saying -

 

"Oh jeesh...! Once it's a laugh, twice it's a giggle and three times it's a bore!

You know, if you could occasionally say something genuinely nice, instead of coming back with the bitchy comment with the thin veneer of pseudo-humour, we might get on better.

if yopu don't like me, say so, but quit stabbing, because you're not funny, and you're not clever, and it's beginning to really piss me off. ok? and no, this is not up for discussion."

 

Now - should you be bold enough to take this route - and I admit, it's drastic - be prepared for it to change the entire family dynamic.

This will cause waves, and the family will focus on it as a current topic for discussion.

Furthermore, people will take sides, but one thing's for sure. It will change her attitude for good.

and it will blow over.

 

don't rise to any accusations people will make, other than to say, that you were fed up with her constant jibes, and what were you supposed to do - carry on being a doormat, or something? why shouldn't you speak up if something offends you?

don't justify, reason or explain any more than that.

Be dignified and let the topic slide... and it will soon fall by the wayside, as soon as something else grabs their attention and shifts their focus....

 

But really - something needs doing.

So why not be the giver, and not the taker?

[xxoo]

I tend to be non-confrontational with H's family, but my H is much more outspoken with them, thank goodness.

 

I do more of the laugh-it-off strategy. Every once in a while, though, my H will be present for a comment directed at me, and he will zing back--hard. After all, they are from the same apple tree, and he can give as good as they can.

And then I just enjoy the moment

 

Does your H speak up when he notices what is going on?

[ColumbiaD]

It's called narcissism. NCP website explains it clearly and distinctly this way;

Pathological narcissism is a life-long pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.

These people have an irrational way of lifting themselves higher by feeding on the self-confidence of others.There is some very good literature out there about how to disarm the narcissist and it seems like you could benefit greatly from reading about the disorder.

 

These people have grown so accustomed to being reenforced in their behavior through the silence and compliant nature of the ones they catch unaware until *nasty yet subtle backward compliments* become the norm. One method that works extremely well is to call them on the *insults as soon as it happens. (She drew attention to her "small beautiful teeth" by pointing out what was lacking from yours - hence she complimented herself by way of comparison to your 'imperfection'.)

 

This is not acceptable behavior which is why the room went silent - that's your first clue that others notice as well. It was also your clue to speak up- unfortunately until you're well schooled on what to say, how to say it without provoking, and how to use your own tone to disarm - it may certainly cause open animosity if not an argument.

 

So take some time to read up on the subject (arm yourself)- then prepare to start letting her know that her way of diminishing your value won't be tolerated. Honesty is the best policy - but tone will determine pass/fail when it comes to a narcissist. G/L

 

I've been having some problems with my SIL again, so I revisited this thread. I did read up on this, and she does seem to fit the profile of a narcissist, but my reading on that led to reading about manipulative personalities, which also describes her really well. I think my H also has narcissistic tendencies, which would explain a lot.

Edited August 5, 2012 by ColumbiaD

[bentnotbroken]

I've been having some problems with my SIL again, so I revisited this thread. I did read up on this, and she does seem to fit the profile of a narcissist, but my reading on that led to reading about manipulative personalities, which also describes her really well. I think my H also has narcissistic tendencies, which would explain a lot.

 

 

One of the tools I use (and should have used for too many years) is the cool stare. You know the one with the smile that never quite reaches your eyes. Your voice is even and calm in all responses. When she mentions things that are rude ask her is she feeling alright because she seems a bit on edge. Or ask her if she needs to lie down in order to relax. Do not let her know her comments bother you. And the teeth thing...most of us have naturally aligned (PC term;)) teeth. You are in the majority.