Your Girl's Male "Friend"

[Els]

So, OP... if you love someone, you need them to get rid of all friends of a particular gender - half the population - to make you feel secure. No point 'communicating' or 'setting limits'. Just blanket refusal to 'allow' her any male friends.

 

Really, your username makes a whole lot more sense to me now.

[xxoo]

Heartofalion,

 

My cousin just went through a very nasty divorce, he is completely damaged by this. His wife got pregnant with another man's baby while she was married to him. This guy was labeled "just a friend" by his wife.

 

That's just it. You NEVER KNOW what's really going on with these male friends.

 

I've had married women give me their contact info right in front of their husbands. I've slept with women who were telling their husbands or boyfriends that I was just a "friend".

 

These women I've dumped, they've heard me say repeatedly that I don't trust Facebook, etc. They know the mindset they're dealing with.

 

The bolded explains a lot about your mindset. You've been down in the gutter with the worst, and think everyone is like that.

 

And it may be that the women you pick ARE like that. You may have a "type".

 

But neither men nor women are all like you describe. Yes, of course men will have thoughts of sleeping with an attractive woman, but that doesn't mean he will dive in the gutter with her.

[NXS]

I have a very simple rule when it comes to female friends: I treat them exactly the same as I would my male friends.

 

That means -

 

I am not an emotional punchbag or captain-free-therapist.

 

I am not an attention backup when she is feeling rejected.

 

I demand the same standard as I would from male friends if I'm in a time of need.

 

I talk to them in the same manner as I would male friends.

 

This usually sorts out the real friends from the bloodsuckers.

[BeyondtheClouds]

Interesting thread but it didn’t look at these types of relationships from a different direction.

 

When I met my guy I didn’t know that he some unfinished business. She dissed him for a few months and then he went out and met me. Since she didn’t like losing his attention she started texting him….and then he started texting her back. Two months into out dating, he asked me if I minded that he goes out with other women but just as friends. WTF?

 

Now that he has opened his FB to me, his e-mail account and text messages (and also the receipts that float around his apartment), I would say he was dating her as much as he was dating me. Well, actually as I pointed out how he was treating her much better (more expensive dates and all).

 

 

He told me that he decided to drop her. He admitted that he knew she was dating someone else. I also saw in his text messages that she was telling him to drop me so that they could date again.

 

So guess what happens? All of the sudden, she’s a good friend of his. But wait, no effort to introduce me to her. But I do see from the credit card statements that he closes the bar tabs. So one time when he changed his mind about weekend plans with her to see me, omg, what an abusive message from her that he changed his mind about watching the game at the pub with her. A friend of mine and I agreed, she was pissed because she needed a “friend” to close the bar tab.

 

I also saw an e-mail exchange in which they talked about going to some heavy metal festivals. Even though she has a boyfriend, she asked my guy outright to go with her (no mention of the boyfriend). My guy gave all the details she needed to know to “just happen” to meet her at the festival he was going to with a male friend. I guess if she had just showed up, he would have had nothing to do with it. When I pointed it out to him, he certainly tried to frame it that way

 

After a couple of months, I decided to put my foot down. If you want her to be your “friend,” then I can be your “friend” as well (and go out and find a real boyfriend). There is nothing insecure about stating what you want and what the consequences will be.

 

I should also add that after we had that discussion, he boyfriend sent my guy a PM through FB the day of her 30th birthday party inviting him to come. (No mention of me). My bf and I were at the beach that day and didn’t get home until late. My bf's “friend” texted him at 11pm –the hour that pubs close in London—asking (verbatim) “Why didn’t you come?” Oh dear, I said, she needs someone to close that bar tab.

 

This is something that you men need to be cognizant of. Yes, we women can and do invite guys on the basis of their ability to be generous. Do some of you men feel as if you have been treated like that wallet at a group activity?

 

My same (female) friend agreed with me and said that yes, she has been guilty of that as well. But also felt that that would emasculate the boyfriend who can’t pay. IS that true?

 

But I don’t plan to be second fiddle in a relationship in which I am already giving up the opportunity to date other men and am expected to negotiate my free time with him. So yes, as a woman, I don’t like this friendship thing either and guys who try to pull that one on me will be told to look elsewhere.

 

IMO, any woman who is insistent upon having male friends –whether they actually have them or are still trying to develop their harem – is doing it simply because they are attention whores and like using people.

Edited March 11, 2012 by BeyondtheClouds

[piggyoink]

Lots of insecure people here.

[RedRobin]

Interesting thread but it didn’t look at these types of relationships from a different direction.

 

When I met my guy I didn’t know that he some unfinished business. She dissed him for a few months and then he went out and met me. Since she didn’t like losing his attention she started texting him….and then he started texting her back. Two months into out dating, he asked me if I minded that he goes out with other women but just as friends. WTF?

