eleanorhurting Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Why can't I be attracted to someone who is not from school? I get crushes and feel attracted to people of the opposite sex but for some reason they are always the wrong ones. My story: Went through a horrible break-up in december of 2010. After that in late april/May I started dating a classmate. Bad bad bad move on my part. I made many mistakes with this person. I was not over the hurt of what happened with my ex. I became clingy and I was very naive because I had never really dated anyone before (my past boyfriends were people who I had been friends with first). This guy was a total mess and I did not even know it. He had a girlfriend who he broke up with for another person from my class and then after this girl rejected him he tried to date me and after he was through with me he ended up going back to the ex girlfriend yet he still hits on the girl he left her for in the first place. He totally screwed me over and I was a mess. Around August I finally found the courage to send him packing for good and i was able to go NC in late september. It was always very casual and he was not into me but I was so heartbroken and my self esteem was so low I tried to make it work so badly. I ended up very bruised and started seeing a therapist weekly from october to December who helped me deal with my assertiveness, my boundary issues, my guilt and y codependence. She stopped seeing me as often because she said I was better and because I now live 2 hours away most of the time. After that I have met people and gone out with them casually (no sex, coffe and things like that and i have only kissed 1 person after the horrible experience from last summer) but have not opened up to anyone and the only person who showed real interest anyway i let them know I was not ready for a serious relationship. The guy from last summer was a classmate. The person who was involved in the demise of my past relationship was a classmate I feel like I have so much baggage that I only push myself and dream of moving to do my residency somewhere else where i can start again and no one will know anything about me. YET... the people who I find attractive are people from school???!?!? why?? is it because i am used to being with people who are alike me? The point is, I can never ever date someone from school again. Too much drama. yet the last two people who i have developed crushes on are from school! I never feel chemistry with anyone who is not a med student. I do not know how to fix myself anymore
dasein Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 There's a kind of "Stockholm Syndrome" variant (am sure there is a more precise term) with people sharing stressful similar experience, why so many hookups during the early months of professional schools, probably explains your attraction to classmates. Solution? Don't socialize with classmates. Get out into the broader community and join a club with your interests, forget about relationships until you are out of school and situated, and if you have to date or have sex, do it casually if possible. Challenge yourself to relate to people out and about on different levels than concerning med school.
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 There's a kind of "Stockholm Syndrome" variant (am sure there is a more precise term) with people sharing stressful similar experience, why so many hookups during the early months of professional schools, probably explains your attraction to classmates. Solution? Don't socialize with classmates. Get out into the broader community and join a club with your interests, forget about relationships until you are out of school and situated, and if you have to date or have sex, do it casually if possible. Challenge yourself to relate to people out and about on different levels than concerning med school. I have expanded my social circle. Which is why I don't understand why I keep coming back to the pool of people who I can't see. And I might date casually (and to me casually is very casual. No make-out sessions) but I do not believe in casual sex.
Imajerk17 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Wait, you guys are future doctors right? As in, the people whose hands I'll be putting my health into... If medical students (the guys you've dated) really are trainwrecks emotionally underneath it all, then I am concerned.
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 What's wrong with dating classmates? The drama that comes along with it. I mean I guess for me since I already dipped my foot in the classmate pool. I guess for someone else it would be ideal. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend in your med school class can be great if the relationship is functional.
somedude81 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Hmm, so I'm guessing you would keep seeing that person over an over and you would have to keep interacting with them?
dasein Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 You are wise to stop it with the classmates, will make future reunions much more palatable. You are young and on the verge of working very long, demanding hours. Have said it before, but do yourself a favor and keep your social life less complicated during this time. You aren't going to miss out on anything or dry up and shrivel away.
Imajerk17 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Wait, you guys are future doctors right? As in, the people whose hands I'll be putting my health into... If medical students (the guys you've dated) really are trainwrecks emotionally underneath it all, then I am concerned. I'm not trying to just be a smartazz here. My point is that your demographic: medical students/residents/interns seems to me to be a perfectly fine demographic. Besides being smart and driven, these guys probably share something fundamental with you--they "get" why you work so hard in your studies/training for one thing.
