mermaid1984 Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Hi Everybody, When my boyfriend and I go to eat in a restaurant, if there is a girl within his eyeline behind me, he will glance at her many times while talking with me. It seems as though he's multi-tasking to talk to me and also look at the girl many times. I get so distracted by his glancing that I can't concentrate on what he's saying and then I start to feel hurt that he can't just look at me while he's talking. Am I overreacting? The first time it happened, I got really upset. The second time it happened, I made him switch tables. After that, I've been trying to seat him in the chair that would have the least amount of women in his eyeline. This doesn't always work though, due to mirrors and crowded restaurants. What should I do...if anything?
ditzchic Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Is he just glancing? Or is he eye f*cking her? I glance at people all the time cuz I'm a people watcher. 99% of the time I don't have any kind of attraction at all to the person. If he's eye f*cking her or leering at her, I could see how that would upset you. But, no offense, you're acting like a crazy person by making him move and trying to make him avoid laying eyes on any other woman. 50% of the population is female. He will see them. It's unavoidable. If it really bothers you that much you should just dump him instead. It's not worth the anxiety.
KathyM Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 That can be pretty annoying when a guy shows interest in women while he's there with you. I think you're going to an extreme though by trying to change seating or change tables. You can't control what your guy sees when he is out in public, and you'll make both of you crazy if you try, but you can tell him nicely, and without overreacting, how you would appreciate it if he would give you his undivided attention when you are with him, and how it is distracting and makes you feel bad when he's continually checking out other women. I'd say if you have this talk with him, and he still has a continually wandering eye, it may be time to let this guy go. If his interest in other women is stronger than his respect for you, then it doesn't seem like he would be relationship material, IMO.
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Is he just glancing? Or is he eye f*cking her? I glance at people all the time cuz I'm a people watcher. 99% of the time I don't have any kind of attraction at all to the person. If he's eye f*cking her or leering at her, I could see how that would upset you. But, no offense, you're acting like a crazy person by making him move and trying to make him avoid laying eyes on any other woman. 50% of the population is female. He will see them. It's unavoidable. If it really bothers you that much you should just dump him instead. It's not worth the anxiety. THIS. I can't tell whether your BF is leering at people all the time and acting like a jerk or whether you're just really, really jealous and odd, OP, but one of you must have some major issues for this dynamic to exist. Changing tables to avoid eyelines? That's like sitcom stuff.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 You are insecure. Just because he is looking behind you, and there HAPPEN to be women there (just like everywhere else in the world) it doesn't mean he is looking at her let alone attracted. When I speak with people, I don't stare at them dead on. I also look around and behind them, it comes naturally. And even if he did check a girl or two out, it's not like you are the only attractive woman in the world. Let the poor guy look. If a hot model walked within your line of vision you would look too. My motto is "Look but don't touch". I'm betting you're one of those girls who doesn't let the poor guy watch porn either. You really shouldn't worry. Men are horndogs. You and I both know it. And even we aren't exempt. Just relax You have nothing to worry about.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Hi and welcome to LS. Assuming you've dated other men or had at least one relationship before where this wasn't an issue then, you might have to make this a deal-breaker with this guy. He can't seem to be courteous enough to stay focused on you or at least make you feel like you're the most important person in the room to him. I did have one relationship in which my partner indeed was off her rocker and accused me of this so I'm a bit wary of taking any one's word verbatim. But no other women I've been with ever had reason to think much less say that about me. (TBH, this chick was racist and she knew my ex was black and concocted this belief that I had uncontrollable jungle fever. She never confronted me at one particular time but just accused me of it cumulatively in one of her sick bouts of insecurity.) Just let me assure you that it's very impolite to gawk or even act distracted by passersby when dating someone. To me it's all about "connection" and being distracted like that shows a shallowness and lack of connection.
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Who is paying more attention to the other women--him, or you? The answer to that question, however difficult it may be to determine accurately, is also the answer to your question about whether you're making a big deal out of nothing.
Author mermaid1984 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 He isn't eye-f***ing, but glancing 8 or 9 or 10 times. I suppose I'm extra-sensitive because he used to be a manwhore and I'm worried he's still shopping.
setsenia Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Well, let me say there is a difference between an occasional glance and blatant staring. My brother does this blatant staring at other women when he is with us AND when he is with his gf. He doesn't deny it and she gets upset. She tells him she's going to stare at other men and he tells her to go for it. My brother seems dedicated to her, but he's always looking at other women and flirting. Sometimes I'll see my husband make an occasional glance, which is fine. I've glanced at guys too. But if their mouth drops to the floor as a hot chick walks by and they are staring forever, that's something entirely. But it sounds to me that you might just be a little insecure.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 He isn't eye-f***ing, but glancing 8 or 9 or 10 times. I suppose I'm extra-sensitive because he used to be a manwhore and I'm worried he's still shopping. I think some posters have been a tad rough on you. There's no reason from what you said to conclude you're insecure or overly sensitive. It is plain discourteous to do that with a date or a partner in a relationship to start with and it seems you've already tried to address it with him and he's still elsewhere. I mentioned one of my situations in my previous post but come to think of it I have been out with someone who acted similarly and it was a drag. She seemed to be interested in being seen with me but not interested at all in connecting with me. I considered that dinner a hundred dollar waste.
make me believe Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I agree with Frisky, you do not seem overly sensitive about this issue. Glancing ONCE at an attractive person is one thing, continuously checking them out over the course of the evening is totally disrespectful. Honestly if you've gotten to the point of scoping out the place & picking out a seat for him based on how many women are in his line of sight, why even bother with him anymore? Is that really how you think a healthy relationship should be? Your bf obviously isn't going to stop even though he knows it's upsetting you. So your only choice is to accept it (I wouldn't) or dump him and find somebody who respects you enough to refrain from blatantly check out other women when you're sitting right in front of him.