 

Now that he has opened his FB to me, his e-mail account and text messages (and also the receipts that float around his apartment), I would say he was dating her as much as he was dating me. Well, actually as I pointed out how he was treating her much better (more expensive dates and all).

 

 

He told me that he decided to drop her. He admitted that he knew she was dating someone else. I also saw in his text messages that she was telling him to drop me so that they could date again.

 

So guess what happens? All of the sudden, she’s a good friend of his. But wait, no effort to introduce me to her. But I do see from the credit card statements that he closes the bar tabs. So one time when he changed his mind about weekend plans with her to see me, omg, what an abusive message from her that he changed his mind about watching the game at the pub with her. A friend of mine and I agreed, she was pissed because she needed a “friend” to close the bar tab.

 

I also saw an e-mail exchange in which they talked about going to some heavy metal festivals. Even though she has a boyfriend, she asked my guy outright to go with her (no mention of the boyfriend). My guy gave all the details she needed to know to “just happen” to meet her at the festival he was going to with a male friend. I guess if she had just showed up, he would have had nothing to do with it. When I pointed it out to him, he certainly tried to frame it that way

 

After a couple of months, I decided to put my foot down. If you want her to be your “friend,” then I can be your “friend” as well (and go out and find a real boyfriend). There is nothing insecure about stating what you want and what the consequences will be.

 

I should also add that after we had that discussion, he boyfriend sent my guy a PM through FB the day of her 30th birthday party inviting him to come. (No mention of me). My bf and I were at the beach that day and didn’t get home until late. My bf's “friend” texted him at 11pm –the hour that pubs close in London—asking (verbatim) “Why didn’t you come?” Oh dear, I said, she needs someone to close that bar tab.

 

This is something that you men need to be cognizant of. Yes, we women can and do invite guys on the basis of their ability to be generous. Do some of you men feel as if you have been treated like that wallet at a group activity?

 

My same (female) friend agreed with me and said that yes, she has been guilty of that as well. But also felt that that would emasculate the boyfriend who can’t pay. IS that true?

 

But I don’t plan to be second fiddle in a relationship in which I am already giving up the opportunity to date other men and am expected to negotiate my free time with him. So yes, as a woman, I don’t like this friendship thing either and guys who try to pull that one on me will be told to look elsewhere.

 

IMO, any woman who is insistent upon having male friends –whether they actually have them or are still trying to develop their harem – is doing it simply because they are attention whores and like using people.

 

I'm sorry you've been hurt. I've been lied to and cheated on as well.

 

Whenever there is deception (whether it results from opposite or same sex friendships), it will cause problems.

[piggyoink]

So, OP... if you love someone, you need them to get rid of all friends of a particular gender - half the population - to make you feel secure. No point 'communicating' or 'setting limits'. Just blanket refusal to 'allow' her any male friends.

 

Really, your username makes a whole lot more sense to me now.

 

I seriously, formally, and hereby declare with a touch of formality, +1

[Els]

Interesting thread but it didn’t look at these types of relationships from a different direction.

 

When I met my guy I didn’t know that he some unfinished business. She dissed him for a few months and then he went out and met me. Since she didn’t like losing his attention she started texting him….and then he started texting her back. Two months into out dating, he asked me if I minded that he goes out with other women but just as friends. WTF?

 

Now that he has opened his FB to me, his e-mail account and text messages (and also the receipts that float around his apartment), I would say he was dating her as much as he was dating me. Well, actually as I pointed out how he was treating her much better (more expensive dates and all).

 

 

He told me that he decided to drop her. He admitted that he knew she was dating someone else. I also saw in his text messages that she was telling him to drop me so that they could date again.

 

So guess what happens? All of the sudden, she’s a good friend of his. But wait, no effort to introduce me to her. But I do see from the credit card statements that he closes the bar tabs. So one time when he changed his mind about weekend plans with her to see me, omg, what an abusive message from her that he changed his mind about watching the game at the pub with her. A friend of mine and I agreed, she was pissed because she needed a “friend” to close the bar tab.

 

I also saw an e-mail exchange in which they talked about going to some heavy metal festivals. Even though she has a boyfriend, she asked my guy outright to go with her (no mention of the boyfriend). My guy gave all the details she needed to know to “just happen” to meet her at the festival he was going to with a male friend. I guess if she had just showed up, he would have had nothing to do with it. When I pointed it out to him, he certainly tried to frame it that way

 

After a couple of months, I decided to put my foot down. If you want her to be your “friend,” then I can be your “friend” as well (and go out and find a real boyfriend). There is nothing insecure about stating what you want and what the consequences will be.

