Matt78 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Hi all, Hopefully some of you can help give me advice for my issues. Here's the situation: I'm a 34yo divorced father of 2 young children (6yo and 4yo). I've been on the dating scene, and it's been extremely difficult to find someone for a long-term relationship for what I see as two reasons: 1. I can get a first date, but usually it doesn't lead to a second once the person learns that I already have kids; and 2. If I find someone who doesn't mind that, she later gets really jealous of my best friend (female, lesbian), but only after she meets her, and either says she doesn't want to get in the way of the two us, or she says she can't compete with my friends. To explain the second part further, I have known my best friend for half of my life. Like I said, she's a lesbian, and she's in a LTR. She and I have always clicked, she knows what I'm thinking, every little look I have, has never judged me on my mistakes, has always been there for me, and I for her, we finish each other's sentences, and we see everything in the same way. She's not afraid of saying anything to me, nor I to her. We hang out, have drinks after work, play video games together, etc. I guess we're sort of what you might call platonic soul mates. One time, long ago, I brought up the idea of us dating, but she told me no, that she loves our relationship as it is, and that she is into females. I totally respect this. Anyway, with the people whom I've dated, I've never hidden the fact that I have two children and I have a best friend who is a lesbian. Don't get me wrong, that's not the first thing I tell dates, and I'm not agressive with letting them know these things. It just comes up in the get-to-know-you conversations. Like I said, most women whom I date don't like the fact that I have kids. I can't fault them for that, but I just want to understand why. So my first question is, Why is it that big of a deal? I'm not looking for someone to be a mom to them (they have one); all I'm looking for is companionship and someone to start a family with, meaning that in the future, I want to have more children with whomever I end up settling down with. My second question is about my best friend. Most of the people who make it past the first stage (i.e. being ok with the fact I have kids), will date me for a little while and will want to meet my friends. By this time, I've talked about my friends, including my best friend, with her. I've never dated a person who didn't accept the fact I was friends with a lesbian, and some thought it was cool. But then, after I introduce my friend to the woman I'm dating, things tend to go awry. I've heard comments from my dates like, "Wow. She's not what I was expecting. I thought she was going to be more butch or something." She's a "lipstick" lesbian, and she is pretty. After they meet (usually in a double-date situation with me and my date, and my friend and her's), it seems only a matter of time that the person I'm dating will break up and move on (for reasons stated above: Don't want to get in the way, etc.). So my second question is, Why does one meeting change the perception, and what can I do to anticipate reactions better and let my date know what to expect? I will say that I will not break my friendship with my best friend. She's been there for me through so many high and low points in my life, and I have never found any one who understands me on the level she does. I just want to find someone whom I can start fresh with, who will accept me for who I am, and who will want to eventually have children with me. Any help is greatly appreciated!
FrustratedStandards Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) I don't think it's about "finding" a long term relationship so much as it is developing one. They don't just come out of thin air. Once you meet someone you like, both of you need to be compatible enough, and be on the same wavelength in order for there to be enough potential for a long term relationship. As for the kids, it's a dealbreaker for me to. Not because they are children, but because they are not my own. I can't, and will not, ever love another woman's kids. It just takes away from the man. He is already committed to another family (he will always be attached to the mother through the kids) and most women don't want a man with higher priorities and bigger responsibilities. Many women see it as a failed life, marriage or family, and no one wants to be the "add on" to that. Every woman wants to make her own family with a man that will be dedicated 100% to her and to her kids, not someone else's. And most women don't want to compromise the time a father will have with her children so he can have time for someone else's kids. No way. Not in my books. Edited March 9, 2012 by FrustratedStandards
xxoo Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 A girlfriend is going to want to be the #1 woman in your life. If the role of "soul mate" seems to already be filled by your pretty best friend, women will lose interest. They don't want to compete. So don't make them compete. Put the woman you are dating firmly in #1 spot. Be friends with your best friend, but dial back the one-on-one time with her until all of the relationships (including the girl friend and the best friend developing their own relationship) are well established. Even if you had a male best friend, you would probably see less of him while you were hot n' heavy with a new woman. And he would understand and cheer you on. Your female best friend should do the same, dropping back and giving you space to establish a relationship with a woman you are into. When our single friends fall in love, our phone rings a lot less--and we are happy for them! Having kids will be a dealbreaker for some women, but not for others. But you've already seen that.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 But he can't put his girlfriend as #1 if he has kids. That's where a lot of the problems arise. A man's kids will always be his first priority, and most women don't want to come second, not to mention settle with having only half of his available time for the relationship.
kaylan Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Also dont forget, some single people without kids may want someone whos the same so they can build their own family. 1
xxoo Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 But he can't put his girlfriend as #1 if he has kids. That's where a lot of the problems arise. A man's kids will always be his first priority, and most women don't want to come second, not to mention settle with having only half of his available time for the relationship. I agree that having kids is a dealbreaker for some, and with good reason. You are correct in that the kids will always be his first priority, and a new partner needs to be able to accept that. That, and a lot of people don't want to live with children who they can not fully parent. That's a tough position to be in. I'd recommend that the op look for a single mom, who will probably be facing similar challenges in dating. 1
Author Matt78 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I'm beginning to think that I'm kind of f--ked in terms of finding (or cultivating--however you want to put it) happiness in romance. I might have to resign myself to that fact. I just don't like the example that would bring to my children. I have dated single moms in the past, but so far, I haven't found any that want to have any more kids (I guess that's my deal-breaker--that I want more kids). Their reasoning is either they're too old to have more, there would be too large of an age gap between the kids, or they don't want to go through all that comes with it again. (That's not to mention the women who can no longer get pregnant.) I don't blame them for any of these reasons. It is what it is. I'm just saying I've had bad luck with single moms, too. grr. I'm just tired and frustrated in meeting all these people who at first seem interested in me (and who are themselves interesting people), but then they bail when they find out I have a past. I'm reminded of the game "would you rather." Would you rather: A) be in a serious LTR with someone who has kids or B) be in a serious LTR relationship with someone who has an STD. From my experience (and I know several people who have HSV or something like that, but no kids, get into a LTR without that many problems), seems like B is the popular answer.
mesmerized Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 I don't think it's about "finding" a long term relationship so much as it is developing one. They don't just come out of thin air. Once you meet someone you like, both of you need to be compatible enough, and be on the same wavelength in order for there to be enough potential for a long term relationship. As for the kids, it's a dealbreaker for me to. Not because they are children, but because they are not my own. I can't, and will not, ever love another woman's kids. It just takes away from the man. He is already committed to another family (he will always be attached to the mother through the kids) and most women don't want a man with higher priorities and bigger responsibilities. Many women see it as a failed life, marriage or family, and no one wants to be the "add on" to that. Every woman wants to make her own family with a man that will be dedicated 100% to her and to her kids, not someone else's. And most women don't want to compromise the time a father will have with her children so he can have time for someone else's kids. No way. Not in my books. This. And a lot of your income will have to be spent on the kids..So unless you make damn good money, you are not very financially desirable either. I mean if a guy makes the same money as me but has two kids, he will have much less every month to spend on himself and that might not go well with me if I want to have a comfortable life with him. And why on earth do you want more kids???
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