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 Hmm, so I'm guessing you would keep seeing that person over an over and you would have to keep interacting with them? exactly. In my class of 100 people I kissed 1 person (my friend with the problem with my boyfriend which i really don't want to mention) and slept with another (the person from last summer unfortunately). My friend who I kissed had also kissed another girl from my class. And he had this huge problem with another girl he liked from our class who had a boyfriend. He became obsessed with her and it was a mess. And then that girl who had a boyfriend eventually broke up with him and hooked up with a classmate and they are still together. The guy who I dated last summer has been in love with this girl from my class for like 2 years and at one point they dated. And this is only like 4 people. Do you get my point? It is getting to be gross because it is like everyone has been with everyone and uncomfortable.
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 I'm not trying to just be a smartazz here. My point is that your demographic: medical students/residents/interns seems to me to be a perfectly fine demographic. Besides being smart and driven, these guys probably share something fundamental with you--they "get" why you work so hard in your studies/training for one thing. I do think medical students are immature (myself included) and if you have not noticed it is like being in high school all over again. my therapist and I talked about it and I am trying to rise above it by making choices for ME, not based on peer pressure. examples: I have cut back on drinking (binge drinking is big among the medical class and I fell into this at the beginning) I have started to give my friends from outside of school priority I have eliminated toxic people and gossips from my life I do not really go to events that are school related anymore I also got off facebook for the zillionth time My actual friends at school are saying i'm becoming a hater the rest of the sillies... who knows. who cares. It is funny because tuesday night i went for a beer with a guy from my class who is somewhat of a loner and he is very cynical about... everything. Mostly the ridiculous people we go to school with and their constant banter. We have become friends over these past few months because we both have a similar sense of humor and we would make fun of the retarded drama that goes on around us. For some reason Tuesday I started feeling attracted to him, something i had not felt before. He is good looking and we obviously get along. And then he ruined it even more by telling me how pretty he thinks I am and that he thinks I am very funny And once again, I felt attracted to someone who I was not supposed to be attracted to. See my point?
somedude81 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I got it. The reason I didn't understand at first is because I'm in my undergrad at a school of 30,000 students. It's a rare occurrence that I'll see somebody that I know again later on. The only exception are those in my specific major concentration and that's just a small group of geeks.
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) I got it. The reason I didn't understand at first is because I'm in my undergrad at a school of 30,000 students. It's a rare occurrence that I'll see somebody that I know again later on. The only exception are those in my specific major concentration and that's just a small group of geeks. I went to undergrad with about half the people I go to med school with. I'm so over it and ready to move. I actually live now 2 hours away from school because I am doing my 3rd year clerkships at a smaller town. I actually chose to do this because I was sooo tired of being with the same people over and over again! P.s. I love geeks! Edited March 9, 2012 by eleanorhurting adding something
SmileFace Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) Moral of the story. Don't **** where you eat. I try to abide by this at all times(keyword try). I think dating someone I generally don't have a mutual connection with allows me to move on and learn from the mistakes I may have made but also allows me to put them behind me. I think seeing or interacting with an ex constantly will only hinder my ability to move on. However your people picker may be off but has nothing to do with where you are meeting these guys. You are only think that there is a connection since schOol is the only place you have met guys. I wish I can advise you on your people picker but I am still work on my own. All the best! Edited March 9, 2012 by SmileFace
Imajerk17 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) It is funny because tuesday night i went for a beer with a guy from my class who is somewhat of a loner and he is very cynical about... everything. Mostly the ridiculous people we go to school with and their constant banter. We have become friends over these past few months because we both have a similar sense of humor and we would make fun of the retarded drama that goes on around us. For some reason Tuesday I started feeling attracted to him, something i had not felt before. He is good looking and we obviously get along. And then he ruined it even more by telling me how pretty he thinks I am and that he thinks I am very funny And once again, I felt attracted to someone who I was not supposed to be attracted to. See my point? Well why not? I mean, if the two of you happen to look at the world the same then it seems perfectly natural to feel attraction. Is he a good guy underneath it all? I was in graduate school for the sciences. I tended to stay away from dating women who were also in the sciences. Many of them didn't shave their legs and that's not for me. Also, if a woman is more rational or logical than I am, then it's just not going to work. BUT, if I met a girl and I feel attraction for her and THEN I find out she is in the sciences too, my attraction rachets up. Why? Because we happen to have a lot in common, besides the physical attraction. We share similar values in at least one key area--wanting careers where we can pursue our quest for knowledge instead of kissing up to a boss for promotions, and so on.... Edited March 9, 2012 by Imajerk17
TheFinalWord Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Because it's convenient, they understand your world, and are readily available. As far as an extended social life, I don't know how you have time for one haha My doc program delivers a crushing amount of work. Which just makes people in the program that much more appealing. You have made many positive changes in your life. If you are immature (kudos for recognizing that about yourself!), then I think you are best to not be seeking a relationship. Most people in grad school are immature, b/c they are children by and large (early 20s). I think I have advised this before, but you should just focus on school. Regarding this other guy, if you hang out with an attractive person long enough you are going to like them. It's biology Go out only in groups. I also don't think it's good to sit around and mock the people in your program with that guy. That is gossip, which is what you stated you wanted to eliminate from your life. You are attracted to him b/c he is comforting you b/c you both dislike the same people. That is the primary attraction. I don't think it's healthy to start any type of relationship where negatively is the basis for mutual attraction.