 

I should also add that after we had that discussion, he boyfriend sent my guy a PM through FB the day of her 30th birthday party inviting him to come. (No mention of me). My bf and I were at the beach that day and didn’t get home until late. My bf's “friend” texted him at 11pm –the hour that pubs close in London—asking (verbatim) “Why didn’t you come?” Oh dear, I said, she needs someone to close that bar tab.

 

This is something that you men need to be cognizant of. Yes, we women can and do invite guys on the basis of their ability to be generous. Do some of you men feel as if you have been treated like that wallet at a group activity?

 

My same (female) friend agreed with me and said that yes, she has been guilty of that as well. But also felt that that would emasculate the boyfriend who can’t pay. IS that true?

 

But I don’t plan to be second fiddle in a relationship in which I am already giving up the opportunity to date other men and am expected to negotiate my free time with him. So yes, as a woman, I don’t like this friendship thing either and guys who try to pull that one on me will be told to look elsewhere.

 

IMO, any woman who is insistent upon having male friends –whether they actually have them or are still trying to develop their harem – is doing it simply because they are attention whores and like using people.

 

Your account was an excellent reason to have clear boundaries - no dinners alone with friends of the opposite sex, etc, whatever works for the couple. Yes, some people cheat. But that's a horrible reason to not have friends of the gender you are attracted to at all. Riddle me this: What's a guy or girl who's bisexual going to have to do, then, to prevent their partner from worrying about the possibility of cheating? No friends at all? She could probably stick to only having pets, but then she just miiiight be into bestiality.

 

Methinks you'd be better off honing your people-picker, because chances are it's the guy you're dating that's at fault, not the entire female gender.

[BeyondtheClouds]

Your account was an excellent reason to have clear boundaries - no dinners alone with friends of the opposite sex, etc, whatever works for the couple. Yes, some people cheat. But that's a horrible reason to not have friends of the gender you are attracted to at all. Riddle me this: What's a guy or girl who's bisexual going to have to do, then, to prevent their partner from worrying about the possibility of cheating? No friends at all? She could probably stick to only having pets, but then she just miiiight be into bestiality.

 

Methinks you'd be better off honing your people-picker, because chances are it's the guy you're dating that's at fault, not the entire female gender.

 

I would never knowingly date a bisexual. We would have to ask the LBGT community how they manage relationships.

 

I also don't believe that having a good "people picker" alone will always save you from problems in a relationship. If you are in the camp of "if someone wants to cheat, they will no matter what", then that applies to the people picker principle as well. That is, if someone wants to scam you, they will show you their best face in the beginning until you're hooked anyway.

 

What is smart is to know what you will and will not put up with and stick by it. Regarding this issue of "friends", most people just try it on anyway. It seems these days that the "cool" thing to do is to hang on to your FWB (that's about all she was to him) to give the appearance of being a good guy. and the gf is supposed to put up with it because she's "cool" too. Not everybody is cowed into accpeting that. Especially when you have options elsewhere.

 

It only took him a few seconds to decide that having me as a gf and no female friend was better than having two "friends" on his hands.

 

Additionally, people here talk about "boundaries" but no one talks specifically about what those boundaries are. so many people don't even know where to start in their expectations.And then, bam, their boyfriend / girlfriend is spending the night at their (opposite sex) friend's house - you shouldn't have a prpblem with that.

 

Perhaps you women who are so determined to keep your harem of men going can let us know the differences in how YOU treat a male friend and how you treat your boyfriend / partner / husband. that is, when you are not trying to pursue an open relationship.

Edited March 12, 2012 by BeyondtheClouds

[RedRobin]

Perhaps you women who are so determined to keep your harem of men going can let us know the differences in how YOU treat a male friend and how you treat your boyfriend / partner / husband. that is, when you are not trying to pursue an open relationship.

 

 

I have posted on how I distinguish between male friends and a SO when I'm in a relationship.

 

My male friends are not a harem and I'm not theirs. If I suspected for two seconds that I was being used as leverage against their wife/girlfriend at any time, they would cease to be friends of mine. Usually the wife/girlfriend is my friend as well or maybe even we were friends first before I became friends with their spouse/boyfriend. I manage this by understanding upfront that I am second to their wife/girlfriend. Even if that means calling her up and asking HER permission to borrow her boyfriend/spouse for help on something.

 

I never create a situation that could be construed as possible home-wrecking behavior because I have a reputation to manage as well.

 

for me, it starts by not 'multidating'. I only date one man at a time from day one. Period. No exceptions. No overlap. No FWB or flirty-sexy-times with other men.

 

I have dumped two male 'friends' who tried to engage me in an affair... after taking stock of whether I wanted to inform their wife, of course. I don't. I just cease all contact that doesn't involve his wife or is not strictly business related.

 

That is where the confusion starts, and probably why so many people have problems with friends of the opposite sex.

 

I understand your position though, I really do. Just know that people do manage it....especially those who are older and maybe have more self-awareness and practice setting boundaries???