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 He isn't eye-f***ing, but glancing 8 or 9 or 10 times. I suppose I'm extra-sensitive because he used to be a manwhore and I'm worried he's still shopping. Okay, then you have to ask yourself: Is it your insecurity over his past that's making you interpret these glances differently than you would with other men, or is his behavior truly bothering you/would it even if you didn't know his past?
FrustratedStandards Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Okay, then you have to ask yourself: Is it your insecurity over his past that's making you interpret these glances differently than you would with other men, or is his behavior truly bothering you/would it even if you didn't know his past? Regardless which it is, it all comes down to the fact that she is insecure. Whether she knows his past or not, this behavior does bother her. As outsiders we can't tell if it's really the way he is doing it, or if it is herself. But my gut tells me she is being insecure about it. Men are allowed to check out other girls. There is a limit of course, he can't be disrespectful and turn his head till his neck snaps. But looking behind her every now and then doesn't constitute as "douchebaggery". So a woman caught his eye, so what? We can't expect to be a man's world 100% of the time.
dasein Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Although many women seem hypersensitive to this, your guy seems to be crossing a line. Adults are capable of engaging in attentive conversation without constantly checking out other people in the environment.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Although many women seem hypersensitive to this, your guy seems to be crossing a line. Adults are capable of engaging in attentive conversation without constantly checking out other people in the environment. But are you sure he is checking them out? It could simply be the way he talks. Whenever I have a conversation with a man, I give him my 100% attention but I don't look at him dead in the eye. Most of the time i'm looking elsewhere. Non-100% eye contact doesn't constitute as checking someone else out. And how would the OP know if there was an attractive woman behind her? This is all based on assumption.
Author mermaid1984 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 If he's glancing at one place in particular, I'll turn to see what he's looking at and usually it's a girl. I think I'll give him one more chance where I explain rationally why it upsets me though. I'd hate to just dump him when he's given up so many other player behaviors, like flirting with girls online.
veggirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 He isn't eye-f***ing, but glancing 8 or 9 or 10 times. I suppose I'm extra-sensitive because he used to be a manwhore and I'm worried he's still shopping. This sounds excessive to me. I would be upset. Sounds very disrespectful, esp given that you have obviously made it known that you are upset about it. Your bf sounds like a jerk, it's NOT hard to refrain from checking someone out 8, 9 or 10 times.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 If he's glancing at one place in particular, I'll turn to see what he's looking at and usually it's a girl. I think I'll give him one more chance where I explain rationally why it upsets me though. I'd hate to just dump him when he's given up so many other player behaviors, like flirting with girls online. Yeah. Just voice your concerns and see how things go. For all you know, he might not even notice he is doing it. If he cares enough, he'll make an effort to stop.
reallyhotguy Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Yeah. Just voice your concerns and see how things go. For all you know, he might not even notice he is doing it. If he cares enough, he'll make an effort to stop. I think this is a bad idea. It's going to make a mountain out of a mole hill. It also takes her issue and makes it his responsibility. And that is to some extent how you get things done in relationships, but it's also not something to be taken lightly. It's a negotiation and it has consequences, and it can really backfire. In my mind, this issue just isn't worth the risk. OP, you really can't just get over this? 1
dasein Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Here's how I respond to people who do this. I make a show, not too obvious, of turning my entire body and head around and look at what they are looking at. Usually does the trick and they get the message and stop. It's natural to check out the environment while talking to someone every now and then, also natural not to maintain 100% eye contact with someone who is talking. But some people will use their conversation partner as "half listened to" background noise while checking out everything and everyone in the area. That's rude. If I were a boring person, might work on holding people's attention, but am not so I don't.
serial muse Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Yeah. Just voice your concerns and see how things go. For all you know, he might not even notice he is doing it. If he cares enough, he'll make an effort to stop. I'm assuming the OP did voice her concerns, since she said she got really upset the first time and then actually made him switch seats after that. So I'm assuming that at this point the guy knows this bothers her. Maybe that's the wrong assumption, but he'd have to fairly dense not to figure out what the problem is after all that! So the next obvious question to the OP is, how did he react to your reaction? Did he also think he was looking excessively? Did he not know what you were talking about? Was he defensive or apologetic?
Author mermaid1984 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 Defensive. He said he was looking at nothing in particular and couldn't even remember what the girl looked like.
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Defensive. He said he was looking at nothing in particular and couldn't even remember what the girl looked like. And are you 100% certain he wasn't just staring off into space? I really, truly do that sometimes, though I didn't SEE him so I don't know what he was doing.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Defensive. He said he was looking at nothing in particular and couldn't even remember what the girl looked like. ADHD perhaps? Think about it. Could this guy have grown up with attention deficit issues? Just a thought. I still think it's discourteous to not pay attention to your date when out in public but I guess there is at least one viable excuse--not to imply that you should continue to put up with it.
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