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 Because it's convenient, they understand your world, and are readily available. As far as an extended social life, I don't know how you have time for one haha My doc program delivers a crushing amount of work. Which just makes people in the program that much more appealing. You have made many positive changes in your life. If you are immature (kudos for recognizing that about yourself!), then I think you are best to not be seeking a relationship. Most people in grad school are immature, b/c they are children by and large (early 20s). I think I have advised this before, but you should just focus on school. Regarding this other guy, if you hang out with an attractive person long enough you are going to like them. It's biology Go out only in groups. I also don't think it's good to sit around and mock the people in your program with that guy. That is gossip, which is what you stated you wanted to eliminate from your life. You are attracted to him b/c he is comforting you b/c you both dislike the same people. That is the primary attraction. I don't think it's healthy to start any type of relationship where negatively is the basis for mutual attraction. I'm 25. Does that still count as early 20s? After med school im doing my residency which is going to be super hectic as well. Is there really a good moment to start a relationship? I am not saying im rushing for one but I really do not think there will be a moment in my life where I will say "hey, everything is here its supposed to be academic and job-wise, let me seek a relationship now". We actually were hanging out in a group! I dont know how we ended up talking by ourselves for so long. You are right it is wrong to complain about certainn situations and we do dislike the same behavior that some people seem to get by with. But you are right thank you for calling me out on it. OH and 1st and 2nd year were horrible. I would never see my friends. Now that I am in my 3rd year I have time to go out and have dinner or coffee with them more often.
TheFinalWord Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 (edited) I'm 25. Does that still count as early 20s? After med school im doing my residency which is going to be super hectic as well. Is there really a good moment to start a relationship? I am not saying im rushing for one but I really do not think there will be a moment in my life where I will say "hey, everything is here its supposed to be academic and job-wise, let me seek a relationship now". We actually were hanging out in a group! I dont know how we ended up talking by ourselves for so long. You are right it is wrong to complain about certainn situations and we do dislike the same behavior that some people seem to get by with. But you are right thank you for calling me out on it. OH and 1st and 2nd year were horrible. I would never see my friends. Now that I am in my 3rd year I have time to go out and have dinner or coffee with them more often. Well, 25 is still very young, but not early 20s technically But I do think 27 or 28 is better. I've noticed a difference in women at those ages compared to 24 and 25. Just a personal observation. Something seems to change in those couple of years in women. BTW not bashing women, it's much later usually in men haha and some of them never mature so yeah... You stated you feel you are immature. I'm assuming there is some reason you believe that. Whenever you feel that you have gotten past that phase of your life is when I would recommend dating for a LT relationship. You wil be more set up to have a healthy relationship. It's better to wait for that than to get in a relationship and it turn sour and cause you stress and pain. For the group stuff, maybe if you notice yourself off talking with a guy mingle back into the group somehow. Or just hang around the women. You're welcome. You are open to advice so I do think you are mature in many ways. But maybe just emotional strength needs to be built a little. With the drama, that happens in all professions. I have stopped hanging out with some people in my program b/c all they do is bash other people and certain professors. It's easy to get caught up in so don't feel bad. I do agree some people are bad apples but I have found most gossip is rooted in jealousy. I have been the source of gossip in the past even though I did absolutely nothing to the people. They were just jealous of some of my accomplishments; which were minor compared to things they had done haha So I just try to stay away from it and recognize it for what it is; a way to elevate ourselves above others. That's good you get some social life! You're doing good. It's good you moved away and can start fresh. Just keep focusing on school. You'll find someone Edited March 10, 2012 by TheFinalWord
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 You stated you feel you are immature. I'm assuming there is some reason you believe that. Whenever you feel that you have gotten past that phase of your life is when I would recommend dating for a LT relationship. You wil be more set up to have a healthy relationship. It's better to wait for that than to get in a relationship and it turn sour and cause you stress and pain. F I know I am immature because I am very passive aggresive. I avoid confrontation and then make a huge mess where I come off as a big baby. I have tried to work on this and have been getting better at it I think. My therapist and I talked about assertiveness and I try to exercise it now that I know what it is. I harbor a lot of anger and take things very personally. example: I am still so mad at the guy from last summer. Knowing he has a girlfriend that he was wooing while he was sleeping with me and then seeing him hit on this other girl all the time... It eats me up. I just can't deal. I avoid him at all costs. We have mutual friends and they know that they cannot even bring it up because I am still hurt and angry about it. Of course they all think I I am overreacting and I should be over it by now. So I guess I am immature in this aspect. I hold on to anger it is VERY hard for me to forgive and forget, specially when they strut their ass-ness i my face. I also am not the most responsible person out there financially. I have no money I live off my loans and I'm sure I do not administer the money I am borrowing from the future me responsibly. I am trying to say no to living beyond my means.
