unforgiven13 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 My recent ex and I still talk everyday and see eachother every week. I guess we have been kind of seeing where it goes and might get back together. Recently though, and this is not the first time this has happened, I feel like he doesn't care as much and doesn't miss me. He asked me what was wrong today and I told him what I was worried about and as usual he gets defensive and says if I think he doesn't care then he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. This just makes me feel like wow..ok how much do you really care then if Im going through something and you just push me away? I dont mean to hurt him or upset him or argue, to me I was just speaking with a friend about my feelings and wanting some comfort. I'm going through some other things too that dont have to do with him. I dont want to doubt that he cares but when he acts like this I really wonder. If he came to me upset, even if it was about me, I would always just talk to him and show him I'm there for him. I know everyone is different but he really hurt my feelings. I would like some input on this from anyone. thanks.
SillyGreenGirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Having been in a previous marriage for 20 years, and being a newlywed of 6 years- I cannot judge your man - but I do feel comfortable telling you that it should be his pleasure to reassure you when you feel you need it. A defensive reaction to the question "do you love me" - is a red flag that shouldn't be dismissed.
Author unforgiven13 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 Thanks for responding. I agree it should be simple enough for him to just reassure me, but I also know men think very differently than us. I don't know what to think. I know I don't like it and I'd like to be with someone who always shows me they care, but it's not all on the other person, I have to work on myself.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Thanks for responding. I agree it should be simple enough for him to just reassure me, but I also know men think very differently than us. I don't know what to think. I know I don't like it and I'd like to be with someone who always shows me they care, but it's not all on the other person, I have to work on myself. I think if he truly did care about you then he would be with you. Why did you break up in the first place? Thats the problem with these "lets see what happens" periods. They are incredibly confusing and blur boundaries. Personally I think if you are going to work things out then you need to have a conversation about it. Not this wishy washy, "we'll see what happens" stuff. You will continue to be insecure and scared if you remain in that limbo position.
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Thanks for responding. I agree it should be simple enough for him to just reassure me, but I also know men think very differently than us. I don't know what to think. I know I don't like it and I'd like to be with someone who always shows me they care, but it's not all on the other person, I have to work on myself. So focus on YOU. That means not communicating with him. Why would you want to anyway - when he intends to make you feel bad instead of better? He's not showing loving behavior at all. Find a man who will after you learn to be happy on your own.
Author unforgiven13 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 Thanks everyone for responding. We broke up because as he says we were fighting all the time. We were, and I hated it, but I have come to love and care for him very much so I'm not the type of person to just throw someone away cause things get rough. I'm okay with talking about things and working through issues, I feel like that's the whole point of having relationships, to grow and work through issues. I preferred sitting and talking openly and calmly..he preferred getting angry, yelling and saying he doesn't want to talk about it, but he is a guy. He also seems to have his own issues and will push me away rather than deal with things because he's scared and I don't think he knows how to handle things. I communicate with him because we decided to remain friends and we still wanted each other in our lives. I agree, I don't enjoy being in this limbo state, but I also don't know if we should get back together or not. Mainly because I don't know if he will ever work on himself, and I know if he doesn't then we'll never work. Not to put all the blame on him, but I enjoy learning and growing and working on things, I just don't think he really does. I'm also dealing with a lot of other issues right now that are very scary and he is the person I'm closest to. It'd be very hard to go through this alone. Can anyone see things from his perspective and maybe show me what I'm doing wrong or what I can do to get along with him better? I know I have my issues and I really want to be a better person and learn how to overcome them. thank you.
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Since he's the angry and selfish type and you can't expect someone to change for you - expect this so called friend to think only of himself. Expect that when you need him he will get mad because it's not all about him. What is good about having friends like that? I don't see the point. And don't make excuses for HIS bad behavior! Abusive men are always with women who make excuses for heir bad behavior. There's nothing right about it. He isn't your friend!
Lauriebell82 Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Thanks everyone for responding. We broke up because as he says we were fighting all the time. We were, and I hated it, but I have come to love and care for him very much so I'm not the type of person to just throw someone away cause things get rough. I'm okay with talking about things and working through issues, I feel like that's the whole point of having relationships, to grow and work through issues. I preferred sitting and talking openly and calmly..he preferred getting angry, yelling and saying he doesn't want to talk about it, but he is a guy. He also seems to have his own issues and will push me away rather than deal with things because he's scared and I don't think he knows how to handle things. I communicate with him because we decided to remain friends and we still wanted each other in our lives. I agree, I don't enjoy being in this limbo state, but I also don't know if we should get back together or not. Mainly because I don't know if he will ever work on himself, and I know if he doesn't then we'll never work. Not to put all the blame on him, but I enjoy learning and growing and working on things, I just don't think he really does. I'm also dealing with a lot of other issues right now that are very scary and he is the person I'm closest to. It'd be very hard to go through this alone. Can anyone see things from his perspective and maybe show me what I'm doing wrong or what I can do to get along with him better? I know I have my issues and I really want to be a better person and learn how to overcome them. thank you. Well, I personally wouldn't want a friend who pushed me away when I tried to lean on them for support. It's a little more complicated for you though because you are exes. I understand your wanting to hold on to him, but this doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic for me. I think if you really are going to be "just friends" then you need to stop talking about your previous relationship and supporting each other as you would as a couple. Friends don't do that. And I think it would be less confusing for you if you just let him go as your "sort of boyfriend" and think of him as a friend. But can you really JUST be friends with him and nothing more? Probably not.
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