[Els]

I'm really not interested in taking the time to share my experiences or knowledge with someone who insults me unprovoked, not once, but twice. All I can say is, if you genuinely cannot seem to comprehend a midpoint between 'having no friends of one particular gender' and 'spending the night at a male/female friend's house', I don't think it will be of much use to you anyway.

[SadGrl]

I am "seeing" this woman who is single "as far as i know" and we do have sex on occasions...but every time she gets a call and I am sitting next to her at a bar or a movie theater, she always tells who ever calls..." I'm with a friend".....so there...

[RedRobin]

Here's an example...

 

I have a married male friend of mine from my former employer. He and I would have coffee occasionally when I worked there and talk shop.

 

He has given me advice and encouragement in my dating attempts. I've gone to dinner at their house many times and they recently came to my house for dinner too. Their grown children have joined us as well. In other words, I act like a respectful adult that just happens to be female.

 

He recently emailed me to ask if I'd like to join him at a reception at my former employer for an award he is winning.

 

His wife is in France visiting her family and so can't attend.

 

What to do, you might ask? I volunteered to tie her in via cellphone so that she can participate in the award ceremony remotely. Could he find a guy to do that for him? Probably. I'm really glad to have both of their trust and would not abuse that.

 

That's what friends do.

[RedRobin]

I am "seeing" this woman who is single "as far as i know" and we do have sex on occasions...but every time she gets a call and I am sitting next to her at a bar or a movie theater, she always tells who ever calls..." I'm with a friend".....so there...

 

Well, it's on you to pick someone who only sleeps with people they are in a relationship with and get that clear up front. That's my advice to anyone.

 

If you are ok with casual dating/sex then it should be no surprise that she is too...

[SadGrl]

My point is that usually, when a person says "just a friend" they usually sleep with that person of opposite sex.

[BeyondtheClouds]

My point is that usually, when a person says "just a friend" they usually sleep with that person of opposite sex.

 

This is true. My boyfriend tried to frame his relationship his ex as "just a friend."

 

the word friend has become a grab bag of situations. Both platnoic and sexual. When it's important, I aks the other person to spell it out.

 

to show how loose the expression can be even in a platonic situation, I remember a conversation in which a person asked "who are you talking about?" My sister immediately answered "One of my girlfriends" (my sister is hetero and this is how she talks. I know the non relationship between my sister and this "friend." The girlfriend that my sister speaks of is the sister of a high school classmate of mine. Neither of these sisters have ever invited my sister to activities; my sister does not have the home phone number or even cell number of either of these women. Other then seeing them at group activities, my sister has absolutely no one to one action with them at all.

 

And yet, my sister felt it was ok to refer to this person as "my girlfriend."

[piggyoink]

I'm really not interested in taking the time to share my experiences or knowledge with someone who insults me unprovoked, not once, but twice. All I can say is, if you genuinely cannot seem to comprehend a midpoint between 'having no friends of one particular gender' and 'spending the night at a male/female friend's house', I don't think it will be of much use to you anyway.

 

I'm wondering if a male member of the "no friends of one gender" group would feel like working as cabin crew!

[Diamonds&Rust]

I know somebody who has a sexual partner that he/she calls a friend.

Therefore, most "friends" are sexual partners.

 

I sleep with somebody who describes me as a friend to others.

Therefore, "friend" means sexual partner for most people.

 

I can't think of a reason to be platonic friends with the other gender.

Therefore, you're man can't either.

 

[Emilia]

I know somebody who has a sexual partner that he/she calls a friend.

Therefore, most "friends" are sexual partners.

 

I sleep with somebody who describes me as a friend to others.

Therefore, "friend" means sexual partner for most people.

 

I can't think of a reason to be platonic friends with the other gender.

Therefore, you're man can't either.

 

 

It's so funny how you are trying to make sense of something so retarded

[SadGrl]

The only thing that is retarded here, are retards, who think that two attractive people of opposite sex, 9/10 times, can be just platonic friends for the rest of their lives....

[piggyoink]

The only thing that is retarded here, are retards, who think that two attractive people of opposite sex, 9/10 times, can be just platonic friends for the rest of their lives....

 

Firstly, I tend to think it takes one to know one, and

 

Secondly, I'm certainly not the only person around with platonic female friends.

[SadGrl]

They must be one ugly, FAT females....or some of them have BF's or you GF...or you are Gay emo kid

[RedRobin]

They must be one ugly, FAT females....or some of them have BF's or you GF...or you are Gay emo kid

 

I'd post proof that I'm not, but that wouldn't solve anything. We'd just be back to the original discussion about how I'm in denial that all my male friends want to sleep with me.

 

rinse, repeat...

[Emilia]

No point fighting a troll

[RedRobin]

Trolls are people too, but I see your point. Thanks!