TheFinalWord Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 I know I am immature because I am very passive aggresive. I avoid confrontation and then make a huge mess where I come off as a big baby. I have tried to work on this and have been getting better at it I think. My therapist and I talked about assertiveness and I try to exercise it now that I know what it is. I harbor a lot of anger and take things very personally. example: I am still so mad at the guy from last summer. Knowing he has a girlfriend that he was wooing while he was sleeping with me and then seeing him hit on this other girl all the time... It eats me up. I just can't deal. I avoid him at all costs. We have mutual friends and they know that they cannot even bring it up because I am still hurt and angry about it. Of course they all think I I am overreacting and I should be over it by now. So I guess I am immature in this aspect. I hold on to anger it is VERY hard for me to forgive and forget, specially when they strut their ass-ness i my face. I also am not the most responsible person out there financially. I have no money I live off my loans and I'm sure I do not administer the money I am borrowing from the future me responsibly. I am trying to say no to living beyond my means. 1) Assertiveness is very critical in a relationship. You cannot afford to be walked on because it will haunt you as the relationship matures. Basically when you are passive in communication your opinions don't go away; they just build up and eventually explode. So your reaction of anger is natural. The point of intervention is in building your ability to be assertive. Passive: Your rights are trampled and you are disrespected Aggressive: The other person's rights are trampled and they are disrespected Assertive: You can share your opinion in a respectful way and your rights are not trampled upon Just do what you are doing with me right now! You are being assertive with me and the whole forum. Saying exactly what is on your mind and how you want to be treated. The difference is we are anonymous people and if you don't like us or we don't like you it doesn't alter your real life in any way. That's how you have to see all of your relationships. If someone does not like your opinion, then they are not worthy of you...especially a man. If they do not respect your opinion and it does not even factor into their decision making then you know early on to move on. By the way, your assertive communication with us also causes us to respect you That will happen in real life too! Here's a good video for you: 2) You are angry and rightfully so. You were mistreated in the worst possible way. Unfortunately, there are people like that in this world. They only think about themselves. It is just the consumerism society we have created. Let that girl have him. If he can treat you like that he is treating her that way too at some level. Abusive people does not change based on the person they are in a relationship with. It is a character trait; and a flawed one at that. I always say you can tell a lot about a man by: 1) how he treats others when he has a bit of power 2) how he treats those that can do nothing for him. But now, harboring that anger is not affecting him; only you. I have been hurt like that many times. What worked for me was to forgive them. I know that sounds impossible: how can you forgive someone who betrayed you so much? Well, that act is eating his soul. Pity him b/c he is a fool and doesn't have any love in his heart to act like that. I asked God to help me. If you haven't tried that, why not? You've tried everything else Nothing to lose. 3) For your finances you will have to develop a budget and stick to it. A lot of people struggle with that. Maybe you can traverse the business school and see if one of the good looking MBA guys can help you Some tips: Only use cash for your personal spending money. Psychologically, it is much easier to swipe a card than to give cash away. It will make the money more tangible. Check your account online everyday. People who do that spend less. Write our your grocery list and don't go to the store hungry. Pack your meals instead of always buying out. Shop at thrift store.
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 well I just proved whoever said its not the location its my people picker right. My friend and I were talking about random things and he mentioned how he is not looking for anything serious, just casual. So there is something wrong with me for sure if the people who I attract are people who are always looking for something casual.
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